〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Or were it that mine vnquenched thirst and desire of knowledge togither with the applausiue carriage I found in these men were the motiues to these effects I knowe not I was already fully acquainted with all the rarities of mine owne Nation and falling into a discourse of the profit of trauell with two Aliens of my neare acquaintance Peter Beroaldus a Frenchman and Adrian Cornelius Droge a Dutchman wherein wee had many delightfull passages about comparisons of languages conditions and cities at last In troth quoth Beroaldus I know not as yet what trauell meanes if hee that leaues his natiue soyle to passe but into a neighbour countrie or ouer a neighbour riuer admit it bee the Rhine or the Tweed deserue this name as vulgar opinion seemes to allow whereas hee neuer changes eyther skie ayre or soyle I see not if this bee true any profit or worth in the world contained in trauell My parents friends at Montauban haue written very often for my returne as though I were farre from them whereas I beleeue mee haue imagined my selfe all this whole two yeares at home for how little a way is it from Mount-auban to Paris from Paris to Callis from Callis to Douer Truely when I thinke of the land it seemes about an elle in the Mappe a finger-breadth in the forme of the heauens iust nothing Nor see I any reason why that France should hee held my natiue soyle more then all Europe for if you stand vpon diuersity of language how many languages I pray yee haue yee in Europe quite different from the French If the conditions of the nations mooue yee view not Europe but view the whole world and euery Prouince thereof leaning to the qualities of those that adioyne vpon it as the Polipus turnes into the colour of euery stone shee comes neere O Beroaldus quoth I againe but we do enuie at the licence you haue to contemne trauell wee wretches that like Tortoyses are bound to our owne houses whilest you haue taken suruey of all the worlds singularities and now that you are filled with their knowledge you set them at nought thus Might I but view the Snowie Alpes or the shady Pyrenes oh how much should I thinke my selfe beholding to mine eyes at my resting time when all that I had seene should turne to my benefit and store mine vnderstanding with a fresh fraught of knowledge Ah how much quoth Beroaldus doth absence promise him that would bee present and how vaine are the hopes that attend on ignorance friend when I was at home vnexperienced I thought as you do but triall hath now taught me to see mine owne simplicity A trauell of so small toyle yeelds easie satisfaction and in this your expectation shall exceede your experience in all those nouelties Forreine parts are so like ours that you cannot thinke them strange to yee though you neuer saw them before And what is there in all the knowne world which mapps and authors cannot instruct a man in as perfectly as his owne eyes your England is described by Cambden what vnderstanding man is there that cannot out of him make as perfect a description of any cittie riuer monument or wonder in all your Ile as well as if hee had viewed it in person himselfe What part of Europe is there that affoords more to a strangers eye then is related by one pen-man or other The seuerall conditions of the people are all described already as farre as eyther pen or experience can set downe but neither can giue any vniuersall knowledge The French are commonly called rash the Spaniard proud the Dutch drunken the English the busi-bands the Italians effeminate the Swethen timoroas the Bohemians inhumaine the Irish barbarous and superstitious but is any man so sottish as to thinke that France hath no staid man at all in it Spaine no meacock or Germanie none that liues soberly They are fooles beleeue it that will tie mens manners so firme vnto the starres that they will leaue nothing to a mans owne power nothing to the parents natures nothing to nurture and education View this Pernassus here whereon we liue Suppose here were a Colledge of Italians Spanish French Danes Dutch and Polacques doe you thinke to finde more varietie of dispositions in this company of Students then you may doe amongst your owne English Turne yee therefore which way yee will I cannot see how this halfe a foote trauell can benefit vs any waye excepting that wee may reape some annimation to learning by the sight of such great Schollers as Whitaker Raynolds Bellarmine Beza Iunius Lipsius and such like as those vvere Indeede I holde that your Drake and your Candish were trauellers as also Sebastian Delcano the Portughesse because their voyages put girdles about the whole world Nay I will allow Chrystopher Colono that name also for his discouerie of the West Indies Francesco Piccaro and Almagro for Peru Hernando Magellano for the Moluccaes and Sir Hugh Willoughbye for his Northren discoueries together with all such as eyther haue first found out vnknowne regions or haue brought them