so And much about the age of our Girl there For both were nurs'd together Moth 'T is so fresh In my remembrance now y' have wakned it As if twelve years were but a twelve hours dream Sir Ol. That Girl is now a proper Gentlewoman As fine a body wife as ere was measured With an Indenture cut in farthing steaks Suns O say not so Sir Oliver you shall pardon me Sir Y'faith Sir you are too blame Sir Ol. Sings dances plays Touches an Instrument with a Motherly Grace Suns 'T is your own daughter that you mean that by Sav. There 's open Dutch indeed and he could take it Sir Ol. This wench under your leave Suns You have my love in 't Sir Ol. Is my sons wife that shall be Sav. Thus I 'd hold with 't Is your sons wife that should be Mr Sandfields Moth I come in happy time to a feast of marriages Sir Ol. And now you put 's i' th' minde the hour draws on At the new married Widows there we 're look'd for There will be entertainments sports and banquets There these yong lovers shall clap hands together The seed of one feast shall bring forth another Suns Well said Sir Oliver Sir Ol. Y' are a stranger Sir Your welcome will be best Dutch M. Good Sir excuse me Sir Ol. You shall along y'faith you must not refuse me Exit Manent Mother Sister Philip and Savorwit Phil. O Mother these new joys that sets my soul up Which had no means nor any hope of any Has brought me now so far in debt to you I know not which way to begin to thank you I am so lost in all I cannot ghess Which of the two my service most constrains Your last kinde goodness or your first deer pains Moth Love is a Mothers duty to a son As a sons duty is both love and fear Sav. I ow you a poor life Madam that 's all Pray call for 't when you please it shall be ready for you Moth Make much on 't Sir till then Sav. If Butter'd Sack will Moth Me thinks the more I look upon her son The more thy sisters face runs in my minde Phil. Belike she 's somewhat like her It makes the better Madam Moth Was Antwerp say you the first place you found her in Phil Yes Madam Why do you ask Moth Whose daughter were you Grace I know not rightly whose to speak truth Madam Sav. The Mother of her was a good twigger the whilst Moth No with whom were you brought up then Grace With those Madam To whom •'ve often heard the enemy sold me Moth What 's that Grace Too often have I heard this piteous story Of a distressed Mother I had once Whose comfortable sight I lost at Sea But then the years of childhood took from me Both the remembrance of her and the sorrows Moth Oh I begin to feel her in my blood My heart leaps to be at her What was that Mother Grace Some said an English Lady But I know not Moth What 's thy name Grace Grace Moth May it be so in Heaven For thou art mine on Earth welcome dear childe Unto thy Fathers house thy Mothers arms After thy forein sorrows Sav. 'T will prove gallant Moth What son such earnest work I bring thee joy now Will make the rest show nothing 't is so glorious Phil. Why 't is not possible Madam that mans happiness Should take a greater height then mine aspires Moth No now you shall confess it this shall quit thee From all fears present or hereafter doubts About this business Phil. Give me that sweet Mother Moth Here take her then and set thine arms a work There needs no ' fection 't is indeed thy sister Phil. My sister Sav. Cuds me I feel the razor Moth Why how now son how comes a change so soon Phil. Oh I beseech you Mother wound me anywhere But where you pointed last That 's present death Devise some other miserable torment Though ne'r so pittiless and I 'll run and meet it Some way more merciful let your goodness think on May steal away my joys but save my soul I 'll willingly restore back every one Upon that milde condition any thing But what you spake last will be comfortable Moth Y' are troubled with strange fits in England here Your first suit to me did entreat me hardly To say 't was she to have old wrath appeas'd And now 't is known your sister y' are not pleas'd How should I show my self Phil. Say 't is not she Moth Shall I deny my daughter Phil. O you kill me Beyond all tortures Moth Why do you deal thus with me Phil. She is my wife I married her at Antwerp I have