Indulgences the taking away the Cup in the Eucharist and Transubstantiation but that Marguerite the Wife of K. Henry d' Albret and Sister to Francis the first own'd her self to be one of the new Opinion and as powerfully defended its Professors as she could Any one may see by the two Chapters of Gargantua's Education by Ponocrates that the Author treats of a Protestant Prince and of Gargantua's being brought to a reform'd state of Life for he says that when Ponocrates knew Gargantua 's vicious manner of living he resolv'd to bring him up in a much different way and requested a learned Physitian of that Time call'd Master Theodorus seriously to perpend how to bring him to a better course he says that the said Physitian purg'd him canonically with Anticyrian Hellebore by which Medicine he clear'd all that foulness and perverse habit of his Brain and by this means Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learn'd under his ancient Preceptors Theodorus is a very proper Name for a Divine signifying Gift of God from 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and that great Master of Thought Father Malebranche gives it to the Divine who is one of the Interlocutors in the admirable Metaphysical Dialogues which he calls Conversations Chrestiennes so that as Rabelais tells us Theodorus was a Physitian for the mind that is one of the new Preachers and perhaps Berthaud that of Queen Marguerite By the Anticyrian Hellebore with which he purged Gargantua's Brain may be meant powerful Arguments drawn from Reason and the Scripture oppos'd to the Authority of the Popish Church after this Purge we find Gargantua awak'd at four in the Morning and while they were rubbing him some Chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly with a Pronunciation fit for the matter read to him and according to the purpose and argument of that Lesson oftentimes giving himself to Worship Adore Pray and send up his Supplications to that good God whose Word did shew his Majesty and marvellous Iudgment That Chapter and the next are admirable as well as many more nor can we ever have a more perfect Idea of the Education of a Prince than is that of his Gargantua whom he represents all along as a Man of great Honour Sense Courage and Piety whereas under his other Masters in the Chapters before we find him idle and playing at all sorts of Games Nothing can better demonstrate the great Genius and Prudence of our Author who could submit to get together so many odd Names of trifling things to keep himself out of Danger and grace the Counterpart which is so judicious and so grave he had told us first that Gargantua under his former Pedagogues after a good Breakfast went to Church a huge greasie Breviary being carryed before him in a great Basket that there he heard 26 or 30 Masses that this while came his Martin Mumbler Chaplain muffled about the Chin that is with his Cow round as a Hoop and his Breath pretty well antidoted with the Vine-Tree-Syrop that with him he mumbled all his Kyriels and as he went from the Church santring along through the Cloysters ridled more of St. Claude's Patinotres then sixteen Hermits could have done So that there we find him a Papist and in the following Chapter as I have said a Protestant Without doubt the Sophisters under whom Gargantua did not improve were some noted Men in his Age I have not yet discovered who they were As for Don Philip of Marais Viceroy of Papeligosse who advises Grangousier to put his Son under another Discipline he may perhaps be Philip Son to the Marschall of Navarre the Title of Don being taken by the Navarrois and Marais seems Marechall Gargantua is sent with Ponocrates to Paris by his Father that they might know says he what was the study of the young Men in France this shows that Gangousier was not King of it and that Gargantua was a Stranger there Many who take him to be Francis the First think that his huge great Mare is Madam d'Estampes that King's Mistress and explain that Mare 's skirmishing with her Tail whereby she overthrew all the Wood in the Country of Beauce by a Gift which they say he made her of some of its Forests They say also That the King was desirous to buy her a Necklace of Pearls and that partly on that account he would have got some Money of the Citizens of Paris but they being unwilling to comply with his demand the King and his Mistress threatned to sell the Bells of our Lady's Church the Cathedral to buy his Lady a Necklace And that this has given occasion to say That Gargantua design'd to hang those Bells at his Mare 's Neck Though as I have said Gargantua be not Francis the First I might believe that Rabelais had a mind to make us merry with the recital of such an Adventure were it not certain that the said King has read his Book and would hardly have liked such a Passage had he been himself an Actor there but besides History relates nothing of this Nature of him nor has the Story of the Bells the resemblance of Truth As for the blow with the Mare 's Tail it might as well belong to Henry d' Albret who has not been without a Mistress Had I been able to get some certain Books and had the Bookseller not been impatient by reason of the Term I would have done my Endeavours to unriddle that Enigma but having hardly a Fortnights time to make my Observations and finish the Author's Life and this Preface I must put off that Inquiry till some other Opportunity and then what further Discoveries I may make may be published with those on the fourth and fifth Books which contain Pantagruel's Voyage to the holy Bottle as beautiful at least as these three I will however offer here a Conjecture on that story of the Bells we find in the 17 18 and 19th Chapters of the first Book that Master Ianotus de Bragmardo a Sophister is sent to Gargantua to recover the Bells and makes a wretched Speech to him about it I am sensible that 't was partly his Design to ridicule the Universities which at that time deserv'd no better in France But in particular I believe that he aim'd at Cenalis a Doctor of Sorbonne and afterwards Bishop of Auranches for I find that this Prelate had writ a Treatise wonderfully pleasant concerning the Signs whereby the true Church may be distinguish'd from the false in it he waves the preaching of the Gospel and Administration of the Sacraments and pretends to prove that Bells are the signs which essentially distinguish the Church of Rome from the Reform'd who at that time had none and us'd to assemble privately at the letting off of a Musquet in the High Street which was a sign by which they knew that it was time to meet to perform Divine Service Cenalis on this triumphs as if he had gain'd his Point
youth of this Age. But all the countenance that Gargantua kept was that he fell to crying like a Cow and cast down his Face hiding it with his Cap nor could they possibly draw one word from him no more than a Fart from a dead Ass. Whereat his Father vvas so grievously vexed that he vvould have killed Master Iobelin but the said Don Philip vvith-held him from it by fair persuasions so that at length he pacifyed his Wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be payed his Wages that they should wittle him up soundly Sophister-like and then give him to all the Devils in Hell At least said he to day shall it not cost him much to his Host if by chance he should dye as drunk as an Englishman Master Iobelin being gone out of the house Grangousier consulted vvith the Viceroy vvhat Schooâ—-master they should choose for him and it vvas betwixt them resolv'd that Ponocrates the Tutor of Eudemon should have the charge and that they should go altogether to Paris to know what vvas the study of the young Men of France at that time CHAP. XVI How Gargantua was sent to Paris and of the huge great Mare that he rode on How she destroyed the Oxe-flies of the Beauce IN the same season Fayoles the fourth King of Numidia sent out of the Country of Africk to Grangousier the most hideously great Mare that ever vvas seen and of the strangest Form for you know vvell enough how it is said that Africk always is productive of some new thing She was as big as six Elephants and had her feet cloven into toes like Iulius Caesars horse with slouch-hanging ears like the goats in Languedoc and a little horn on her buttock she was of a burnt sorel hue with a little mixture of daple gray spots but above all she had a horrible tail for it was little more or less then every whit as great as the Steeple of St. Mark besides Langes and squared as that is with tuffs and hair plaits wrought within one another no otherwise then as the beards are upon the ears of corn If you wonder at this wonder rather at the Tails of the Scythian Rams which weighed above thirty pounds each and of the Suâ—ian Sheep who need if â—enaud say true a little cart at their heels to bear up their Tail it is so long and heavy You Country wenches have no such Tails And she was brought by Sea in three Carricks and a Brigantine unto the Harbour of Olone in Thalmondois When Grangousier saw her Here is said he vvhat is fit to carry my Son to Paris So now in the name of God all vvill be vvell he vvill one day be a great Scholar vvere it not for Dunces vve should all be Doctors The next Morning after they had drunk you must understand they took their Journey Gargantua his Pedagogue Ponoorates and their Equipage and with them Eudemon the young Page and because the weather was fair and temperate his Father caused to be made him a pair of dun boots Babin calls them buskins Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high-way always making good chear and and were very pleasant till they came a little above Orleans in which place there was a forrest of five and thirty leagues long and seventeen in breadth or thereabouts This Forrest was most horribly fertile and copious in Dorflies Hornets and Wasps so that it was a very Purgatory for the poor Mares Asses and Horses But Gargantua's Mare did avenge her self handsomly of all the out-rages therein committed upon Beasts of her quality and that by a trick whereof they had no suspicion For as soon as ever they were entred into the said Forrest and that the Wasps had given the assault she drew out her tail and therewith skirmishing did so sweep them that she overthrew all the Wood alongst and athwart here and there this way and that way longwise and sidewise over and under and felled every where the wood with as much ease as a mower doth the grass in such sort that never since hath there been there neither Wood nor Waspâ— For all the Countrey vvas hâ—â—â—by reduced to a plain champian-Field Which Gargantua took great pleasure to behold and said to his company no more but this Ie trove beauce I find this pretty whereupon that countrey hath been ever since that time called Beauce But all the breakfast the Mare got that day was but a little yawning and gaping in memory whereof the Gentlemen of Beauce do as yet to this day break their fast with gaping which they find to be very good and do spit the better for it At last they came to Paris where Gargantua refresh't himself two or three days making very merry with his folks and enquiring what Men of learning there were then in the City and what wine they drunk there CHAP. XVII How Gargantua payed his Beverage to the Parisians and how he took away the great Bells of our Lady's Church SOme few days after that they had refresht themselves he went to see the City and was beheld of every Body there with great Admiration For the People of Paris are such Fools such Puppies and Naturals that a Jugler a Carrier of Indulgences a Sumpter-horse a Mule with his Bells a Blind Fidler in the middle of a cross Lane shall draw a greater confluence of People together than an Evangelical Preacher And they prest so hard upon him that he vvas constrained to rest himself upon the Steeple of our Lady's Church at which place seeing so many about him he said with a loud Voice I believe that these Buzzards will have me to pay them here my Welcom hither and my Beverage It is but good reason I will now give them their Wine but it shall be only a Par ris that is in Sport Then smiling he untied his goodly Codpiece and lugging out his Roger into the open Air he so bitterly all to bepist them that he drowned Two hundred and sixty thousand four hundred and eighteen besides the Women and little Children Some nevertheless of the Company escaped this Piss-flood by meer speed of Foot who when they were at the higher end of the University sweating coughing spitting and out of breath they began to swear and curse some in good hot earnest and others Par ris Carimari Carimara Golynoly Golynolo Ods-Bodikins we are washed Par ris from whence that City hath been ever since called Paris whose name formerly was Leucotia as Strabo testifieth lib. quarto which in Greek is Whiteness because of the white Thighs of the Ladies of that place And forasmuch as at this imposition of a new name all the People that were there swore every one by the Sancts of his Parish the Parisians which are patch'd up of all Nations and all manner of Men are by Nature good at Swearing and not a little domineering whereupon Ioanninus de Barrauco libro de copiositate reverentâ—arum thinks that they are
who had that day met with a Mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the Morning Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's Leg some fair great red and medicinal Grapes and so handsomly drest it and bound it up that he was quickly cured CHAP. XXVI How the Inhabitants of Lerne by the commandment of Picrochole their King assaulted the Shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden THE Cake-bakers being returned to Lerne went presently before they did either eat or drink to the Capitol and there before their King called Pichrochole the third of that name made their complaint shewing their Paniers broken their Caps all crumpled their Coats torn their Cakes taken away but above all Marquet most enormously wounded saying that all that mischief was done by the Shepherds and Herdsmen of Grangousier near the broad high way beyond Sevile Picrochole incontinent grew angry and furious and without asking any further what how why or wherefore commanded the Ban and Arrier Ban to be sounded throughout all his Country that all his Vassals of what condition soever should upon pain of the halter come in the best arms they could unto the great place before the Castle at the hour of Noon and the better to expedite his design he caused the Drum to be beat about the Town Whilst his dinner was making ready he went himself to see his Artillery mounted upon the Carriage to display his Colours and set up the great royal Standard and loaded Wains with store of Ammunition both for the Field and for the Belly Arms and Victuals At dinner he dispatch'd his Commissions and by his express Edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the Vanguard wherein were numbred Sixteen thousand and fourteen Harquebusiers together with Thirty thousand eleven Volunteers The great Tonquedillion Master of the Horse had the charge of the Ordnance wherein were reckon'd Nine hundred and fourteen of Brass in Cannons Double-cannons Basilisks Serpentines Culverins Bombards Falcons Passevolans Spiroles and other sort of great Guns The Reerguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood In the main Battle was the King and the Princes of his Kingdom Thus being hastily equipp'd before they would set forward they sent Three hundred light Horsemen under the Conduct of Captain Swillwind to discover the Country clear the Avenues and see whether there was any ambush laid for them But after they had made diligent search they found all the Land round about in Peace and Quiet without any meeting or convention at all which Picrochole understanding commanded that every one should march speedily under his Colours Then in all disorder without keeping either rank or file they took the Fields one amongst another wasting spoiling destroying and making havock of all where ever they went not sparing poor nor rich privileged nor unprivileged Places Church or Laity drove away Oxen and Cows Bulls Calves Heifers Wethers Ewes Lambs Goats Kids Hens Capons Chickens Geese Ganders Goslings Hogs Swine Pigs and such like Beating down the Walnuts plucking the Grapes tearing the Hedges shaking the Fruit-trees and committing such incomparable abuses that the like abomination was never heard of Nevertheless they met with none to resist them for every one submitted to their mercy beseeching them that they might be dealt with courteously in regard that they had always carried themselves as became good and loving Neighbours and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them to be thus suddenly surprized troubled and disquieted and that if they would not desist God would punish them very shortly To which Expostulations Remonstrances no other answer was made but that they would teach them to eat Cakes CHAP. XXVII How a Monk of Sevile saved the Closs of the Abbey from being Ravag'd by the Enemy SO much they did and so far they went pillaging and stealing that at last they came to Sevile where they robbing both Men and Women and took all they could catch Nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them Although the Plague was there in the most part of all the Houses they nevertheless entred every where then plundered and carried away all that was within and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt which is a most wonderful case For the Curates Vicars Preachers Physicians Chirurgions and Apothecaries who went to visit to dress to cure to heal to preach unto and admonish those that were sick were all dead of the Infection and these devillish Robbers and Murtherers caught never any harm at all Whence comes this to pass my Masters I beseech you think upon it The Town being thus pillaged they went unto the Abbey with a horrible noise and tumult but they found it shut and made fast against them Whereupon the Body of the Army marched forward towards a Ford called the Sue de vede except seven Companies of Foot and Two hundred Lanciers who staying there broke down the Walls of the Closs to waste spoil and make havock of all the Vines and Vintage within that place The Monks poor Devils knew not in that extremity to which of all their Sancts they should vow themselves nevertheless at all adventures they rang the Bells ad capitulum capitulantes There it was decreed that they should make a fair Procession stuffed with good Lectures Prayers and Litanies contra hostium insidias and jolly Responses pro pace There was then in the Abbey a claustral Monk called Freer Iohn de Entoumeures young gallant frisk lusty nimble quick active bold adventurous resolute tall lean wide-mouthed long nosed a rare mumbler of Mattins unbridler of Masses and runner over of Vigils And to conclude summarily in a word a right Monk if ever there were any since the Monking World monked a Monkery For the rest a Clerk even to the Teeth in matter of Breviary This Monk hearing the noise that the Enemy made within the inclosure of the Vineyard went out to see what they were doing and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the Grapes whereon was grounded the foundation of all their next Years Wine returned unto the Quire of the Church where the other Monks were all amazed and astonished like so many Bell-melters whom when he heard sing im nim pe ne ne ne ne nede tum ne num num ini i mi co o no o o neno ne no no no rum nenum num This is said he Bien chié chanté Well shit well sung by the Vertue of God why do not you sing Paniers farewel Vintage is done the Devil snatch me if they be not already within the middle of our Closs and cut so well both Vines and Grapes that by cods body there will not be found for these four Years to come so much as a gleaning in it By the Belly of Sanct Iames what shall we poor Devils drink the while Lord God! da mihi potum Then said the Prior of the Convent What should this drunken Fellow
