illegitimate Touch and go Summa totalis 200 l. and a weekly Contribution of four Shillings besides Barrows Clouts Coats diminutive Shooes Sugar and Candles All things concluded in pops the light Housewife in the dark out of her close Sedan and goes for the wife of a bad Husband gone beyond Sea only the compassion of her friend is such that his charity will not let her want All this while there is no contract or bargain that will bind these Purse-sucking Bauds for the threatning to lay the Child at the door is such a terrible thunder-clap to his ears and the Jades do so haunt him that he may be truly said to live a continual slave to their necessities which must of force be a great consolation to his mind over the left Shoulder Whereas the Expences belonging to the lawful Marriage-bed bring no such vexations to the Mind as being only the occasion of mirth and jollity among the Neighborhood and gain the reputation of generosity and kindness to the Husband And thus you find the Country Farmers feast their Harvest-folks and Sheep-shearers after their work is over The endurance of pain and travel that brings advantage ought to be recompenced to the full And it is not the kind and becoming Treatment of a wife to retaliate her yearly presents of lawful Issue that can disquiet a loving Husband but the paying for a Bastard and the subjection he lives in to the concealers of his Infamy that cause a fermentation in his thoughts and make his very Life uneasie to him I had almost forgot one thing more there 's the Spiritual Court too if he have not a great care to prevent it will have a considerable fleece from his back to boot And is' t not a great comfort to a man d' ye think to stand in the face of his whole Parish and more Spectators than came to hear the Parson lapt up in a white sheet all but his face as Spirits walk by midnight and all for sporting between unlawful sheets which though two to one will never be able to wipe off the disgrace of the single shroud So great a blemish may a man receive from white as well as from charcoal black while the white sheet discovers what the white sheets were made to conceal My dear friends consider these-things THE Third Real Comfort OF Matrimony WEll and what then why when a man has got a woman within the Pale of Matrimony she is then like a Mess of Porridge And there is no man has got his dish of broth well crumm'd and season'd for his own Palate but will be very angry if another come with his long spoon to eat it up from him The most surly maintainer of Liberty and Property in the case of Matrimony will not allow those two words to associate together for assuming all the property to himself he will not admit of any liberty to the woman If a Gentleman with a Sword by his side and flaring Cravat with Fring'd Gloves be observ'd to visit his wife presently 't is look'd upon as an ill sign if he Coach her abroad 't is ten times worse for that by the custom of the City the women are never to shew their best cloaths but only on Sundays or upon solemn invitations to Burials and Christnings The Vicinity being thus in an uproar some cunning Mantissimus busie-body or other undertakes out of Good will as he call it to come and give his Neighbour prudent advice as being a young man that had not seen the world and so most gravely and right reverendly over the expence of eight brass farthings at a penny club forewarns and admonishes him of the mischiefs that hang over his head This friendly advice puts a hundred maggots into the Husbands head when Heaven knows all was well before So that if the poor man be troubled afterwards with a tingling in his ears or worms in his pate he may thank that impertinent intelligence of his officious neighbour and not his wife for it For it argues a great folly in a man not to bid such an impertinent admonitor go about his own business rather choosing to live free from tittle-tattle and to stand fair in the opinion of the flipperous Town-Flebergebits than to keep himself quiet at home by letting his wife go abroad now and then with a friend 'T is observ'd that women seldome think ill till their Husbands dream it first By trusting a woman you lay an obligation upon her by distrusting her you put her upon those little revenges which perhaps she never thought of before Thus it waâ— the great argument which the Spanish Lâ—â—â— us'd to her self that she had not done mâ—â—â— amiss to admit her Page into her Bed because she knew that her Husband was a bed with an Inn-keepers Daughter of the Town at the same time So that he whâ— keeps his wife under a causeless restraint lays the trains himself that blow up his content and then lays the fault upon Matrimony He that carries her to a Feast must be her gallant that 's indubitable But he that carries her to a Play or a Ball commits abomination and is presently to be excommunicated from the House So ready are the Mote-spiers in other peoples eyes to squander away the content and reputation of their Neighbours and yet would be the first that would complain were they so hamper'd themselves Therefore say the Doctors in Love-Affairs that a woman which is kept as it were under lock and key and made to renounce all her former acquaintance after Marriage is half gain'd and your true gamesters must generally prey where controul and tyranny are most sowre and severe But these Kinsmen you 'l say are no Kinsmen but men in the shape of Kinsmen and what ever the pretence be the design is