known the way unto her Bed these three moneths Sav. And that 's too much by twelve weeks for a sister Moth I understand you now too soon too plain Phil. O Mother if you love my peace for ever Examine her again finde me not guilty Moth 'T is now too late her words make that too true Phil. Her words shall bare words overthrow a soul A body is not cast away so lightly How can you know 't is she let Sense decide it She then so yong and both so long divided Moth She tells me the sad story Phil. Does that throw me Many a distress may have the face of yours Tha• never was kin to you Moth But however Sir I trust you are not married Phil. Here 's the witness And all the wealth I had with her this Ring That joyn'd our hearts together Moth Oh too clear now Thou••• brought in evidence to o'rthrow thy self Had no one word been spoke onely this shown T 'had been enough to approv'd her for mine own See here two Letters that begun my name Before I knew thy Father this I gave her And as a Jewel fastned to her ear Grace Pardon me Mother that you finde it stray I kept it till I gave my heart away Phil. Oh to what Mountain shall I take my flight To hide the monster of my sin from sight Sav. I 'll to Wales presently there 's the best Hills To hide a poor knave in Moth Oh heap not desperation upon guilt Repent yet and all 's sav'd 't was but hard chance Amongst all sins Heaven pities ignorance She 's still the first that has her pardon sign'd All sins else see their faults she 's onely blinde Go to thy Chamber pray leave off and win One hours repentance cures a twelve moneths sin Exit cum Filia Grace O my distressed husband my dear Brother Phil. O Savorwit never came sorrow yet To mankinde like it I 'm so far distrest I 've no time left to give my heart attendance Too little all to wait upon my soul Before this empest came how well I stood Full in the beams of blessedness and joy The memory of man could never say So black a storm fell in so bright a day I am that man that ev'n life surfeits of Or if to live
they go trim I wish'd thee Sir some unexpected blessing For my Wives ransom and 't is faln upon thee Weath A pox of this my Almanack ne'r gull'd me till this hour the thirteenth day work for the hangman and there 's nothing toward it I 'd been a fine ass if I 'd given twelve-pence for a horse to have rid to Tyburn to morrow But now I see the error 't is false figured it should be thirteen days and a half work for the hangman for he ne'r works under thirteen-pence half-penny Beside Venus being a spot in the ••ns garment shows there should be a woman found in Hose and Doublet Sir Ol. Nay faith sweet wife we 'll make no more hours on 't now 't is as fine a contracting time as ever came amongst Gentle-folks Son Philip Master Sandfield come to the book here Phil Now I 'm wak'd Into a thousand miseries and their torments Sav. And I come after you Sir drawn with wilde horses there will be a brave show on 's anon if this weather continue Sir Ol. Come wenches where be these yong Genmens hands now Moth Poor Gentleman my son some other time Sir Sir Ol. I 'll have 't now y'faith wife Wid. What are you making here Sir Ol. I have sworn sweet Madam My son shall marry Mr Sunsets daughter And Mr Sandfield mine Wid. So you go well Sir But what make you this way then Sir Ol. This for my son Wid. O back Sir back this is no way for him Suns Sir Ol. How Wid. O let me break an oath to save two souls Lest I should wake another judgment greater You come not here for him Sir Sir Ol. What 's the matter Wid. Either give me free leave to make this match Or I 'll forbid the Banes Sir Ol. Good Madam take it Wid. Here Mr Sandfield then Sir Ol. Cuds Bodkins Wid. Take you this Maid Sandf You could not please me better Madam Sir Ol. Hoyda is this your hot love to my daughter Sir Wid. Come hither Philip here 's a wife for you Sir Ol. Zunes he shall ne'r do that marry his Sister Wid. Had he been rul'd by you he had married her But now he marries Mr Sunsets daughter And Mr Sandfield yours I 've sav'd your oath Sir Phil. O may this blessing hold Sav. Or else all the liquor runs out Sir Ol. What Riddle 's this Madam Wid. A Riddle of some fourteen years of age now You can remember