I have an Engine to weigh my self when I sit down to write or think and when I unbend my self agen Prigg How do you unbend Yo. Mag. Why I unbend my imagination my intellect Prigg Your intellect pray Sir what 's that is 't a new word for a Cross-bow Y. Mag. How I scorn Fops Why I have been in love these two Months and I have wasted above fourteen pound Love is a great preserver of the shape a very great one You know my Mistress the Widows youngest Daughter Carl. This is a curious Coxcomb Prigg Love Ay if a man gets a Clap 't will take him down Yo. Mag. May it take down your Nose you unthinking Animal Prigg What a Devil does he mean Yo. Mag. Why I weigh'd my self when I writ my last Song and I wasted six ounces aver du pois weight in the writing And I was not above twelve hours about it Carl. I beseech you let 's hear it Sir Yo. Mag. Withal my heart Damon see how charming Chloris Who gives love to all that see her Burning us yet in coldness glories And is never never freer Though darts and flames from her eye fly Sr. And her Breast is warm and spicy Yet there is coldness in her eye Sr. And her heart 's all over Icy By coldness I am more inflamed As in Winter is Spring water My love by scorn can not be tamed But I the rather would be at her Prigg Did this make you waste six ounces I writ a Song t'other day and it did not make me waste at all Bell. Prithee Prigg let 's hear it ONE Night walking in a Wood I met one was a Maid as good Prigg sings As e're she coud But she â—…red my Blood And to her I stood With a hey Boys ding ding ding Boys hey â—…h a hey Boys ding ding ding Quoth I my pretty Buxom Lass From me this time thou shalt not pass In any Case For the sake of thy Face I 'l lay thee on the Grass With a hey Boys ding c. Yo. Mag. Oh what violence does he to my Ears Prigg What he does not like it Pox these Wits like nothing but what they do themselves I love a Tavern Song that will Roar and make one Merry a Pox of his Strephons and Phillises Bell. What will become of you Young Maggot your Uncle Maggot that common Foe to Wit is coming up Yo. Mag. Hide me Gentlemen hide me I am undone if he finds me in your Company Bell. Step in there Yo. Mag. retires Enter Maggot Magg Gentlemen I come to look out an ungracious Nephew of mine who I hear by virtue of your Company sets up for a Wit Will any of you keep him him when you have made him good for nothing Bell. Good for nothing why he is the darling of the Ladies they dote on him for his Songs and fear him for his Lampoons and the men think no Debauch perfect without him Magg Yes I hear hâ—… writ a Libel I shall have him scrible away his ears or write himself so far into the Ladies favours to lose his Nose or be knock'd o' th head these are the fruits of Wit Carl. The disasters rather Magg The World will bear with you that have Estates tho you have a little but 't is enough to undo a man that is to make his Fortune My roguy Nephhew must leave Cook upon Littleton for Beaumont and Fletcher Stan. Poetry is an ornament to a man of any profession Magg 'T is a damn'd Weed and will let nothing good or profitable grow by it 't is the Language of the Devil and begun with Oracles Where did you know a Wit thrive or indeed keep his own Carl. They part with their Money for Pleasure and Fools part with their Pleasure for Money the one will make a better Last Will and Testament but the other lead a happier Life Y. Mag. Profit begone what art thou but a breath I 'l live proud of my Infamy and shame Grac'd with the Triumphs of a Poets name Men can but say Wit did my Reason blind And Wit 's the noblest srailty of the Mind Methinks it runs well thus Mag. What noise is that ha My ungracious Nephew repeating Verses Come out you Rascal dost thou not tremble at my anger Thou that mightest have been a Judge in time to make a Wit of thy self thus Bell. Good Sir be patient Did not the great Pleader Cicero make Verses Mag. And you see what came on 't he died a Beggar and of a violent death Y. Mag. Sir The Verses were not my own Mag. Sir Be gone to the Temple and let me once more find you at Wit and I 'll dis-inherit you Y. Mag. Good Sir hear me Mag. Be gone I say Carl. This is ridiculous enough and odd Bell. There is a powerful faction against Wit Stan. Come let 's take the Air. Ex. omnes Enter Lady Cheatly and Mr. Lump her Brother Lump I see Lady Sister you are resolv'd to push on the remnant of your Estate and make the Snuff of your Fortune burn clearest L. Cheatly As my Fortune was it would do us no good but this Town and the way I take may advance it or at least dispose of my own Person Lump You shall not want my Money so long as I have Deeds of Trust from you you shall have the Name on 't I have help'd you to sober solid godly men who will help to carry on your design L. Cheatly Some cautions old Fellow or other who