quite another thing and the Kinsman and the wife concert together Why look ye for this 't is a general custom in England and many other places when Locks go hard to oyl ' em If the humour of a morose Husband be so stingie and rustie that it will not easily give way it must be oyl'd with fair pretence and clever invention 'T is a happiness to him that he has not Marry'd the contempt of the world but that he has a wife who deservedly merits the respect of others besides himself There is no man that has any thing of generosity but that to some and at sometimes lends out the most precious part of his wealth his Horse his silver-hilted Sword and his Guiueys to boot And is it such a piece of matter sometimes to lend out the good company and cheerful society of his wife so long as she 's safely returned again Should men be bound to confess the cheats and shams they put upon their wives when they have been potting and piping and Shovel-boarding it till twelve a clock at night and pretend they have been dunning this Knight or t'other Lady they would think it a hard case 'T
did his vvork Being cur'd and vvell he caus'd all the vvomen vvhose vvaters he had experimented in vain to be brought together and thrust into one great City by vvhich you may guess there vvas a svvinging company of 'em and there burnt them all together City and all and then took the vvoman that had cur'd him to vvife What then is universal can never be a true cause of discontent since 't is one mans fortune as vvell as anothers And for the vvomen they are not to be blam'd because their Husbands lead 'em the vvay And from vvhom should vvomen sooner learn their instructions than from their Husbands Therefore said the Gentlevvoman man to the Parson that call'd her Baggage and better fed then taught 't was very true because he taught her and her Husband fed her For they must still walk by their Husbands rule Neither is there any invention of man no Law as the Rump-Parliament try'd to little purpose no Stratagem of Male-wit than can obviate the suttleties and devices of women in the business of Cuckoldry Who would think that any devil of a woman should have it so ready For mark how it fell out no sooner was the good man gone out betimes in the morning to work but his wife admits her private friend into his warm place The Husband it being an unthought-of Holy day returns much sooner than he was expected or his company desir'd The woman hearing him knock at the door puts her friend under an old Copper-Furnace in the wash-house As soon as the man came in Wife says he I have consider'd that we have no use of that Copper-Furnace in the wash-house and so I have sold it and here 's the man come to fetch it away And how much have ye sold it for quoth she So much quoth he By my faith then quoth she you might have brought your friend before for I have just now sold it to another for half as much more And the man 's now under it to see what holes there are in it that they may be mended And so heaving up the Furnace the man came out paid down his Money and had his bargain Where could the man suspect the least harm in all this And yet you see there was harm though not to be discover'd by any but a Conjurer What could the Father say to his Son in Law when he complain'd of a discovery he had made of his Wife The Father desir'd the Mother to take her Daughter in private and give her a juniper-Lecture She does so and the Father and Son resolve to over-hear her Fie quo the Mother do such a thing and suffer your self to be discover'd at your years Where was your wit where were your brains I have been married to your Father these twenty years and upwards and have had many a private Friend in a corner and yet thy Father can't say black 's my eye I say what could the Father say when he heard this but advise his Son to secresie and discretion Or what could the Son do but take his Wife again and double his guards I would fain know what man cares to be out of the Fashion or what reason a man has to be discontented at the Fashion If it be the fashion to be a Cuckold why should that grieve and torment his mind Rather let him consider whether it be not a custom or rather a Law so made by a long Prescription of near four thousand years and then comfort himself up in this that he has the same liberty Revenge they say is sweeter than Manna of Calabria But if there be no occasion of revenge how shall a man enjoy the Sweets of that Pleasure Therefore it fell out well for that man that he was a Cuckold who understanding his Neighbour had made him so order'd his Wife to send for his Neighbour and lock him up in a Chest in her Chamber And then sending for his Neighbours Wife and telling her the whole story gave her a Nooning over her Husbands head upon the same Chest where he lay fast under lock and key For now they stood upon equal terms Sometimes it may happen that a man low i' the world may gain by the bargain Like the Foot-Souldier i' the Trainbands who having got leave of his Captain to dispence with him from the Guard was got home and going to bed about one a Clock i' the morning His doublet was off and his breeches thrown upon the bed But his Wife was so ill of a sudden so mortally sick that unless she had a Cordial presently there was nothing but present death The fellow compassionating his Wife snatches up his breeches again puts on his doublet and knocks up the next Pothecary for a Cordial What Cordial Any Cordial that exceeded not nine-pence