Iudas No No. There have been many since the Death of my Master and there are at this Day more wicked and ungrateful Ten thousand times then my self that buy the Lord of Life as well as sell him scourging and Crucifying him daily with more Spite and Ignominy then the Iews The Truth is I had an Itch to be fingering of Money and Bartering from my Entrance into the Apostleship I began you know with the Pot of Oyntment which I would fain have sold under colour of a Relief to the Poor And I went on to the selling of my Master wherein I did the World a greater good then I intended to my own irreparable ruine My Repentance now signifies Nothing To conclude I am the only Steward that 's condemn'd for Selling All the rest are damn'd for Buying And I must entreat you to have a better Opinion of me for if you 'l look but a little lower here you 'l find people a Thousand times worse then my self Withdraw draw then said I for I have had talk enough with Iudas I went down then some few steps as Iudas directed me and There I saw a world of Devils upon the March with Rods and Stirrup-leathers in their Hands lashing a Company of handsome Lasses stark naked and driving them out of Hell which me thought was pity and if I had had some of them in a Corner I should have treated them better With the Stirrup-Leathers they disciplin'd a Litter of Bawds I could not Imagine why These of all others should be expell'd the place and ask't the Question Oh says a Devil These are our Factresses in the world and the best we have so that we send them back again to bring more Grist to the Mill And indeed if it were not for Women Hell would be but thinly peopled for what with the Art the Beauty and the Allurements of the Young Wenches and the Sage Advice and Counsel of the Bawds they do us very great services Nay for fear any of our Good Friends should tire upon the Rode they send them to us on Horse-back or bring them themselves e'en to the very Gates lest they should miss their way Pursuing my journey I saw a good way before me a large Building that lookt me thought like some Enchanted Castle or the Picture of Ill-Luck It was all ruinous the Chimneys down the Planchers all to pieces only the Bars of the Windows standing The Doors all bedaw'd with dirt and patcht up with Barrel-Heads where they had been broken The Glass gone and here and there a Quarrel supply'd with Paper I made no doubt at first but the house was forsaken but coming nearer I found it otherwise by a horrible confusion of tongues and noises within it As I came just up to the Door one open'd it and I saw in the house many Devils Thieves and Whores One of the craftiest Jades in the Pack placed her self presently upon the Threshold and made her address to my Guide and me Gentlemen says she how comes it to pass I pray'e that people are damn'd both for giving and taking The Thief is condemn'd for taking away from another and we are condemn'd for giving what is our own I do not find truly any injustice in our Trade and if it be lawful to give every one their own and out of their own why are we condemn'd We found it a nice point and sent the Wench to Counsel learned in the Law for a resolution in the Case Her mentioning of Thieves made me inquire after the Scriveners and Notaries Is it possible said I that you should have none of them here for I do not remember that I have seen so much as one of them upon the way and yet I had occasion for a Scrivener and made a search for one I do believe indeed quoth the Devil that you have not found any of them upon the Road. How then said I what are they all sav'd No no cry'd the Devil but you must understand that they do not foot it hither as other mortals but come upon the Wing in Troops like Wild-geese so that 't is no wonder you see none of them upon the way We have millions of them but they cut it away in a trice for they are damn'dly rank-wing'd and will make a flight in the third part of a minute betwixt Earth and Hell But if there be so many said I how comes it we see none of them For that quoth the Devil we change their names when they come hither once and call them no longer Notaries or Scriveners but Cats and they are so good mousers that though this place is large old and ruinous yet you see not so much as a Rat or a mouse in Hell how full soever of all other sorts of Vermine Now ye talk of Vermine said I are there any Catchpoles here No not one says he How so quoth I when I dare undertake there are five hundred Rogues of the Trade for one that 's ought The Reason is says the Devil that every Catchpole upon Earth carries a Hell in 's Bosom You have still said I crossing my self an aking tooth at those poor Varlets Why not cry'd he for they are but Devils incarnate and so damn'dly verst in the art of tormenting that we live in continual dread of losing our places and that his Infernal Majesty should take these Rascals into his Service I had enough of this and travelling on I saw a little way off a great enclosure and a world of Souls shut up in 't some of them weeping and lamenting without measure others in a profound silence And this I understood to