is wise enough to have his own Wisdom contribute to the cheating of him may snap at me and some rash amorous young Fellows may catch at my Daughters Lump I wish you had set up in the City among our Party and gone to Meetings it might have been a great advantage I my self have made much benefit of Religion as to my temporal Concerns and so long as it be directed to a good end it is a pious fraud and very lawful L. Cheat. No Brother The godly have two qualities which would spoil my design great Covetousness which would make 'em pry too narrowly into our Fortune and much Eating which would too soon devour what I have left Lump Reproach not the godly Lady Sister I do not like it L. Cheat. Where is there a better Market for Beauty than near the Court And who will more likely snap at the shadow of a good Fortune than the Gentlemen of this end of the Town who are most of 'em in debt And I have chosen the best Instrument in the world to make 'em believe me Rich. Lump Who is that L. Cheat. A very busie old Gentleman and very credulous that loves to tell News and always magnifies a true Story till it becomes a Lye one Mr. Maggot Lump I know he is a Person of Parts but he is not solid he 's hot-brain'd and has not Method in him for my own part I think not any one wise who does not know what he shall do this day
moneth it will wear out and nothing will remain but blanks L. Cheat. What then my Husband was cheated of his Estate by my Brother and other Rascals and 't is fit I should take Letters of Reprisal Stew. No doubt Your Bounds you have taken from others are written with ink I had of the same man which rubb'd over with a spiriâ—… makes impressions into many sheets so that you have many Bonds for one the sums are easily altered L. Cheat. What would this Rascal have aside Stew. A thousand pound I scorn it I aim at higher things I am a Gentleman in birth your Equal L. Cheat. Heaven and Earth what have I brought my self to When my Estate is out of dispute I will inâ—…rease your reward Stew. No Madam I have long honour'd and lov'd your Ladyship and nothing less than your Person can ever satisfie me L. Cheat. How Sir Stew. Hold Madam if you use me roughly I in a moment will blast all your Fortunes and you shall fly from hence as naked as you came but if you 'll marry me Ill be as humble a Servant as I have been before L. Cheat. Insolent Villain aside Sure thou art not in earnest to him Stew. By Heaven I am and I will perish or attain my ends L. Cheat. He may undo me Oh that I should lay my Plots so shalllow I must have a trick for the Rogue aside Give me time to consider of it Stew. I can give none nor will L. Cheat. Marriage would stop my business and I shall get no more money of my Brother or others Stew. We 'll keep it private L. Cheat. Though modesty would not let me propose it to you and I would rather have died than done it I must confess the thing I wish'd for upon Earth Stew. Then I am happy and will serve you 'till my death L. Cheat. Forgive this frailty and use me well shame and blushes will confound me Stew. Dear Madam there 's no shame in Love and Marriage I see she loves me aside L. Cheat. There yet remains one difficulty You are my main Witness and when we are married you can be none therefore if you will go to a Master in Chaâ—…ery and swear to all my Deeds and make Affidavit to my false Estate the next hour shall make you Master of me and mine Stew. Hah I may be catch'd and after I have sworn to that I have no hank upon her aside Before Madam I never will but after for my own sake I must I 'll get a Parson whom I can trust and none shall know of the Marriage but himself L. Cheat. This will not do I must have another-trick for the Rascal aside You have conâ—…'d me but I am engaged to a Parson already whom I promised 〈◊〉 Office to I 'll send for him present'y Stew. I am transported with my happiness L. Cheat. Withdraw Sir I 'll come to you instantly Enter Prigg Hah this Fellow shall be my Engine and I must lose no timâ—… L. Cheat. I am glad you are come I have a business to communâ—…cate to you that concerns you nearly in which you must be secret Prig. Does it concern my Honour Madam I 'll cut theiâ—… throats L. Cheat. No Sir it concerns your Love Prig. Then I 'll cut their throats too L. Cheat. No it is not come to 〈◊〉 but just as I was resolv'd 〈◊〉 considered your passion to bestow my self upon you Prig. Oh dear Madam let me kiss your fair hand L. Cheat. Would you believe it this villainous Steward having Writings in his hands for the greatest part of my Estate is arriv'd to that insolence he threatens to burn 'em unless I will instantly marry him Prig. Oh dog Rogue your Servant Madam I 'll cut his throat immediately L. Cheat. Hold Sir he 's an odd humorous Fellow and will not have his throat cut Prig. Will he not why then I won't