for he had but a shilling and three-pence he must have to spend next morning upon the Guard But when he came to dive for his nine-pence his fingers in one pocket were up to the knuckles in Gold which encouraged him to feel further he found a Gold-Watch in a by-fob and a convenient quantity of Tower-coyn'd Silver-Medals in another pocket The fellow wonder'd at the strange multiplication of his single Shilling but said nothing took his Cordial and return'd home to his expiring wife In the mean time the Gentleman was gone with his leathern Breeches and his single shilling to bear his Charges through the Watch and glad he scap'd so And thus you see if it hit well there 's content a both sides if otherwife a man must take it as it falls But yet for all this I am apt to believe the world is not come to that pass yet but that the Men are far more in fault than the Women 'T were impossible else that there should be so much work for the Surgeons and Pintle-smiths about this Town 'T is impossible that there should be such swarms of Charlatans and Knights of the Syringe in every corner of the City Not a Gate or spare wall but what is plaistered over like a Country-Ale-house with No Cure no Money A hundred Infallible Cures and a thousand more defiances of Mortality enough to astonish Death it self as if he were upon his last legs and that men had wrested his Scithe out of his sinewless clutches You cannot walk the streets without having three or four Schedules in a day of humane Infirmities pop't into your hands So that now if a man can't live by the Tap or the Syringe 't is time for him to go a Buckaneering to Jamaica Whence this Incouragement Faith neither better nor worse women are not so bad as men would make 'um and therefore the old trade of whoring still flourishes In short therefore since there is no man that wears a Bulls feather who is not as apt to give it let him never think that a discomfort to himself which he dreams no vexation to another THE Thirteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony IS she so Why what 's the
Goodness or should we add to all this that which stops the mouth of Barbarism it self that is to say the high Estimation put upon them even by the Mahometans who in them place the greatest pleasures of their Paradise it must needs be acknowledged that these muddy Philosophers onely spoke the sence of feeble and decrepit Age and that consequently their Philosophy was as feeble and stupid as their limber and useless Limbs And indeed this is a Quarrel wherein Nature hath seemed to have declared her self an Interested Party so that we need to go no farther than the judgment of our eyes the quickest and the furest that a man can make to decide the Controversie For whom can we imagine to be so insensible as not to be presently touch'd with the delicate composure and symetry of their Bodies the sweetness and killing Languor of their Eyes the intermixture and harmony of their Colours the happinesses and spirituality of their Countenances the charms and allurements of their Meen the air and command of their Smiles so that it is no wonder that Plato should say That Souls were unwilling to depart out of such fair Bodies Whereas men are meerly rough-cast bristly and brawny and made up as it were of tough Materials and if they approach any thing neer beauty they may be said by so much the more to degenerate from what they are And from hence we gain'd our main Inference For if the Majesty and Comliness of a Governour gain so much awe upon the People as Politicians have observ'd and experience teaches us that it does What advantage have they in magically charming and winning of the People given them by Nature which the other cannot aspire to by Art For who would not be sooner smitten with Tresses curiously curl'd and dangling and built up by a ravishing Architecture than with bushy discomposed Locks though powder'd with Gold Who would not adore a face glowing with all kind of attractions rather than a Countenance savage with Bristles and indented with Scars This is a certainty that needs so little Demonstration that if you look but into any story you shall find even the greatest Conquerours lusty and proud in their Conquests humbl'd and brought upon their knees by the fair Enchantments of Women This we accompt Admirable in Alexander and Scipio that they could avoid in Caesar and Mark Anthony we pardon in respect of the greatness of their other Actions And therefore if the greatest Captains and Souldiers founders of Empires be of a higher and more exalted Nature than others of lower and meaner capacities yet such as have been always commanded by women who have made them decline in their very Meridians may we not thence conclude that Nature has given them a priority which they enjoy in effect though not in outward appearance 'T is to be supposed that no man thinks Solomon to be other than one of the wisest of men and yet it is well known how these white Devils seduc'd him Augustus who may truly be said to have been one of the steadiest men in the world one that in his youth out-witted all the Craft of the Hoary Senate was all his life-time led by one Livia who had that predominancy over him that he by her means disposed of the Succession of the Empire to a Son of her womb by another Husband But to make this yet more plain we say that Age begets Wisdome Now how general the affection of old men is to women needs no proof especially the older they grow