But if he said so many great Men have said much the same Thus Augustus near his Death ask'd his Friends Whether he had not very well Acted the Farce of Life And Demonax one of the best Philosophers when he saw that he could not by reason of his great Age live any longer without being a Burthen to others as well as to himself said to those that were near him what the Herald used to say when the public Games were ended You may with-draw the Show is over and refusing to Eat kept his usual Gayety to the â—ast and set himself at Ease I wave many other Stories concerning Rabelais which seem as Inconsistent and Fabulous as the Legends of Symeon the Metaphrast St. Xavier's Miracles or the Traditions of the Monks our witty Satyrist's irreconcileable Enemies We ought not easily to believe that â—e who even in the most Licentious Places of his Merry Composures is thought by the Iudicious to have generally a design to expose Villany and in the Places that are Graver as also in his Letters displays all the Moderation and Iudgment of a good Man we ought not I say to believe that such a Man in his seventieth Year can have abandoned himself to those Excesses being Curate of a large Parish near Paris Prebend of St. Maur des Fossez in that City and honour'd and lov'd by many Persons equally eminent for Vertue Learning and Quality 'T was by a Person who with those three advantages was also a great States-Man and a very good Latin Poet I mean John Cardinal Du Bellay Bishop of Paris who knew Rabelais from his Youth that he was taken from the Profession of Physic to be employed by that Prelate in his most Secret Negotiations 'T was he that knew him best yet he thought him not unworthy of being one of the Prebends of a Famous Chapter in a Metropolis and Curate of Meudon in his Diocess 'T was doubtless in that pleasant Retreat that he composed his Gargantua and Pantagruel tho' some say 't was at that House call'd Douiniere already mention'd and that the Neighbouring Abbey of Sevillé whose Monks liv'd not then according to the Austerity of their Rule is partly the Subject of iâ— which causes him They say to make so often mention of the Monks the Staff of the Cross and the Vine-yard of Sevillé as also of Basché Lerné Panzoust c. which are Places near that Abbey The Freedom which Rabelais has used in that Work could not but raise it many Enemies Which caused him to give an Account in his Dedicatory Epistle to Odet Cardinal of Chastillon his Friend of the Motive that induc'd him to Write it There he tells him that though his Lordship knew how much he was daily Importun'd to continue it by several great Persons who alledg'd that many who languish'd through Grief or Sickness reading it had receiv'd extraordinary Ease and Comfort yet the Calumnies of a sort of uncharitable Men who said it was full of Heresies though they could not shew any there without perverting the Sence had so far Conquered his Patience that he had resolv'd to write no more on that subject But that his Lordship having told him that King Francis had found the reports of his Enemies to be unjust as well as King Henry the 〈◊〉 then Reigning who therefore had granted to that Cardinal his Priviledge and particular Protection for the Author of those Mithologies now without any fear under so Glorious and Powerful a Paâ—ronage he securely presum'd to write on And indeed 't is observable that in the Book to which that Epistle is prefix'd he has more freely than in the rest exposed the Monks Priests Pope Decretals Council of Trent then sitting c. That Epistle is Dated the 28. of January 1552. and some write that he Died in 1553. By this Epigram Printed before his last Book Rabelais seems to have been Dead before it was Published Rabelais est il mort Voicy encor un Livre Non sa meilleure part a repris ses esprits Pour nous faire present de l'un de ses escrits Qui le rend entre nous immortel fait vivre Nature quite This Satyrical Work employed him only at his spare hours for he tells us that he spent no time in Composing it but that which he usually allowed himself for Eating yet it has deserved the Commendations of the best of serious Writers and particularly of the great Thuanus whose approbation alone is a Panegyric And if we have not many other serious Tracts by its Author the private Affairs of Cardinal Du Bellay in which he was employed and his profession as a Physician and a Curate may be supposed to be the Cause of it Yet he Published a Latin Version of the Aphorisms of Hippocrates and with them some of Galen's Works which for its faithfulness and purity of Stile has been much esteemed by the best Iudges of both Nor is Vorstius who attempted the same sâ—â—d to have succeeded so well Rabelais also Wrote several French and Latin Epistles in an excellent Styâ—e to several Great and Learned Men and particularly to Cardinal de Chastillon the Bishop of Maillezais and Andrew Tiraqueau the Famous Civilian who is said Yearly to have given a Book and by one Wife a Son to the World during Thirty Years though he never drank any thing but Water in which he differed much from his Friend Rabelais Those Epistles do not only shew that he was a Man fit for Negotiations but that he had gain'd at Rome the Friendship of several Eminent Prelates He likewise writ a Book callâ—d Sciomachia and of the Feasts made at Rome in the Pallace of Cardinal Du Bellay for the Birth of the Duke of Orleans Printed at Lyons in 8 o by Sebast Gryphius 1549 And there is an Almanack for the Year 1553 Calculated by him for the Meridian of Lyons and printed there which shews that he was not only a Grammarian Poet Philosopher Physitian Civilian and Theologian but also an Astronomer Besides he was a very great Linguist being well skill'd in the French German Italian Spanish Latin Greek and Hebrew Tongues and we see in his Letters that he also understood Arabic which he had learn'd at Rome of a Bishop of Caramith Some Write that Rabelais Died at Meudon but Dom Pierre de St. Romuald says that Dr. Guy Patin Royal Professor at Paris who was a great admirer of Rabelais assur'd him that he caused himself to be brought from his Cure to Paris where he lies Buried in St Paul's Church-Yard at the foot of a great Tree still to be seen there 1660 He Died in a House in the Street call'd La Rue des Jardins in St. Paul's Parish at Paris about the Year 1553. Aged seventy Years But his Fame will never Die Estienne Pasquier Advocate General one of the most learned and judicious Writers of his Age Joachim Du Bellay Arch-deacon of Paris Nam'd to the Arch-bishopric of Bordeaux Peter Boulanger
youth of this Age. But all the countenance that Gargantua kept was that he fell to crying like a Cow and cast down his Face hiding it with his Cap nor could they possibly draw one word from him no more than a Fart from a dead Ass. Whereat his Father vvas so grievously vexed that he vvould have killed Master Iobelin but the said Don Philip vvith-held him from it by fair persuasions so that at length he pacifyed his Wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be payed his Wages that they should wittle him up soundly Sophister-like and then give him to all the Devils in Hell At least said he to day shall it not cost him much to his Host if by chance he should dye as drunk as an Englishman Master Iobelin being gone out of the house Grangousier consulted vvith the Viceroy vvhat Schooâ—-master they should choose for him and it vvas betwixt them resolv'd that Ponocrates the Tutor of Eudemon should have the charge and that they should go altogether to Paris to know what vvas the study of the young Men of France at that time CHAP. XVI How Gargantua was sent to Paris and of the huge great Mare that he rode on How she destroyed the Oxe-flies of the Beauce IN the same season Fayoles the fourth King of Numidia sent out of the Country of Africk to Grangousier the most hideously great Mare that ever vvas seen and of the strangest Form for you know vvell enough how it is said that