unto the said Pilgrims keeping them there with him under the Hedge and also Touchefaucet who was then his Prisoner CHAP. XLV How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims and of the good words that Grangousier gave them THIS Skirmish being ended Gargantua retreated with his Men excepting the Monk and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier who in his Bed was praying unto God for their Safety and Victory And seeing them all safe and sound he embraced them lovingly and asked what was become of the Monk Gargantua answered him that without doubt the Enemies had the Monk Then have they mischief and ill luck said Grangousier which was very true Therefore is it a common Proverb to this day To give a Man the Monk Then commanded he a good Breakfast to be provided for their refreshment When all was ready they called Gargantua but he was so aggrieved that the Monk was not to be heard of that he would neither eat nor drink In the mean while the Monk comes and from the Gate of the outer Court cries out aloud Fresh Wine fresh Wine Gymnast my Friend Gymnast went out and saw that it was Frier Ihon who brought along with him five Pilgrims and Touchefaucet Prisoners Whereupon Gargantua likewise went forth to meet him and all of them made him the best welcom that possibly they could and brought him before Grangousier who asked him of all his adventures The Monk told him all both how he was taken how he rid himself of his Keepers of the slaughter he had made by the way and how he had rescued the Pilgrims and brought along with him Captain Touchefaucet Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily In the mean time Grangousier asked the Pilgrims what Countrymen they were whence they came and whither they went Sweertogo in the name of the rest answered My Sovereign Lord I am of Saint Genou in Berry this Man is of Patvau this other is of Onzay this of Argy and this Man of Villebrenin We came from Saint Sebastian near Nantes and are now returning as we best may by easie Journeys Yea but said Grangousier what went you to do at St. Sebastian We went said Sweertogo to offer up unto that Sanct our Vows against the Plague Ah poor Men said Grangousier do you think that the Plague comes from St. Sebastian Yes truly answered Sweertogo our Preachers tell us so indeed But is it so said Grangousier Do the false Prophets teach you such abuses Do they thus blaspheme the Sancts and Holy Men of God as to make them like unto the Devils who do nothing but hurt unto Mankind as Homer writeth that the Plague was sent into the Camp of the Greeks by Apollo and as the Poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous Gods So did a certain old Hypocrite Preach at Sinay that Saint Antony sent the fire into Mens Legs that Saint Eutropius made Men hydropic St. Clidaâ— Fools and that St. Genou made them goutish But I punished him so exemplarily though he called me Heretic for it that since that time no such Hypocritical Rogue durst set his Foot within my Territories And truly I wonder that your King should suffer them in their Sermons to publish such scandalous Doctrin in his Dominions For they deserve to be chastised with greater severity then those who by Magical Art or any other Device have brought the Pestilence into a Country the Pest killeth but the Bodies but such abominable Impostors empoison our very Souls As he spake these words in came the Monk very resolute and asked them whence are you you poor Wretches of St. Genou said they And how said the Monk doth the Abbot Gullicut that true toaper and the Monks what cheer make they Morbleau they 'll have a fling at your Wives whilst you are upon your gadding Pilgrimage Hin hen said Sweertogo I am not afraid of mine for he that shall see her by day will never break his Neck to come to her in the night-time Yea marry said the Monk now you have hit it let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina she will not keep her Arse dry if there dwell any Monks near her For a good Carpenter will make use of any kind of Timber Let me be pepper'd with the Pox if you find not all your Wives with Child at your return For the very shadow of an Abbey-steeple is prolific It is said Gargantua like the Water of Nilus in Egypt if you believe Strabo and Pliny lib. 7. cap 3. What Vertue will there be then in their Bullets of Concupiscence their Habits and their Bodies Then said Grangousier go your ways poor Men in the Name of God the Creator to whom I pray to guide you perpetually and henceforward be not so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable Journeys Look to your Families labour every Man in his vocation instruct your Children and live as the good Apostle St. Paul directeth you In doing whereof God his Angels and Sancts will guard and protect you and no Evil or Plague at any time shall befal you Then Gargantua led them into the Hall to take their Refection but the Pilgrims did nothing but sigh and said to Gargantua O how happy is that Land which hath such a Man for their Lord We have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he hath had with us then by all the Sermons that ever were preached in our Town This is said Gargantua that which Plato saith lib. 5. de Republ. That those Commonwealths are happy whose Rulers Philosophize and whose Philosophers Rule Then caused he their Wallets to to be filled with Victuals and their Bottles with Wine and gave unto each of them a Horse to ease them upon the way together with some Pence to live upon CHAP. XLVI How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchefaucet his Prisoner TOuchefaucet was presented unto Grangousier and by him examined upon the enterprise and attempt of Picrochole what it was he could pretend to by this tumultuary invasion whereunto he answered that his end and purpose was to conquer all the Country if he could for the injury done to his Cake bakers It is too great an undertaking said Grangousier and as the Proverb is He that gripes too much holds fast but little the time is not now so to conquer Kingdoms to the loss of our nearest Christian brother this imitation of the ancient Herculeses Alexanders Hannibals Scipios Caesars and other such Heroes is quite contrary to the Profession of the Gospel of Christ by the which we are commanded to preserve keep rule and govern every Man his own Country and Lands and not in a hostile manner to Invade others and that which heretofore the Saracens and Barbarians called Prowess we do now call Robbery and Wickedness It would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within the bounds of his own territories royally geverning them then to insult and domineer in mine pillaging
short in France A Little while after Pantagruel heard News that his Father Gargantua had been translated into the Land of the Fairies by Morgue as heretofore were Oger and Arthur and that the Report of his Translation being spread abroad the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their Borders with Inrodes had wasted a great part of Vtopia and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amaurots Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any Man farewel for the Business required Diligence he came to Rowen Now Pantagruel in his Journey seeing that the Leagues of that little Territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of other Countries demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge who told him a Story which Marotus du Lac Monachus set down in the Acts of the Kings of Canarre saying that in old times Countries were not distinguished into Leagues Miles Furlongs nor Parasanges until that King Pharamond divided them which was done in manner as followeth The said King chose at Paris a hundred fair gallant lusty brisk young Men all resolute and bold Adventurers in Cupid's Duels together with a hundred comely pretty handsome lovely and well complexioned Wenches of Picardy all which he caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days then having called for them he delivered to every one of the young Men his Wench with store of Money to defray their Charges and this Injunction besides to go unto divers Places here and there And wheresoever they should biâ—cot and thrum their Wenches that they setting a Stone there it should be accounted for a League Thus went away those brave Fellows and sprightly Blades most merrily and because they were fresh and had been at rest they were jumming and tumbling almost at every Field's end and this is the Cause why the Leagues about Paris are so short But when they had gone a great way and were now as weary as poor Devils all the Oil in their Lamps being almost spent they did not chink and dufle so often but contented themselves I mean for the Mens part with one scurvy paultry Bout in a day And this is that which makes the Leagues in Britany Delanes Germany and other more remote Countries so long Other Men give other Reasons for it but this seems to me of all other the best To which Pantagruel willingly adhered Parting from Rowen they arrived at Honfleur and there took shipping Pantagruel Panurge Epistemon Eusthenes and Carpalim In which Place waiting for a favourable Wind and caulking their Ship he received from a Lady of Paris that had formerly been kept by him a long time a Letter directed on the out-side thus To the best Beloved of the Fayr And the least Loyal of the Brave PNTGRL CHAP. XXIV A Letter which a Messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris together with the Exposition of a Posy written in a Gold-Ring WHen Pantagruel had read the Superscription he was much amazed and therefore demanded of the said Messenger the Name of her that had sent it Then opened he the Letter and found nothing written in it nor otherways inclosed but only a Gold Ring with a square Table-Diamond Wondering at this he called Panurge to him and shewed him the case whereupon Panurge told him that the Leaf of Paper was written upon but with such Cunning and Artifice that no Man could see the Writing at the first sight therefore to find it out he set it by the Fire to see if it was made with Sal Almoniack soaked in Water then put he it into the Water to see if the Letter was written with the Juice of Tithymalle After that he held it up against the Candle to see if it was written with the Juice of white Onions Then he rubbed one part of it with Oil of Nuts to see if it were not written with the Lee of a Fig-tree and another part of it with the Milk of a Woman giving Suck to her eldest Daughter to see if it was written with the Blood of red Toads or green Earth-frogs Afterwards he rubbed one Corner with the Ashes of a Swallow's Nest to see if it were not written with the Dew that is found within the Herb Alcakengy called the Winter-cherry He rubbed after that one end with Ear-wax to see if it were not written with the Gall of a Raven Then did he dip it into Vineger to try if it was not written with the Juice of the Garden Spurge After that he greased it with the Fat of a Bat or Flittermouse to see if it was not written with the Sperm of a Whale which some call Ambergris Then put it very fairly into a Basin full of fresh Water and forthwith took it out to see whether it were written with Stone-allum But after all Experiments when he perceived that he could find out nothing he called the Messenger and asked him Good Fellow the Lady that sent thee hither did she not give thee a Staff to bring with thee thinking that it had been according to the Conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention and the Messenger answered him No Sir Then Panurge would have caused his Head to be shaven to see whether the Lady had written upon his bald Pate with the hard Lee whereof Sope is made that which she meant but perceiving that his Hair was very long he forbore considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time Then he said to Pantagruel Master by the Virtue of G I cannot tell what to do nor say in it For to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no I have made use of a good part of that which Master Francisco di Nianto the Tuscan sets down who hath written the Manner of reading Letters that do not appear That which Zoroastes published Peri grammaton acriton And Calphurnius Bassus de literis illigibilibus But I can see nothing nor do I believe that there is any thing else in it than the Ring Let us therefore look upon it which when they had done they found this in Hebrew written within Lamach sabathani whereupon they called Epistemon and asked him what that meant to which he answered that they were Hebrew Words signifying Wherefore hast thou forsaken me Upon that Panurge suddenly replied I know the Mystery do you see this Diamond it is a false one This then is the Exposition of that which the Lady means Diamant faux that is false Lover why hast thou forsaken me Which Interpretation Pantagruel presently understood and withal remembering that at his Departure he had not bid the Lady farewel he was very sorry and would fain have returned to Paris to make his Peace with her But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's Departure from Dido and the Saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum That the Ship being at anchor when need requireth we must cut the Cable rather than lose time about untying of it
of his time the late Monsieur Patru of the French Academy they had a Key to a part of that incomparable pastoral which he says he had from its Author And none that have known Patru or read his Works or Boileau's will have any reason to doubt of what he says He tells us that the Author of Astrea to make his Truths more agreeable has interwove them with mere fictions which yet are generally only the Veils that hide some Truths which might otherwise not so properly appear in such â— Work sometimes he gives as a part of the chief Intreague of a Person such Actions as that Person transacted at another time or on another occasion and on the other side he sometimes divides one History so that under different Names still he means but one Person thus Diana and Astrea Celadon and Silvander are the same We ought not to forget that Barclay in his Argenis which is the history of France in Henry the IV. 's time does the same Polyarchus and Archombrotus being but one As in Astrea when two Lovers marry the Author only means that they love each other so when in ours Panurge desires to marry and consults about it we may suppose him already married and affraid of being prosecuted about it And if our Author has changed the Places and Order of Times and set before what should go after and that last which should have been first 't is no more than what the judicious Patru allows to his as a thing says he that it always used in all those sorts of Works and thus he makes that last but six Months which held out fifteen Years and with him Chartres in France and Malta are but one Rabelais who had more reason to write mystically than any may then be allowed equal Freedom in his Allegories and without fixing only the Character of Picrochole on Charles the V we may believe that it refers as well to his Predecessor 〈◊〉 King of Arragon and of Casâ—ile my Queen Isabella his Wife that deprived Iohn d' Albret of his kingdom of Navarre for that Spaniard was as bitter an Enemy as cunning and at least as faâ—al to the house of Navarre as his Successor Iohn d' Albret was an open hearted magnificent generous Prince but easie and â—elying wholly on hiâ— Ministers being given to his Pleasures which often consisted in going privately to eat and drink with his Subjects and inviting himself to their Houses howe-ever he lov'd Books and was a great lover of Heraldâ—y nicely observing the Pedigrees Coats and Badges of Honour of Families which perhaps makes Rabelais open his Scene with refering us to the great Pantagruelian Chronicle by which he begins his second Book for the knowledge of that Genealogy and Antiquity of Race by which Gargantua is descended to us how the Giants were born in this World and how from them by a direct Line issued Gargantua then he bids us not take it ill if he for the present passes it by though the Subject be such that the oftner it were remembred the more it will please your Worships by which he exposes that Prince's and some Gentlemen's continual Application to a vain Search into the dark and fabulous Times for Pedigrees as Rabelais says from the Gyants for many would be deriv'd from something greater than Man Then he makes his Kingâ— Gyants because they are so in Power and sometimes what serves the whole Court and attendants is by him applyed wholly to the King as Eating Cloathing Strength And then by that he ridicules the Romances of those days where Giants are always brought in as well as Magicians Witches single Men routing whole Armies and a thousand other such fabulous Stories He has also ridicul'd the variety of doubtful though ancient Originals in the odd discovery of the Manuscript and in the 9. Chap. the distinction of Colours and Liveries which took up that Prince's time due to higher Imployments as worthily as the rest of Heraldry There he tells us that Gargantua's Colours or Liveries were white and blew by which his Father would give to understand that his Son was to him a Heavenly Ioy. Thence with as much Fancy as Judgment he takes an Opportunity to laugh at the lame and punning Devises or Impreses of those Days in which however Paul Iove had already given Rules to make better yet after all I believe that by Gargantua's Colours Rabelais also alludes to K. Henry d' Albret and Marguerite his Queen who were sincerely for a Reformation so the White may signifie Innocence Candor and Sincerity and the Blew Piety or Heavenly Love Perhaps also as Godefroy d Estissac Bishop of Maillezais in his Coat gave paled Argent and Azur of six Pieces he had a mind to celebrate the colours of his Patron The account of Gargantua's youthful Age Chap. 11. agrees very well with that which Historians give us of the way of bringing up Henry IV. of France by his Grand-father Henry d' Albret who is the same with Gargantua That great Monarch was in his tender age inur'd by that old Prince to all sorts of Hardships for he caus'd him to be kept in the Country where he order'd they should let him run among the poor Country Boys which the young Prince did sometimes without Shoos or Hat being fed with the coursest fare so that having by those means contracted a good habit of Body he was afterwards so hardned to Fatigues so Vigilant and active and so easily pleased with the most homely Dier that it did not a little contribute to the advantage which he had over the League whose Chief the Duke de Mayenne was of a Disposition altogether different Now 't is very probable that Henry d' Albert was himself brought up much after the manner which he chose for his Grand-son for we read that he was not only an ingenious and understanding Prince generous and liberal even to Magnificence but also very warlike and hardy The Education of Gargantua by the Sophisters is a Satyr on those Men and the tedious Methods of the Schools shewing the little improvement that was made in Henry d' Albret's Studies as long as he was under Popish Governors and the ill Life that the young Gentlemen of the Roman Church led as on the contrary the benefit of having good Tutors and the difference between the Romans and the Protestants carefully and piously educated at the Dawn of the Reformation for there is no doubt that tho Henry d' Albret did not dare to profess it the People in Navarre being all Papists and there being obstacles enough to the recovery of that Kingdom lost by his Father without raising more yet he heartily hated the Popish Principles and the King of Arragon and Castille who merely on the pretence of Iohn d' Albret's alliance with Lewis XII at the time of his Excommunication had seiz'd his Country and held it by the Pope's Gift so we find that the Reformers no sooner preach'd against Bulls and