Madam that your daughter Was put to nurse to Mr Sunsets wife Moth True that we talk'd on lately Sir Ol. I grant that Madam Wid. Then you shall grant what follows At that time You likewise know old Mr Sunset here Grew backward in the world till his last fortunes Rais'd him to this estate Sir Ol. Still this we know too Wid. His wife then Nurse both to her own and yours And both so yong of equal years and daughters Fearing the extremity of her fortunes then Should fall upon her Infant to prevent it She chang'd the children kept your daughter with her And sent her own to you for better fortunes So long enjoyn'd by solemn oath unto 't Upon her death bed I have conceal'd this But now so urg'd here 's yours and this is his Sav Hoop the joy is come of our side Weath Hay I 'll cast mine Almanack to the Moon too and strike out a new one for next year Phil. It wants expression this miraculous blessing Sav Me thinks I could spring up and knock my hea• against yon S•lver-feeling now for joy Weath By my faith but I do not mean to follow you there so I may dash out my Brains against Charls Wain and come down as wise as a Carman Sir Ol. I never wondred yet with greater pleasure Moth What tears have I bestow'd on a lost daughter And left her behinde me Wid. This is Grace This Jane Now each has her right name and place Suns I never heard of this Wid. I 'll swear you did not Sir Sir Ol. How well I have kept mine oath against my will Clap hands and joy go with you Well said Boys Phil How art thou blest from shame and I from ruine Sav. I from the Bakers Ditch if I 'd seen you in Phil. Not possible the whole world to match again Such grief such joy in minutes lost and won Bev. Who ever knew more happiness in less compass Ne'r was poor Gentleman so bound to a Sister As I am for the weakness of thy minde Not onely that thy due but all our wealth Shall lie as open as the Sun to man For thy employments so the charity Of this dear Bosom bids me tell thee now Mrs Low I am her servant for 't Wid. Hah worthy Sister The government of all I bless thee with Bev. Come Gentlemen on all perpetual Friendship Heaven still relieves what Misery would destroy Never was night yet of more general Joy EPILOGUE NOw let me see what weather shall we have now Hold fair now and I care not Mass Full Moon too Just between five and six this Afternoon This happens right the skie for the best part clear Save here and there a Cloud or two dispers'd That 's some dozen of Panders and half a score Pick-Pockets You may know them by their whistle And they do well to use that while they may For Tyburn craks the Pipe and spoils the Musick What says the destiny of the hour this Evening Hah fear no colours by my troth agreed then The red and white looks chearfully For know ye all The Planet's Jupiter you should be jovial There 's nothing lets it but the Sun i' th' Dog Some bark in corners that will fawn and cog Glad of my fragments for their Ember-week The Signs in Gemini too both hands should meet There should be noise i' th' Air if all things hap Though I love Thunder when you make the clap Some faults perhaps have slipt I am to answer And if in any thing your revenge appears Send me in with all your fists about mine ears FINIS Courteous Reader these Books following are printed for Humphrey Moseley at the Princes Armes in St. Pauls Church-yard Various Histories with curious Discourses in humane Learning c. 1 HIstoricall relations of the united Provinces of Flanders by Cardinall Bentivoglio Englished by the Right Honorable Henry Earle of Monmouth Fol. 2. The History of the Warrs of Flanders written in Italian by that learned and famous Cardinal Bentivoglio Englished by the Right Honorable Henry E. of Monmouth The whole worke Illustrated with a Map of the 17. Provinces and above 20 Figures of the chiefe Personages mentioned in this History Fol. 3. The History of the Warrs of the Emperor Justinian with the Persians Goths and Vandalls written in Greek by Procopius of Caesaria in eight Bookes translated into English by Sir Henry Holcroft Knight Fol. 4. De Bello Belgico the History of the Low-Country Warrs written in Latine by Famianus Strada in English by Sir Robert