Africk always is productive of some new thing She was as big as six Elephants and had her feet cloven into toes like Iulius Caesars horse with slouch-hanging ears like the goats in Languedoc and a little horn on her buttock she was of a burnt sorel hue with a little mixture of daple gray spots but above all she had a horrible tail for it was little more or less then every whit as great as the Steeple of St. Mark besides Langes and squared as that is with tuffs and hair plaits wrought within one another no otherwise then as the beards are upon the ears of corn If you wonder at this wonder rather at the Tails of the Scythian Rams which weighed above thirty pounds each and of the Suâ—ian Sheep who need if â—enaud say true a little cart at their heels to bear up their Tail it is so long and heavy You Country wenches have no such Tails And she was brought by Sea in three Carricks and a Brigantine unto the Harbour of Olone in Thalmondois When Grangousier saw her Here is said he vvhat is fit to carry my Son to Paris So now in the name of God all vvill be vvell he vvill one day be a great Scholar vvere it not for Dunces vve should all be Doctors The next Morning after they had drunk you must understand they took their Journey Gargantua his Pedagogue Ponoorates and their Equipage and with them Eudemon the young Page and because the weather was fair and temperate his Father caused to be made him a pair of dun boots Babin calls them buskins Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high-way always making good chear and and were very pleasant till they came a little above Orleans in which place there was a forrest of five and thirty leagues long and seventeen in breadth or thereabouts This Forrest was most horribly fertile and copious in Dorflies Hornets and Wasps so that it was a very Purgatory for the poor Mares Asses and Horses But Gargantua's Mare did avenge her self handsomly of all the out-rages therein committed upon Beasts of her quality and that by a trick whereof they had no suspicion For as soon as ever they were entred into the said Forrest and that the Wasps had given the assault she drew out her tail and therewith skirmishing did so sweep them that she overthrew all the Wood alongst and athwart here and there this way and that way longwise and sidewise over and under and felled every where the wood with as much ease as a mower doth the grass in such sort that never since hath there been there neither Wood nor Waspâ— For all the Countrey vvas hâ—â—â—by reduced to a plain champian-Field Which Gargantua took great pleasure to behold and said to his company no more but this Ie trove beauce I find this pretty whereupon that countrey hath been ever since that time called Beauce But all the breakfast the Mare got that day was but a little yawning and gaping in memory whereof the Gentlemen of Beauce do as yet to this day break their fast with gaping which they find to be very good and do spit the better for it At last they came to Paris where Gargantua refresh't himself two or three days making very merry with his folks and enquiring what Men of learning there were then in the City and what wine they drunk there CHAP. XVII How Gargantua payed his Beverage to the Parisians and how he took away the great Bells of our Lady's Church SOme few days after that they had refresht themselves he went to see the City and was beheld of every Body there with great Admiration For the People of Paris are such Fools such Puppies and Naturals that a Jugler a Carrier of Indulgences a Sumpter-horse a Mule with his Bells a Blind Fidler in the middle of a cross Lane shall draw a greater confluence of People together than an Evangelical Preacher And they prest so hard upon him that he vvas constrained to rest himself upon the Steeple of our Lady's Church at which place seeing so many about him he said with a loud Voice I believe that these Buzzards will have me to pay them here my Welcom hither and my Beverage It is but good reason I will now give them their Wine but it shall be only a Par ris that is in Sport Then smiling he untied his goodly Codpiece and lugging out his Roger into the open Air he so bitterly all to bepist them that he drowned Two hundred and sixty thousand four hundred and eighteen besides the Women and little Children Some nevertheless of the Company escaped this Piss-flood by meer speed of Foot who when they were at the higher end of the University sweating coughing spitting and out of breath they began to swear and curse some in good hot earnest and others Par ris Carimari Carimara Golynoly Golynolo Ods-Bodikins we are washed Par ris from whence that City hath been ever since called Paris whose name formerly was Leucotia as Strabo testifieth lib. quarto which in Greek is Whiteness because of the white Thighs of the Ladies of that place And forasmuch as at this imposition of a new name all the People that were there swore every one by the Sancts of his Parish the Parisians which are patch'd up of all Nations and all manner of Men are by Nature good at Swearing and not a little domineering whereupon Ioanninus de Barrauco libro de copiositate reverentâ—arum thinks that they are
and will Banter and Lye as fast as a Dog can trot Being return'd home they did eat at Supper more soberly than at other times and meats more desicâ—ative and extenuating to the end that the intemperate moisture of the Air communicated to the Bodyly a necessary confinity might by this means be corrected and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily Exercise Thus was Gargantua governed and kept on in this course of Education from day to day profiting as you understand such a young Man of his Age and good Sence so kept to his Exercise may well do Which although at the beginning it seemed difficult became a little after so sweet so easie and so delightful that it seem'd rather the Recreation of a King then the study of a Scholar Nevertheless Ponocrates to divert him from this vehement intension of the Spirits thought fit once in a Month upon some fair and clear day to go out of the City betimes in the Morning either towards Gentilly or Boulogne or to Montrouge or Charenton bridge or to Vanures or St. Clou and there spend all the day long in making the greatest chear that could be devised sporting making merry drinking healths playing singing dancing tumbling in some fair Meadow unnestling of Sparrows taking of Quails and fishing for Frogs and Crabs But although that day was past without Books or Lecture yet was it not spent without profit for in the said Meadows they usually repeated certain pleasant Verses of Virgiâ—'s Agriculture of Hesiod and of Politian's Husbandry would set a broach some witty Latin Epigrams then immediately turned them into Roundlays and Songs in the French Language In their Feasting they would sometimes separate the Water from the Wine that was therewith mixed as Cato teacheth de re rustica and Pliny with an Ivy Cup would wash the Wine in a Basin full of Water then take it out again with a Funnel as pure as ever They made the Water go from one Glass to another and contrived a thousand little automatary Engines that is to say moving of themselves CHAP. XXV How there was great Strife and Debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerne and those of Gargantua's Country whereupon were waged great Wars AT that time which was the Season of Vintage in the beginning of Harvest when the Country-Shepherds were set to keep the Vines and hinder the Starlings from eating up the Grapes As some Cake-bakers of Lerne happened to pass along in the broad high way driving unto the City Ten or Twelve Horses loaded with Cakes the said Shepherds courteously intreated them to give them some for their Money as the price then ruled in the Market For here it is to be remarked That it is a Celestial Food to eat for Breakfast hot fresh Cakes with Grapes especially the frail Clusters the great red Grapes Muscadine the Verjuice Grape and the