and runs on in a long Antithesis to prove that Bells are the signs of the true Church and Guns the mark of the bad all Bells says he sound but all Guns thunder all Bells have a melodious Sound all Guns make a dreadful Noise Bells open Heaven Guns open Hell Bells drive away Clouds and Thunder Guns raise Clouds and mock the Thunder He has a great deal more such Stuff to prove that the Church of Rome is the true Church because forsooth it has Bells which the other had not The taking away the Bells of a Place implys its Conquest and even Towns that have Articled are oblig'd to redeem their Bells perhaps the taking away the great Bells at Paris was the taking away the Privileges of its University or some other for Paris may only be nam'd for a Blind Thus the Master Beggar of the Fryars of St. Anthony coming for some Hog's Purtenance St. Anthony's Hog is always pictur'd with a Bell at its Neck who to be heard afar off and to make the Beacon shake in the very Chimneys had a mind to filch and carry those Bells away privily but was hindered by their weight that Master Beggar I say must be the head of some Monks perhaps of that Order in the Fauxbourg St. Antoine who would have been substituted to those that had been deprived and the Petition of Master Ianotus is the pardon which the University begs perhaps for some affront resented by the Prince for those that escap'd the Flood cry'd we are wash'd Par ris that is for having laugh'd Rabelais en passant there severely inveighs against the grumblers and factious Spirits at Paris Which makes me think that whether the Scene lies there or elsewhere as in Gascoigny some people of which Country were Henry d' Albret's Subjects still this was a remarkable Event In the Prologue to the fourth Book Iupiter busied about the Affairs of Mankind crys Here are the Gascons Cursing Damning and Renouncing demanding the re-establishment of their Bells I suppose that more is meant than Bells or he would not have us'd the word Re-establishment But 't is time to speak of the great strife and debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerné and those of Gargantua 's Country whereupon were wag'd great Wars We may easily apply many things concerning these Wars to those of Navarre between the House of d'Albret and King Ferdinand and Charles the fifth Thus Les Truans or as this Translation renders it the Inhabitants of Lerné who by the command of Picrochole their King invaded and plunder'd Vtopia Gargantua's Country are the Spanish Soldiers and Lerné is Spain The word Truand in old French signifies an idle lazy Fellow which hits pretty well the Spaniards Character the Author having made choice of that name of a place near Chinon because it alludes to the Lake Lerna where Hercules destroyed the Lernaean Hydra which did so much hurt in the Country of Argos that thence came the Proverb 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Malorum Lerna Thus Spain was a Lerna of Ills to all Europe while like France now it aspir'd to universal Monarchy but it was so more particularly to Navarre in Iuly 1512 when King Iohn d' Albret and Queen Catharine de Foix the lawful Sovereign were dispossess'd by Ferdinand King of Arragon almost without any resistance The said King Iohn desirous of Peace sent Don Alphonso Carillo Constable of Navarre in the quality of his Embassador to Ferdinand to prevent the approaching mischief but he was so ill receiv'd says the History of Navarre Dedicated to King Henry IV. and printed with his Privilege that he was glad to return to his King with speed and related to him that there was no hope left to persuade the King of Arragon to a Peace and that Lewis de Beaumont Earl of Lerins who had forsaken Navarre daily incourag'd Ferdinand to attack that Kingdom So that this Embassie resembles much that of Vlric Gallet to Picrochole who swears by St. Iames the Saint of the Spaniards In November 1512. Francis Duke of Angoulesme afterwards King was sent with King Iohn d' Albret by Lewis XII to recover Navarre having with him several of the greatest Lords in France and a great Army which possess'd it self of many Places but the rigour of the Season oblig'd them to raise the Siege of Pampelune And in 1521. another Army under the Command of Andrew de Foix Lord of Asperault enter'd Navarre and wholly regain'd it but it was lost again soon after by the imprudence of that General and the Avarice of St. Colombe one of his chief Officers Those that will narrowly examin History will find that many particulars of the Wars in the first Book of Rabelais may be reconcil'd to those of Navarre but I believe that he means something more than a Description of the Fights among the Soldiers by the debate rais'd betwixt the Cake-sellers or Fouassiers of Lerné and the Shepherds of Gargantua Those Shepherds or Pastors should be the Lutheran and Calvinist Ministers whom Iohn and Henry d' Albert favour'd being the more dispos'd to adhere to the reviving Gospel which they preach'd by the provoking Remembrance of the Pope's and King of Spain's injurious usage and for that Reason Queen Margarite did not only profess the Protestant Religion but after the Death of Henry d' Albert Queen Iane their Daughter Married to Anthony de Bourbon was a Zealous Defender of it till she dy'd and her Son Henry afterwards rais'd to the Throne of France publickly own'd himself a Protestant till his impatient desire of being peaceably seated on it made him leave the better Party to pacifie the worse The Cake sellers of Lerné are the Priests and other Ecclesiastics of Spain as also all the Missificators of the Church of Rome Rabelais calls them Cake-mongers or Fouassiers by reason of the Host or Sacramental Wafer which is made of Dough between a pair of Irons like the Cakes or Fouasses in Poitou where Rabelais liv'd and is said to be transubstantiated into the Corpus-Christi when consecrated by the Priest The Subject of the Debate as Rabelais terms it between those Cake-sellers and the Shepherds is the first 's refusal to supply the latter with Cakes to eat with the Grapes which they watch'd For as Rabelais observes 'T is a Celestial Food to eat for Break-fast fresh Cakes with Grapes by which he alludes to the way of receiving the Communion among the Protestants who generally take that Celestial Food fasting and always with the juice of the Grape that is with Wine according to the Evangelical Institution Now the Cake-mongers or Popish Priests would not consent to give Cakes that is to say Bread but would only give the accidents of the Cakes or to speak in their own Phrase the accidents of the Bread and it is well known that this was the chief occasion of our separation from the Church of Rome Upon the reasonable request of the Shepherds the Cake-sellers instead of granting
miez miez but with a high sturdy and big voice shouted aloud Some drink some drink some drink as inviting all the World to drink with him the noise hereof was so extreamly great that it was heard in both the Countries at once of Beauce and Bibarois I doubt me that you do not throughly believe the truth of this strange Nativity though you believe it not I care not much But an honest Man and of good judgment believeth still what is told him and that which he finds written Is this beyond our Law or our Faith against Reason or the Holy Scripture For my part I fiâ—d nothing in the Sacred Bible that is against it but tell me if it had been the Will of God would you say that he could not do it Grammercy I beseech you never Dum-found or Embarrass your Heads with these idle Conceits For I tell you it is not impossible with God and if he pleased all Women henceforth should bring forth their Children at the Ear Was not Bacchus engendred out of the very Thigh of Iupiter Did not Râ—quetaillade come out at his Mothers heel and Crocmoush from the slipper of his Nurse Was not Minerva born of the Brain even through the Ear of Iove Adonis of the Baâ—k of a Myrrh-tree and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that Egge which was laid and hatched by Leda But you would wonder more and with far greater amazement if I should now present you with that Chapter of Plinius wherein he treateth of strange Births and contrary to nature and yet am not I so impudent a Lyar as he was Read the seventh Book of his Natural History chap. 4. and trouble not my head any more about this CHAP. VII After what manner Gargantua had his Name given him and how he tippled bibbed and curried the Can. THE good Man Grangousier drinking and making merry with the rest heard the horrible noise which his Son had made as he entered into the Light of this World when he cried out Some drink some drink some drink whereupon he said in French Que grand tuas souple le gousier that is to say How great and nimble a throat thou hast which the Company hearing said that verily the Child ought to be called Gargantua because it was the first word that after his birth his Father had spoke in imitation and at the Example of the ancient Hebrews whereunto he condescended and his Mother was very well pleased therewith in the mean while to quiet the Child they gave him to drink a tirelarigot that is till his throat was like to crack with it then was he carried to the Font and there baptized according to the manner of good Christians Immediately thereafter were appointed for him Seventeen thousand nine hundred and thirteen Cows of the Towns of Pautille and Breemond to furnish him with milk in ordinary for it was impossible to find a Nurse sufficient for him in all the Country considering the great quantity of milk that was requisite for his nourishment although there were not wanting some Doctors of the Opinion of Scotus who affirmed that his own Mother gave him suck and that she could draw out of her Breasts one Thousand four hundred two Pipes and nine Pails of milk at every time Which indeed is not probable and this point hath been found duggishly scandalous and offensive to tender Ears for that it favoured a little of Heresie Thus was he handled for one Year and ten Months after which time by the Advice of Physicians they began to carry him Abroad and then was made for him a fine little Cart drawn with Oxen of the Invention of Ian Denio wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy and he was worth the seeing for he was a fine Boy had a burly Physiognomy and almost ten Chins he cried very little but beshit himself every hour For to speak truly of him he was wonderfully flegmatic in his Posteriors both by reason of his natural Complexion and the accidental disposition which had befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral Juice Yet without a cause did not he sip one drop for if he happened to be vexed angry displeased or sorry if he did fret if he did weep if he did cry and what grievous quarter soever he kept bring him some drink he would be instantly pacified come to his own Temper be in a good humour again and as still and quiet as ever One of his Governesses told me swearing by her Fig how he was so accustomed to this kind of way that at the sound of Pints and Flaggons he would on a sudden fall into an Ecstacy as if he had then tasted of the Joys of Paradise so that they upon consideration of this his divine Complexion would every Morning to chear him up play with a Knife upon the Glasses on the Bottles with their stopples and on the Pottle-pots with their lids and covers at the sound whereof he became gay did leap for joy would loll and rock himself in the Cradle then nod with his head monocordising his Fingers and barytonising with his Tail CHAP. VIII How they Apparelled Gargantua BEing of this Age his Father ordained to have Clothes made to him in his own Livery which was White and Blew To work then went the Taylors and with great expedition were those Clothes made cut and sewed according to the Fashion that was then in vogue I find by the ancient Records to be seen in the Chamber of Accounts at Montforeo that he was accounted in manner as followeth To make him every Shirt of his were taken up Nine hundred Ells of Chetelero Linnen and Two hundred for the Guissets in manner of Cushions which they put under his Arm-pits his Shirt was not gathered nor plaited for the plaiting of Shirts was not found out till the Seamstresses when the point of their Needles was broken began to work and occupy with the tail There were taken up for his Doublet Eight hundred and thirteen Ells of white Sattin and for his Points Fifteen hundred and nine Dogs Skins and a half Then was it that Men began to tie their Breeches to their Doublets and not their Doublets to their Breeches for it is against Nature as hath most amply been shewed by Ocham upon the Explonibles of Master Hautechaussade For his Breeches were taken up Eleven hundred and five Ells and a third of white broad Cloath They were cut in form of Pillars chamfred channel'd and pinked behind that they might not overheat his Reins And were within the panes puffed out with the lining of as much blew Damask as was needful and remark that he had very good Knee-rowlers proportionable to the rest of his stature For his Cod-piece were used Sixteen Ells and a quarter of the same Cloath and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant Arch most gallantly fastened with two enamell'd Clasps in each of which was set a great Emerauld as big
as an Orange for as says Orpheus lib. de lapidibus and Plinius lib. ultimo it hath an erective Vertue and comfortative of the natural Member The Jâ—ct or out-standing of his Codpiece was of the length of a yard jagged and pinked and withal bagging and strouting out with the blew damask Lining after the manner of his Breeches but had you seen the fair Embroidery of the small Needle-work purl and the curiously interlaced Knots by the Goldsmiths Art set out and trimmed with rich Diamonds precious Rubies fine Turquoises costly Emeraulds and Persian Pearls You would have compared it to a fair Cornucopia or Horn of abundance such as you see in Antics or as Rhea gave to the two Nymphs Amalthea and Ida the Nurses of Iupiter And like to that Horn of Abundance it was still gallant succulent droppy sappy pithy lively always flourishing always fructifying full of Juice full of Flower full of Fruit and all manner of delight Blessed Lady 'T would have done one good to have seen it But I will tell you more of it in the Book which I have made of the Dignity of Codpieces One thing I will tell you that as it was both long and large so was it well furnished and provided within nothing like unto the Hypocritical Codpieces of some fond Wooers and Wench-courters which are stuffed only with wind to the great prejudice of the female Sex For his Shooes were taken up four hundred and six Ells of blew Crimson-velvet and were very neatly cut by parallel Lines joyned in uniform Cylinders For the soling of them were made use of Eleven hundred Hides of brown Cows shapen like the tail of a Keeling For his Coat were taken up Eighteen hundred Ells of blew Velvet died in grain embroidered in its Borders with fair Gilliflowers in the middle decked with silver Purle intermixed with plates of Gold and store of Pearls hereby shewing that in his time he would prove an especial good Fellow and singular Whip can His Girdle was made of Three hundred Ells and a half of silken Serge half white and half blew if I mistake it not His Sword was not of Valentia nor his Dagger of Saragosa for his Father could not endure these Hidalgos borrachos maranisados como diablos but he had a fair Sword made of Wood and the Dagger of boiled Leather as well painted and gilded as any Man could wish His Purse was made of the Cod of an Elephant which was given him by Herre Praecontal Proconsul of Lybia For his Gown were employed Nine thousand six hundred Ells wanting two thirds of blew Velvet as before all so diagonally purled that by true perspective issued thence an unnamed Colour like that you see in the Necks of Turtle-doves or Turkey-cocks which wonderfully rejoyceth the Eyes of the Beholders For his Bonnet or Cap were taken up Three hundred two Ells and a Quarter of white Velvet and the form thereof was wide and round of the bigness of his Head for his Father said that the Caps of the Mirabaise fashion made like the Cover of a Pasty would one time or other bring a mischief on those that wore them For his Plume he wore a fair great blew Feather plucked from an Onocrotal of the Country of Hircania the wild very prettily hanging down over his right Ear For the Jewel or broach which in his Cap he carried he had in a Cake of Gold weighing threescore and eight Marks a fair piece of Enamell'd wherein was portrayed a Man's Body with two Heads looking towards one another four Arms four Feet two Arses such as Plato in Symposio says was the mystical beginning of Man's Nature and about it was written in Ionic Letters 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 To wear about his Neck he had a golden Chain weighing Twenty five thousand and sixty three Marks of Gold the link thereof being made after the manner of great Berries amongst which were set in work green Jaspers ingraven and cut Dragon like all invironed with Beams and Sparks as King Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them and it reached down to the very bust of the rising of his Belly whereby he reaped great benefit all his life long as the Greek Physicians knew well enough For his Gloves were put in work sixteen Otters Skins and three of Laugarous or Men-eating Wolves for the bordering of them And of this stuff were they made by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlono As for the Rings which his Father would have him to wear to renew the ancient mark of Nobility He had on the fore-finger of his left hand a Carbuncle as big as an Ostrige's Egg inchased very daintily in Gold of the fineness of a Turkie Seraph Upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a Ring made of four Metals together of the strongest fashion that ever was seen so that the steel did not crash against the Gold nor the Silver crush the Copper All this was made by Captain Chappins and Alcofribas his Operator On the Medical Finger of his Right-hand he had a Ring made Spire-ways wherein was set a perfect baleu Ruby a pointed Diamond and a Poison Emerauld of an inestimable Value for Hans-carvel the King of Milinda's Jeweller esteemed them at the rate of Threescore nine Millions eight hundred ninety four thousand and eighteen French Crowns of Berrie and at so much did the Iews of Auspurg prize them CHAP. IX The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua GArgantua's Colours were White and Blew as I have shewed you before by which his Father would give us to understand that his Son to him was a heavenly Joy for the White did signifie Gladness Pleasure Delight and Rejoicing and the Blew Celelestial things I know well enough that in reading this you laugh at the old Toaper and hold this Exposition of Colours to be very extravagant and utterly disagreeable to reason because White is said to signifie Faith and Blew Constancy But without moving vexing heating or putting you in a chase for the Weather is dangerous answer me if it please you for no other compulsory way of arguing will I use towards you or any else only now and then I will mention a word or two of my Bottle What is it that induceth you What stirs you up to believe or who told you that White signifieth Faith and Blew Constancy An old paultry Book say you sold by the hawking Pedlars and Balladmongers Entituled The Blason of Colours Who made it Whoever it was he was wise in that he did not set his Name to it I know not what I should rather admire in him his Presumption or his Folly His Presumption for that he should without Reason without Cause or without any appearance of Truth have dared to prescribe by private Authority what things should be denoted and signified by the Colour Which is the Custom of Tyrants who will have their Will to bear sway instead of Equity and not of the Wise and Learned who with the