Vera Effigies Tho Midletoni Gent NO WIT HELP LIKE A VVOMANS A COMEDY BY Tho Middleton Gent. LONDON Printed for Humphrey Moseley at the Prince's Arms in St. Pauls Church-yard 1657. PROLOGUE HOw is' t possible to suffice So many Ears so many Eyes Some in wit some in shows Take delight and some in Clothes Some for mirth they chiefly come Some for passion for both some Some for lascivious meetings that 's their arrant Some to detract and ignorance their warrant How is' t possible to please Opinion tos'd in such wilde Seas Yet I doubt not if Attention Seize you above and Apprehension You below to take things quickly We shall both make you sad and tickle ye The Actors Names SIr Oliver Twilight a rich old Knight Philip his Son servant to Mistress Grace Sandfield friend to Philip servant to Mistress Jane Mr. Sunset true Father of Mistress Grace Mr. Low-water a decayed Gentleman Suitors to the Lady Golden-fleece Sir Gilbert Lambston Mr. Weatherwise Mr. Pepperton Mr. Overdon Mr. Beveril Brother to Mistress Low-water Dutch Merchant Dutch Boy Savor-wit Sir Oliver's man Footman Pickadille Lady Golden-fleeces Fool Lady Twilight Lady Golden fleece a rich Widow Mistress Low-water Mistress Grace Sunsets Daughter but supposed Twilights Mistress Jane Twilights Daughter but supposed Sunsets The Scene LONDON NO Wit Help Like a WOMANS Act 1. Scaen 1. Enter Philip Sir Oliver Twilights Son with Savorwit his Fathers man Phil. I Am at my wits ends Savor-wit Savorw And I am ev•n following after you as fast as I can Sir Phil. My wife will be forc'd from me my pleasure Sav. Talk no more on 't Sir how can there be any hope i' th' middle when w' are both at our wits end in the beginning My invention was nev'r so gravel'd since I first set out upon 't Phil Nor does my stop stick onely in this wheel Though it be a main vexation but I 'm grated In a dear absolute Friend yong Mr. Sandfield Sav. I there 's another rub too Phil. Who supposes That I make love to his affected Mistress When 't is my Father works against the peace Of both our spirits and woes unknown to me He strikes out sparks of undeserved anger ' Bwixt old Steel friendship and new Stony hate As much forgetful of the merry hours The circuits of our youth hath spent and worn As if they had not been or we not born Sav. See where he comes Enter Sandfield Sandf Unmerciful in torment Will this disease never forsake mine eye Phil. It must be kil'd first if it grow so painful Work it out strongly at one time that th' anguish May never more come near thy precious sight If my eternal sleep will give thee rest Close up mine eyes with opening of my Brest Sandf I feel thy wrongs at midnight and the weight Of thy close Treacheries Thou hast a friendship As dangerous as a Strumpets that will kiss Men into poverty distress and ruine And to make clear the face of thy foul deeds Thou work'st by Seconds Phil. Then may the sharp point of an inward horror Strike me to earth and save thy weapon guiltless Sandf Not in thy Father Phil. How much is truth abus'd when 't is kept silent Phil. O defend me Friendship Sav. True your anger 's in an error all this while Sir But that a Lovers weapon now hears reason 'T is out still like a mad mans hear but me Sir 'Ts my yong Masters injury not yours That you quarrel with him for and this shows As if y 'would challenge a lame man the field And cut off 's head because he has lost his Legs His grief makes him dead flesh as it appear'd By offring up his Brest to you for believe it Sir Had he not greater crosses of his own Your Hilts could not cross him Sandf How Sav. Not your Hilts Sir Come I must have you friends a pox of weapons There 's a Whore gapes for 't put it up i' th' Scabbard Sandf Thou' rt a made slave Sav. Come give me both your hands Y' are in a Quagmire both should I release you now Your wits would both come home in a stinking pickle Your Fathers old Nose would smell you out presently Phil. Tell him the Secret which no mortal knows But thou and I and then he will confess How much he wrong'd the patience of his Friend Sav. Then thus the Marigold opens at the splendor Of a hot constant friendship 'twixt you both 'T is not unknown to your ear some ten years since My Mistress