to order And truly I will tell you two plaine my minde doth prompt me with some noble enterprise of this kinde such as the world might gaze at and all posterity record with admiration With that hee blusht and held his peace as if he had blabd some bold secret Yea Beroaldus quoth Drogius to him dare you not speake it out doe you imagine to torture our mindes with setting them on worke vpon doubtfull inquiries or is your modest secret hetherto so closely suppressed afraide to aduenture vpon so many eares at once Nay speake what ere it bee wee haue cleere browes looke you open eares and faithfull hearts nor can your vnknowne enterprise come to light eyther vvith more securitie or fitter occasion Well Drogius well quoth Beroaldus you take my silence in no good sence but mixe it with your coniectures that though great matters neuer goe but like as Princes doe with their numerous traines with a great preamble of ambiguous tearmes yet that I should not doe so but vent a pondrous conceite a birth that my braine hath trauelld a yeare with all naked without any praemonitions In truth I resolued at the first to let you know it marry not with-out some graduall proceedings and materiall preparations without which I know well how fond the vvisest proiect doth commonly seeme but now I see my selfe chayned to a head-long discouerie mauger my beard vnlesse I should giue you iust cause to call my loue to you both in question Wherefore you shall know it sooner I assure you then I did intend but with no lesse willingnesse Onely imagine you that you haue already heard mine intended premonition It hath euer offended mee to looke vpon the Geographicall mapps and finde this Terra Australis nondum Cognita The vnknowne Southerne Continent What good spirit but would greeue at this If they know it for a
Denis wherein the soules of such as either liued too soberly or killed themselues desperately are purified by fire and there they burne vntill some of their liuing friends go in Pilgrimage to Chappell Ardent for a bottle of St. Borachios water powring that vpon their tombe they are freed I smiled at this and thought now surely I haue found the originall of Purgatorie let Abbat Odilo and his Monkes of Corunna tell mee neuer so many tales of mount Aetna and many good morrows 't is here or 't is no where Well at length we came a shore and found it a pretty sweete towne in truth to giue it the due marry it was both paued with bottles and roofed with letherne bougets I doe not remember I saw any attificer in all the towne but letherne Iack-makers and taylors for Bottle-cases so that now I saw what vtterance the Eat-alls had for their hides The reason is the men of this towne and country vse no pure wine as the other Drink-alls doe but certaine distilled waters mixt with the strongest grape they can get which are so forcibly hott that the brittle glasse cannot hold them and therefore they are driuen to fortifie their bottles with letherne Ierkins riuerted together with pitch and rosen The citizens are fiery of face and cholericke of condition enuious suspicious paralitique and of a staggering manner of pace in their going but that which is most terrible of all they drinke and they breath nothing but meere flames As much cold water or scarr-gut as one of vs will drinke so much fire will one of them take that a man would verily imagine when hee saw them that they were so many fire-drakes or Saint Georges dragons I was in danger of water before but now I feared nothing but that I should be stifled with fire So that I left my companion in his orisons vnto Bacchus I loued him well but I loued my selfe better the very next morning I got me out of this Vulcans shop for so it was and a very Cyclops forge rather then a Citie of Bacchus Now being vpon my way I began to resolue with my selfe to passe by the verges of Lecheritania back againe and so to see some-what of the fashions of the Hop-sackers the third countie of Drink-allia but iust as I was plodding on with this thought in my head rushes mee forth an Ambush of armed Sheelandresses you heard of Shee-landt before besette mee tooke mee and carryed mee prisoner the more vnfortunate I a long and toylesome iourney euen to the chiefe cittie of the land called Gossipingoa I would not haue the reader take any vnkindnesse at my hands for omitting the rest of Drink-allia for as my Pilgrim told me it is the basest part of the land this countie of Hop-sack and but that it is more beast-like different in nothing from the others which you heard described before Finis lib. 1. The second Booke The description of Shee-landt or Womandeçoia Of the situation and the parts thereof CHAP. 1. THE new discouered Womandeçoia which some mistaking both name and nation call Wingandecoia make it a part of Virginia otherwise called Shee-landt lieth in that part of the Southerne continent which our Geographers of Europe called Psytacorum Regio the land of Parrots On the North side it boundeth vpon Letcheritania