Divel you are it seems but bad horsemen that suffer your bilder to fail you vvhen you need him most If you vvere to go from hence to Chausas vvhether had you rather ride on a Goose or lead a Sow in a Leash I had rather drink said the Gentleman of Horse vvith this they entered into the lowerâ—Hall vvhere the company was and relating to them this new Story made them laugh like a swarm of Flies CHAP. XIII How Gargantua's wonderful Understanding became known to his Father Grangousier by the Invention of a Torchcul or Wipe-breech ABout the end of the Fifth Year Grangousier returning from the Conquest of the Canarians went by the way to see his Son Gargantua there was he filled with Joy as such a Father might be at the sight of such a Child of his And whilst he kist him and embrac'd him he asked many childish Questions of him about divers matters and drank very freely with him and with his Governesses of whom in great earnest he asked among other things whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet To this Gargantua answered that he had taken such a course for that himself that in all the Country there was not to be found a cleanlier Boy then he How is that said Grangousier I have answer'd Gargantua by a long and curious Experience found out a means to wipe my Bum the most Lordly the most Excellent and the most Convenient that ever was seen What is it said Grangousier how is it I will tell you by and by said Gargantua once I did wipe me with a Gentlewomans Velvet Mask and found it to be good for the softness of the Silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my Fundament Another time with one of their Hoods and in like manner that was comfortable At another time with a Ladies Neck-kerchief and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson Sattin but there was such a number of golden Spangles in them turdy round things a Pox take them that they fetched away all the Skin off my Tail with a vengeance Now I wish St. Anthony's Fire burn the Bumgut of the Goldsmith that made them and of her that wore them This hurt I cured by wiping my self with a Pages Cap garnished with a Feather after the Switzers fashion Afterwards in dunging behind a bush I found a March-Cat and with it wiped my Breech but her Claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my Perinee of this I recovered the next Morning thereafter by wiping my self with my Mother's Gloves of a most excellent Perfume and Scent of the Arabian Benin After that I wiped me with Sage with Fennil with Anet with Marjoram with Roses with Gourd-Leaves with Beets with Colewort with Leaves of the Vine-tree with Mallows Wool-blade which is a Tail-scarlet with Lettice and with Spinage Leaves All this did very great good to my Leg. Then with Mercury with Pursly with Nettles with Comfrey but that gave me the Bloody Flux of Lumbardy which I healed by wiping me with my Braguette Then I wiped my Tail in the Sheets in the Coverlet in the Curtains with a Cushion with Arras Hangings with a green Carpet with a Table-cloath with a Napkin with a Handkerchief with a Combing-cloath in all which I found more Pleasure than do the Mangy Dogs when you rub them Yea but said Grangousier which Torchecul didst thou find to be the best I was coming to it said Gargantua and by and by shall you hear the tu autem and know the whole Mystery and Knot of the Matter I wiped my self with Hay with Straw with Thatch-rushes with Flax with Wooll with Paper but Tousiours laisse aux couillons esmorche Qui son ord cul de papier torche Who his foul Tail with paper wipes Shall at his Ballocks leave some chips What said Grangousier my little Rogue hast thou been at the Pot that thou dost rhime already Yes yes my Lord the King answered Gargantua I can rhime out of measure I can rhime and chime and clink till I stink agen Hark what our Privy says to the Skiters Shittard Squirtard Crackard Turdous Thy bung Hath flung Some dung On us Filthard Cackard Stinkard St. Anthony fire thy Arsebone If thy Dirty Toby Thou do not wipe e'er thou be gone Will you have any more of it Yes yes answer'd Grangousier Then said Gargantua A Roundlay A shiting I found yesterday The Tax I to my Arse should pay The Bung-hole breath'd so vile a funk That one would wonder how I stunk O had but then some brave Signior Brought her to me I waited for A shiting I would have cleft her Watergap And joyn'd it close to my Flipflap Whilst she had with her Fingers guarded My foul Nockandrow all bemerded A shiting Now say that I can do nothing by the Merdi they are not of my making but I heard them of this good old Grandam that you see here and ever since have retained them in the Budget of my Memory Let us return to our Business said Grangousier What said Gargantua to skite No said Grangousier but to wipe our Tail But said Gargantua will not you be content to pay a Punchion of Britton-Wine if I do not blank and gravel you in this matter and put you to a non-plus Yes truely said Grangousier There is no need of wiping ones Tail said Gargantua but when it is foul foul it cannot be unless one have been a skiting skite then we must before we wipe our Tails O my pretty little waggish Boy said Grangousier what an excellent Wit thou hast I will make thee very shortly proceed Doctor in the Belles Lettres and by G for thou hast more Wit than Age. Now I prethee go on in this Bumfodder Discourse and by my Beard I swear for one Puncheon thou shall have threescore Pipes I mean of the good Breton Wine not that which grows in Britain but in the good Country of Verron Afterwards I wiped my Bum said Gargantua with a Kerchief with a Pillow with a Pantoufle with a Pouch with a Panier but that was a wicked and unpleasant wipe-Breech then with a Hat of Hats note that some are shorn and others shaggy some velveted others cover'd with taffities and others with sattin the best of all these is the shaggy Hat for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter Afterwards I wiped my Tail with a Hen with a Cock with a Pullet with a Calves Skin with a Hare with a Pigeon with a Cormorant with an Attorney's Bag with a Montero with a Coif with a Faulconer's Lure but to conclude I say and maintain that of all Torcheculs Arsewisps Bumfodders Tail-napkins Bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches there is none in the World comparable to the Neck of a Goose that is well douned if you hold her head betwixt your Legs And believe me therein upon mine Honour for you will thereby feel in your Nockhole a most wonderful pleasure both in regard
and will Banter and Lye as fast as a Dog can trot Being return'd home they did eat at Supper more soberly than at other times and meats more desicâ—ative and extenuating to the end that the intemperate moisture of the Air communicated to the Bodyly a necessary confinity might by this means be corrected and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily Exercise Thus was Gargantua governed and kept on in this course of Education from day to day profiting as you understand such a young Man of his Age and good Sence so kept to his Exercise may well do Which although at the beginning it seemed difficult became a little after so sweet so easie and so delightful that it seem'd rather the Recreation of a King then the study of a Scholar Nevertheless Ponocrates to divert him from this vehement intension of the Spirits thought fit once in a Month upon some fair and clear day to go out of the City betimes in the Morning either towards Gentilly or Boulogne or to Montrouge or Charenton bridge or to Vanures or St. Clou and there spend all the day long in making the greatest chear that could be devised sporting making merry drinking healths playing singing dancing tumbling in some fair Meadow unnestling of Sparrows taking of Quails and fishing for Frogs and Crabs But although that day was past without Books or Lecture yet was it not spent without profit for in the said Meadows they usually repeated certain pleasant Verses of Virgiâ—'s Agriculture of Hesiod and of Politian's Husbandry would set a broach some witty Latin Epigrams then immediately turned them into Roundlays and Songs in the French Language In their Feasting they would sometimes separate the Water from the Wine that was therewith mixed as Cato teacheth de re rustica and Pliny with an Ivy Cup would wash the Wine in a Basin full of Water then take it out again with a Funnel as pure as ever They made the Water go from one Glass to another and contrived a thousand little automatary Engines that is to say moving of themselves CHAP. XXV How there was great Strife and Debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerne and those of Gargantua's Country whereupon were waged great Wars AT that time which was the Season of Vintage in the beginning of Harvest when the Country-Shepherds were set to keep the Vines and hinder the Starlings from eating up the Grapes As some Cake-bakers of Lerne happened to pass along in the broad high way driving unto the City Ten or Twelve Horses loaded with Cakes the said Shepherds courteously intreated them to give them some for their Money as the price then ruled in the Market For here it is to be remarked That it is a Celestial Food to eat for Breakfast hot fresh Cakes with Grapes especially the frail Clusters the great red Grapes Muscadine the Verjuice Grape and the Luskard for those that are costive in their Belly because it will make them gush out and squirt the length of a Hunter's staff like the very tap of a Barrel and often-times thinking to let a squib they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves whereupon they are commonly called the Vintage-thinkers The Cake-bakers were in nothing inclinable to their Request but which was worse did injure them most outragiously calling them pratling Gablers lickorous Gluttons freckled Bittors mangy Rascals shite-abed Scoundrels drunken Roysters sly Knaves drowsie Loiterers slapsauce Fellows slabberdegullion Druggels lubbardly Louts cousining Foxes ruffian Rogues paultry Customers sycophant Varlets drawlatch Hoydons flouting Milk sops jeering Companions staring Clowns forlorn Snakes ninny Lobcocks scurvy Sneaksbies fondling Fops base Loons saucy Coxcombs idle Lusks scoffing Braggards noddy Meacocks blockish Grutnols Doddipol Iolt heads jobernol Goosecaps foolish Loggerheads slutch Calf lollies grout-head Gnatsnapper Lob dotterels gaping Changelings codshead Loobies woodcock Slangams ninny-hammer Flycatchers noddipeak Simpletons turgy Gut shitten Shepherds and other such defamatory Epithetes saying further that it was not for them to eat of these dainty Cakes but might very well content themselves with the course unraunged Bread or to eat of the great brown Houshold Loaf To which provoking words one amongst them called Forgier an honest Fellow of his person and a notable Springal made answer very calmly thus How long is it since you have got Horns that you are become so proud Indeed formerly you were wont to give us some freely and will you not now let us have some for our Money This is not the part of good Neighbours neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good Corn whereof you make your Cakes and Buns Besides that we would have given you to the bargain some of our Grapes but by his Zounds you may chance to repent it and possibly have need of us at another time when we shall use you after the like manner and therefore remember it Then Marquet a prime Man in the Confraternity of the Cake-bakers said unto him Yea Sir thou art pretty well crestâ—risen this Morning thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymoug come hither Sirrah come hither I will give thee some Cakes Whereupon Forgier dreading no harm in all simplicity went towards him and drew a Six Pence out of his Leather Sachel thinking that Marquet would have sold him some of his Cakes but instead of Cakes he gave him with his Whip such a rude lash overthwart the Legs that the marks remain'd then would have fled away but Forgier cried out as loud as he could O Murther Murther help help help and in the mean time threw a great Cudgel after him which he carried under his arm wherewith he hit him in the Coronal Joint of his head upon the Crotaphic Artery of the right side thereof so forcibly that Marquet fell down from his Mare more like a dead then living Man Mean while the Farmers and Country Swains that were watching their Walnuts near to that place came running with their great Poles and long Staves and laid such load on these Cake-bakers as if they had been to thresh upon green Rye The other Shepherds and Shepherddesses hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier came with their slings and slackies following them and throwing great stones at them as thick as Hail At last these overtook them and took from them about four or five dozen of their Cakes Nevertheless they payed for them the ordinary price and gave them over and above one hundred Eggs and three Baskets full of Mulberries Then did the Cake-bakers help to get Marquet mounted upon his Mare again who was most shrewdly wounded and forthwith they returned to Lerne changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille threatning very sharp and boistrously the Cowherds Shepherds and Farmers of Sevile and Sinays This done the Shepherds and Shepherddesses made merry with these Cakes and fine Grapes and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small Pipe scoffing and laughing at those vain-glorious Cake-bakers
give him Satisfaction And oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him to understand wherein by whom and how he found himself to be wronged But of him could I obtain no other answer but a meer defiance and that in my Lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil Correspondency and good Behaviour Whereby I knew that the Eternal God hath given him over to the disposure of his own free Will and sensual Appetite which cannot chuse but be wicked if by divine Grace it be not continually guided And to contain him within his Duty and bring him to know himself hath sent him hither to me by a grievous Token Therefore my Beloved Son as soon as thou canst upon sight of these Letters repair hither with all diligence to succour not me so much which nevertheless by natural Piety thou oughtest to do as thine own People which by reason thou oughtest to save and preserve The Exploit shall be done with as little Effusion of Blood as may be and if possible by Means more expedient by Policy and Stratagems of War We shall save all the Souls and send them home merry unto their own Houses My dearest Son the Peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer be with thee salute from me Ponocrates Gymnastes and Eudemon the Twentieth of September Thy Father Grangousier CHAP. XXX How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole THE Letters being dictated signed and sealed Grangousier ordained that Vlrich Gallet Master of the Requests a very wise and discreet Man of whose Prudence and found Judgment he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters to go unto Picrochole to shew what had been resolved amongst them At the same hour departed the good Man Gallet and having past the Ford asked the Miller in what condition Picrochole was who answer'd That his Souldiers had left neither Cock nor Hen that they were retir'd and shut up into the Rock Clermond and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of the Scouts because they were enormously furious which he easily believed and therefore lodged that night with the Miller The next morning he went with a Trumpeter to the Gate of the Castle and requir'd the Guards he might be admitted to speak with the King of somewhat that concern'd him These words being told unto the King he would by no means consent that they should open the Gate but getting upon the top of the Bulwark said unto the Ambassador What is the news what have you to say Then the Ambassador began to speak as followeth CHAP. XXXI The Speech made by Gallet to Picrochole THere cannot arise amongst Men a juster cause of Grief then when they receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good will and not without cause though without reason have many after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident esteemed this indignity less supportable then the loss of their own Lives in such sort that if they could not by force of Arms or otherwise correct it they have deprived themselves of this Light It is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier my Master be full of high displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outragious and hostile coming but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved with the incomparable Abuses and Injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his Country towards whom there hath been no Example of Inhumanity omitted Which in it self is to him so grievous for the cordial Affection wherewith he hath always cherish'd his Subjects that more it cannot be to any mortal Man yet in this above human Apprehension is it to him the more grievous that these Wrongs and sad Offences have been committed by thee and thine who time out of mind from all antiquity thou and thy Predecessors have been in a continual League and Amity with him and all his Ancestors which even until this time you have as sacred together inviolably preserved kept and maintained so well that not he and his only but the very barbarous Nations of the Poictevins Bretons Manceaux and those that dwell beyond the Isles of the Canaries and that of Isabella have thought it as easie to pull down the Firmament and to set up depths above the Clouds as to make a breach in your Alliance and have been so afraid of it in their Enterprises that they have never dared to provoke incense or indamage the one for fear of the other Nay which is more this sacred League hath so filled the World that there are few Nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the Continent and Isles of the Ocean who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it upon your own Covenants and Conditions holding your joint Confederacy in as high Esteem as their own Territories and Dominions in such sort that from the memory of Man there hath not been either Prince or League so wild and proud that durst have offered to invade I say not your Countries but not so much as those of your Confederates And if by rash and heady Counsel they have attempted any new design against them as soon as they heard the Name and Title of your Alliance they have suddenly desisted from their Enprises What Rage and Madness therefore doth now incite thee all old Alliance infringed all Amity trod under foot and all right violated thus in a hostil manner to invade his Country without having been by him or his in any thing prejudiced wronged or provoked Where is Faith Where is Law Where is Reason Where is Humanity Where is the fear of God Dost thou think that these atrâ—cious Abuses are hidden from the eternal Spirits and the Supream God who is the just rewarder of all our Vndertakings If thou so think thou deceivest thy self for all things shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible Judgment he hath appointed Is it thy fatal Destiny or influences of the Stars that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed Ease and Rest For that all things have their end and period so as that when they are come to the superlative point of their greatest height they are in a trice tumbled down again as not being able to abide long in that state This is the Conclusion and End of those who cannot by Reason and Temperance moderate their Fortunes and Prosperities But if it be predestinated that thy Happiness and Ease must now come to an end must it needs be by wronging my King him by whom thou were establish'd If thy House must come to ruin should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up The matter is so unreasonable and so dissonant from common Sense that hardly can it be conceived by human Vnderstanding and altogether incredible unto Strangers till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that nothing is either sacred or holy to those who having emancipated themselves from God and Reason do meerly
served you honestly Reason said he will have it so that is but just I give unto you the Caramania Surie and all the Palestine Ha Sir said they it is your goodness Grammercie God grant you may always prosper There was present at the time an old Gentleman well experienced in in the Wars a stern Souldier and who had been in many great hazards named Echephron who hearing this discourse said I do grealty doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tail of the pitcher full of Milk wherewith a Shomaker made himself rich in conceit but when the pitcher was broken he had not whereupon to dine What do you pretend by these large Conquests what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses Thus it shall be said Picrochole that when we return we shall sit down rest and be merry But said Echephron if by chance you should never come back for the voyage is long and dangerous where it not better for us to take our rest now then unnecessarily to expose our selves to so many dangers O said Swashbuckler by G here is a good dotard come let us go hide our selves in the corner of a Chimney and there spend the whole time of our life amongst Ladies in threading of peaâ—ls or spinning like Sardanapalus He that nothing ventures hath neither Horse nor Mule said Solomon He who adventureth too much said Echepron loseth both Horse and Mule as Malchon answered Enough said Picrochole go forward I fear nothing but that these Devillish Legions of Grangousier whilst we are in Mesopotamia will come on our backs and charge upon our rear what remedy then A very good one said Durtaille send a pretty round Commission to the Muscoviters And they bring instantly into the Field for you four hundred and fifty thousand choice fighting Men. O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General how I should truss up the Rogues with discipline I fret I charge I strike I take I kill I slay I play the Devil On on said Picrochole he that loves me follow me CHAP. XXXIV How Gargantua left the City of Paris to Succour his Country and how Gymnast encountered with the Enemy IN this same very hour Gargantua who was gone out of Paris as soon as he had read his Father's Letters coming upon his great mare had already past the Nunnery-bridge himself Ponocrates Gymnast and Eudemon to go along with him took Post-horses The rest of his Train came after him by even journeys bringing with them all his Books and Philosophical Instruments As soon as he had alighted at Parille he was informed by a Farmer of Gouget how Picrochole had fortified himself within the Rock Clermond and had sent Captain Tripet with a great Army to set upon the Wood of Vede and Vaugaudry and that they had already plundered the whole Country not leaving Cock nor Hen even as far as to the Wine-press of Billiard and that it was a strange thing and hardly to be credited what ravage they had committed over all the Land which so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor what to do But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon who at all times had been their Friend and Confederate and that by him they should be better advised in their Business Which they did incontinently and found him very willing to assist them and he was of opinion that they should send some one of his Company to scout along and discover the Country to learn in what condition and posture the Enemy was that they might take Counsel and proceed according to the present occasion Gymnast offering himself to go whereupon it was concluded that for his safety and the better expedition he should have with him some one that knew the Ways Avenues Turnings Windings and Rivers thereabout Then away went he and Prelingot Gentleman of Vauguyon's Horse who scouted and espied on all quarters without any fear In the mean time Gargantua took a little refreshment eat somewhat himself the like did those that were with him and caused to give to his Mare a Picotine of Oats that is Threescore and fourteen Quarters and three Bushels Gymnast and his Camrade rode so long that at last they met with the Enemies Forces all scattered and out of order Plundering Stealing Robbing and Pillaging all they could lay their Hands on And as far off as they could perceive him they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him to unload him of his Money and untruss his Portmantles Then cried he out unto them My Masters I am a poor Devil I desire you to spare me I have yet one Crown left come we must drink it for it is aurum potabile and this Horse here shall be sold to pay my welcom afterwards take me for one of your own for never yet was there any Man that knew better how to take lard rost and dress yea by G to tear asunder and devour a Hen then I that am here And for my Beverage I drink to all good Fellows With that he unscrued his Leathern Bottle and without putting in his Nose drank very handsomly the Rogues looked upon him opening their Throats a Foot wide and putting out their Tongues like Greyhounds in hopes to drink after him But Captain Tripet in the very nick came running to him to see who it was To him Gymnast offer'd his Bottle saying Hold Captain drink boldly and spare not I have been thy taster it is Wine of La fay monjau What says Tripet this Fellow gybes and flouts us who art thou said Tripet I am said Gymnast a poor Devil pauvre diable Ha said Tripet seeing thou art a poor Devil it is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go whither-soever thou wilt for all poor Devils pass every where without toll or tax but it is not the custom of poor Devils to be so well mounted therefore Sir Devil come down and let me have your Horse and if he do not carry me well you Master Devil must do it for I love a Life that such a Devil as you should carry me away CHAP. XXXV How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet and others of Picrochole's Men WHen they heard these words some amongst them began to be afraid and blest themselves with both hands thinking indeed that he had been a Devil disguised Insomuch that one of them named Good Iohn Captain of the trained Bands took his Psalter out of his Codpiece and cried out aloud Hagios ho Theos If thou be of God speak if thou be of the other Spirit avoid hence and get thee going Yet he went not away which words being heard by all the Souldiers that were there divers of them being a little inwardly terrified departed from the place All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his Horse as he was poising himself on the mounting side he