his good Mother with a Daughter About the age of six crossing to Jernsey Was taken by the Dunkirks sold both and separated As the last news brings hot the first and last So much discover'd for in nine years space No certain tidings of their life or death Or what place held 'em Earth the Sea or Heaven Came to the old mans ears the Knight my Master Till about five moneths since a Letter came Sent from the Mother which related all Their taking selling separation And never meeting and withal required Six hundred Crowne for Ransom which my old Master No sooner heard the sound but told the sum Gave him the Gold and sent us both aboard We landing by the way having a care To lighten us of our carriage because Gold Is such a heavy mettal eas'd our Pockets In Wenches Aprons Women were made to bear But for us Gentlemen 't is most unkindly Sandf Well Sir Phil. A pure Rogue still Sav. Amongst the rest Sir 'T was my yong Masters chance there to dote finely Upon a sweet yong Gentlewoman but one That would not sell her honor for the Indies Till a Priest struck the bargain and then half a crown dispatcht it To be brief Wedded her and bedded her Brought her home hither to his Fathers house And with a fair tale of mine own bringing up She passes for his sister that was sold Sandf Let me not lose my self in wondring at thee But how made you your score even for the Mother Sav. Pish easily we told him how her Fortunes Mockt us as they mockt her when we were o' th' Sea She was o' th' Land and as report was given When we were landed she was gone to Heaven So he believes two lyes one error bred The Daughter ransom'd and the Mother dead Sandf Let me admire thee and withal confess My injuries to friendship Phil. They 're all pardon'd These are the arms I bore against my friend Sav. But what 's all this to th' present this discourse Leaves you i' th' Bogg still Phil. On good Savorwit Sav. For yet our policy has crost our selves For the old Knave my Master little thinking her Wife to his Son but his own daughter still Seeks out a match for her Phil. Here I feel the Surgeon At second dressing Sav. And h 'as entertain'd Ev'n for pure need for fear the Glass should crack That is already broken but well soader'd A meer Sot for her Suiter a rank Fox One
are poor Sir Ol. Blest be the goodness of his minde for ever That did redeem thy life may it return Upon his fortunes double that worthy Gentleman Kinde Mr Beveril showre upon him Heaven Some unexpected happiness to requite him For that my joys unlook'd for O more kinde And juster far is a meer strangers goodness Then the sophistick faith of natural sons Here 's one could juggle with me take up the ransom He and his loose companion Sav. Say you me so Sir I 'll eat hard Eggs for that t•ick Sir Ol. Spend the money And bring me home false news and empty pockets In that yong gallants tongue there you were dead Ten weeks before this day had not this Merchant Brought first the truth in words your self in substance Moth Pray let me stay you here ere you proceed Sir Did he report me dead say you Sir Ol. Else you live not Moth See now Sir you may lay your blame too rashly When no body look'd after it let me tell you Sir A Fathers anger should take great advice Ere it condemn flesh of so dear a price He 's no way guilty yet for that report The general tongue of all the Countrey spred For being remov'd ' far off I was thought dead Phil. Can my faith now be taken into favor Sir Is' t worthy to be trusted Sav. No by my troth is' t not 't would make shift to spend another ransom yet Sir Ol. Well Sir I must confess y 'ave here dealt well with me And what is good in you I love again Sav. Now am I half ways in just to the girdle But the worst part 's behinde Sir Ol. Marry I fear me Sir This weather is too glorious to hold long Moth I see no cloud to interpose it Sir If you place confidence in what I have told you Sir Ol. Nay 't is clear skie on that side would 't were so All over his obedience I see that And so does this good Gentleman Moth Do you Sir Sir Ol. That makes his honesty doubtful Moth I pray speak Sir The truth of your last kindness makes me bold with you Dutch M. The Knight your husband Madam can best