Luskard for those that are costive in their Belly because it will make them gush out and squirt the length of a Hunter's staff like the very tap of a Barrel and often-times thinking to let a squib they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves whereupon they are commonly called the Vintage-thinkers The Cake-bakers were in nothing inclinable to their Request but which was worse did injure them most outragiously calling them pratling Gablers lickorous Gluttons freckled Bittors mangy Rascals shite-abed Scoundrels drunken Roysters sly Knaves drowsie Loiterers slapsauce Fellows slabberdegullion Druggels lubbardly Louts cousining Foxes ruffian Rogues paultry Customers sycophant Varlets drawlatch Hoydons flouting Milk sops jeering Companions staring Clowns forlorn Snakes ninny Lobcocks scurvy Sneaksbies fondling Fops base Loons saucy Coxcombs idle Lusks scoffing Braggards noddy Meacocks blockish Grutnols Doddipol Iolt heads jobernol Goosecaps foolish Loggerheads slutch Calf lollies grout-head Gnatsnapper Lob dotterels gaping Changelings codshead Loobies woodcock Slangams ninny-hammer Flycatchers noddipeak Simpletons turgy Gut shitten Shepherds and other such defamatory Epithetes saying further that it was not for them to eat of these dainty Cakes but might very well content themselves with the course unraunged Bread or to eat of the great brown Houshold Loaf To which provoking words one amongst them called Forgier an honest Fellow of his person and a notable Springal made answer very calmly thus How long is it since you have got Horns that you are become so proud Indeed formerly you were wont to give us some freely and will you not now let us have some for our Money This is not the part of good Neighbours neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good Corn whereof you make your Cakes and Buns Besides that we would have given you to the bargain some of our Grapes but by his Zounds you may chance to repent it and possibly have need of us at another time when we shall use you after the like manner and therefore remember it Then Marquet a prime Man in the Confraternity of the Cake-bakers said unto him Yea Sir thou art pretty well crestâ—risen this Morning thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymoug come hither Sirrah come hither I will give thee some Cakes Whereupon Forgier dreading no harm in all simplicity went towards him and drew a Six Pence out of his Leather Sachel thinking that Marquet would have sold him some of his Cakes but instead of Cakes he gave him with his Whip such a rude lash overthwart the Legs that the marks remain'd then would have fled away but Forgier cried out as loud as he could O Murther Murther help help help and in the mean time threw a great Cudgel after him which he carried under his arm wherewith he hit him in the Coronal Joint of his head upon the Crotaphic Artery of the right side thereof so forcibly that Marquet fell down from his Mare more like a dead then living Man Mean while the Farmers and Country Swains that were watching their Walnuts near to that place came running with their great Poles and long Staves and laid such load on these Cake-bakers as if they had been to thresh upon green Rye The other Shepherds and Shepherddesses hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier came with their slings and slackies following them and throwing great stones at them as thick as Hail At last these overtook them and took from them about four or five dozen of their Cakes Nevertheless they payed for them the ordinary price and gave them over and above one hundred Eggs and three Baskets full of Mulberries Then did the Cake-bakers help to get Marquet mounted upon his Mare again who was most shrewdly wounded and forthwith they returned to Lerne changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille threatning very sharp and boistrously the Cowherds Shepherds and Farmers of Sevile and Sinays This done the Shepherds and Shepherddesses made merry with these Cakes and fine Grapes and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small Pipe scoffing and laughing at those vain-glorious Cake-bakers
served you honestly Reason said he will have it so that is but just I give unto you the Caramania Surie and all the Palestine Ha Sir said they it is your goodness Grammercie God grant you may always prosper There was present at the time an old Gentleman well experienced in in the Wars a stern Souldier and who had been in many great hazards named Echephron who hearing this discourse said I do grealty doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tail of the pitcher full of Milk wherewith a Shomaker made himself rich in conceit but when the pitcher was broken he had not whereupon to dine What do you pretend by these large Conquests what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses Thus it shall be said Picrochole that when we return we shall sit down rest and be merry But said Echephron if by chance you should never come back for the voyage is long and dangerous where it not better for us to take our rest now then unnecessarily to expose our selves to so many dangers O said Swashbuckler by G here is a good dotard come let us go hide our selves in the corner of a Chimney and there spend the whole time of our life amongst Ladies in threading of peaâ—ls or spinning like Sardanapalus He that nothing ventures hath neither Horse nor Mule said Solomon He who adventureth too much said Echepron loseth both Horse and Mule as Malchon answered Enough said Picrochole go forward I fear nothing but that these Devillish Legions of Grangousier whilst we are in Mesopotamia will come on our backs and charge upon our rear what remedy then A very good one said Durtaille send a pretty round Commission to the Muscoviters And they bring instantly into the Field for you four hundred and fifty thousand choice fighting Men. O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General how I should truss up the Rogues with discipline I fret I charge I strike I take I kill I slay I play the Devil On on said Picrochole he that loves me follow me CHAP. XXXIV How Gargantua left the City of Paris to Succour his Country and how Gymnast encountered with the Enemy IN this same very hour Gargantua who was gone out of Paris as soon as he had read his Father's Letters coming upon his great mare had already past the Nunnery-bridge himself Ponocrates Gymnast and Eudemon to go along with him took Post-horses The rest of his Train came after him by even journeys bringing with them all his Books and Philosophical Instruments As soon as he had alighted at Parille he was informed by a Farmer of Gouget how Picrochole had fortified himself within the Rock Clermond and had sent Captain Tripet with a great Army to set upon the Wood of Vede and Vaugaudry and that they had already plundered the whole Country not leaving Cock nor Hen even as far as to the Wine-press of Billiard and that it was a strange thing and hardly to be credited what ravage they had committed over all the Land which so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor what to do But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon who at all times had been their Friend and Confederate and that by him they should be better advised in their Business Which they did incontinently and found him very willing to assist them and he was of opinion that they should send some one of his Company to scout along and discover the Country to learn in what condition and posture the Enemy was that they might take Counsel and proceed according to the present occasion Gymnast offering himself to go whereupon it was concluded that for his safety and the better expedition he should have with him some one that knew the Ways Avenues Turnings Windings and Rivers thereabout Then away went he and Prelingot Gentleman of Vauguyon's Horse who scouted and espied on all quarters without any fear In the mean time Gargantua took a little refreshment