be the Lovers Quarter It sadn'd me to consider that Death it self could not kill the lamentations of Lovers Some of them were discoursing their passions and teizing themselves with fears and jelousies casting all their miseries upon their appetites and phansies that still made the Picture infinitely fairer than the Person They were for the most part troubled with a simple disease call'd as the Devil told me I Thought I askt him what that was and he answer'd me it was a Punishment suitable to their Offence for your Lovers when they fall short of their Expectations either in the pursuit or enjoyment of their Mistresses they are wont to say Alas I Thought she would have lov'd me I Thought she would never have prest me to marry her I Thought she would have been a Fortune to me I Thought she would have given me all she had I Thought she would have cost me nothing I Thought she would have askt me nothing I Thought she would have been true to my Bed I Thought she would have bin dutiful and modest I Thought she would never have kept her Gallant So that all their Pain and damnation comes from I thought This or That or So or So. In the middle of them was Cupid a little beggarly Rogue and as naked as he was born only here and there cover'd with an odd kind of
Thief or the Cheat He that would rise in the World must turn Parasite Informer or Projecter He that Marries Ventures fair for the Horn either before or after There is no Valour without Swearing Quarrelling or Hectoring If ye are poor No body Owns ye If Rich you 'l know No body If you dye Young what pity it was they 'l say that he should be cut off thus in his Prime If Old He was e'en past his best there 's no great Mis◠of him If you are Religious and frequent the Church and the Sacrament You 're an Hypocrite And without this y' are an Atheist or an Heretick If you are Gay and pleasant you pass presently for a Buffon and if Pensive and reserv'd you are taken to be soure and Censorious Courtesy is call'd Colloguing and Currying of Favour Downright Honesty and plain-dealing is Interpreted to be Pride and Ill manners This is the World and for all that 's in 't I would not have it to go over again If any of ye My Masters said he to his Camerades be of another Opinion hold up your hands No No they cry'd all Unanimously No more Generation-work I beseech ye Better the Devils then the Midwives After This came a Testator cursing and Raving like a Bedlam that He had made his last Will and Testament Ah Villein said he for a Man to murder himself as I have done If I had not Seal'd I had not dy'd Of all things next a Physician Deliver me from a Testament It has kill'd more then the Pestilence Oh Miserable Mortals let the Living take warning by the Dead and make no Testaments It was my hard Luck first to put my Life into the Physicians power and then by making my Will to sign the Sentence of Death upon my self and my Own Execution Put your Soul and your Estate in Order says the Doctor for there 's no hope of Life And the Word was no sooner out but I was so wise and Devout forsooth as to fall immediately upon the Prologue of my Will with an In Nomine Domini Amen c. And when I came to dispose of my Goods and Chattels I pronounc'd these Bloody Words I would I had been Tongue-ty'd when I did it I make and Constitute my Son my Sole Exec'tor Item to my Dear Wife I give and Bequeath all my Playes and Romances and all the Furniture in the Rooms upon the Second Story To my very good Friend T. B. my large Tankard for a Remembrance To my Foot-boy Robin five pound to bind him Prentice To Betty that tended me in my sickness my little Candle-Cup To Mr. Doctor my fair Table-Diamond for his Care of me in my Illness After Signing and Sealing the Ink was scarce dry upon the Paper but methought the Earth open'd as if it had been hungry to devour me My Son and my Legatees were presently Casting it up how many hours I might yet hold out If I call'd for the Cordial Iulep or a little of Dr. Gilbert's Water my Son was taking Possession of my Estate My Wife so busy about the Beds and Hangings that she could not intend it The Boy and the Wench could understand Nothing but about their Legacies My very good Friend's Mind was wholly upon his Tankard My kind 〈◊〉 I must confess took Occasion now and then to handle my Pulse and see whether the Diamond were of the right Black Water or no. If I ask't him what I might Eat his Answer was Any thing any thing E'en what you please your self At every Grone I fetch 't they were calling for their Legacies which they could not have till I was Dead But if I were to begin the World again I think I should make another kind of Testament I would say A Curse upon him that shall have my Estate when I am Dead And may the first bit of Bread he eats out on 't choak him The Devil in Hell take what I cannot carry away and him too that struggles for 't if He can Catch him If I dye let my Boy Robin have the Strappado three hours a day to be duly paid him during Life Let my Wife dye of the Pip or the Mother not a half penny matter which but let her first live long Enough to Plague the Damn'd Doctor and