L. Cheat. I have design'd a better way to put a false Marriage upon him and you shall be my Chaplain you can get the habit of a Parson Prig. Ay ay this is very pretty I your Chaplain ha ha if my face would but look solid enough for a Divine L. Cheat. I warrant you 't is a very judicious face and will be very Parsonical Prig. Not so a Gamster's at your service L. Cheat. And you can read the Common-Prayer that 's material for some Gentlemen can scarce read now adays Prig. I warrant you Madam this will be the prettiest trick L. Cheat. When you have married him and me about an hour hence no body else being by I 'll take care to pack him far enough afterwards and thus reâ—…rve my self for you Get a Habit quickly and lay it in the Closet here 's the Key there you shall shift I must be gone Ex. La. Cheatly Prig. Oh happy Man I shall never need to sneak after a Lord to sing Catches break Jests to eat and rook with him well I 'll go no more to Twelve that 's certain I 'll get me a pack of Fox-Dogs hunt every day and play at the Groom-Porter's at night Ex. Prig. Enter Theodosia and I sabella in the Garden Theod. Dear Isabella how I love these solitary Walks free from the noise and importunity of Men. Isab. So much the contrary that should you hear the ratling of a Coach you 'd be ready to leap over the Wall Theod. If it were Bellamour's Isab. Why Bellamour's no though you knew it to be a tired Haâ—…kney with six dusty Passengers in 't thou art the giddiest Creature Theod. I do not love to be solid as you are and fix upon one Man 't is better to like all and love none Isab. Thou hypocrite do not I know that none but Carlos can please you he has caught you fast Theod. No never think so Do but hear the Men talk of another and 't is antidote enough against 'em they are as malicious as we Women and would quarrel as often if it were not for fear of fighting Isab. Of all men I wonder Stanmore scapes it he speaks well of no man Theod. 'T is â—…t to speak ill of Fops who were lost to the World if men of Wit might not show ' em Isab. For ought I see laughing at them does them no hurt for they rise and get Fortunes for all that Fools are lawful prize but Stanmore speaks ill of witty men Theod. When the witty men fall upon one another they make sport for the fools and so laughing goes round no matter how Isab. Stanmore says Carlos has an ill breath and takes Phyâ—…ck of a French Surgeon and that Bellamore keeps a Player and will run out his Estate Theod. And yet you see how dear they are one to another when they meet t is the fashion Enter Gartrude Gart. Oh Sister come hither here are four men measuring of swords I believe they are going to fight in the next field Carlos Prigg Stanmore and Young Maggâ—…t in the field Yo. Mag. How shall
Hornets there is Wit flashy Wit stirring here and I would as soon be in a Pest-house L. Cheat. I must comply with those I have designs upon for my Fortune's sake and for my Daughter 's Lump That does something mollifie the sin but it is too great and I cannot bear it Cannot you take religious Courses in order to your design and then you may serve Heaven and your self together You are foolish very foolish and have no method in you Car. This Gentleman is going to read a pious Poem to us pray do not interrupt him Lump Sir I must interrupt him I have a Call a great Call to it all Poetry is abominable and all Wit is an Idol a very Dagon I will down with it all the wise and godly Party of the Nation hate Wit Yo. Mag. None but Fools hate Wit and those that cannot think for my part I will venture my Blood in defence of Poetry Lump I will preach against it while I have breath Yo. Mag. Peace Fool I will read on Lump Sister You shall not hear it 't is prophane abominable a Grace-resisting Soul-destroying Conscience-choaking most unutterably Sin-nourishing thing and I cannot bear it I cannot suffer it Lady Cheatly whistles two mock-Devils descend and fly up with Lump Murder murder What dost thou do Satan whither dost thou fly with me Yo. Mag. This is very well Ha! ha ha now I may read in quiet Prig. Pray my Dear let 's be going I hate this Wit I think Mr. Lump is in the right L. Cheat. Sit but a while and I 'll go Yo. Mag. reads Beauty thou great preserver of the World By which into dead Lumps quick life is hurl'd L. Cheat. So now I shall have time to speak with you Ex. Mag. L. Cheatly Lady Busy Prigg and Young Maggot are carried up in their Chairs and hang in the Air. Prig. Hold hold Murder murder What a Devil do you mean My Dear Honey Where is my Lady Madam Madam Yo. Mag. What can this mean But hold I 'll read on if you will Beauty thou great c. All go out and leave 'em hanging Prig. They are all gone what shall I do Pox on your Wit Sirrah This is your Wit you damn'd Wit you Yo. Mag. You lye Fool 't is a Wheadle a Cross-bite of the Widow's