eat somewhat himself the like did those that were with him and caused to give to his Mare a Picotine of Oats that is Threescore and fourteen Quarters and three Bushels Gymnast and his Camrade rode so long that at last they met with the Enemies Forces all scattered and out of order Plundering Stealing Robbing and Pillaging all they could lay their Hands on And as far off as they could perceive him they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him to unload him of his Money and untruss his Portmantles Then cried he out unto them My Masters I am a poor Devil I desire you to spare me I have yet one Crown left come we must drink it for it is aurum potabile and this Horse here shall be sold to pay my welcom afterwards take me for one of your own for never yet was there any Man that knew better how to take lard rost and dress yea by G to tear asunder and devour a Hen then I that am here And for my Beverage I drink to all good Fellows With that he unscrued his Leathern Bottle and without putting in his Nose drank very handsomly the Rogues looked upon him opening their Throats a Foot wide and putting out their Tongues like Greyhounds in hopes to drink after him But Captain Tripet in the very nick came running to him to see who it was To him Gymnast offer'd his Bottle saying Hold Captain drink boldly and spare not I have been thy taster it is Wine of La fay monjau What says Tripet this Fellow gybes and flouts us who art thou said Tripet I am said Gymnast a poor Devil pauvre diable Ha said Tripet seeing thou art a poor Devil it is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go whither-soever thou wilt for all poor Devils pass every where without toll or tax but it is not the custom of poor Devils to be so well mounted therefore Sir Devil come down and let me have your Horse and if he do not carry me well you Master Devil must do it for I love a Life that such a Devil as you should carry me away CHAP. XXXV How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet and others of Picrochole's Men WHen they heard these words some amongst them began to be afraid and blest themselves with both hands thinking indeed that he had been a Devil disguised Insomuch that one of them named Good Iohn Captain of the trained Bands took his Psalter out of his Codpiece and cried out aloud Hagios ho Theos If thou be of God speak if thou be of the other Spirit avoid hence and get thee going Yet he went not away which words being heard by all the Souldiers that were there divers of them being a little inwardly terrified departed from the place All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his Horse as he was poising himself on the mounting side he
but to languish Ah Badebec Badebec my Minion my dear Heart my Pigsney my Duck my Honey my little C yet it hath in Circumference full six Acres three Rods five Poles four Yards two Feet one Inch and a half of good Woodland Measure my tender Peggy my Codpiece-Darling my bob and hit my Slipshoe-Lovy never shall I see thee Ah poor Pantagruel thou hast lost thy good Mother thy sweet Nurse thy well-beloved Lady O false Death how injurious and despightful hast thou been to me How malicious and outragious have I found thee in taking her from me my well-beloved Wife who should of right have been immortal With these words he did cry like a Cow but on a sudden fell a laughing like a Calf when Pantagruel came into his Mind Ha my little Son said he my Childilolly Fedlifondy Dandlichucky my Ballocky my pretty Rogue O how jolly thou art and how much am I bound to my gracious God that hath been pleased to bestow on me a Son so fair so spriteful so lively so smiling so pleasant and so gentle Ho ho ho ho how glad I am Let us drink ho and put away Melancholy bring of the best rinse the Glasses lay the Cloth drive out these Dogs blow this Fire light Candles shut that Door there cut this Bread in sippets for Brewis send away these poor Folks give them what they ask hold my Gown I will strip my self into my Doublet én cuerpo to make the Gossips merry and keep them company As he spake this he heard the Letanies and the Memento's of the Priests that carried his Wife to be buried which dash'd all his Merriment agen and was suddenly ravished another way saying Lord God must I again contrist my self this grieves me I am no longer young I grow old the Weather is dangerous I am sick I faint away by the Faith of a Gentleman it were better to cry less and drink more My Wife is dead well by G da jurandi I shall not raise her again by my crying she is well she is in Paradise at least if she be no higher she prayeth to God for us she is happy she is above the sense of our Miseries nor can our Calamities reach her What tho she be dead must not we also die the same Debt which she hath paid hangs over our Heads Nature will require it of us and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce let her pass then and the Lord preserve the Survivors for I must now cast about how to get another Wife But I will tell you what you shall do said he to the Midwives where be they good Folks I cannot see them go you to my Wife's Interment and I will the while rock my Son for I find my self strangely altered and in danger of falling sick but drink one good Draught first you will be the better for it believe me upon my Honour They at his requst went to her Burial and Funeral Obsequies in the mean while poor Gargantua staying at home and willing to have somewhat in Remembrance of her to be engraven upon her Tomb made this Epitaph in the manner as followeth Dead is the noble Badebec Who had a Face like a Rebeck A Spanish Body and a Belly Of Swisserland she dy'd I tell ye In Child-birth pray to God that her He pardon wherein she did err Here lies her Body which did live Free from all Vice as I believe And did decease at my Bed-side The Year and Day in which she dy'd CHAP. IV. Of the Infancy of Pantagruel I Find by the Ancient Historiographers and Poets that divers have been born in this World after very strange manners which would be too long to repeat read therefore the seventh Chapter of Pliny if you have so much leisure yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of Pantagruel for it is a very difficult matter to believe how in the little time he was in his Mother's Belly he grew both in Body and Strength That which Hercules did was nothing when in his Cradle he slew two Serpents for those Serpents were but little and weak but Pantagruel being ye◠in his Cradle did far more admirable things and more to be amazed at I pass by here the Relation of how at every one of his Meals he supped up the Milk of four thousand and six hundred Cows and how to make him a Skellet to boil his Milk in there were set awork all the Brasiers of Somure in Anjoy of Villedieu in Normandy and of Bramont in Lorrain and they served in this Whitepot-meat to him in a huge great Bell which is yet to be seen in the City of Bourge in Berry near the Palace but his Teeth were already so well grown and so strengthned in Vigor that of the said Bell he bit off a great Morsel as very plainly doth appear till this hour One Day in the Morning when they would have made him suck one of his Cows for he never had any other Nurse as the History tells us he got one of his Arms loose from the swadling Bands wherewith he was kept fast in the Cradle laid hold on the said Cow under the left fore-Ham and grasping her to him ate up her Udder and half her Paunch with the Liver and the Kidnies and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly as if the Wolves had held her by the Legs at which Noise Company came in and took away the said Cow from Pantagruel yet could they not so well do it but that the Quarter whereby he caught her was left in his Hand of which Quarter he gulp'd up the Flesh in a trice even with as much ease as you would eat a Sassage and that so greedily with desire of more that when they would have taken away the Bone from him he swallowed it down whole as a Cormorant would do a little Fish and afterwards began fumblingly to say Good good good for he could not yet speak plain giving them to understand thereby that he had found it very good and that he did lack but so much more which when they saw that attended him they bound him with great Cable-Ropes like those that are made at Tain for the Carriage of Salt to Lyons or such as those are whereby the great French Ship rides at Anchor in the Road of New-haven in Normandy But on a certain time a great Bear which his Father had bred got loose came towards him began to lick his Face for his Nurses had not throughly wiped his Chaps at which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended he as lightly rid himself of those great Cables as Samson did of the Hauser Ropes wherewith the Philistines had tied him and by your leave takes up Monsieur the Bear and tears him to you in pieces like a Pullet which served him for a Gorge-full or good warm Bit for that Meal Whereupon Gargantua fearing lest the Child should hurt himself caused