some of threescore marrying Virgins of sixteen and therefore it is a clear Argument of the truth of this point and of the Wisdom of those reverend Seniors that choose such Assistants for the Government of their declining years Besides as certainly there wants not its reason in Philosophy that all Vertues belong to the Sex we plead for so may we also in the perusal of History find as many fair and illustrious examples of Vertue giby women as there has been by men Look but over the Roll of them and you may easily from thence produce a sufficient stock of Presidents where many things inserted as done by men perhaps are either brutish heady and intemperate while in the women things appear more smooth and temperate Or if there be any thing of passion or exorbitancy it is but an addition of Lustre to their Sex as a blush or glowing in the face sets off their beauty Now if it be necessary that Governours should be of good entertainment affable courteous open of countenance and such as seem to harbour no crooked or deep design no men can be so fit for Government as women are For besides their natural sweetness and innocency their talk is generally directed to such things as it may be easily inferr'd that their heads are not troubl'd about making destructive Wars enlarging Empires or founding of Tyrannies So that if we consider what has been said and that even those most excellent Qualities which are to be most desired and wish'd for in a Governour are inherent to them we shall clearly gain the point which we aim at What greater happiness than to have a Governour that is religious Now all Philosophy and Experience teach us that the softest minds are most capable of these Impressions and that women are for the most part most violently hurried away by such Agitations to which men are subject How few men-Prophets do Histories afford us in comparison to Prophetesses witness the Sybils and the female mouths of the chiefest Oracles of the Heathen And even at this day who such absolute followers of the Priests as the women are If you wish them merciful these are the tendrest things upon the face of the earth They have tears at command and if tears be the effect of Pity and Compassion be the Mother of Vertue we are oblig'd to think that mercy rules most in them and it is to be soonest expected from them If you desire affection to their Country where may you more luckily find it Have not the women many times cut off their hair to make ropes for Engines and strings for bows have they not surrendred up all their Rings and Jewels to defray charges Have they not been content to perish with their Husbands in their Habitations and what greater love of Native Country can be shewn Famous was the Valour of the women of Haerlem in Holland when besieg'd by the King of Spain while they out-did the men in Martial deeds and vy'd with their manly fortitude in sufferance of Labour in repairing and defending the walls of their City As memorable was that of the women of Amsterdam when it was besieged by the Prince of Orange who by agreement among themselves by their own Industry advanced a great Culverin upon one of the highest places in the City and thence continually discharged with great execution upon the Enemy And how far might women improve this Honour to themselves while they look upon themselves as
where 's this mans Discomfort all this while Why upon his Wife 's turning Whore his Estate got a Gonnorhea and pin'd and consum'd away to nothing Or if you will have it another way his Wife put his Estate upon the spit of Prodigality and let lie it roasting so long at the fire of her Lust that it dript quite away What then This is no disparagement to Matrimony For while the Woman lives within the confines of Matrimony and the man retain'd his Ability all things went well For I must tell ye Ability is as it were High Constable of the Hundred of Wedlock and keeps the peace in Matrimony Now as the Constable is nothing without his Staff so is Ability nothing without a good strong Truncheon So that Matrimony is no way to be blam'd but the Dissolution of Matrimony by the womans seeking after strange Gods and adoring other Priapus's besides her own Though in strictness of reason it may be a question whether the Woman disanull'd the Marriage or no and whether the end of Wedlock ceasing the Marriage is not vacate of it self Which if it be true then was the Woman upon the ceasing of the former Marriage as free for one as another But such is the sad age we live in that women must be the scape-goats to bear all the sins and miscarriages of their Husbands Yet I have heard of a hoary Fornicator that had gain'd the reputation of a most faithful Husband one that had clamber'd to the top of the pinnacle of Parish-preferment a Common-Council-mans fellow one that never cheated but in the integrity of his heart one with a Saint-like look peecked beared Sattin cap'd little banded and when he drove a bargain one that look'd up to Heaven with his hands upon breast in such a manner that you might have seen his Conscience in his eyes Yet this good pious old man upon an accidental step of his Wife into the Country suffer'd his Maid to steal into his wive's place and so as if he had found her there by chance got her with child 'T is true the good man for generally such Saints as these have luck had an ingenuous and dutiful Prentice that hope him out at a dead lift or else who knows what a Family-havock it might have produc'd I