a nation that is a great enemy to it on the South vpon Thriuingois on the East vpon the two Fooliana's the Fickle and the Fatte The soile thereof is very fruitfull but badly husbanded It is diuided into many Prouinces both large and ritch yet all of seuerall conditions habites and languages The principall of them are these Tattlingen Scoldonna Blubberick Gigglot-angir the high and the lowe Cockatrixia Shrewes-bourg and Blackswanstack otherwise called Modestiana Not farre from these is also an Iland called I le Hermaphrodite or more properly Double-sex Many of these Prouinces did I passe through sore against my will I le bee sworne But to speake the truth Tattlingen is the best country of all the rest hath many faire cities in it as Pratlingople Tales-borne Lyps-wagg through the last of which there runneth a great riuer called Slauer which some-times will ouer-flow the bankes and drowne all the lower part of the country which they call Chinn-dale but the countrimen haue now deuised very strong rampires of bones and bend lether to keepe it from breaking out any more but when they list to let it out a little now then for scouring of the channell But of all the citties of Tattlingen or of all Shee-landt Gossipingoa is the principall Thether was I brought and deteined a great deale longer then stood with my good liking I will for passing away a little time vntill the Capon bee enough we haue nothing else to do discourse the whole progresse of their dealing with mee here and then I le goe on with the conditions of this new nation How the Gossipingoesses vsed the Author of this discouerie CHAP. 2. AS soone as these cruell conqueresses had taken mee vpon the borders of Lecheritania they brought mee away to their chiefe city so to the court told a bell and presently all the inhabitants came flocking thether in a trice began to prie more narrowly vpon mee who stood bound sure enough god wot for offering them any false measure At length one of the rout their Captainesse it seemed shee was gaue a signe to the rest to be silent as she had need and then bespake the company thus What or of whence this fellow is I doe not know onely wee tooke him in the confines of yonder damned country Letcheritania and seeing they haue offered vs so much iniury I hold it very fitte now if it bee not too late to begin to take reuenge of them and first with this prisoner Now she hauing made an end I got leaue with much a doe for noise to speake so declared my nation and the cause of my wandring as well as I could and told her Womanship that for my part I had not any acquaintance at all in Letcheritania I was one that wished her Madam-hood and all hir sex all the good I could and that it would derogate much from her nature clemencie and from the honor of her iust gouernment to condemne an Innocent pilgrim and one that had not offended without hearing of his cause Well these good words I can tel yee wrought so prettily well that the poore yong wenshes began many of them to weepe yet the old countesses were not so much ouer-swaied by mine oration but that I must to prison to a great house in the market place called Cold and comfortlesse vntill my country and cause of trauell were truely manifested vnto the Shee-counsell Well to warde I went and but that my countries name the true Paradice of women pleaded for mee I had neuer come home aliue for all the Lecheritanians that they take they either faire hange vp or
draw latches how to treade without noise how to angle in a lockt chest with a twined thred how to him the pence and neuer touch the purse how to forsweare an ill deede without blushing a thousand such secrets that I might haue learned but that I cared not for their art Caballist But of all of them the Inkeepers are the knaues Rampant so faithlesse that the traueller dares neither trust his purse vnder his pillow nor in any Iron casket whatsoeuer but must bee faine as the Iewes did beeing besieged to engorge his gold for all the night and seeke it in his close-stoole the next morning it would bee gone else euery Quart d'escu The villages are inhabited with none but Millers and Taylers and vnlesse you happe here and there to finde some stragling Gypsies Of Lurtch-wit a County in Legerdumaine CHAP. 6. LVrtch-witte a large County lieth on the west of this Leigerdumaine wherein is the cittie Rigattiera new repaired nere vnto which is mount Scapula a very high hill A Poet that is a Critique may here finde many ancient monuments One stone I saw here whereon were engrauen certain Greeke verses stolne by Homere from Orpheus and Musaeus From Orpheus these 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 And from Musaeus this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I found also many of Virgils vpon another stone which the inhabitants said he had hought of by the knees out of Homer and Hesiod Here were also some of Petrarchs nimd from another Tuscane Poet and many other such like monuments On the South part lieth Rapineux