said Pantagruel Thus said Panurge for when with Pleasure I beheld this jolly Fire jesting with my self and saying Ha poor Flies ha poor Mice you will have a bad Winter of it this Year the Fire is in your Reeks it is in your Bed-straw Out came more than six yea more than thirteen hundred and eleven Dogs great and small altogether out of the Town flying away from the Fire At the first Approach they ran all upon me being carried on by the Scent of my leacherous half-roasted Flesh and had even then devoured me in a trice if my good Angel had not well inspired me with the Instruction of a Remedy very sovereign against the Pain of the Teeth And wherefore said Pantagruel wert thou afraid of the Pain of the Teeth wert thou not cured of thy Rheums By Palm-Sunday said Panurge is there any greater Pain of the Teeth than when the Dogs have you by the Legs But on a sudden as my good Angel directed me I thought upon my Lardons and threw them into the midst of the Field among them then did the Dogs run and fight with one another at fair Teeth which should have the Lardons by this means they left me and I left them also bustling with and haring one another Thus did I escape frolick and lively Grammerie Roast-meat and Cookery CHAP. XV. How Panurge shewed a very new way to build the Walls of Paris PAntagruel one Day to refresh himself of his Study went a walking towards St. Marcel's Suburbs to see the Extravagancy of the Gobeline Building and to taste of their spiced Bread Panurge was with him having always a Flaggon under his Gown and a good Slice of a Gammon of Bacon for without this he never went saying That it was his Life-guard other Sword carried he none And when Pantagruel would have given him one he answered that he needed none for that it would but heat his Feius Yea but said Epistemon if thou shouldest be set upon how wouldest thou defend thy self With great brodkin Blows answered he provided Thrusts were forbidden At their return Panurge considered the Walls of the City of Paris and in derision said to Pantagruel See what fair Walls here are O how strong they are and well fitted to keep Geese in a Coop to fatten them by my Beard they are very sorry Walls for such a City as this is for a Cow with one Fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them O my Friend said Pantagruel dost thou know what Agesilaus said when he was asked Why the great City of Lacedemon was not inclosed with Walls shewing them the Inhabitants and Citizens so strong so well armed and so expert in Military Discipline Lo here said he the Walls of the City Signifying thereby that there is no Wall but of Bones and that Towns and Cities cannot have a surer Wall nor better Fortification than the Prowess and Vertue of the Citizens and Inhabitants So is this City so strong by the great number of Warlike People that are in it that they care not for making any other Walls Besides whosoever would go about to wall it as Strasbourg Orleans or Ferrara would find it almost impossible the Cost and Charges would be so excessive Yea but said Panurge it is good nevertheless to have an outside of Stone when we are invaded by our Enemies were it but to ask Who is below there As for the enormous Expence which you say would be needful for undertaking the great Work of walling this City about if the Gentlemen of the Town will be pleased to give me a good rough Cup of Wine I will shew them a pretty strange and new way how they may build them good cheap How said Pantagruel Do not speak of it then answered Panurge and I will tell it you I see that the what d' ye Call-ums of the Women of this Country are better cheap than Stones of them should the Walls be built ranging them in good Symmetry by the Rules of Architecture and placing the largest in the first Ranks then sloping downwards Ridg-ways like the Back of an Ass the middle sized ones must be ranked next and last of all the least and smallest This done there must be a fine little interlacing of them like Points of Diamonds as is to be seen in the great Tower of Bourges with a like number of the lusty Catfoes that dwell in amongst the claustral Cod-pieces What Devil were able to overthrow such Walls there is no Metal like it to resist Blows in so far that if Culverin-shot should come to grase upon it you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed Fruit of the great Pox as small as Rain Beware in the name of the Devils and hold off Furthermore No Thunderbolt or Lightning would fall upon it for why they are all either blest or consecrated I see but one Inconveniency in it Ho ho ha ha ha said Pantagruel and what is that It is that the Flies would be so lickorish of them to a Wonder and would quickly gather there together and there leave their Ordure and Excretions and so all the Work would be spoiled But see how that might be remedied they must be wiped and made rid of the Flies with fair Fox-tails or good great Ass-pizzles of Provence And to this purpose I will tell you as we go to Supper a brave Example set down by Frater Lubinus libro de compotationibus mendicantium In the time that the Beasts did speak which is not yet three Days ago a poor Lion walking through the Forest of Bieure and saying his own little private Devotions past under a Tree where there was a roguish Collier gotten up to cut down Wood who seeing the Lion cast his Hatchet at him and wounded him enormously in one of his Legs whereupon the Lion halting so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the Forest to find help till at last he met with a Carpenter who willingly look'd upon his Wound cleansed it as well as he could and filled it with Moss telling him that he must wipe his Wound well that the Flies might not do their Excrements in it whilst he should go search for some Millefoil commonly called the Carpenter's Herb. The Lion being thus healed walked along in the Forrest at what time a sempiternous old Hag was picking up and gathering some Sticks in the said Forest who seeing the Lion coming towards her for fear fell down backwards in such sort that the Wind blew up her Gown Coats and Smock even as far as above her Shoulders Which the Lion perceiving for pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the Fall and thereupon considering her what you call it said O poor Woman who hath thus wounded thee which Words when he had spoken he espied a Fox whom he called to come to him saying Gossip Renard hau hither hither and for cause When the Fox was come he said unto him My Gossip and