both Towers and Fortresses and laid all level with the Ground by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces Going from thence they came to the Bridge at the Mill where they found all the Ford covered with dead Bodies so thick that they had choaked up the Mill and stopped the current of its Water and these were those that were destroyed in the Urinal Deluge of the Mare There they were at a stand consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead Carcasses But Gymnast said If the Devils have past there I will pass well enough The Devils have past there said Eudemon to carry away the damned Souls By St. Rhenian said Ponocrates then by necessary consequence he shall pass there Yes yes said Gymnastes or I shall stick in the way Then setting Spurs to his Horse he past through freely his Horse not fearing nor being any ways affrighted at the sight of the dead Bodies For he had accustomed him according to the Doctrin of Aelian not to fear Armour nor the Carcasses of dead Men and that not by killing Men as Diomedes did the Thracians or as Vlysses did in throwing the Corpses of his Enemies at his Horses feet as Homer saith but by putting a Iack a-lent amongst his hay and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his Oats The other three followed him very close except Eudemon only whose Horses far fore-foot sank up to the Knee in the Paunch of a great fat Chuff who lay there upon his back drowned and could not get it out There was he pester'd until Gargantua with the end of his Staff thrust down the rest of the Villain 's Tripes into the Water whilst the Horse pulled out his Foot and which is a wonderful thing in Hippiatry the said Horse was throughly cured of a Ringbone which he had in that Foot by this touch of the burst guts of that great Looby CHAP. XXXVII How Gargantua in combing his Head made the great Cannon-ball fall out of his Hair HAving got over the River of Vede they came very shortly after to Grangousier's Castle who waited for them with great longing at their coming there was such Hugging and Embracing never was seen a more joyful Company for Supplementum supplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there with joy For my part truly I cannot tell neither do I care very much for her nor for any body else The truth was that Gargantua in shifting his Clothes and combing his Head with a Comb Nine hundred Foot long and the teeth all Tusks of Elephants whole and entire he made fall at every rake above seven Balls that stuck in his Hair at the razing of the Castle at the Wood of Vede Which his Father Grangousier seeing thought they had been Lice and said unto him What my dear Son hast thou brought us thus far some short-winged Hawks of the College of Montague I did not mean that thou shouldst reside there Then answered Ponocrates My Sovereign Lord think not that I have placed him in that lowsie College which they call Montague I had rather have put him amongst the Grave-diggers of Sanct Innocent so enormous is the Cruelty and Villainy that I have known there for the Gally-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars the Murtherers in the criminal Dungeons yea the very Dogs in your House then are poor wretched Students in the aforesaid College And were I King of Paris the Devil take me if I would not set it on fire and burn both Principal and Regents for suffering this Inhumanity to be exercised before their Eyes Then taking up one of these Bullets he said these are Cannon-shot which your Son Gargantua hath lately received by the Treachery of your Enemies as he was passing before the Wood of Vede But they have been so rewarded that they are all destroyed in the Ruin of the Castle as were the Philistines by the Policy of Sampson and those whom the Tower of Silohim slew as it is written Luc. 13. My opinion is that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side for Occasion hath all her Hair on her Forehead when she is past you may not recal her she is bald in the hind part of her Head and never returneth again Truly said Grangousier it shall not be at this time for I will make you a Feast this Night and bid you welcom This said they made ready Supper and of extraordinary besides his daily fare were roasted sixteen Oxen three Heifers two and thirty Calves threescore and three fat Kids fourscore and fifteen Wethers three hundred Barrow-pigs sowced in sweet Wine eleven-score Partridges seven hundred Snites and Woodcocks four hundred Loudon and Cornwal-Capons six thousand Pullets and as many Pigeons six hundred crammed Hens fourteen hundred Liverets three hundred and three Buzzards and one thousand and seven hundred Cockrels For Venison they could not so suddenly come by it only eleven wild Boars which the Abbot of Turpenay sent and eighteen fallow Deer which the Lord of Gramount bestowed together with sevenscore Phesants which were sent by the Lord of Essars and some dozens of Queests Coushots Ring-doves and Woodculvers River-fowl Teals and Awteals Bittorns Courtes Plovers Francolins Briganders Tyrasons young Lapwings tame Ducks Shovelers Woodlanders Herons Moor-Hens Criels Storks Canepetiers Oronges Flamans which are Phaenicopters Terrigoles Turkies Arbens Coots Solingeese Curlews Termagants and Water-wagtails with a great deal of Cream Curds and fresh Cheese and store of Soupe Pottages and Brewis with variety Without doubt there was meat enough and it was handsomly drest by Snapsauce Hotchpot and Brayverjuice Grangousier's Cooks Ieken Trudg apace and Clean-glass were very careful to fill them drink CHAP. XXXVIII How Gargantua did eat up six Pilgrims in a Sallet THE Story requireth that we relate which happened unto six Pilgrims who came from Sebastian near to Nantes and who for shelter that night being afraid of the Enemy had hid themselves in the Garden upon the chichling Pease among the Cabbages and Lettices Gargantua finding himself somewhat dry asked whether they could get any Lettice to make him a Sallet and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the Country for they were as great as Plum-trees or as Walnut-trees he would go thiâ—her himself and brought thence in his hand what he thought good and withal carried away the six Pilgrims who were in so great fear they did not dare to speak nor cough Washing them therefore first at the Fountain the Pilgrims said one to another softly What shall we do we are almost drowned here amongst these Lettice shall we speak But if we speak he will kill us for Spies And as they were thus deliberating what to do Gargantua put them with the Lettice into a platter of the House as large as the huge Tun of the Cisterâ—ians which done with Oil Vinegar and Salt he eat them up to refresh himself a little before Supper and had already
so did all these who were with him and immediately thereafter without resistance putting to the edge of the Sword the guard that was at that Gate they opened it to the Horsemen with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the East-gate where all the hurly burly was and coming close upon them in the Reer overthrew all their Forces The besiged seeing that the Gargantuists had won the Town upon them and that they were like to be secure in no corner of it submitted themselves unto the mercy of the Monk and asked for quarter which the Monk very nobly granted to them yet made them lay down their Arms. Then shutting them up within Churches gave order to seize upon all the Staves of the Crosses and placed Men at the Doors to keep them from coming forth Then opening the East-gate he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua But Picrochole thinking it had been some Relief coming to him from the Town adventured more forwardly than before and was upon the giving of a most desperate Home charge when Gargantua cried out Ha Friar Ihon my Friend Friar Ihon you are come in a good hour which unexpected accident so affrighted Picrochole and his Men that giving all for lost they betook themselves to their Heels and fled on all Hands Gargantua chased them till they came near to Vaugaudry killing and slaying all the way and then sounded the retreat CHAP. XLIX How Picrochole in his flight fell into great Misfortunes and what Gargantua did after the Battle PIcrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island and in the way to Rivere his Horse stumbled and fell down whereat he was on a sudden so incensed that he with his Sword without more ado killed him in his Choler Then not finding any other whereon to remount he was about to have taken an Ass at the Mill that was thereby but the Millers Men did so baste his Bones and so soundly bethwack'd him that they made him both black and blew with strokes then striping him of all his Clothes gave him a scurvy old Canvas Jacket wherewith to cover his Nakedness Thus went along this poor choleric Wretch who passing the Water at Porthuaux and relating his misadventurous Disasters was foretold by an old Lourpidon Hag that his Kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes What is become of him since we cannot certainly tell yet was I told that he is now a Porter at Lyons as testy and chorelic as ever and always with great Lamentation enquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes expecting assuredly according to the old Woman's Prophesie that at their coming he shall be re-establish'd in his Kingdom The first thing Gargantua did after his return into the Town was to call the Muster-roll of his Men which when he had done he found that there were very few either kill'd or wounded only some few Foot of Captain Tolmeres Company and Ponocrates who was shot with a Musket Ball through the Doublet Then he caused them all at and in their several Posts and Divisions to take a little Refreshment which was very plenteously provided for them in the best Drink and Victuals that could be had for Money And gave order to the Treasurers and Commissaries of the Army to pay for and defray that Repast and that there should be no Outrage at all nor Abuse committed in the Town seeing it was his own And furthermore commanded that immediately after the Souldiers had done with eating and drinking they should be drawn up on the Piazza before the Castle there to receive six months pay All which was done After this by his direction were brought before him in the said place all those that remained of Picrochole's Party unto whom in the presence of the Princes Nobles and Officers of his Court and Army he spoke as followeth CHAP. L. Gargantua's Speech to the Vanquished OVR Fore fathers and Ancestors of all times have been of this Nature and Disposition that upon the winning of a Battel they have chosen rather for a sign and memorial of their Triumphs and Victories to erect Trophies and Monuments in the Hearts of the Vanquish'd by Clemency then by Architecture in the Lands which they had conquer'd For they did hold in greater estimation the lively remembrance of Men purchased by liberality than the dumb Inscription of Arches Pillars and Pyramids subject to the Injury of Storms and Tempests and to the Envy of every one You may very well remember of the Courtesie which by them was used towards the Bretons in the Battle of St. Aubin of Comier and at the demolishing of Partenay You have heard and hearing admire their gentle Comportment towards those at the Barriers of Spaniola when they had plundered wasted and ransack'd the maritime Borders of Olone and Talmondois All this Hemisphere of the World was filled with the Praises and Congratulations which your selves and your Fathers made when Alpharbal King of Canarre not satisfied with his own Fortunes did most furiously invade the Land of Onyx and with cruel Piracies molest all the Armoric Islands and confine Regions of Britany Yet was he in a set naval Fight justly taken and vanquished by my Father whom God preserve and protect But what Whereas other Kings and Emperors yea those who entitle themselves Catholics would have dealt roughly with him kept him a close Prisoner and put him to an extream high ransom He intreated him very courteously lodged him kindly with himself in his own Palace and out of his incredible mildness and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe Conduct loaden with Gifts loaden with Favours loaden with all Offices of Friendship What fell out upon it Being returned into his Country he called a Parliament where all the Princes and States of his Kingdom being assembled he shewed them the Humanity which he had found in us and therefore wished them to take such course by way of Compensation therein as that the whole World might be edified by the Example as well of their honest Graciousness to us as of our gracious Honesty towards them The result hereof was that it was voted and decreed by an unanimous Consent that they should offer up entirely their Lands Dominions and Kingdoms to be disposed of by us according to our Pleasure Alpharbal in his own Person presently returned with Nine Thousand and thirty eight great Ships of burden bringing with him the Treasures not only of his House and Royal Lineage but almost of all the Country beside For he imbarking himself to set Sail with a West-North-East Wind every one in heaps did cast into the Ship Gold Silver Rings Iewels Spices Drugs and Aromatical Perfumes Parrets Pelicans Monkies Civet-cats black-spotted Weesils Porcupines c. He was accounted no good Mother's Son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had Being safely arrived he came to my said Father and would have kist his Feet That Action was found too
submissively low and therefore was not permitted but in exchange he was most cordially embraced He offered his Presents they were not received because they were too excessive He yielded himself voluntarily a Servant and Vassal and was content his whole Posterity should be liable to the same Bondage this was not accepted of because it seemed not equitable He surrendered by Vertue of the Decree of his great Parliamentary Council his whole Countries and Kingdoms to him offering the Deed and Conveyance signed sealed and ratified by all those that were concerned in it This was altogether refused and the Parchments cast into the Fire In the end this free-good Will and simple Meaning of the Canarriens wrought such tenderness in my Father's Heart that he could not abstain from shedding Tears and wept most profusely then by choice words very congruously adapted strove in what he could to diminish the estimation of the good offices which he had done them saying That any Courtesie he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush and what favour so ever he had shew'd them he was bound to do it But so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repeat thereof What was the Issue whereas for his ransom in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand Crowns and his eldest Sons detain'd as hostages till that Sum had been pay'd they made themselves perpetual tributaries and obliged to give us every Year two millions of Gold at four and twenty Carats fine The first Year we received the whole sum of two Millions the second Year of their own accord they pay'd freely to us three and twenty hundred thousand Crowns the third Year six and twenty hundred thousand the fourth Year three millions and do so increase it always out of their own good will that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more This is the Nature of gratitude and true thankfulness For time which gnaws and diminisheth all things else augments and increaseth benefits because a noble action of liberality done to a Man of reason doth grow continually by his generous thinking of it and remembring it But unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary mildness and clemency of my Parents I do now forgive you set you at liberty and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before Moreover at your going out of the Gate you shall have every one of you three Months Pay to bring you home into your Houses and Families and shall have a safe convoy of six hundred Cuirasiers and eight thousand Foot under the conduct of Alexander Esquire of my body that the Clubmen of the Country may not do you any Injury God be with you I am sorry from my Heart that Picrochole is not here for I would have given him to understand that this War was undertaken against my Will and without any hope to increase either goods or renown but seeing he is lost and that no Man can tell where nor how he went away It is my will that this Kingdom remain entire to his Son who because he is too young he not being yet full five Years old shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient Princes and learned Men of the Kingdom And because a Realm thus desolate may easily come to Ruin if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to administer justice in it but not curbed and restrained I ordain and will have it so that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his governours with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto and that he be continually with the Child until he find him able and capable to rule and govern by himself Now I must tell you that yâ—u are to understand how a too feeble and dissâ—lute Facility in pardoning Evil-doers giveth them occasion to commit wickedness afterward more readily upon this pernicious confidence of receiving favour I consider that Moses the meekest Man that was in his time upon the Earth did severely punish the mutinous and seditious People of Israel I consider likewise that Julius Caesar who was so gracious an Emperor that Cicero said of him That his Fortune had nothing more excellent than that he could and his Vertue nothing better than that he would always save and pardon every Man He notwithstanding all this did in certain places most rigorously punish the Authors of Rebellion After the Example of these good Men it is my Will and Pleasure that you deliver over unto me before you depart hence first that fine Fellow Marquet who was the prime origin and ground-work of this War by his vain Presumption and Overweening Secondly his fellow Cakebakers who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle hair-brain'd Humour in the instant time And lastly all the Counsellors Captains Officers and Domestics of Picrochole who had been Incendiaries or Fomenters of the War by provoking praising or counselling him to come out of his Limits thus to trouble us CHAP. LI. How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the Battle WHen Gargantua had finished his Speech the seditious Men whom he requir'd were delivered up unto him except Swash-buckler Durtaille and Smaltrash who ran away six hours before the Battle one of them as far as to Lanielneck at one course another to the Valley of Vire and the third even unto Logroine without looking back or taking breath by the way And two of the Cake-bakers who were slain in the Fight Gargantua did them no other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the Presses of his Printing-House which he had newly set up Then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile-Vailey and Burn-hag-Field and gave order that the wounded should be drest and had care of in his great Hospital or Nosocome After this considering the great prejudice done to the Town and its Inhabitants he re-imbursed their Charges and repair'd all the losses that by their Confession upon Oath could appear they had sustained And for their better Defence and Security in times coming against all sudden Uproars and Invasions commanded a strong Cittadel to be built there with a competent Garrison to maintain it At his departure he did very graciously thank all the Souldiers of the Brigades that had been at this overthrow and sent them back to their Winter-quarters in their several Stations and Garisons The Decumane Legion only excepted whom in the Field on that day he saw do some great Exploit and their Captains also whom he brought along with himself unto Grangousier At the sight and coming of them the good Man was so joyful that it is not possible fully to describe it He made them a Feast the most magnificent plentiful and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the King Assuerus At the taking up of the Table he distributed amongst them his whole Cupboard of Plate which