a plaine all full of rubbish and ruines which shew that there hath beene many cities there but they were all pulled down long ago to build those two magnificent piles Penny-patron and Chaffer-kirke so that you shall see in this country many old Churches turned into stables streetes into pastures and steeples into priuies Besides this the riuer Fraude doth continually teare away one peece or other from this part of the country and laieth it either on the marshes of Lurtch-wit or Stille-more Of Still-more CHAP. 7. THis Prouince is in the hands of a monstrous kinde of men such as you see pictured in Munster and Maundeuill with heads like hogges They go alwaies vpon their hands and knees least they should otherwise misse any thing as they passe along the streetes that were worth the taking vp Their voice is a kinde of grunting nor haue they other speach None may dwell amongst them but old folkes Their youth they doe spend in Booty-forrest if they be valiant or else in Bags-death Schooles the inhabitants are all husbandmen marchants and mettall-mongers They do eat earth as the Wolfe doth when hee is to go to fight almost continually yet some there are that eate nothing at all but liue vpon the sight onely of gold and siluer They neuer sleepe but with their eyes open herein onely resembling the Lyon They serue a God whom they call Quadagno with al superstitious reuereÌ„ce they neuer goe to their rest but when they haue seene him nor doe they eate but in his presence Touching the citties of this Prouince there is Swine-borow a filthy towne a very stincking heape but then is there Gatherington Hoord-sterdam and Lockadolid all handsomly built things marry I could not come to view them within by reason that euery particular citizen in all these places hath a priuate key for the gates to lock at his going in out so that by this meanes they preuent all strangers accesse The residue of this nation liue more like swine then men in the Ilands of Hoggs-bourg and the Scrapiglias These men townes and manners did I behold admire and laugh at and after 30. yeares trauell growing weary of wandring I returned into my natiue country FINIS THE CAMBRIDGE PILGRIME Seneca in Mcdea a For Gluttony is the induction vnto lecherie b A fat belly makes a leane braine c This birds picture is to be seene in the largest maps of the vvorld with an Elephant in his pounces And for his insatiate greedinesse is held to be the Regions Genius d And so are most of you Belly gods the inhabitants thereof f Hector Boetius Hollingshead c. g The Dukes of Muscouie haue the skins of these creatures kept for their ovvne vses they grovv in Horda zauolh a plaine in Scythia and are called the skins of Samarchand Of this lambe you may read in Scaliger Excercit 59. cardan Baro Heberstin Libau tract de agno vegetab h Iunenal Satyr 4. i Whose name vvhen I vvas there vvas Sir Spatious Mouth k Shropshire Worcestershire l Onely Fooliana lyeth betvveene Tenter-belly and Thriuingois for if men vvere not fooles they vvould follovv thrift and flie luxurie a For meate must first be dressed and then eate b Of him here-after chap. 11. c Othervvise called vvarming-pan d Three villages vvhere spits kettles and spounes vvere first inuented e In English Moisture f In Darbyshire a Galen knew it not b Plin. lib. 12 chap. 8. c That is alwaies in the Greeke Calends neuer but then a Built in the same fashion that Cambalu is if you were euer there b From this riuer only the Eat-alls haue all their water wherewith they do dresse their meate Volaterr Autropol l. 13. c Like vnto Cartaegena in Spaine but far better seated d Two ports where our Hollanders haue much traffique e Two ports where our Hollanders haue much traffique a And reason good the land is called Eat-allia b Cambridge and Oxford c This was Py-nople the plaine but Oyster pynople and Potato-py-nople are Cities in Letcheritania that flourish vntill this day beeing both founded by Hercules vpon his copulation with 50. women vpon one night Georg Cap. currant de punct Aretinens lib. 27. d Spencer in his ruines of time c If a pasty haue no grauy in it it is not worth a doiteâ— f Strabo Geog. lib. 5 g Satyra 3. h Contro lib. 3. i A diminutiue of shops you shall find the word in Antony Mundaies discourse of â—he refâ—rmation of Redfaces k In Ethic. his name was Philoxenus l Which was whilom to be seene in Beuer castle m Where Lipsius pretendeth that Langius and he had that discourse De Constantia Martiall Epig lib. 3. chap. 47. n Iles in the Atlantike sea like our Orades where they that haue the fewest teeth are held in highest respect and hee that hath none is made a Clarissimo of Suppington the chiefe citty of the whole teritorie o His hang bits p Like him whose Epitaph this was Here lyes sir Iohn of Redcrosse streete he was beard to th' belly and belly toth ' fecie q For some such bookes he wrote witnesse Suidas r We haue some Vniuer side men that are too well read in these authors yet verily some study them so sore that they bring