Prig. Oh you damn'd scribling sensless sing-Song Wit Yo. Mag. Oh you damn'd gaming Jocky hunting Tennis-Fool Enter Bellamore Bell. Hell and Damnation What have I seen A Curse on all the Sex Is this the Vertue she pretended to To be lewd with so despicable a Coxcomb as Selfish so nauseous a Fellow Death and Hell Prig. Hark you Bellamore Prithee help me down Yo. Mag. Pray let me down Bell. Pox on you both Enter Selfish Self Ah Bellamore I am the happiest Man I think that ever the Sun shin'd on I have enjoy'd the prettiest Creature just now in a Room behind the Scenes I cannot help telling of thee because thou art my Friend Faith telling is half the pleasure to me for I confess to thee I think we that are happy in Lady's Affections make Love as much for Vanity as any thing else You know the Lady Bell. Damn the Dog aside 'T was one of my Lady Cheatly's Daughters which of 'em was it Self Well I can keep nothing from thee it was one of 'em but upon your Honour keep it secret guess which they are both desperately in Love with me hah Bell. Impudent Rascal and Coxcomb He strikes him then beats him with his Sword Self What ill Breeding is this Are you distracted Isab. Heaven What 's the matter Hold hold Bell. Be gone Rascal or I 'll run you through Self I will not be uncivil before a Lady another time I shall call you to an account an ill-bred Fellow Ex. Selfish Isab. What 's the reason of this Quarrel Bell. Here Carpenter Carpent Here Sir Bell. Let down those Fools and dispose of 'em so they may not trouble us Prig. So this is well Yo. Mag. Bellamore I thank you Carpenter lets 'em down and presently they sink down and roar out Bell. You know too well the occasion of the Quarrel Isab. What do you mean Bell. Is all your pretence of Vertue come to this and must my Love be thus rewarded Isab. This rudeness of yours amazes me Bell. 'T is I have cause to be amazed to be refus'd the Favour and you to grant it to that filthy Fool Selfish there 's nothing but dissembling treachery and ingratitude in your whole Sex Isab. A Favour to Selfish The Fool of all the World I scorn and hate the most but now I see you 'll give me occasion to rank you with him Bell. No you shall never rank me with him I scorn to be oblig'd to one who is so free to lay out her self upon such an Ass. Isab. Has that â—…ain Rascal lyed on me and do you believe him Bell. My Eyes will not lye Madam I will trust them and though you have let down your Skirt I know the Petticoat too well Isab. Unworthy Man I could stab thee for this Affront but that thou art not worthy of a serious thought Is this the Petticoat you mean What has my foolish Sister done Bell. How this is not the Petticoat Enter Stanmore and Gartrude bare-faced Heaven and Earth 't was Gartrude I see now Isab. I scorn and hate thee for thy base suspâ—…ion more than all Mankind Bell. Madam I am a Dog a Villain not fit to live kill me for if you forgive me not I 'll do 't my self Isab. I ll never see thy odious Face again do what thou wilt farewel base Man Ex. Isabella Bell. Hell and Devils What has my Rashness brought me to Ex. Bell. Stan. Pretty Miss Be not so troubled I have us'd thee kindly very kindly Gart. Kindly Oh sad I 'll tell my Mother what you have done to me so I will Stan. Thou art not mad Child Prithee don't Gart. But I was mad to let you be so uncivil and I will tell her here she is Enter La. Busy La. Cheatly and Maggot Stan. S'heart What a Fool she is I 'll not stand the brunt Ex. Stan. Mag. Well Madam I 'll dispatch the business and wait on you again Ex. Maggot Gart. Oh Madam what shall I do what shall I do L. Cheat. What 's the Matter Gart. I thought what 't would come to you charg'd me to be civil to Stanmore and I am deflowr'd so I am L. Cheat. Oh Heaven What did he ravish you Gart. No because you bid me be civil to him I consented I was afraid to anger you Madam L. Cheat. Civil that was civil with a vengeance let me come I 'll knock her on the head filthy Creature L. Busy Hold Madam be wise and make the best on 't let me alone to manage this Affair Come pretty Mrs. Gartrude has he made no Settlement upon thee Gart. He settled nothing but himself upon me that I know L. Cheat. No that