of a Girdle winding it five or six times about their Waste But if it happened the foresaid Member to be in good case spooming with a full Sail bunt fair before the Wind then to have seen those strouting Champions you would have taken them for Men that had their Lances setled on their Rest to run at the Ring or tilting Whintam Of these believe me the Race is utterly lost and quite extinct as the Women say for they do lament continually that there are none extant now of those long plump c. you know the rest of the Song Others did grow in matter of Ballocks so enormously that three of them would fill a Sack from them are descended the Ballocks of Lorrain which never dwell in Codpieces but fall down to the bottom of the Breeches Others grew in the Hams and to see them you would have said they had been Cranes or Flamans or else Men walking upon Stilts the little School-boys called these Iambicks In others their Nose did grow so that it seemed to be the Beak of a Limbeck in every part thereof most variously diapred with the twinkling Sparkles of Crimson-blisters budding forth and purpled with Pimples all enamaled with thick-set Wheals of a sanguine Colour bordered with Queules and such have you seen the Prebend Panzoul and Woodenfoot the Physician of Angiers of which Race there were few that liked the Ptisane but all of them were perfect lovers of the pure septembral Iuice Naso and Ovid had their Extraction from thence and all those of whom it is written Ne reminiscaris Others grew in Ears which they had so big that out of one would have been stuff enough got to make a Doublet a pair of Breeches and a Jacket whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with a Spanish Cloak and they say that in Bourbonois this Race remaineth yet And from thence they are called the Ears of Burbon Others grew in length of Body and of those came the Giants and of them Pantagruel And the first was Chalbroth who begat Sarabroth who begat Faribroth who begat Hurtali that was a brave Eater of Pottage and reigned in the time of the Elood who begat Nembroth who begat Atlas that with his Shoulders kept the Sky from falling who begat Goliah who begat Erix that invented the Hocus Pocus-Plays of Legerdemain who begat Titius who begat Eryon who begat Poliphemus who begat Cacos who begat Etion the first Man that ever had the Pox for not drinking fresh in Summer as Burtachin witnesseth who begat Enceladus who begat Ceus who begat Tiphaeus who begat Alaeus who begat Othus who begat Aegeon who begat Briareus that had an hundred Hands who begat Porphyrio who begat Adamastor who begat Anteus who begat Agatho who begat Porus against whom fought Alexander the Great who begat Aranthas who begat Cabbara that was the first Inventor of drinking of Healths who begat Goliah of Secondille who begat Offot that was terribly well-nosed for drinking at the Barrel-head who begat Artachaeus who begat Oromedon who begat Gemmagog the first Inventor of Poulan-Shoes which are open on the Foot and tied over the Instep with a Latchet who begat Sisyphus who begat the Titans of whom Hercules was born who begat Enay the most skilful Man that ever was in matter of taking the little Worms out of the Hands who begat Fierabras that was vanquished by Oliver Peer of France and Rowland's Camerade who begat Morgan the first in the World that play'd at Dice with Spectacles who begat Fracassus of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written and of him was born Ferragus who begat Hapmouche the first that ever invented the drying of Neats-Tongues in the Chimney for before that People salted them as they do now Gammons of Bacon who begat Bolivorax who begat Longis who begat Gayoffo whose Ballocks were of Poplar and his Pr of the Servise or Sorb-Apple-Tree who begat Maschefain who begat Bruslefer who begat Anâ—â—ulevent who begat Galehant the Inventor of Flagons who begat Mirelangant who begat Gallaffre who begat Salourdin who begat Roboast who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres who begat Brusbant of Mommiere who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane Peer of France who begat Mabrun who begat Foutasnon who begat Haquelebas who begat Vitdegrain who begat Grangousier who begat Gargantua who begat the noble Pantagruel my Master I know that reading this Passage you will make a doubt within your selves and that grounded upon very good Reason which is this How is it possible that this Relation can be true seeing at the time of the Flood all the World was destroyed except Noah and seven Persons more with him in the Ark into whose number Hurtali is not admitted Doubtless the Demand is well made and very apparent but the Answer shall satisfy you or my Wit is not rightly caulked and because I was not at that time to tell you any thing of my own fancy I will bring unto you the Authority of the Masorets good honest Fellows true Ballockeering Blades and exact Hebraical Bagpipers who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within the Ark of Noah neither could he get in for he was too big but he sat astride upon it with one Leg on the one side and another on the other as little Children used to do upon their wooden Horses or as the great Bull of Berne which was killed at Marinian did ride for his Hackney the great Murdering-Piece a pretty Beast of a fair and pleasant Amble without all question In that posture he after God saved the said Ark from danger for with his Legs he gave it the Brangle that was needful and with his Foot turned it whither he pleased as a Ship answereth her Rudder Those that were within sent him up Victuals in abundance by a Chimney as People very thankfully acknowledging the Good that he did them And sometimes they did talk together as Varomenippus did to Iupiter according to the report of Lucian Have you understood all this well Drink then one good draught without Water for if you believe it not No truly do I not quoth she CHAP. II. Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel GArgantua at the Age of four hundred fourscore forty and four Years begat his Son Pantagruel upon his Wife named Badebec Daughter to the King of the Amaurots in Vtopia who died in Child-birth for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the Light of the World without thus suffocating his Mother But that we may fully understand the cause and reason of the Name of Pantagruel which at his Baptism was given him you are to remark that in that Year there was so great Drought over all the Country of Afriâ—k that there past thirty and six Months three Weeks four Days thirteen Hours and a little more without Rain but with a Heat so vehement that the whole Earth was parched and withered by it Neither was
Pantagruel I will teach you to speak But first come hither and tell me whence thou art To this the Scholar answered The primeval Origin of my Aves and Ataves was indigenary of the Lemonick Regions where requiesceth the Corpor of the Hagiotat St. Martial I understand thee very well said Pantagruel when all comes to all thou art a Limousin and thou wilt here by thy affected Speech counterfeit the Parisians Well now come hither I must shew thee a new Trick and handsomly give thee the Combfeat With this he took him by the Throat saying to him Thou flayest the Latin by St. Iohn I will make thee flay the Fox for I will now flay thee alive Then began the poor Limousin to cry Haw gwid Maaster haw Laord my Halp and St. Marshaw haw I 'm worried haw my Thropple the Bean of me Cragg is bruck haw for Guaads seck lawt me lean Mawster waw waw waw Now said Pantagruel thou speakest naturally and so let him go for the poor Limousin had totally berayed and throughly conshit his Breeches which were not deep and large but made à quâ—üe de merlus Then said Pantagruel St. Alipantiu what civette Foh foh to the Devil with this Turnep-Eater How he stinks and so let him go But this Hug of Pantagruel's was such a Terror to him all the Days of his Life and he had such a Thirst upon him that he would often cry out that Pantagruel held him by the Throat And after some few Years he died of the Death Roland a Work of Divine Vengeance shewing us that which saith the Philosopher and Aulus Gellius that it becometh us to speak according to the common Language and that we should as said Octavian Augustus shun all strange Words with as much Care as Pilots of Ships avoid the Rocks in the Sea CHAP. VII How Pantagruel came to Paris and of the choice Books of the Library of St. Victor AFter that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans he resolved to see the great University of Paris but before his Departure he was informed that there was a huge big Bell at St. Anian in the said Town of Orleans under the Ground which had been there above two hundred and fourteen Years for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much as above the Ground although they used all the means that are found in Vitruvius de Architectura Albertus de re aedificatoria Euclid Theon Archimedes and Hero de ingeniis for all that was to no purpose Wherefore condescending heartily to the humble Request of the Citizens and Inhabitants of the said Town he determined to remove it to the Tower that was erected for it With that he came to the Place where it was and lifted it out of the Ground with his little Finger as easily as you would have done a Hawk's Bell But before he would carry it to the foresaid Tower he would needs make some Musick with it about the Town and ring it alongst all the Streets as he carried it in his Hand wherewith all the People were very glad but there happened one great Inconveniency for with carrying it so and ringing it about the Streets all the good Orleans Wine turned instantly and was spoiled which no Body there did perceive till the Night following for every Man found himself so a dry with drinking these flat Wines that they did nothing but spit and that as white as Maltha Cotton saying We have got the Pantagruel and our very Throats are salted This done he came to Paris with his Retinue and at his entry every one came out to see him as you know well enough that the People of Paris are Sots by Nature by B flat and B sharp and beheld him with great Astonishment mixed with no less Fear that he would carry away the Palace into some other Country à remotis as his Father formerly had done the great Bells at our Ladies Church to tie about his Mare 's Neck Now after he had stayed there a pretty space and studied very well in all the seven Liberal Arts he said it was a good Town to live in but not to die there for that the Grave-digging Rogues of St. Innocent used in frosty Nights to warm their Bums with dead Mens Bones In his abode there he found the Library of St. Victor very magnificent especially in some Books which were there of which followeth the Catalogue Et primò The for Godsake of Salvation The Cod-piece of the Law The Slip-shoe of the Decretals The Pomegranate of Vice The Clew-bottom of Theology The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers Composed by Turlupin The churning Ballock of the Valiant The Henbane of the Bishops Marmoretus de baboonis apis cum Commento Dorbellis Decretum Vniversitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum ad placitum The Apparition of Sancte Geltrud to a Nun of Poissie being in travel at the bringing forth of a Child Ars honestè fartandi in societate per Marcum Corvinum The Mustard-pot of Penance The Gamashes alià s the Boots of Patience Formicarium Artium De brodiorum usu honestate Chopinandi per Sylvestrem prioratem Jacobinum The Coosened or Gulled in Court The Frail of the Scriveners The Marriage-packet The Cruzie or Crucible of Contemplation The Flimflams of the Law The Prickle of Wine The Spurre of Cheese Ruboffatorium scolarium Tartaretus de modo cacandi The Bravades of Rome Bricot de differentiis souparum The Tail-piece Cushion or Close-Breech of Discipline The cobbled Shoe of Humility The Trevet of good Thoughts The Kettle of Magnanimity The cavilling Intanglements of Confessors The Knachfare of the Curates Reverendi patris fratris Lubini provincialis Bavardia de croquendis lardonibus libri tres Pasquilli doctoris marmorei de capreolis cum chardoneta comedendis tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto The Invention of the Holy Cross personated by six wilie Priests The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome Majoris de modo faciendi Puddinos The Bag-pipe of the Prelates Beda de optimitate triparum The Complaint of the Barresters upon the Reformation of Confites The furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys Of Pease and Bacon cum Commento The small Vales or drinking Money of the Indulgences Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre pilloti c. Raque denari de bobelinandis glassaccursianae Triflis repetitio enucidiluculissima Stratagemata francharchaeri de Baniolet Carlbumpkinus de re militari cum figuris Tevoti De usu utilitate flayandi equos equas authore Magistro nostro de quebecu The Sawciness of Country-Stuarts M. N. Rostocostojan Bedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda libri quatuor decim apostillati per M. Vaurillonis The Covillage or Ballock-Money of Promooters Quaestio subtilissima utrum Chimaera in vacuo bombistans posset comedere secundas intentiones fuit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi The Bridle-champer of the Advocates Smutchudlamenta
from Toe to Top with Belly-furniture of the Soles of good Venison-pasties to go see how my Grape-gatherers and Vintagers had pinked and cut full of small Holes their high Coped-caps to lecher it the better and play at in and in And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the Fair in so far that many trained Bow-men were cast at the Muster and quite rejected although the Chimney-tops were high enough according to the proportion of the Windgalls and the Malaunders Lamibaudichon And by this means there was that Year great abundance throughout all the Country of Artois of tawny buzzing Beetles to the no small profit of the Gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers when they did eat without disdaining the Cocklicranes till their Belly was like to crack with it again As for my part such is my Christian Charity towards my Neighbours that I could wish from my Heart every one had as good a Voice it would make us play the better at the Tennis and the Baloon And truly my Lord to express the real Truth without Dissimulation I cannot but say that those petty subtile Devices which are found out in the etymologizing of Patins would descend more easily into the River of Seine to serve for ever at the Millers-Bridg as it was heretofore decreed by the King of the Canarrians which is to be seen in the Registry and Records within the Clerks Office of this House And therefore my Lord I do most humbly require that by your Lordship there may be said and declared upon the Case what is reasonable with Costs Damages and Interest Then said Pantagruel My Friend is this all you have to say Kissebreech answered Yes my Lord for I have told all the tuautem and have not varied at all upon mine Honour in so much as one single word You then said Pantagruel my Lord of Suckfist say what you will and be brief without omitting nevertheless any thing that may serve to the purpose CHAP. XII How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel THen began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth My Lord and you my Masters if the Iniquity of Men were as easily seen in categorical Judgment as we can discern Flies in a Milk-pot the World 's four Oxen had not been so eaten up with Rats nor had so many Ears upon the Earth been nibbled away so scurvily For although all that my Adversary hath spoken be of Down in so much as concerns the Letter and History of the Factum yet nevertheless the Subtilties the Fineness the little sly Intanglements are hid under the Rose-pot Should I endure that when I am eating my Pottage equal with the best and that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill they rudely come to vex trouble and perplex my Brains ringing in my Ears that old Jingle He that will in his Pottage drink When he is dead shall not see one Wink And good Lady how many great Captains have we seen in the Day of Battel when in open field the Sacrament was distributed in Lunchions of the sanctified Bread of the Confraternity the more honestly to nod their Heads play on the Lute crack with their Tails and make pretty little platform Leaps But now the World is unshackled from the Corners of the Packs of Leicester one flies out lewdly and becomes debauch'd another likewise five four and two and that at such random that if the Court take not some course therein it will make as bad a Season in matter of Gleaning this Year as ever it made or it will make Goblets If any poor Creature go to the Stoves to illuminate his Muzzle with a Cow-shard or to buy Winter-boots and that the Serjeants passing by or those of the Watch happen to receive the Decoction of a Clyster or the fecal Matter of a Close-stool upon their Rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping Masterships should any because of that make bold to clip the Shillings and Testers and fry the wooden Dishes Sometimes when we think one thing God does another and when the Sun is set all Beasts are in the Shade Let me never be believed again if I do not gallantly prove it by several People that have seen the Light of the Day In the Year thirty and six buying a Dutch Curtail which was a middle siz'd Horse both high and short of a Wool good enough and died in Grain as the Gold-smiths assured me although the Notary put an c. in it I told really that I was not a Clerk of so much Learning as to snatch at the Moon with my Teeth but as for the Butter-firkin where Vulcanian's Deeds and Evidences were sealed the Rumour was and the Report thereof went currant that Salt-Beef will make one find the way to the Wine without a Candle though it were hid in the bottom of a Collier's Sack and that with his Drawers on he were mounted on a barbed Horse furnished with a Fronstal and such Arms Thighs and Leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of a swaggering Sawciness Here is a Sheep's Head and it is well they make a Proverb of this that it is good to see black Cows in burnt Wood when one attains to the Enjoyment of his Love I had a Consultation upon this Point with my Masters the Clerks who for Resolution concluded in frisesomorum that there is nothing like to mowing in the Summer and sweeping clean away in Water well garnished with Paper Ink Pens and Pen-knives of Lions upon the River of Rosne dolopym dolop of tarabin tarabas tut prut pish for incontinently after that Armour begins to smell of Garlick the Rust will go near to eat the Liver not of him that wears it and then do they nothing else but withstand others Courses and wry-neckedly set up their Bristles against one another in lightly passing over their Afternoon's Sleep and this is that which maketh Salt so dear My Lords believe not when the said good Woman had with Birdlime caught the shovelar Fowl the better before a Serjeant's Witness to deliver the younger Son's Portion to him that the Sheep's Pluck or Hog's Haslet did dodg and shrink back in the Usurers Purses or that there could be any thing better to preserve one from the Cannibals than to take a Rope of Onions knit with three hundred Turneps and a little of a Calf's Chaldern of the best Allay that the Alchymists have and that they lute and calcine these Pantoffles muf in muf out Mouflin mouflard with the fine Sauce of the Juice of the Rabble-rout whilst they hide themselves in some petty Moldwarp-hole saving always the Bacon Now if the Dice will not favour you with any other Throw but Ambesace and the Chance of three at the great end mark well the Ace then take me your Dame settle her in a Corner of the Bed and whisk me her up drille trille there there then a hearty Draught of the best despicando grenovillibus in despight of the Frogs whose fair course bebuskined Stockins