els put them vnto most slauish offices in this prison Herein plaging them for their iniuryes offered for that Nation although it bee most lasciuious yet it rūneth a madding eirher after whore or els in bestiality either neglecting their wiues vtterly or els keeping them continuall prisoners through mad-braind ielousie O how many noble captaines did I see here wearing out their liues in spinning carding woll and knitting faith at length for my countries sake I had my liberty but not without an oth for I was brought to Iunos Altar and there laying my hand on the same tooke a sollemn oth to obserue all these conditions following 1. That I should neuer goe about to iniure this noble sexe by word nor deed 2. That I should neuer interrupt a woman in her tale 3. That wher-soeuer I liued I should leaue the rule of the house to my wife 4. That I should neuer more come in Letcheritania for it is the common phrase here Many go thether good men but come away againe euill husbands 5. That I should neuer aime at more then the loue of one 6. That I should neuer bewray my wiues secrets 7. That I should neuer deny my wife any womans ornaments 8. That I should continually giue women the prick and praise for beauty wit and eloquence and defend it against all men This oth I willingly tooke would haue taken one ten times stricter rather then haue staied there So therefore you see my tongue is tyed by mine oth not to tell all the fine Conundrums that I saw among these mad wenches Somewhat I may say but no harme no more I would in truth if I had not beene sworne at all Their formes of Gouernment and elections of persons of state CHAP. 3. THeir state for ought that I could obserue is popular each one seeking superiority and auoyding obedience They haue no lawes at all but do euery thing by the numbers of voices But the giuing vp of their voices struck me into a wonder being vnacquainted therewith for they set vp a erie all together none giues eare but each one yells as if shee were horne mad Is not this able to abash a good mans spirit They hold a continuall parliament about their more weighty affaires of state so that Erasmus were he aliue now would be able to giue a strong testimony of womens turning sutors Now this continuance is necessary because of their lawes vncertainty for the decrees of this day may bee all disanulled to morrow but the same day they cannot least their law-giuers should seeme vnconstant in their edicts Euery ones voice is alike in worth the whole citty thorow but not euery ones dignity for they haue a set number of chosen women they call them Grauesses these haue the authority of most honor in each particular citie But they are not borne to this dignity but elected either for their beauty or their eloquence for by these two are all elections ordered They had once a custome to elect these Grauesses by voices but afterwards euery one giuing her voice onely for her selfe it bred a confusion so made them abolish that maner of election and then they made a decree that only those should haue the sway in this enuious contention who would professe themselues neither faire nor eloquent But this brought all to such a passe that in the whole multitude of them you should not find one that would be Electresse the elder sort holding that they had the eloquence and the yonger standing as firme in it that they had the beauty At length they all agree to passe ouer these places of Electresses vnto twelue of the most aged matrons of Old Mumpington a ruinous village hard by and so they did giuing them the glorious title of Electresses Grauessiall to set them the more a gogge to performe their charges And besides this honorable stile the hony of age wealth and abundance comes continually vpon thē for the ambitious young wenshes will so bribe and ply them with giftes to haue their voices at the day of election that I hold there is not a court either more corrupt in giuing voices or more wealthy in giuen ritches In stead of scepters and swordes the Grauesses haue fannes and glasses borne before them huge Christall glasses and still as they passe through the streetes they pranke vp their attires by the sayd glasses and set all their gew-gawes in order as they go along The originall of the Shee-landresses CHAP. 4. THere are few Shee-landresses borne in this Nation but such as either will needes weare their husbands breeches or els such as their husbands iealousie will needs either banish or make prisoners those runne flocking from all parts hether Now all such as are their husbands maisters and are therevpon banished for their vniust clayme vnto soueraignty these are assigned to inhabite the frontiers of Shee-landt especially in the countries of Shrewes-bourg and there they are all put in garrison But as for those that are voluntarie exiles they are generally of meeke and vnmanly spirits and these are seated in the heart of the Land to become Votaresses to Peace and to Beautie and yet you need neuer