Friend they have hurt this good Woman here between the Legs most villanously and there is a manifest Solution of Continuity see how great a Wound it is even from the Tail up to the Navel in measure four nay full five Hand-fulls and a half this is the Blow of an Hatchet I doubt me it is an old Wound and therefore that the Flies may not get into it wipe it lustily well and hard I prethee both within and without thou hast a good Tail and long wipe my Friend wipe I beseech thee and in the mean while I will go get some Moss to put into it For thus ought we to succour and help one another Wipe it hard thus my Friend wipe it well for this Wound must be often wiped otherwise the Party cannot be at ease Go to wipe well my little Gossip wipe God hath furnished thee with a Tail thou hast a long one and of a Bigness proportionable wipe hard and be not weary A good Wiper who in wiping continually wipeth with his Wipard by Wasps shall never be wounded Wipe my pretty Minion wipe my little Bully I will not stay long Then went he to get store of Moss and when he was a little way off he cried out in speaking to the Fox thus Wipe well still Gossip wipe and let it never grieve thee to wipe well my little Gossip I will put thee into Service to be Wiper to Don Pedro de Castille wipe only wipe and no more The poor Fox wiped as hard as he could here and there within and without but the false old Trot did so fizzle and foist that she stunk like a hundred Devils Which put the poor Fox to a great deal of ill ease for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury Perfume of this old Woman's postern Blasts And whilst to that effect he was shifting hither and thither without knowing how to shun the Annoyance of those unwholesom Gusts he saw that behind there was yet another Hole not so great as that which he did wipe out of which came this filthy and infectious Air. The Lion at last returned bringing with him of Moss more than eighteen Packs would hold and began to put it into the Wound with a Staff which he had provided for that purpose and had already put in full sixteen Packs and a half at which he was amazed What a Devil said he this Wound is very deep it would hold above two Cart-loads of Moss The Fox perceiving this said unto the Lion O Gossip Lion my Friend I pray thee do not put in all thy Moss there keep somewhat for there is yet here another little Hole that stinks like five hundred Devils I am almost choaked with the smell thereof it is so pestiferous and impoisoning In this manner said Panurge must these Walls be kept from the Flies and Wages allowed to some for wiping of them Then said Pantagruel How dost thou know that the privy Parts of Women are at such a cheap Rate for in this City there are many vertuous honest and chaste Women besides the Maids Et ubi prenus said Panurge I will give you my Opinion of it and that upon certain and assured Knowledg I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and seventeen since I came into this City though it be but nine days ago But this very Morning I met with a good Fellow who in a Wallet such as Aesop's was carried two little Girls of two or three years old at the most one before and the other behind He demanded Alms of me but I made him answer that I had more Cods than Pence Afterwards I asked him good Man these two Girls are they Maids Brother said he I have carried them thus these two years and in regard of her that is before whom I see continually in my Opinion she is a Virgin nevertheless I will not put my Finger in the Fire for it as for her that is behind doubtless I can say nothing Indeed said Pantagruel thou art a merry Companion I will have thee to be apparelled in my Livery and therefore caused him to be clothed most gallantly according to the Fashion that then was only that Panurge would have the Cod-piece of his Breeches three Foot-long and in shape square not round which was done and was well worth the seeing Often-times was he wont to say that the World had not yet known the Emolument and Utility that is in wearing great Cod-pieces but Time would one day teach it them as all things have been invented in time God keep from hurt said he the good Fellow whose great Cod-piece hath saved his Life God keep from hurt him whose great Cod-piece hath been worth to him in one day one hundred threescore thousand and nine Crowns God keep from hurt him who by his great Cod-piece hath saved a whole City from dying by Famine And by G I will make a Book of the Commodity of great Cod-pieces when I shall have more leasure And indeed he composed a fair great Book with Figures but it is not printed as yet that I know of CHAP. XVI Of the Qualities and Conditions of Panurge PAnurge was of a middle Stature not too high nor too low and had somewhat an Aquiline Nose made like the Handle of a Razor He was at that time five and thirty Years old or thereabouts fine to gild like a leaden Dagger for he was a very gallant Man of his Person only that he was a little lewd and naturally subject to a kind of Disease which at that time they called Lack of Money a Malady Nompareil yet notwithstanding he had threescore and three Tricks to help himself at his need Of which the most honourable and most ordinary was by the way of filching for he was a quarrelsom Fellow a Sharper Drinker Royster Scowrer and a very dissolute and debauch'd Fellow if there were any in Paris otherwise and in all Matters else the best Man in the World And he was still contriving some Plot and devising Mischief against the Serjeants and the Watch. At one time he assembled three or four especial good Hacksters and roaring Boys made them in the Evening drink like Templers afterwards led them till they came under St. Genevieve or about the College of Navar and at the Hour that the Watch was coming up that way which he knew by putting his Sword upon the Pavement and his Ear by it and when he heard his Sword shake it was an infallible Sign that the Watch was near at that instant then he and his Companions took a Tumbrel or Dung-cart and gave it the Brangle hurling it with all their Force down the Hill and so overthrew all the poor Watchmen like Pigs and then ran away upon the other side for in less than two days he knew all the Streets Lanes and Turnings in Paris as well as his Deus deâ— At another time he made in some fair Place where the said
Watch was to pass a Train of Gun-powder and at the very instant that they went along set fire to it and then made himself Sport to see what good Grace they had in running away thinking that St. Anthony's Fire had caught them by the Legs As for the poor Masters of Arts he did persecute them above all others When he encountered with any of them upon the Street he would never fail to put some Trick or other upon them sometimes putting a fry'd Turd in their Graduate Hoods at other times pinning on little Fox-tails or Hares-ears behind them or some such other roguish Prank One Day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder-street he made a Borbonnesa Tart made of store of Gâ—â—lick of Assa foetida of Castoreum of Dogs Turds very warm which he steep'd temper'd and liquifi'd in the corrupt Matter of pocky Biles and pestiferous Botchâ—s and very early in the Morning therewith anointed all the Pavement in such sort that the Devil could not have endured it Which made all these good People there to lay up their Gorges and vomit what was upon their Stomachs before all the World as if they had flayed the Fox And ten or twelve of them died of the Plague fourteen became Lepers eighteen grew Lousy and above seven and twenty had the Pox but he did not care a Button for it He commonly carried a Whip under his Gown wherewith he whipt without remission the Pages whom he found carrying Wine to their Masters to make them mend their pace In his Coat he had above six and twenty little Fabs and Pockets always full one with some Lead-water and a little Knife as sharp as a Glover's Needle wherewith he used to cut Purses Another with some kind of bitter Stuff which he threw into the Eyes of those he met Another with Clotburs penned with little Geese or Capons Feathers which he cast upon the Gowns and Caps of honest People and often made them fair Horns which they wore about all the City sometimes all their Life Very often also upon the Womens Hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the Shape of a Man's Member In another he had