and store of Spiceries to put the old Women in rut and heat of Lust. To be short they occupied all like good Souls only to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured I caused their Heads to be put within a Bag to hide their Face Besides all this I have lost a great deal in Suits of Law And what Law-Suits couldst thou have said I thou hast neither House nor Lands My Friend said he the Gentlewomen of this City had found out by the instigation of the Devil of Hell a manner of high-mounted Gorgets and Neckerchiefs for Women which did so closely cover their Bosoms that Men could no more put their Hands under for they had put the Slit behind and those Neckcloths were wholly shut before whereat the poor sad contemplative Lovers were much discontented Upon a fair Tuesday I presented a Petition to the Court making my self a Party against the said Gentlewomen and shewing the great Interest that I pretended therein protesting that by the same reason I would cause the Cod-piece of my Breeches to be sowed behind if the Court would not take order for it In sum the Gentlewomen put in their Defences shewed the Grounds they went upon and constituted their Attorney for the prosecuting of the Cause but I pursued them so vigorously that by a Sentence of the Court it was decreed those high Neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a little cleft and open before but it cost me a good Sum of Money I had another very filthy and beastly Process against Master Fohfoh and his Deputies that they should no more read privily the Pipe Punehon nor quart of Sentences but in fair full-day and that in the Fodder-Schools in face of the Arrian Sophisters where I was ordained to pay the Charges by reason of some Clause mistaken in the Relation of the Serjeant Another time I framed a Complaint to the Court against the Mules of the Presidents Counsellors and others tending to this purpose that when in the lower Court of the Palace they left them to champ on their Bridles some Bibs might be made for them that with their Drivelling they might not spoil the Pavement to the end that the Pages of the Palace might play upon it at Dice or Coxbody at their own ease without spoiling their Breeches at the Knees And for this I had a fair Decree but it cost me dear Now reckon up what Expence I was at in little Banquets which from Day to Day I made to the Pages of the Palace And to what end said I My Friend said he thou hast no pass-time at all in this World I have more than the King and if thou wilt join thy self with me we will do the Devil together No no said I by St. Adauras that will I not for thou wilt be hanged one time or another And thou said he wilt be interred sometime or other Now which is most honourable the Air or the Earth Ho grosse Pecore Whilst the Pages are at their Banqueting I keep their Mules and to some one I cut the Stirrup-leather of the Mounting side till it hang but by a thin Strap or Thread that when the great Puff-guts of the Counsellor or some other hath taken his Swing to get up he may fall flat on his Side like a Pork and so furnish the Spectators with more than a hundred Francks worth of Laughter But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming the Master-page is to be whipp'd like green Rie which makes me not to repent what I have bestowed in feasting them In brief he had as I said before threescore and three Ways to acquire Money but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it besides his Drinking CHAP XVIII How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel and was overcome by Panurge IN that same time a certain learned Man named Thaumast hearing the Fame and Renown of Pantagruel's incomparable Knowledg came out of his own Countrey of England with an Intent only to see him to try thereby and prove whether his Knowledg in Effect was so great as it was reported to be In this Resolution being arrived at Paris he went forthwith unto the House of Pantagruel who was lodged in the Palace of St. Denys and was then walking in the Garden with Panurge philosophizing after the Fashion of the Peripateticks At his first Entrance he startled and was almost out of his Wits for Fear seeing him so great and so tall then did he salute him courteously as the Manner is and said unto him Very true it is saith Plato the Prince of Philosophers that if the Image of Knowledg and Wisdom were corporeal and visible to the Eyes of Mortals it would stir up all the World to admire her Which we may the rather believe that the very bare Report thereof scattered in the Air if it happen to be received into the Ears of Men who for being studious and Lovers of vertuous things are called Philosophers doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in Quiet but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the Place where the Person is in whom the said Knowledg is said to have built her Temple and uttered her Oracles as it was manifestly shewn unto us in the Queen of Sheba who came from the utmost Borders of the East and Persian Sea to see the Order of Solomon's House and to hear his Wisdom In Anacharsis who came out of Scythia even unto Athens to see Solon In Pythagoras who travelled far to visit the Memphitical Vaticinators In Platon who went a great way off to see the Magicians of Egypt and Architas of Tarentum In Apollonius Tianeus who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus passed along the Scythians the Massagetes the Indians and sailed over the great River Phison even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchas As likewise unto Babylon Chaldea Media Assyria Parthia Syria Phaenicia Arabia Palestina and Alexandria even unto Aethiopia to see the Gymnosophists The like Example have we of Titus Livius whom to see and hear divers studious Persons came to Rome from the Confines of France and Spain I dare not reckon my self in the Number of those so excellent Persons but well would be called studious and a Lover not only of Learning but of learned Men also And indeed having heard the Report of your so inestimable Knowledg I have left my Country my Friends my Kindred and my House and am come thus far valuing at nothing the length of the Way the Tediousness of the Sea nor Strangeness of the Land and that only to see you and to confer with you about some Passages in Philosophy of Geomancie and of the Cabalistick Art whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my Mind which if you can resolve I yield my self unto you for a Slave henceforward together with all my Posterity for other Gift have I none that I can esteem a Recompence sufficient for so great a Favour
took the Prisoner to him and sent him away saying Go thou unto thy King in his Camp and tell him Tidings of what thou hast seen and let him resolve to feast me to Morrow about Noon for as soon as my Galleys shall come which will be to Morrow at farthest I will prove unto him by eighteen hundred Thousand fighting Men and seven thousand Giants all of them greater than I am that he hath done foolishly and against Reason thus to invade my Country wherein Pantagruel feigned that he had an Army at Sea But the Prisoner answered That he would yield himself to be his Slave and that he was content never to return to his own People but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them and for God's sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do Whereunto Pantagruel would not give Consent but commanded him to depart thence speedily and be gone as he had told him and to that Effect gave him a Box full of Euphorbium together with some Grains of the black Chameleon Thistle steeped in Aqua vitae and made up into the Condiment of a wet Sucket commanding him to carry it to his King and to say unto him that if he were able to eat one Ounce of that without drinking after it he might then be able to resist him without any Fear or Apprehension of Danger The Prisoner then besought him with joint Hands that in the Hour of the Battel he would have Compassion upon him Whereat Pantagruel said unto him After that thou hast delivered all unto the King put thy whole Confidence in God and he will not forsake thee Because although for my Part I be mighty as thou mayst see and have an infinite Number of Men in Arms I do nevertheless trust neither in my Force nor in mine Industry but all my Confidence is in God my Protector who doth never forsake those that in him do put their Trust and Confidence This done the Prisoner requested him that he would be contented with some reasonable Composition for his Ransom To which Pantagruel answered that his End was not to rob nor ransom Men but to enrich them and reduce them to total Liberty Go thy way said he in the Peace of the living God and never follow evil Company lest some Mischief befal thee The Prisoner being gone Pantagruel said to his Men Gentlemen I have made this Prisoner believe that we have an Army at Sea as also that we will not assault them till to Morrow at Noon to the end that they doubting of the great Arrival of our Men may spend this Night in providing and strengthning themselves but in the mean time my Intention is that we charge them about the Hour of the first Sleep Let us leave Pantagruel here with his Apostles and speak of King Anarchus and his Army When the Prisoner was come he went unto the King and told him how there was a great Giant come called Pantagruel who had overthrown and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and fifty nine Horsemen and he alone escaped to bring the News Besides that he was charged by the said Giant to tell him that the next Day about Noon he must make a Dinner ready for him for at that Hour he was resolved to set upon him Then did he give him that Box wherein were those Confitures but as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them he was taken with such a Heat in the Throat together with an Ulceration in the Flap of the Top of the Wind-pipe that his Tongue peel'd with it in such Sort that for all they could do unto him he found no Ease at all but by drinking only without Cessation for as soon as ever he took the Goblet from his Head his Tongue was on a Fire and therefore they did nothing but still pour in Wine into his Throat with a Funnel Which when his Captains Bashaws and Guard of his Body did see they tasted of the same Drugs to try whether on them they would have the same Operation or no but it so befel them as it had done their King and they plied the Flagon so well that the Noise ran throughout all the Camp how the Prisoner was returned that the next Day they were to have an Assault that the King and his Captains did already prepare themselves for it together with his Guards and that with carowsing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could Every Man therefore in the Army began to tipple ply the Pot swill and guzzle till in fine they fell asleep like Pigs all out of Order throughout the whole Camp Let us now return to the good Pantagruel and relate how he carried himself in this Business Departing from the Place of the Trophies he took the Mast of their Ship in his Hand like a Pilgrim's Staff and put within the Top of it two hundred and thirty seven Punchions of White-wine of Anjou the rest was of Rowen and tied up to his Girdle the Bark all full of Salt as easily as the Lanskennets carry their little Panniers and so set onward on his way with his Fellow-souldiers When he was come near to the Enemies Camp Panurge said unto him Sir if you would do well let down this White-wine of Anjou from the Scuttle of the Mast of the Ship that we may all drink thereof like Britains Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented and they drank so neat that there was not so much as one poor Drop left of two hundred and thirty seven Punchions except one leathern Bottle of Tours which Panurge filled for himself for he called that his Vade mecum and some scurvy Lees of Wine in the bottom which served him in stead of Vinegar After they had whitled and curried the Can pretty handsomly Panurge gave Pantagruel to eat some devilish Drugs compounded of Lithotripton Nephrocatarticon the Marmalade of Quinces with Cantharides and other Diureticks This done Pantagruel said to Carpalin Go into the City scrambling like a Cat up against the Wall as you can well do and tell them that now presently they come out and charge their Enemies as rudely as they can and having said so come down taking a lighted Torch with you wherewith you shall set on fire all the Tents and Pavilions in the Camp then cry as loud as you are able with your great Voice and then come away from thence Yea but said Carpalin were it not good to nail all their Ordnance No no said Pantagruel only blow up all their Powder Carpalin obeying him departed suddenly and did as he was appointed by Pantagruel and all the Combatants came forth that were in the City And when he had set fire in the Tents and Pavilions he pass'd so lightly through them and so highly and profoundly did they snort and sleep that they never perceived him He came to the Place where their Artillery was and set their Munition on fire but here was the Danger the Fire was so sudden
opining there you may give your Opinion faithfully of the Substance Colour excellent Odour Eminency Propriety Faculty Vertue and effectual Dignity of the said blessed and desired Liquor If you have not seen him as I am easily induced to believe that you have not at least you have heard some talk of him For through the Air and the whole extent of this Hemisphere of the Heavens hath his Report and Fame even until this present time remained very memorable and renowned Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian Blood if I be not deceived if you have not so many Crowns as Midas had yet have you something I know not what of him which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their Otacusts and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine and gave occasion thereafter to the Basilisco at Rohan to be Surnamed Goodly ears If you have not heard of him I will presently tell you a Story to make your Wine relish Drink then so to the purpose hearken now whilst I give you notice to the end that you may not like Infidels be by your simplicity abused that in his time he was a rare Philosopher and the chearfullest of a thousand If he had some Imperfection so have you so have we for there is nothing but God that is perfect Yet so it was that by Alexander the Great although he had Aristotle for his Instructor and Domestick was he held in such Estimation that he wish'd if he had not been Alexander to have been Diogenes the Sinopian When Philip King of Macedon enterprised the Siege and Ruine of Corinth the Corinthians having received certain Intelligence by their Spies that he with a numerous Army in Battel Rank was coming against them were all of them not without cause most terribly afraid and therefore were not neglective of their Duty in doing their best Endeavours to put themselves in a fit posture to resist his Hostile Approach and defend their own City Some from the Fields brought into the Fortify'd Places their Moveables Bestial Corn Wine Fruit Victuals and other necessary Provision Others did fortify and rampire their Walls set up little Fortresses Bastions squared Ravelins digged Trenches cleansed Countermines fenced themselves with Gabions contrived Platforms emptied Casemates barricado'd the false Brayes erected the Cavalliers repaired the Contrescarfes plaister'd the Courtines lengthned Ravelins stopped Parapets mortaised Barbacans assured the Port-culleys fastned the Herses Sarasinesks and Cataracks placed their Centries and doubled their Patrouille Every one did watch and ward and not one was exempted from carrying the Basket Some polish'd Corselets varnished Backs and Breasts clean'd the Head-pieces Mail-Coats Brigandins Salads Helmets Murrions Jacks Gushets Gorgets Hoguines Brassars and Cuissars Corseletts Haubergeons Shields Bucklers Targuets Greves Gantlets and Spurs Others made ready Bows Slings Cross-bows Pellets Catapults Migrames or Fire-balls Firebrands Balists Scorpions and other such Warlike Engines expugnatorie and destructive to the Hellepolists They sharpned and prepared Spears Staves Pikes Brownâ—Bills Halberts Long Hooks Lances Zagages Quarterstaves Eelspears Partisans Troutstaves Clubs Battle-axes Maces Darts Dartlets Glaves Javelins Javelots and Trunchions They set Edges upon Cimeters Cutlasses Badelans Back-swords Tucks Rapiers Bayonets Arrow-heads Dags Daggers Mandousians Poigniards Whinyards Knives Skenes Sables Chipping Knives and Raillons Every Man exercis'd his Weapon every Man scowred off the Rust from his natural Hanger Nor was there a Woman amongst them tho' never so reserv'd or old who made not her Harnish to be well furbished as you know the Corinthian Women of old were reputed very couragious Combatants Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work and himself not employed by the Magistrates in any business whatsoever he did very seriously for many days together without speaking one Word consider and contemplate the Countenance of his Fellow-Citizens Then on a sudden as if he had been roused up and inspired by a Martial Spirit he girded his Cloak scarf-ways about his Left Arm tucked up his Sleeves to the Elbow trussed himself like a Clown gathering Apples and giving to one of his old Acquaintance his Wallet Books and Opistrographs away went he out of Town towards a little Hill or Promontory of Corinth called Cranie and there on the Strand a pretty level place did he roul his Jolly Tub which serv'd him for an House to shelter him from the Injuries of the Weather There I say in a great Vehemency of Spirit did he turn it veer it wheel it whirl it frisk it jumble it shuffle it huddle it tumble it hurry it joult it justle it overthrow it evert it invert it subvert it overturn it beat it thwack it bump it batter it knock it thrust it push it jert it shock it shake it toss it throw it overthrow it up-side down topsiturvy arsiturvy tread it trample it stamp it tap it ting it ring it tingle it towl it sound it resound it stop it shut it unbung it close it unstopple it And then again in a mighty bustle he bandy'd it slubber'd it hack'd it whitled it way'd it darted it hurled it stagger'd it reel'd it swing'd it brangled it totter'd it lifted it heaved it transformed it transfigur'd it transpos'd it transplaced it reared it raised it hoised it washed it dighted it cleansed it rinced it nailed it setled it fastned it shackled it fetter'd it level'd it block'd it tugg'd it tew'd it carry'd it bedash'd it beray'd it parch'd it mounted it broach'd it nick'd it notch'd it bespatter'd it deck'd it adorn'd it trimmed it garnished it gaged it furnish'd it boar'd it pierc'd it trap'd it rumbled it slid it down the Hill and precipitated it from the very height of the Cranie then from the foot to the top like another Sisyphus with his Stone bore it up again and every way so bang'd it and belabour'd it that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the bottom of it out Which when one of his Friends had seen and asked him why he did so toil his Body perplex his Spirit and torment his Tub The Philosopher's Answer was That not being employed in any other Charge by the Republick he thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his Tub that amongst a People so fervently busie and earnest at work he alone might not seem a loytering Slug and lasie Fellow To the same purpose may I say of my self Tho I be rid from Fear I am not void of Care For perceiving no Account to be made of me towards the Discharge of a Trust of any great Concernment and considering that through all the parts of this most noble Kingdom of France both on this and on the other side of the Mountains every one is most diligently exercised and busied some in the fortifying of their own Native Country for its Defence others in the repulsing of their Enemies by an Offensive War and all this with a Policy so excellent and such admirable Order so manifestly profitable for the future whereby
sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great Renown of the good Pantagruel Remark therefore here honest Drinkers that the manner of preserving and retaining Countries newly Conquered in Obedience is not as hath been the Erronious Opinion of some Tyrannical Spirits to their own Detriment and Dishonour to pillage plunder force spoil trouble oppress vex disquiet ruine and destroy the People ruling governing and keeping them in awe with Rods of Iron and in a word eating and devouring them after the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked King 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that is to say a Devourer of his People I will not bring you to this purpose the Testimony of Ancient Writers it shall suffice to put you in mind of what your Fathers have seen thereof and your selves too if you be not very Babes New-born they must be given suck to rocked in a Cradle and dandled Trees newly planted must be supported underpropped strengthened and defended against all Tempests Mischiefs Injuries and Calamities And one lately saved from a long and dangerous Sickness and new upon his Recovery must be forborn spared and cherished in such sort that they may harbour in their own Breasts this Opinion that there is not in the World a King or a Prince who does not desire fewer Enemies and more Friends Thus Osiris the great King of the Egyptians conquered almost the whole Earth not so much by Force of Arms as by easing the People of their Troubles teaching them how to live well and honestly giving them good Laws and using them with all possible Affability Curtesie Gentleness and Liberality Therefore was he by all Men deservedly Entituled The Great King Evergetes that is to say Benefactor which Style he obtained by vertue of the Command of Iupiter to Pamyla And in effect Hesiod in his Hierarchy placed the good Demons call them Angels if you will or Geniuses as Intercessors and Mediators betwixt the Gods and Men they being of a degree inferiour to the Gods but superiour to Men and for that through their Hands the Riches and Benefits we get from Heaven are dealt to us and that they are continually doing us good and still protecting us from evil He saith that they exercise the Offices of Kings because to do always good and never ill is an Act most singularly Royal. Just such another was the Emperor of the Universe Alexander the Macedonian After this manner was Hercules Sovereign Possessor of the whole Continent relieving Men from monstrous Oppressions Exactions and Tyrannies governing them with Discretion maintaining them in Equity and Justice instructing them with seasonable Policies and wholsom Laws convenient for and suitable to the Soil Climate and Disposition of the Country supplying where was wanting abating what was superfluous and pardoning all that was past with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all preceding Offences as was the Amnestie of the Athenians when by the Prowess Valour and Industry of Thrasybulus the Tyrants were exterminated afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed and renewed under the Emperor Aurelian These are the Philtres Allurements Iynges Inveiglements Baits and Enticements of Love by the means whereof that may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired Nor can a Conqueror Reign more happily whether he be a Monarch Emperor King Prince or Philosopher than by making his Justice to second his Valour His Valour shows it self in Victory and Conquest his Iustice will appear in the good Will and Affection of the People when he maketh Laws publisheth Ordinances establisheth Religion and doth what is right to every one as the noble Poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus Victorque volentes Per populos dat jura Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good Prince and great King 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that is The Ornament of the People Such was the Consideration of Numa Pompilius the Second King of the Romans a just Politician and wise Philosopher when he ordained that to God Terminus on the day of his Festival called Terminales nothing should be Sacrificed that had died teaching us thereby that the Bounds Limits and Frontiers of Kingdoms should be guarded and preserved in Peace Amity and Meekness without polluting our Hands with Blood and Robbery Who doth otherways shall not only lose what he hath gained but also be loaded with this Scandal and Reproach That he is an unjust and wicked Purchaser and his Acquests perish with him Iuxta illud malae parta male dilabuntur And although during his whole Life-time he should have peaceable possession thereof yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the Hands of his Heirs the same Opproby Scandal and Imputation will be charged upon the Defunct and his Memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable Conquest Iuxta illud de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres Remark likewise Gentlemen you Gouty Feoffees in this main Point worthy of your Observation how by these means Pantagruel of one Angel made two which was a Contingency opposite to the Council of Charlemaine who made two Devils of one when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders and the Flemins into Saxony For not being able to keep in such Subjection the Saxons whose Dominion he had joyned to the Empire but that ever and anon they would break forth into open Rebellion if he should casually be drawn into Spain or other remote Kingdoms He caused them to be brought unto his own Country of Flanders the Inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him and transported the Haynaults and Flemens his ancient loving Subjects into Saxony not mistrusting their Loyalty now that they were transplanted into a strange Land But it hapned that the Saxons persisted in their Rebellion and primitive Obstinacy and the Flemins dwelling in Saxony did imbibe the stubborn Manners and Conditions of the Saxons CHAP. II. How Panurge was made Laird of Salmygoudin in Dypsodie and did waste his Revenue before it came in WHilst Pantagruel was giving Order for the Government of all Dypsodie he assigned to Panurge the Lairdship of Salmygoudin which was yearly worth 6789106789 Ryals of certain Rent besides the uncertain Revenue of the Locusts and Periwinkles amounting one year with another to the value of 435768 or 2435769 French Crowns of Berry Sometimes it did amount to 1230554321 Seraphs when it was a good Year and that Locusts and Periwinkles were in request but that was not every Year Now his Worship the new Laird husbanded this his Estate so providently well and prudently that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated all the certain and uncertain Revenue of his Lairdship for three whole Years Yet did not he properly dilapidate it as you might say in founding of Monasteries building of Churches erecting of Colledges and setting up of Hospitals or casting his Bacon-Flitches to the Dogs but spent it in a thousand little Banquets and jolly Collations keeping open House for all Comers and Goers yea to all good Fellows young Girls and pretty
be of a deeper reach of Understanding than is either customary to the Country wherein she liveth or to the Sex whereof she is What hindrance hurt or harm doth the laudable desire of Knowledge bring to any Man were it from a Sot a Pot a Fool a Stool a Winter Mittam a Truckle for a Pully the Lid of a Goldsmiths Crucible an Oil-Bottle or old Slipper You may remember to have read or heard at least that Alexander the Great immediately after his having obtained a glorious Victory over the King Darius in Arbeles refused in the Presence of the splendid and illustrious Courtiers that were about him to give Audience to a poor certain despicable-like Fellow who through the Soilicitations and Mediatioâ— of some of his Royal Attendants was admitted humbly to beg that Grace and Favour of him But sore did he repent although in vain a thousand and ten thousand times thereafter the surly State which he then took upon him to the Denial of so just a Suit the Grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a Brace of potent Cities He was indeed Victorious in Persia but withal so far distant from Macedonia his Hereditary Kingdom that the Joy of the one did not expel the extream Grief which through occasion of the other he had inwardly conceived for not being able with all his Power to find or invent a convenient Mean and Expedient how to get or come by the certainty of any News from thence both by reason of the huge remoteness of the places from one to another as also because of the impeditive Interposition of many great Rivers the interjacent Obstacle of divers wild Deserts and obstructive Interjection of sundry almost inaccessible Mountains Whilst he was in this sad quandary and sollicitous pensiveness which you may suppose could not be of a small Vexation to him considering that it was a matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole Native Soil possess his Country seize on his Kingdom install a new King in the Throne and plant thereon Foreign Colonies long before he could come to have any Advertisement of it For obviating the Jeopardy of so dreadful Inconveniency and putting a fit Remedy thereto a certain Sydonian Merchant of a low Stature but high Fancy very poor in shew and to the outward appearance of little or no Account having presented himself before him went about to affirm and declare that he had excogitated and hit upon a ready mean and way by the which those of his Territories at home should come to the certain notice of his Indian Victories and himself be perfectly informed of the state and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within less then five days Whereupon the said Alexander plunged into a sullen Animadvertency of mind through his rash Opinion of the Improbability of performing a so strange and impossible-like Undertaking dismissed the Merchant without giving ear to what he had to say and villify'd him What could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest Man had invented and contrived for his good What Detriment Annoyance Damage or Loss could he have undergone to listen to the Discovery of that Secret which the good Fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him Nature I am perswaded did not without a cause frame our Eyes open putting thereto no Gate at all nor shutting them up with any manner of Inclosures as she hath done unto the Tongue the Eyes and other such out-jetting parts of the Body The Cause as I imagine is to the end that every Day and every Night and that â—ontinually we may be ready to hear and by a perpetual hearing apt to learn For of all the Senses it is the fittest for the reception of the knowledge of Arts Sciences and Disciplines and it may be that Man was an Angel that is to say a Messenger sent from God as Raphael was to Toby Too suddenly did he contemn despise and misregard him but too long thereafter by an untimely and too late Repentance did he do Pennance for it You say very well answered Epistemon yet shall you never for all that induce me to believe that it can tend any way to the Advantage or Commodity of a Man to take Advice and Counsel of a Woman namely of such a Woman and the Woman of such a Country Truly I have found quoth Panurge a great deal of good in the Counsel of Women chiefly in that of the Old Wives amongst them who for every time I consult with them I readily get a Stool or two extraordinary to the great Solace of my Bum-gut passage They are as Slothounds in the Infallibility of their Scent and in their Sayings no less Sententious than the Rubricks of the Law Therefore in my Conceit it is not an improper kind of Speech to call them Sage or Wise Women In confirmation of which Opinion of mine the customary style of my Language alloweth them the Denomination of Presage Women The Epithet of Sage is due unto them because they are surpassing dextrous in the knowledge of most things· And I give them the Title of Presage for that they Divinely foresee and certainly foretel future Contingencies and Events of things to come Sometimes I call them not Maunettes but Monettes from their wholsom Monitions Whether it be so ask Pythagoras Socrates Empedocles and our Master Ortuinus I furthermore praise and commend above the Skies the ancient memorable Institution of the pristine Germans who ordained the Responces and Documents of Old Women to be highly extolled most cordially reverenced and prised at a rate in nothing inferiour to the weight test and standerd of the Sanctuary And as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of these sound Advices so by honouring and following them did they prove no less fortunate in the happy Success of all their Endeavours Witness the Old Wife Antinia and the good Mother Villed in the days of Vespasian You need not any way doubt but that Feminine Old Age is always fructifying in Qualities Sublime I would have said Sibylline Let us go by the help let us go by the Vertue God let us go Farewel Friar Iohn I recommend the care of my Codpiece to you Well quoth Epistemon I will follow you with this protestation nevertheless that if I happen to get a sure information or otherways find that she doth use any kind of Charm or Enchantment in her Responses it may not be imputed to me for a blame to leave you at the Gate of her House without accompanying you any further in CHAP. XVII How Panurge spoke to the Sybil of Panzoust THeir Voyage was three days Journeying on the third whereof was shewn unto them the House of the Vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a Hill under a large and spacious Walnut-Tree Without great difficulty they entred into that straw-thatch'd Cottage scurvily built naughtily movabled and all besmoaked It matters not quoth Epistemon Heraclitus the grand Scotist and tenebrous darksome
set up in the Fabrick thereof to such an apt and convenient heighth that from the Parapet above the Portcullis they thought with Stones and Leavers to beat off and drive away such as should approach thereto When Caesar had understood that the chief Defence of those within the Castle did consist in Stones and Clubs and that it was not an easie matter to sling hurl dart throw or cast them so far as to hinder the Approaches he forthwith commanded his Men to throw great store of Bavins Faggots and Fascines round about the Castle and when they had made the Heap of a competent height to put them all in a fair Fire which was thereupon incontinently done the Fire put amidst the Faggots was so great and so high that it covered the whole Castle that they might well imagine the Tower would thereby be altogether burnt to Dust and demolished Nevertheless contrary to all their Hopes and Expectations when the Flame ceased and that the Faggots were quite burnt and consumed the Tower appeared as whole sound and entire as ever Caesar after a serious Consideration had thereof commanded a Compass to be taken without the distance of a Stone Cast from the Castle round about it there with Ditches and Entrenchments to form a Blockade which when the Loringians understood they rendred themselves upon Terms And then by a Relation from them it was that Caesar learned the admirable Nature and Vertue of this Wood which of it self produceth neither Fire Flame nor Coal and would therefore in regard of that rare Quality of Incombustibility have been admitted into this Rank and Degree of a true Pantagruelional Plant and that so much the rather for that Pantagruel directed that all the Gates Doors Angiports Windows Gutters frettized and embowed Seelings Cans and other whatsoever wooden Furniture in the Abby of Theleme should be all materiated of this kind of Timber He likeways caused to cover therewith the Sterns Stems Cook-rooms or Laps Hatches Decks Coursies Bends and Walls of his Carricks Ships Gallioons Galays Brigantins Foysts Frigates Crears Barks Floyts Pinks Pinnaces Huys Catches Capers and other Vessels of his Thalassian Arcenal were it not that the Wood or Timber of the Larch-tree being put within a large and ample Furnace full of huge vehemently flaming Fire proceeding from the Fuel of other sorts and kinds of Wood cometh at last to be corrupted consumed dissipated and destroyed as are Stones in a Lime-kill But this Pantagruelion Asbestin is rather by the Fire renewed and cleansed than by the Flames thereof consumed or changed Therefore Arabians Indians Sabaeans Sing not in Hymns and Io Paeans Your Incense Myrrh or Ebony Come here a nobler Plant to see And carry home at any rate Some Seed that you may propagate If in your Soil it takes to Heaven A thousand thousand Thanks be given And say with France it goodly goes Where the Pantagruelion grows The End of the Third Book THE TABLE OF THE FIRST PART THE Author's Prologue Page 1. Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua Chap. 1. p. 1 The Antidoted Conundrums found in an ancient Monument ch 2. p. 5 How Gorgantua was carried eleven Months in his Mothers Belly ch 3. p 9 How Gargamelle being big with Gargantua did eat a huge deal of Tripe ch 4. p. 12 How they chirped over their Cups ch 5. p. 14 How Gargantua was born in a strange manner ch 6. p. 19 After what manner Gargantua had his Name given him and how he tipled bibbed and curried the Can. ch 7. p 23 How they apparelled Gargantua ch 8. p. 26 The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua ch 9 p. 31 Of that which is signified by the Colours White and Blew ch 10. p. 35 Of the youthful Age of Gargantua ch 11. p. 41 Of Gargantua's wooden Horses ch 12. p. 45 How Gargantua's wonderful Understanding became known to his Father Grangousier by the Invention of a Torchcul or Wipe-breech ch 13. p. 49 How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister ch 14. p. 55 How Gargantua was put under other Schoolmasters ch 15. p. 58 How Gargantua was sent to Paris and of the huge great Mare that he rode on How she destroyed the Ox-flies of the Beauce ch 16 p. 61 How Gargantua payed his Beverage to the Parisians and how he took away the great Bells of our Ladies Church ch 17. p. 64 How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great Bells ch 18. p. 67 The Harangue of Mr. Jonatus de Bragmardo for the recovery of the Bells ch 19. p. 69 How the Sophister carried away his Cloath and how he had a Suit in Law against the other Masters ch 20. p. 72 The Study of Gargantua according to the Discipline of his School-masters the Sophisters ch 21. p. 76 The Games of Gargantua ch 22. p. 80 How Gargantua was instructed by Ponnocrates and in such sort disciplinated that he lost not one hour of the day ch 23. p. 86 How Gargantua spent his time in rainy Weather ch 24. p. 97 How there was great Strife and Debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerne and those of Gargantua's Country whereupon were waged great Wars ch 25. p. 100 How the Inhabitants of Lerne by the Commandment of Picrochole their King assaulted the Shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden ch 26. p. 105 How a Monk of Sevile saved the Closs of the Abby from being ravag'd by the Enemy ch 27. p. 108 How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the Rock Clermond and of Grangousiers Unwillingness and Aversion from the Undertaking of War ch 28. p. 116 The Tenor of a Letter which Grangousier wrote to his Son Gargantua ch 29. p. 120 How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole ch 30. p. 122 The Speech made by Gallet to Picrochole ch 31. p. 123 How Grangousier to buy Peace caused the Cakes to be restored ch 32. p. 127 How some Ministers of Picrochole by hair-brain'd Counsel put him in extream danger ch 33. p. 132 How Gargantua left the City of Paris to succour his Country and how Gymnast encountred with the Enemy ch 34. p. 138 How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet and others of Picrochole's Men. ch 35. p. 141. How Gargantua demolished the Castle at the Ford of Vede and how they pass'd the Ford. ch 36. p. 145 How Gargantua in combing his Head made the great Cannon Ball fall out of his Hair ch â—7 p. 149 How Gargantua did eat up six Pilgrims in a Sallet ch 38. p. 152 How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua and of the jovial Discourse they had at Supper ch 39. p. 156 Why Monks are the Out-casts of the World and wherefore some have bigger Noses than others ch 40. p. 161 How the Monk made Gargantua sleep and of his Hours and Breviaries ch 41. p. 165 How the Monk encouraged his Fellow Champions and how he hanged upon a Tree ch 43. p. 168 How the Scouts and Fore-party of Picrochole were met with