leave you to imagine the Afflictions Terrours and Agonies that tormented this Senior of the Vestry when he found the state of his condition in the midst of which he had no friend to trust but his good Prentice in whom he had the more hopes because he knew he made no great profession of Godliness because he lay out of his house a nights and plaid many other pranks with which Satan inspires Youth To him therefore he unfolds his misery who most dutifully undertakes to father the Child And novv the Curmudgeons stable and purse are at his command On the other side the young lad provides for the lying in appears at the Christning and brings in Taylors Bills which are not to be question'd Novv he may go out lie out ramble vvhere he pleases for still the Prentice vvas looking after the child vvhich though it liv'd not long yet too long for the old niggards profit tvvo years really alive and another half year still alive after ' t vvas dead by the good management of Father Junior Hovv many nevv Govvns would this expence have bought the poor ignorant wife at home what a passion would it have put her into had she known it But it hapn'd well for Father Princock whose Master rigid and severe before was now become his perfect slave There was a certain Exchange-man who had liv'd well with his wife for several years You might as well have remov'd Penmen-Maur into Middlesex as have got him out for a quarter of an hour to drink his Mornings-draught He canted to his Customers in Mood and Figure Nothing more grave nothing more solid and every one prognosticated him a Fur-Gown and a Gold-Chain And yet after many years thus spent in reputation the Extinguisher of Misfortune eclipsed this flaming Christmas-Candle all upon a fudden People star'd wonder'd talk'd and reason'd the case but at length all came out Secret whoring private gaming threescore broad pieces lost of a night and a thousand flams and shams and tales of roasted horses to his wife not one of the Comforts of Matrimony had been the occasion of all this Now where were the wives in fault in either of these two cases And truly I am apt to believe were there a true Catalogue of the excesses of this Nature of both Sexes you would find the Poll much more numerous on the mens side And to tax the women with expence is folly For he 's a meer doting infatuated Nicodemus that when he finds his wife galloping away with his Estate does not hold her in having the reins in his own hands THE Eight Real Comfort OF Matrimony I 'Ll hold a good wager 't is no such discomfort of Marriage for a mans wife to desire the fresh air 'T is an ill sign on the mans side when a woman is compelled to strain her invention to obtain of her Husband an innocent Recreation Suppose he be at the charges of a Palfrey and a Side-saddle 't is no such Break-back-expence to endanger the sighing up his Lungs by the roots He that travels with his wife to shew her the Country has the same pleasure himself to see the variety of Seats and Towns and cannot have a better Companion than his wife when he comes to his Journeys end 'T is a sign the woman has a nobler soul than to intermix with a Tag-rag and long-tail when Easter and Whitsontide let loose the toyling Rabble to devour all the rotten Currants and measly Swines-flesh about the Town in dry cakes and slices of glaury Bacon stuft with Goose-turds instead of sweet Herbs Or to be wedg'd in with the Westward ho Trumpery till she arrive at drty dusty Brainford for a Tansey of green Wheat and addle Eggs and a game at paltry Nine-pins for digestion and then home again with a bundle of dead Tulips and Southern-wood to garnish her Cobweb'd windows Precious Comforts of Matrimony indeed 'T is natural to women to love a ful enjeyment not the sips and taste of pleasure Give me a woman that knows what satisfaction is 'T is a sign of Genius and sprightliness the sweets of Conversation Can any man be such a Dunce as to grutch his wife a Country-house 't is for his own interest 't is as good as going to see his Vncle to leave his wife on Monday-mornings and return fresh again a Saturday-night and those short absences create new longings and new affections and prevent the inconveniencies of surfeiting 'T is good for their Children too They draw a steady sanity from the innocent and serene air of the Country while the corrupted smoak of the City and the Exhalations of Brew-house-Funnels do but befoot their lungs for the Chimney-sweepers broom
There a woman learns industry from the Bee innocence from the Lamb honesty from the Cow that pays so well for her Meat Drink and Lodging the Vine instructs her true affection and every flower teaches her every day new Lessons of Chastity and contempt of Vanity when she beholds how soon a ravishing hand despoils them of their glory and how fading all their pomp and beauty is when they that continually harbour in the City have nothing before their eyes but the daily documents of vice and vanity These enjoyments certainly may well be allow'd a wife when men themselves take a far larger liberty to revel with their Misses and Concubines at Epsome and Tunbridge or North-hall wells where Fools and their Money are soon parted It may be the man has a mind to prey farther off and then the Scene is laid thus At first great signs of an afflicted spirit many Symptoms of inward vexation the knife passionately slapt down upon the table at dinner rubs his forehead and Well quoth he What 's the matter my dear cries