dreame that this weale-publike how euer weakely founded should go to ruine for want of perticuler members and I le tell you why there are so many voluntaries especially free women come to this campe that the feare is that rather here will want roome for new inhabitants then otherwise Truely I am in a great perplexity least my country women should haue any vnderstanding of this state For if they haue wee may goe snicup for any female that will bide amongst vs but all will away wee should not haue one big belly left to lay the foundation for a future age by and therefore I pray you sir whosoeuer you be as you loue the preseruation of our linage and the generall multiplication of mankinde bee silent in this so important a secret for it lies vs all vpon to keepe it vndiscouered from our giddie females vnlesse wee can find a better meanes of generation Of Gygglot-tangyr CHAP. 5. AT Gossipingoa I got besides my freedome the Cities letters for my passe-port and so from thence I tooke my way towards Giglot-tangire a country lying vpon the South part of Womandecoia towardes Letcheritania The Land of it selfe in this part is the worlds paradise I was not many leagues from Loues-den the first towne of this County when I entred into an ayre as delicatly sented as if all the perfumers in England doe yee see had lately plaied their prizes there for eternal soueraignty the whole country round about is so stuft with Apothecaries and Pomendrificoes The rest I omit The women of this wapentake are generally tall gracefully adorned and were it not that they practise the art of Cheeke-oyling ouer much very beautifully They weare nothing on their faces nor on their breasts as for the rest of their habite it is
be carried vp to the height of Mount Wantwood The riuers are all so frozen ouer with the extreame colde that if any towne be wearie of the old place it may passe the waters vnto a new one Euery moneth the forme of the city changeth for euery house is separable from the next vnto it so that as soone as euer they finde any the least fault with the old neighbors away goes house and household and all to seat themselues in a new street The armes where-with this cities scutchion was whilom charged was a Snaile with her shell on her back on a chiefe argent the words Mea mecum I cary mine owne about mee but now it is the Butterflie desplaied in a field vert and floured the word Vbilibet Where I list Of the peoples conditions and attires Sect. 1. THe Inhabitants goe all in painted fethers as the Indians doe for seeing that these light things kept the little birds warme enough why say they should we desire now beeing farre more able to beare out could then those poore and tender creatures are Now when they would seeme to haue new-coates then they change the places of their fethers so that that which in the morning wore on their heads commeth before night to wipe the dust from their heeles and so the rest that which kept the knee warme but now by and by getteth vp aboue halfe a yard higher They do marry wiues and loue them pestilently well for a while keping them selues truly loyall to their espousalls vntill they either take some occasion of dislike in their old bedfellow or chance to behold another that is fairer then she and then farewell wife and welcome with all mine heart husband sayth shee for the wife is commonly as willing to make exchange as the man is assure your selues that shee taketh the first dislike if her husbands Cocke-shippe bee any way declyning They vse a stranger for the first daie as if hee were their owne brother though they neuer saw him before marry the next daie they will passe you by and forget that euer they knew yee They seldome or neuer proferre any thing which they doe not call backe againe at the next breath they take before the promise bee confirmed Nor doe they euer promise but they afterwards forsweare it vntill it bee performed nor doe they euer performe any thing which they doe not afterwards though all to late repent and bee sorie for They will not sell you any thing to day but if you dislike it they will giue you double the price you paid for it to morrow They make their lawes new euery yeare once for it is not fit thus they defend it seeing all mans life is mutable that the rules of life should not bee mutable also as well as the effects besides mans second cogitations being generally more perfect it were a strange slauery to bee tied so to a first decree that although the after-wit dislike it neuer so may not be altered Turne-coates tombe The nations ancient Coines Sect. 2. IN this Citty neere vnto the Asse-change is a tombe of one Turne-coate of small antiquity and of smaller beauty vpon it I reade this inscription PASSENGER Stay Reade Walke Here lieth ANDREVV TVRNE-COATE VVHO VVAS NEITHER SLAVE NOR SOLDIOR NOR PHISITIAN NOR FENCER NOR COBLER NOR FILTCHER NOR LAVVIER NOR VSVRER BVT ALL VVHO LIVED NEITHER IN CITTY NOR COVNTRIE NOR AT HOME NOR ABROADE NOR AT SEA NOR AT LAND NOR