Indite him for poysoning her Poor Husband To speak sincerely I can never forgive that Dog-Leech Was it not enough to make me Sick when I was well without making me Dead when I was Sick And not to rest there neither but to persecute me in my Grave too But to say the Truth this is only Neighbour's-fare for all those fools that trust in them are serv'd with the same Sawce A Vomit or a Purge is as good a Pass-port into the other World as a man would wish And then when our heads are laid 't is never to be endured the Scandals they cast upon our Bodies and Memories Heaven rest his Soul crys one He kill'd himself with a Debauch How is 't possible says another to cure a man that keeps no Diet He was a Mad-man crys a Third a Meer Sot and would not be govern'd by his Physician His Body was as Rotten as a Pear He had as many Diseases as a Horse and it was not in the Power of Man to save him And truly 't was well that his hour was come for he had better a great deal Dye well then live on as he did Thieves and Murtherers that ye are You your selves are that hour ye talk of The Physician is only Death in a Disguise and brings his Patients Hour along with him Cruel People Is it not Enough to take away a Man's life and like Common Hang-men to be paid for 't when ye have done but you must blast the Honour too of those you have dispatch't to excuse your Ignorance Let but the Living follow my Counsel and write their Testaments after This Copy they shall live long and Happily and not go out of the World at last like a Rat with a straw in his Arse as a learned Author has it or be cut off in the flower of their days by these Counterfeit Doctors of the faculty of the Close-stool The dead man ply'd his discourse with so much Gravity and Earnestness that Lucifer began to believe what he said But because all Truths are not to be spoken especially among the Devils where hardly any are admitted and for fear of mischief if the Doctors should come to hear what had been said Lucifer presently order'd the Fellow should be Gagg'd or to put in security for his good behaviour His mouth was no sooner stopt but another was open'd and one of the damn'd came running cross the Company and so up and down back and forward like a Cur that had lost his Master bawling as if he had been out of his Wits and crying out Oh! Where am I Where am I I am abus'd I am chous'd What 's the meaning of all this Here are damning Devils tempting Devils and
a Scare-Crow as you are do with a Bed-fellow Give over your Bawdy Haunts for shame and do n't make a man Glory of a Sin when you 're past the Pleasure of it and your self upon all Accompts contemptible into the Bargain This Fellow sayes He would make a man break his heart with Laughing Come come say your Prayers and bethink your self of Eternity you have one Foot in the Grave already and 't is high time to fit your self for the other World Thou wilt absolutely kill me with Laughing I tell thee I 'm as sound as a Roche and I do not Remember that ever I was better in my Life Others there are that let a man advise them upon their Death Beds and even at the last Gasp to send for a Divine or to make some handsome settlement of their Estates Alas Alas they 'l cry I have been as bad as this many a time before and with Falstaffe's Hostess I hope in the Lord there 's no need to think of him yet These men are lost for ever before they can be brought to understand their Danger This Vision wrought strangely upon me and gave me all the Pains and Marques Imaginable of a true Repentance Well said I since so it is that man has but one life allotted him and so many Deaths but one way into the World and so many Millions out of it I will certainly at my Return make it more my Care than it has been to Live with a Good Conscience that I may dye with Comfort These last words were scarce out of my Mouth when the Cryer of the Court with a loud Voice Called out The Dead The Dead Appear the Dead And so immediately I saw the Earth begin to Move and gently opening it self to make way first for Heads and Arms and then by Degrees for the whole Bodies of Men and Women that came out half muffled in their Night-Caps and ranged themselves in excellent Order and with a profound silence Now says Death let every one speak in his Turn And in the instant up comes One of the Dead to my very Beard with so much Fury and Menace in his Face and Action that I would have given him half the Teeth in my Head for a Composition These Devils of the World quoth he what would they be at my Masters cannot a poor Wretch be quiet in his Grave for ye but ye must be Casting your Scorns upon him and charging him with things that upon my Soul he 's as Innocent of as the Child that 's Unborn What hurt has he done any of you ye Scoundrels you to be thus Abused And I beseech you Sir said I under your Favourable Correction who may you be for I confess I have not the Honour either to Know or to understand ye I am quoth he the Unfortunate Tony that has been in his Grave now this many a fair year and yet your wise Worships forsooth have not wit enough to make your Selves and your Company merry but