a great many little Horns full of Fleas 〈◊〉 Lice which he borrowed from the 〈◊〉 of St. Innocent and cast them 〈…〉 â—mall Canes or Quills to write with â—nto the Necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen 〈…〉 could find yea even in the Church for he never seated himself above in the Quire but always sate in the Body of the Church amongst the Women both at Mass at Vespres and at Sermon In another he used to have good store of Hooks and Buckles where withal he would couple Men and Women together that sate in company close to one another but especially those that wore Gowns of Crimson Taffaties that when they were about to go away they might rent all their Gowns In another he had a Squib furnished with Tinder Matches Stones to strike Fire and all other Tackling necessary for it In another two or three burning Glasses wherewith he made both Men and Women sometimes mad and in the Church put them quite out of Countenance for he said that there was but an Antistrophe between a Woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse In another he had a good deal of Needles and Thread wherewith he did a thousand little devillish Pranks One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall where a Cordelier was to say Mass to the Counsellors he did help to apparel him and put on his Vestments but in the accoutring of him he sowed on his Alb Surplice or Stole to his Gown and Shirt and then withdrew himself when the said Lords of the Court or Counsellors came to hear the said Mass but when it came to the Ite missa est that the poor Frater would have laid by his Stole or Surplice he plucked off withal both his Frock and Shirt which were well sowed together and thereby stripping himself up to the very Shoulders shewed his what do you Call-um to all the World which was no small one as you may imagine and the Friar still kept haling but so much the more did he discover himself and lay open his Back-parts till one of the Lords of the Court said How now what 's the matter will this good Father make us here an Offering of his Tail to kiss it nay St. Anthony's Fire kiss it for us From thenceforth was made an Ordinance that the poor Fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the World but in their Vestry-room especially in the presence of Women lest it should tempt them to the Sin of Longing and disordinate Desire The People then asked why it was the Friars had so long and large Genitories the said Panurge resolved the Problem very neatly saying That which makes Asses to have such great Ears is that their Dams did put no Biggins on their Heads as Alliaco mentioneth in his Suppositions by the like Reason that which makes the Generation-Tools of those fair Fraters so long is for that they ware no bottomed Breeches and therefore their jolly Member having no Impediment hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach with a wigle-wagle down to their Knees as Woman carry their Patinotre Beads And the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is that in this constant wig-wagging the Humours of the Body descend into the said Member for according to the Legists Agitation and continual Motion is cause of Attraction Item He had another Pocket full of itching Powder called Stone-allum whereof he would cast some into the Backs of those Women whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately which did so ticklishly gall them that some would strip themselves in the open view of the World and others dance like a Cock upon hot Embers or a Drum-stick on a Taber others again ran about the Streets and he would run after them to such as were in the stripping Vein he would very civilly come to offer his Attendance and cover them with his Cloak like a courteous and very gracious Man Item In another he had a little Leather-bottle full of old Oil wherewith when he saw any Man or Woman in a rich new handsom Sute he would grease smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of touching them saying This is good Cloth this is good Sattin good Taffaties Madam God give you all that your noble Heart desireth you have a new Sute pretty Sir and you a new Gown sweet Mistris God give you Joy of it and maintain you in all Prosperity and with this would lay his Hand upon their Shoulder at which touch such a villanous Spot was left behind so enormously engraven to Perpetuity in the very Soul Body and Reputation that the Devil himself could never have taken it away Then upon his departing he would say Madam take heed you do not fall for
and went about to bring to his lure one of the greatest Ladies in the City And indeed leaving a Rabble of long Prologues and Protestations which ordinarily these dolent contemplative Lent-lovers make who never meddle with the Flesh one Day he said unto her Madam it would be a very great Benefit to the Commonwealth delightful to you honourable to your Progeny and necessary for me that I cover you for the propagating of my Race and believe it for Experience will teach it you The Lady at this Word thrust him back above a hundred Leagues saying You mischievous Fool is it for you to talk thus unto me whom do you think you have in hand be gone never to come in my Sight again for if one thing were not I would have your Legs and Arms cut off Well said he that were all one to me to want both Legs and Arms provided you and I had but one merry bout together at the brangle Buttock-game for here within is in shewing her his long Codpiece Master Iohn Thursday who will play you such an Antick that you shall feel the Sweetness thereof even to the very Marrow of your Bones He is a Gallant and doth so well know how to find out all the Corners Creeks and ingrained Inmates in your carnal Trap that after him there needs no Broom he 'l sweep so well before and leave nothing to his Followers to work upon Whereunto the Lady answered Go Villain go if you speak to me one such Word more I will cry out and make you to be knocked down with Blows Ha said he you are not so bad as you say no or else I am deceived in your Physiognomy for sooner shall the Earth mount up unto the Heavens and the highest Heavens descend unto the Hells and all the Course of Nature be quite perverted than that in so great Beauty and Neatness as in you is there should be one Drop of Gall or Malice They say indeed that hardly shall a Man ever see a fair Woman that is not also stubborn yet that is spoke only of those vulgar Beauties but yours is so excellent so singular and so heavenly that I believe Nature hath given it you as a Paragon and Master-piece of her Art to make us know what she can do when she will imploy all her Skill and all her Power There is nothing in you but Honey but Sugar but a sweet and celestial Manna To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the golden Apple not to Venus no nor to Iuno nor to Minerva for never was there so much Magnificence in Iuno so much Wisdom in Minerva nor so much Comeliness in Venus as there is in you O heavenly Gods and Goddesses how happy shall that Man be to whom you will grant the Favour to embrace her to kiss her and to rub his Bacon with hers by G that shall be I I know it well for she loves me already her Belly full I am sure of it and so was I predestinated to it by the Fairies And therefore that we lose no Time put on thrust out your Gamons Then he would have imbraced her but she made as if she would put out her Head at the Window to call her Neighbours for Help Then Panurge on a sudden ran out and in his running away said Madam stay here till I come again I will go call them my self do not you take so much Pains Thus went he away not much caring for the Repulse he had got nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it The next Day he came to the Church at the Time that she went to Mass at the Door he gave her some of the Holy Water bowing himself very low before her afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her Madam know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love