speak He trul•est can show griefs whose heart they break Moth I 'm sorry yet for more pray let me know 't Sir That I may help to chide him though 't would grieve me Sir Ol. Why then prepare for 't you came over now In the best time to do 't you could pick out Not onely spent my money but to blinde me He and his wicked Instrument Sav. Now he fiddles me Sir Ol. Brings home a Minion here by great chance known Told me she was his sister she proyes none Moth This was unkindly done Sir now I 'm sorry My good opinion lost it self upon you You are not the same son I left behinde me More grace took him O let me end in time For fear I should forget my self and chide him Where is he Sir though he beguil'd your eyes He cannot deceive mine we 're now too hard for him For since our first unfortunate separation I 've often seen the Girl would that were true By many a happy accident many a one But never durst acknowledge her for mine own And therein stood my joys distrest again Sir Ol. You rehearse miseries wife call the Maid down Sav. She 's been too often down to be now called so She 'll lie down shortly and call some body up Moth He 's now to deal with one Sir that knows truth He must be sham'd or quit there 's no mean saves him Sir Ol. I hear her come Moth You see how hard 't is now To redeem good opinion being once gone Be careful then and keep it when 't is won Now see me take a poyson with great joy Which but for thy sake I should swoun to touch Enter Grace Grace What new affliction am I set to sale For any one that bids most shame for me Sir Ol. Look you do you see what stuff they 've brought me home here Moth Oh bless her eternal powers my life my comforts My nine years grief but everlasting joy now Thrice welcome to my heart 't is she indeed Sir Ol. What is it Phil. I 'm unfit to carry a ransom Sav. Down on your knees to save your Belly harmless Ask blessing though you never mean to use it But give 't away presently to a Beggar-wench Phil. My faith is blemish'd I 'm no man of trust Sir Moth Rise with a Mothers blessing Sav. All this while sh 'as rise with a sons Sir Ol. But soft ye soft ye wife I pray take heed you place your blessing right now This honest Dutchman here told me he saw her At Antwerp in an Inn. Moth True she was so Sir Dutch M. Sir 't is my quality what I speak once I affirm ever in that Inn I saw her That lets her not to be your daughter now Sir Ol. Oh Sir is' t come to that Suns Here 's joys ne'r dreamt on Sir Ol. O Mr Sunset I am at the rising Of my refulgent happiness now son Sandfield Once more and ever Sandf I am proud on 't Sir Sir Ol. Pardon me boy I have wrong'd thy faith too much Sav. Now may I leave my shell and peep my head forth Sir Ol. Where is this Savorwit that honest whoreson That I may take my curse from his knaves shoulders Sav. O Sir I feel you at my very blade here Your curse is ten stone weight and a pound over Sir Ol. Come thou' rt a witty Varlet and a trusty Sav. You shall still finde me a poor faithful fellow Sir If you have another ransome to send over Or daughter to finde out Sir Ol. I 'll do thee right boy I ne'r yet knew thee but speak honest English Marry in Dutch I found thee a knave lately Sav. That was to hold you but in play a little Till farther truths came over and I strong You shall ne'r finde me a knave in mine own tongue I have more grace in me I go out of England Still when I take such courses that shows modesty Sir Sir Ol. Any thing full of wit and void of harm I give thee pardon for so was that now Sav. Faith now I 'm quit I finde my self the nimbler To serve you so again and my will 's good Like one that lately shook off his old Irons And cuts a purse at Bench to deserve new ones Sir Ol. Since it holds all the way so fortunate still And strikes so even with my first belief This is the Gentleman wife yong Mr Sandfield here A man of worthy parts beside his Lands Whom I make choice of for my daughters Bed Sav. But he 'll make choice there of another Bed-fellow Moth I wish 'em both the happiness of love Sir Sir Ol. 'T was spoke like a good Lady And your memory can reach it wife but 't is so long ago too Old Mr Sunset he had a yong daughter When you unluckily left England