Tony must still be one half of your Entertainment and Discourse When any man plays the Fool or the Extravagant presently He 's a Tony. Who drew this or that Ridiculous Piece Tony. Such or such a one was never well taught No he had a Tony to his Master But let me tell ye He that shall call your Wisdoms to shrift and take a strict accompt of your words and actions will upon the Upshot find you all a Company of Tonys and in Effect the Greater Impertinents As for Instance Did I ever make Ridiculous Wills as you do to oblige others to pray for a man in his Grave that never pray'd for Himself in his Life Did I ever rebell against my Superiors Or was I ever so arrant a Coxcomb as by colouring my Cheeks and Hair to imagine that I could reform Nature and make my Self young again Can ye say that I ever put an Oath to a Lye or broke a solemn Promise as you do every day that goes over your Heads Did I ever enslave my self to money Or on the other side make Ducks and Drakes with it and squander it away in Gaming Revelling and Whoring Did my Wife â—ver wear the Breeches Or did I ever marry at all to be reveng'd of a false Mistress Was I ever so very a fool as to believe any man would be True to me who had betray'd his Friend Or to venture all my Hopes upon the Wheel of Fortune Did I ever envy the Felicity of a Court-life that sells and spends all for a Glance What pleasure did I ever take in the lewd Discourses of Hereticks and Libertines Or did I ever List my self in the party to get the name of a Gifted-Brother Who ever saw me Insolent to my Inferiors or Basely Servile to my betters Did I ever go to a Conjurer or to your Dealers in Nativities and Horoscopes upon any Occasion of Loss or Death Now if you your selves be guilty of all these Fopperies and I innocent I beseech ye where 's the Tony So that you see Tony is not the Tony you take him for But to Crown his other Vertues he is also endued with so large a stock of Patience that whoever needed it had it for the asking Unless it were such as came to borrow money or in Cases of Women that claim'd Marriage of him or Laquais that would be making sport with his Bauble and to These He was as Resolute as Iohn Florio While we were upon this Discourse another of the Dead came marching up to me with a Spanish pace and gravity and giving me a Touch o' the Elbow Look me in the Face quoth he with a stern Countenance and know Sir that you are not now to have to do with a Tony. I beseech your Lordship said I saving your Reverence let me know your Honour that I may pay my Respects accordingly for I must confess I thought all people here had been Hail fellow well met I am call'd quoth he by mortals Queen Dick and whether you know me or not I 'm sure you 'l think of me often enough and if the Devil did not possess ye you would let the Dead alone and content your selves to persecute One Another Ye can't see a High-crown'd Hat a Thred-bare Cloak a Basket-hilt Sword or a Dudgeon Dagger nay not so much as a Reverend Matron well striken in years but presently ye cry This or That 's of the Mode or Date of Queen Dick. If ye were not every Mother's Child of ye stark mad ye would confess that Queen Dick's were Golden-daies to those ye have had since and 't is an easie matter to prove what I say Will ye see a Mother now teaching her Daughter a Lesson of good Government Child says she you know that modesty is the great Ornament of your Sex wherefore be sure when ye come in Company that you don't stand staring the men in the Face as if ye were looking Babies in their Eyes but rather look a little Downward
have made him good for something and you might have done his Business In the mean time the Babbler went whispering up and down and finding faults till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping Devils in a Cornâ—r that were fagotted up and all mouldy and full of Cobwebs which he immediately gave notice of and they cut the band to give them Air. With much ado they waked them and askt what Devils they were what they did there and why they were not upon Duty They fell a Yawning and said that they were the Devils of Luxury But since the Women have taken a Phansie to prefer Guinies and Iacobusses before their Modesty and Honour there has been no need of a Devil in the Case to tempt them for 't is but shewing them the merry Spankers they 'll dare like Larks and fall down before ye and then ye may e'en do what you will with them and take them up in a Purse-net Gold supplies all imperfections it makes an Angel of a Crocodile turns a Fool into a Philosopher and a Dressing-Box well lin'd is worth twenty thousand Devils So that there is no temptation like a Present and take them from Top to Bottom the whole Race of Woman is frail and one thred of Pearl will do more with them than a million of fine stories Just as this Devil made an end we heard another snorting and 't was well he did so for we had trod upon his belly else He was laid hold of upon suspicion that he slept Dog-sleep or rather the sleep of a contented Cuckold that would spoil no sport where he made none I am says he the Nuns Devil and for want of