and I like thy Humour well give me a Phillis with ten thousand pounds I could sing one of thy own Songs my self I am so taken with this Match Yo. Mag. I hope then you will settle your Estate as you always promised if I married to your liking Mag. If I have no Children by my dear Wife her Mother here Prig. La Cheatly your Wife she has promis'd me Marriage Mag. What-e're she has promis'd you she has perform'd Marriage with me this Morning Be gone Rook they stay for thee at the Twelve-penny Ordinary Prig. What say you Madam L. Cheat. 'T is very true Prig. Then you are very false Mag. As your Dice Gamester I 'll hold you Cock-pit Lay ten pound to a Crown she 's Bone of my Bone and Flesh of my Flesh. L. Cheat. This is the Gentleman I 'll live and die with Prig. Death and Hell I 'll declare all I know L. Cheat. You will declare your self a perjur'd Knave if you do Hark here aside Mag. What do they whisper for L. Cheat. All the Steward says is true I am worth little or nothing my whole Fortune a Cheat this old Gentleman I chose because he is governable and loves Business of which my broken Fortune will give him enough Prig. What a Cross-bite have I scaped This Sham was well carried on Madam Did you hear old Fool Mag. Ounds I am cheated undone and my Nephew ruin'd and married to a Beggar Yo. Mag. I must even write hard for the Play-house I may get the reversion of the Poet Laureat's place I thought Uncle you had known every foot of her Estate Prig. Well I 'll go to New-market and never have to do with a two-legg'd Jade more I shall rook and go to Twelve let what will come on 't Mag. Since she has no Fortune I shall have no Business neither Yo. Mag. None but that which I am afraid you can't do Uncle Mag. Is this a time for Wit you Rascal when we are both undone He beats Yo. Mag. Perriâ—…ig off from under it drop several Copies of Verses Stan. A Muss a Muss A Copy of Verses upon a Flea presented to his Mistress in a gold Chain Oh happy Flea that maist both kiss and bite Like Lovers in thâ—…ir height of Appetite Her Neck so white Pretty black Alderman in golden Chain Who suck'st her Blood yet putt'st her to no pain Whil'st I in vain Mag. What would become of the writing-Coxcombs if it werâ—… not for reading ones I 'll hear no more L. Cheat. If you will go on and maintain what I have done I shall have a good Estate yet though it belongs of right to other People Mag. Right 'T is no matter for Right I 'll show 'em Law Thâ—…od The Plague of Marriage rages in this House let us fly from the Inâ—…ction Car. I am so sar gone 't is to no purpose to remove Well if you continue to be so unkind you will ruine my Soul Body and Estate Theod. How so Car. Why I can never marry any other and in despair of you I shall turn the most debauch'd whoring Rogue 't would grieve your heart to see it I shall never be able to sleep without my three Bottles and a fresh Woman every night Isab. 'T is an act of Charity to redeem him Theod. The Devil seldom losâ—…s any thing by Matrimony they most commonly grow worse for 't Car. I will lead a solid sober Husbandly life if you will marry me if not Whoring and Drinking will ensue Isab. Nay now I must judge against you You have lost your Wager and you must pay it you have confest to me you lov'd him infinitely Theod. Believe her not I deny it Car. Though I distrust my self I must believe my fair Judge I will have a Canonical Bom-Baily and arrest you upon Execution Theod. I will have a Moneth's time you shall be so long a Probationer before you enter in the Order Car. In hope of your good Nature I will press no farther at this time Now you that have reacht at your Inn of Matrimony will pray for us Travellers upon the Road. Stan. So Gentlemen we have lost ye ye are not Men of this World now make much of your Matrimonial Bonds I am glad I have done my Business without ' em Self Ladies are so kind to me I need never marry one for the matter Well I will go home and put on a very delicate neat convenient Suit to dance with the Brides in here Lump I give you all Joy You see Sister how things prosper when godly Men are the Instruments I say to all to all of you I say Be godly observe Method and be wise Car. Most excellent means to cover Cheats and Lyes EPILOGUE By the AUTHOR IN troubled Times like these the Ancients chose T'exhibit Feasts and Plays and publick Shows By such Diversions t' allay men's Fears Compose their Minds and mollifie their Cares If they did well then now your Mirth to raise Were of such merit you th' attempt should praise But 't is a Task too hard for Comedy Which ne'r agen expects good Days to see The num'rous Herd of Fopps and Knaves arise Such as to Poets should be lawful prize Whom they like Magistrates ought to chaâ—…ize Th' Embargo's lay on Wit and stop our Trading If noted Knaves or Coxcombs be the Lading But this Proceeding would be too severe Whom the Town scorns sure we may laugh at here All Prodigies to publick Marts should come Heav'n made not Coxcombs for a private Room If sullen Fools would make no sport to th' Nation We lose the only use of their Creation If such be drawn unlike we punish none And if too like some Fopps those persons own Our Poet therefore Sale-work Habits makes But of particular Men no Measure takes Variety of Garments we expose For Wits for Knaves for Fools all sort of Cloaths If any want that Honesty or Wit To think oâ—…r Fools or Knaves their Persons hit Here they may have 'em and w' are glad they sit FINIS