HERE NOR ELSVVHERE BVT EVERY VVHERE WHO DIED NEYTHER OF HVNGER NOR POYSON NOR HATCHET NOR HALTER NOR DOGGE NOR DISEASE BVT OF ALL TOGETHER I I. H. BEING NEYTHER HIS DEBTOVR NOR HEIRE NOR KINSMAN NOR FRIEND NOR NEIGHBOVR BVT ALL IN HIS MEMORY HAVE ERECTED THIS NEITHER MONVMENT NOR TOMBE NOR SEPVLCHER BVT ALL VVISHING NEYTHER EVILL NOR VVELL NEYTHER TO THEE NOR MEE NOR HIM BVT ALL VNTO ALL. Somefoure miles from Giggumbobbia there is a plaine where there were certaine old coines digged vp whilest I was there I care not much if I shew you the formes of some of them One was a square peece hauing a Ianus head with two faces on the one side and the semblance of a globe-like stone vpon a smooth table on the other and in darke rust-eaten letters this about it FBR VAR. DVC the forme was this The third was larger and of more value it seemed bearing the figure of an egge hauing on one side a leane face with a long nose and a wreath of lawrell about the fore-head on the other a Polypus a many-footed fish called a Pour-countrell vpon a stone passing well cut verely the word was Pour-Bon Pour Bon. Of the Vniuersity that is in Fooliana the fickle Sect. 2. AS I traueled along the valley Capritchious I chanced to light vpon a towne that bare some shape of an Vniuersitie The name they told mee was Whether-for-a-pennia Here met I with some shadowes of Philosophers but neuer a substance You may go whistle and saue your labour as well as to come and looke for any lectures rectors bookes or schooles of the seauen sciences here Euery peculiar man here is both his owne teacher and his owne Auditor Yet are there two Colledges in the towne one of the Skeptikes who deny that their is any trust to bee giuen to the sence and they are such absolute suspenders that they dare not for their eares decree any thing positiuely no not this that they ought to hold al things in suspence Steale away any one of their purses cloakes or victualls as one of them was serued once and hee presently falls into a doubt whether euer hee had such a thing or no Strike one of them as hard as you can he doubts of it both whether you struck hard or no whether hee feele it or no. Speake to him or touch him hee heares sees and feeles you yet he dare not assure himselfe that any one thing of this is true The other Colledge consisteth wholie of Gew-gawiasters who giue them selues wholy to the inuention of nouelties in games buildings garments and gouernments Hee that can deuise a new game or a new fashion according to his inuention hath a place of dignity assigned him by the Duke He that first deuised to blow out bubbles of sope and spettle forth of the walnut shell is of as great renowne amongst them as euer was the first Printer or Gun-founder amongst vs of Europe these Gew-gawiasters are in great esteeme in Court yea and amongst the meaner sort also in so much that many of them will not put on a tatter nor once moue without their directions Nay these I can tell yee are schollers indeed they haue deuised a new language wherein they kept the misteries of their knowledge onely to themselues it is called the Supermonicall tongue Some of the words I will set downe in this place for the good of such as shall trauell those countries hereafter that they bee not vtterly Cedarine in
the freer accesse part of them build nests like birds in the highest trees both to bee nearer heauen and for their bodies exercise in climing vp to them euery particular man of them hath both his peculiar opinion and profession Ambition desire of glory draweth diuerse of them into most strange incredible actions you shall haue some going vp down the streets on their heads hands others flying about with wings made of wax fethers you would verily imagine that Zetus and Calain were come againe from the dead if you but beheld how boldly these fellowes dare trust their wings with their necks Others like your Italian Mount-bankes draw the people together to see that effects of some rare vnguento distilled water or some strange engine others out of the basest of mettals by a secret art and that by St. Patrike a gainfull one too can draw the purest gold But in faith it is worth the laughing at to see the toylesome follie of these extractors they are guld and guld and terrible guld yet can they not finde in their hearts to giue ouer A sort of them of late as I was informed would needes to the Oracle to know the euent of that weighty businesse they had in hand The Oracle presently gaue thē this answere Trauaillez that is take paines Pho home come they as if they had gotten their God in a boxe and forward they goe with their circulations their sublimations their coniunctions their fermentations till all this head-lesse action ended in putrefaction vntill reputation and reuenues were both dead and rotten Thus each man seekes to be an Alchymist Till all be gone and he his number mist Whereas indeede the oracle gaue them better counsell then they could comprehend Take paines that is A mattock and