the good woman simply and harmlesly Heav'n knows A man would forswear trusting quoth he There 's no driving a Trade Husband without it quoth she It makes me mad to look in my Debt-book quoth he There 's a hundred and fifty pound lyes desperate in Hampshire two hundred pound has been ovving me this three years in Devonshier but for the hundred pound in Wiltshire the Gentleman promis'd me so faithfully last Term that I thought he vvould never have fail'd me Well I see I must take a long journey this Vacation but vvhat ' t vvill signifie Heaven knovvs Pox a this throvving good money after bad by Jove I hate it mortally Hovvever quoth she business is not to be neglected vve must not loose a Hog for a hapoth of Tar vvhat must be must be I 'le take the best care I can in your absence Ay quoth he and then kisses her that 's all the comfort I have Then close in his Counting house for some days till he has fill'd his Letter-case with Bills and Summa totalis's that you would swear a whole Troop of Horse little enough to gaurd him home again And now all his accoutrements being ready up he gets betimes i' the morning puts on his Boots and Spurs out comes the bread and butter and cold victuals and his wife beholds him looking like Jason going to fetch the Golden Fleece Well quo he chawing one piece and cutting another if I get but half this money and good security for the rest I 'll gi' thee the best Gowns wife that e'er thou woar'st in thy life Well Husband I wish you good success with all my heart quoth she Stay quoth he what mony had I best put i' my Pocket faith I 'll not take above five pound the Devll's in 't if some or other don't help me to a recuit before that 's spent But this is only a sham for his returns are laid as they lay Post-horses and are order'd their several stages already The mony brought and fobb'd he wipes his mouth busses his wife whirles down stairs whisks up a horse-back then another kiss i' the saddle and so God bless thee my dear Some time before he gets to Brainford Mrs. Winifred being got thither by infallible appointment before stays for him at the Red-Lion and seeing him come trotting along knocks for the Drawer Tell the Gentleman that rid in quo she his Company 's here By and by usher'd by the Drawer up he comes Lord my dear cries Mrs. Winifred you have put me into such a fright what made ye stay so long behind Gad my dear I could not help it for my life I met with a Gentleman at Hammersmith Towns-end who would not be deny'd but that I must drink a Bottle of Claret with him a Horse-back I told him my wife was before 't was all one and I believ'd thou would'st stay here which made me the less mind it And thus in the presence of the Drawer the Match is made up in the twinkling of an eye They are now Man and Wife in the lâ—cking of a cat's ear Onely to confirm it there must be a little bait and the Mistress of the house call'd up to hear how pleasantly the My dears and the Sweet-hearts pass between the new-married couple while the crafty slut in the midst of her cups cries out Pray God my poor little Billy do but continue well till we return I am fraid my heart will ake many a dear ake for him ere I get home Grace a God Madam cries the Hostess all will be well Ay ay Mistress there 's no fear on 't cries the new Bridegroom he 's with as careful a Nurse as any i' the Town So remounting away they cross the Road and if possible get to Guilford that night for the conveniency of the Inn. Whither from thence the Lord of Oxford knows but a ramble they take you may be sure till money growing short and having plaid over the play of a wife for a month with all the mirth and jocundry imaginable home comes my Gentleman again with his Purse as empty as his two-penny Purse Now you are to understand that this same hot-codpiec'd Monsieur had as much reason to go a dunning for this money as he had to throw himself headlong from the top of Dover-Peer for what money he had owing was already secur'd by Bonds lock't up in his Till Onely the Comforts of Whoring are such delicious temptations so ensnaring so alluring that flesh and bloud cannot forbear ' um But travelling with a man's Wife is the same thing still a Tartarian way of cumbering the road with Family-luggage and makes every strange Inn look like his own House He cannot kiss his Hostess nor smuggle his Bed-maker because his wife 's with him And yet I may be bold to say he might have had as smirking a Dairy-made as Mrs. Winifred neer his wife 's denyed Country-house at a far cheaper rate take the half years summer-expences and all in than his Autumnal Christmas-gamboling cost him And thus you see what a strange discomfort of Matrimony 't is for a woman to hone for a Country-house But Lady's if your Husbands deny ye next year lay these things i' their dishes THE Ninth Real Comfort OF Matrimony HOw Haughty and proud and domineering Yes she would have been at it but the man kept her at a bay He took her down in her wedding-shoes And so finding she could do no good upon him they did as they did in the firâ—â— world liv'd quietly and contentedly together for many years and begat Sons and Daughters These Children grew up too and the boys are sent to the Grammar School and the Daughters profit to admiration i' their yellow Samplers But when the Gout or Stone or both come to confine him to his Prayer-book Hall's Meditations Montagues Essays and the greaâ— Groaning-chair in his Bedchamber then she pays off his old scores