other employment I have been three days asleep here as you found me My Mistresses are now chusing an Abbess and always when they are at that work I make Holy-day For they are all Devils themselves then There is such Canvasing Flattering Importuning Cajoling making of Parties and in a word so general a Confusion that a Devil among them would do more hurt than good Nay the Ambitious make it a point of Honour upon such an occasion to shew that they can out-wit the Devils And if ever Hell should be in danger of a Peace It is my Advice that you presently call in a Convention of Nuns to the Election of an Abbess which would most certainly reduce it to its ancient state of Sedition Mutiny and Confusion and bring us all in effect to such a pass that we should hardly know one another Lucifer was very well pleas'd with the Advice and order'd it to be entred upon the Register as a sure Expedient to supprâ—ss any disorders that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his Government after which he commanded the issuing out of a Summons to all his Companies and Livery-men who forthwith appear'd in prodigious Multitudes and Lucifer with a Hideous Yell deliver'd himself most graciously as follows The Decree of Lucifer TO our Trusty and Despairing Legions and well-beloved Subjects lying under the Condemnation of Perpetual Darkness that liv'd Pensioners to sin and had Death for their Pay-master Greeting This is to let you understand that there are two Devils who pretend a claim to the honour of our Lieutenancy but we have absolutely refus'd to gratifie either the One or the Other in that point out of a singular Affection and Respect to Our right Trusty and Well-beloved Cousin a certain She-Devil that deserves it before all others At this the whole Assembly fell to whispering and muttering and staring one upon another till at last Lucifer observing it bad them never trouble themselves to guess who it might be but fetch Good Fortune to him known otherwise by the name of Madam Prosperity who presently appear'd in the tail of the Assembly and with a proud and disdainful Air march'd up and planted her self before the degraded Seraphim who lookt her wistly in the face and then he went on in the Tone he first began It is our Will Pleasure and Command that next and immediately under our proper Person you pay all Honour and Respect to the Lady Prosperity and obey her as the most mighty and supreme Governess of these our Dominions Which Titles and Qualities we have conferr'd upon her as due to her merit for she hath damn'd more Souls than all you together She it is that makes men cast off all fear of God and Love of their Neighbour She it is that makes men place their Sovereign good in Riches That Engages and Entangles mens minds in Vanity strikes them blind in their Pleasures Loads them with Treasure and Buries them in sin Where 's the Tragedy that she has not play'd her part in 't Where 's the Stability and Wisdom that she has not stagger'd Where 's the Folly that she has not improv'd and augmented She takes no Counsel and fears no Punishment She it is that furnishes matter for Scandal experience for Story that entertains the Cruelty of Tyrants and bathes the Executioners in Innocent Bloud How many Souls that liv'd innocent while they were poor have fallen into impiety and reprobation so soon as ever they came to drink of the inchanted Cup of Prosperity Go to then be Obedient to Her we charge ye all as to Our Self and understand that They that stand their ground against Prosperity are none of your Quarry Let them e'en alone for 't is but time lost to attempt them Take example from that impertinent Devil that got leave to tempt Iob he persecuted him begger'd him cover'd him all over with Scabs and Vlcers Sot that he was if he had understood his business he would have gone another way to work and begg'd leave to have multiplyed Riches upon him and to have possest him of Health and Pleasures That 's the Tryal and how many are there that when they thrive in the world turn their backs upon Heaven and never so much as name their Creator but in Oaths and then too without thinking on him Their Discourse is all of Iollities Banquets Comedies Purchases and the like Whereas the poor man has God perpetually both in his mouth and heart Lord says he be mindful of me and have mercy upon me for all my trust is in thee Wherefore says Lucifer redoubling his accursed clamour let it be Publisht forthwith throughout all our Territories that Calamities Troubles and Persecutions are our mortal Enemies for so we have found them upon Experience they are the Dispensations of Providence the Blessings of the Almighty to fit Sinners for himself and they that suffer them are enrolled in the Militia of Heaven Item For the better administration of our Government It is our Will and Pleasure and we do strictly charge and command that our Devils give constant attendance in all Courts of Iudicature and they are hereby totally discharged from any further care of Little petty Foggers Flatterers and Envious Persons for they are so well acquainted with Hell Rode that they 'll