a spade will get you gold Sooner then Chymistry a thousand fold Of the Cities of Cockscombaya and Asse-sex and of Blocs-foord the metropolitane sea Sect. 3. THE first Citty I light vpon in this country was Hollow-pate a towne of good antiquity and well contriued but it affordes no rarityes and therefore I leaue it and passe on to Bable-dock a corporation most worthely famous for the wisedome of the Aldermen These men a little before my arriuall held a sitting vpon this occasion They skie was verie cloudy and raine was generallie feared on all sides the Maior calls a bensh and fell to consultation how to dispell the feared shower The first mans aduise was to ring out all the bells of the towne another aduised them to burne stinking sauour in the open streetes as the Italian women doe to driue away tempests At length the grauest Foolianders opinion was demanded who arising told them in plaine tearmes their policy was vn-auaylable and that the onelie quirke to fetch ouer this peremptorie storme was to suffer all the moisture to fall that those bigge faced cloudes contained and by that meanes and by no other the tempest would bee so braue seeming to haue no resistance that as Hanniball did at Capua it would ruine it selfe or euer it were aware was this an idle plotte no beleeue it the whole bensh liked it and allowed it Twitlecome twattes wisdome is not sworne to sitte in Europe onlie The very Venus the eye the lustre of all Citties terrestriall is here seated Ciuitas Angelorum Why t is a verie Peticoate Lane a Pease-market hill to it The name of it is Blocks-foorde for site it standeth partlie vpon a plashie plaine and part vpon a little mountaine both of them lying in the descent Northward farre from any wood or any riuer The vpper part of the towne serues the lower with snow water and the lower doth the like for the vpper with spring water mary that is of Iohn a Cragges standing There are in the whole circumference of the walles iust sixeteene gates wherein according to the intent of the founders it exceedes all citties of the world by foure The geometricall forme therof is neither circular nor ouall but of a meane proportion betweene a Cylinder and a renuersed Pyramide iust like vnto the portraiture of a mans body What now are your vnderstandings vn-aquainted with such a geometrical draught as this why then you are but Scioccoes neuer saw Belgia in the forme of a Lyon Italy of a leg Morea of a plaine tree leafe Spaine of an Oxe-hide the West Indies of a fishes lunges nor all Europe in the shape of an Empresse Hee that hath seene these and shal but view this towne as he cannot lightly choose must needs avow directly that he beholds the lineaments either of some Colossus laid all along or else of Prometheus as hee lieth bound vpon mount Adazar The market place is on the hills toppe for that it is the head of the citty and so administers life and sence to the residue But honest Reader if thou consider but the toyle that the poore porters endure by both horse and foote whilest they lugge vppe all necessaries euen hogs-heads of beare and wine against the steepe descent of the hil Vpon mine honest word I know not whether I should bidde thee laugh or lie downe thou woldest sweare thou wert in hell and saw an hundred Sisiphi at once rowling so many restlesse stones And when they are gotten halfe vp the hill nay by Saint Loye sir perhaps almost to the top with halfe an hogs-head of sweate vpon their quarters then beshrew that then may they say down comes another barrel which hauing the vpper ground holds it selfe the better man and laies all the poore mens labour in the durt and that not without endaungering themselues On this mountaines toppe the Magnificoes and the whole Signioria of the Cittie haue their habitations to the end that the whole towne may lie as a fitter obiect to their prospect this as I sayd resembleth the head of the towne down from thence you descend a narrow which resembles the neck of this head and this is inhabited onely with Serieants Beadles Deputy-constables and Derick-iastroes From the lower end of this street do two other extend themselues on either side expressing the armes and hands in mans bodie and these are peopled but slenderly God hee knowes with handicrafts men but not ouer many handicraftes maisters The bulke of this fabrike lies in a broader streete and here you haue all your Innes Alehouses Tauernes and Hosterians whatsoeuer and these haue houses downe to the very loynes where as mine author affirmes but I was neuer so farre in the towne they keepe the Burdello Here indeed saith hee dwell the Cocatrices the Roffianaes the Makquerells all those ancient fish wiues that sell Ruffes Mackrell and Whiting-mops whatsoeuer and then if you descend a little further all in one parish you come into Bride-streete and there haue all the Scauingers Scoure-Aiaxes and eleauen a clocke Perfumers tagge and ragge this is called the Draffe-sacke of the Citie The legges and feete of the