I do not know Lady what you mean but if I should take any hurt by it how much would you be to blame Go said she go I do not care let me alone to say my Prayers Ay but said he equivocate upon a Beaumon le viconte I cannot said she It is said he a beau con le vit monte and upon this pray to God to give you that which your noble Heart desireth and I pray you give me these Patenotres Take them said she and trouble me no longer This done she would have taken off her Patenotres which were made of a kind of yellow Stone called Cestrin and adorned with great Spots of Gold but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his Knives wherewith he cut them off very handsomly and whilst he was going away to carry them to the Brokers he said to her Will you have my Knife No no said she But said he to the Point I am at your Commandment Body and Goods Tripes and Bowels In the mean time the Lady was not well content with the Want of her Patinotres for they were one of her Implements to keep her Countenance by in the Church then thought with her self this bold flouting Royster is some giddy fantastical light-headed Fool of a strange Country I shall never recover my Patenotres again what will my Husband say he will no doubt be angry with me but I will tell him that a Thief hath cut them off from my Hands in the Church which he will easily believe seeing the End of the Ribbon left at my Girdle After Dinner Panurge went to see her carrying in his Sleeve a great Purse full of Palace-crowns called Counters and began to say unto her Which of us two loveth other best you me or I you Whereunto she answered As for me I do not hate you for as God commands I love all the World But to the Point said he are not you in love with me I have said she told you so many times already that you should talk so no more to me and if you speak of it again I will teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly get you hence packing and deliver me my Patenotres that my Husband may not ask me for them How now Madam said he your Patenotres Nay by mine Oath I will not do so but I will give you others had you rather have them of Gold well enamelled in great round Knobs or after the manner of Love-knots or otherwise all massive like great Ingots or if you had rather have them of Ebene of Iacinth or of grained Gold with the Marks of fine Turkoises or of fair Topazes marked with fine Saphirs or of baleu Rubies with great Marks of Diamonds of eight and twenty Squares No no all this is too little I know a fair Bracelet of fine Emeraulds marked with spotted Ambergris and at the Buckle a Persian Pearl as big as an Orange it will not cost above five and twenty thousand Ducats I will make you a Present of it for I have ready Coin enough and withal he made a
Pleasure as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the Army of Sennacherib If it may please thee therefore at this time to assist me as my whole Trust and Confidence is in thee alone I vow unto thee that in all Countries whatsoever wherein I shall have any Power or Authority whether in this of Vtopia or elsewhere I will cause thy holy Gospel to be purely simply and entirely preached so that the Abuses of a Rabble of Hypocrites and false Prophets who by humane Constitutions and depraved Inventions have impoisoned all the World shall be quite exterminated from about me This Vow was no sooner made but there was heard a Voice from Heaven saying Hoc fâ—c vinces that is to say Do this and thou shalt overcome Then Pantagruel seeing that Loupgarou with his Mouth wide open was drawing near to him went against him boldly and cried out as loud as he was able Thou diest Villain thou diest purposing by his horrible Cry to make him afraid according to the Discipline of the Lacedemonians Withal he immediately cast at him out of his Bark which he wore at his Girdle eighteen Cags and four Bushels of Salt wherewith he filled both his Mouth Throat Nose and Eyes At this Loupgarou was so highly incensed that most fiercely setting upon him he thought even then with a Blow of his Mace to have beat out his Brains but Pantagruel was very nimble and had always a quick Foot and a quick Eye and therefore with his left Foot did he step back one Pace yet not so nimbly but that the Blow falling upon the Bark broke it in four thousand fourscore and six Pieces and threw all the rest of the Salt about the Ground Pantagruel seeing that most gallantly displayed the Vigour of his Arms and according to the Art of the Axe gave him with the great End of his Mast a home-thrust a little above the Breast then bringing along the Blow to the left side with a Slash struck him between the Neck and Shoulders After that advancing his right Foot he gave him a Push upon the Couillons with the upper End of his said Mast wherewith breaking the Scuttle on the Top thereof he spilt three or four Punchions of Wine that were left therein Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his Bladder and that the Wine that came forth had been his Urine Pantagruel being not content with this would have doubled it by a side-blow but Loupgarou lifting up his Mace advanced one Step upon him and with all his Force would have dash'd it upon Pantagruel wherein to speak the Truth he so sprightfully carried himself that if God had not succoured the good Pantagruel he had been cloven from the top of his Head to the bottom of his Milt but the Blow glanced to the right side by the brisk Nimbleness of Pantagruel and his Mace sank into the Ground above threescore and thirteen Foot through a huge Rock out of which the Fire did issue greater than nine thousand and six Tuns Pantagruel seeing him busy about plucking out his Mace which stuck in the Ground between the Rocks ran upon him and would have clean cut off his Head if by Mischance his Mast had not touched a little against the Stock of Loupgarou's Mace which was inchanted as we have said before by this means his Mast broke off about three-handfuls above his Hands whereat he stood amazed like a Bell-founder and cried out Ah Panurge where art thou Panurge seeing that said to the King and the Giants By G they will hurt one another if they be not parted but the Giants were as merry as if they had been at a Wedding Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his Master but one of the Giants said unto him By Golfarin the Nephew of Mahoon if thou stir hence I will put thee in the bottom of my Breeches instead of a Suppository which cannot chuse but do me good for in my Belly I am very costive and cannot well cagar without gnashing my Teeth and making many filthy Faces Then Pantagruel thus destitute of a Staff took up the End of his Mast striking athwart and alongst upon the Giant but he did him no more hurt than you would do with a Filip upon a Smith's Anvil In the time Loupgarou was drawing his Mace out of the Ground and having already plucked it out was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel who being very quick in turning avoided all his Blows in taking only the defensive Part in hand until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did threaten him with these Words saying Now Villain will noâ— I fail to chop thee aâ— small as minced Meat and keep thee henceforth from â—ver making any more poor Men athirst Then without any more ado Pantagruel struck him such a Blow with his Foot against the Belly that he made him fall backwards his Heels over his Head and dragged him thus along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot Then Loupgarou cried out bleeding at the Throat Mahoon Mahoon Mahoon at which Noise all the Giants arose to succour him but Panurge said unto them Gentlemen do not go if you will believe me for our Master is mad and strikes athwart and alongst he cares not where he will do you a Mischief but the Giants made no Account of it seeing that Pantagruel had never a Staff And when Pantagruel saw those Giants approach very near unto him he took Loupgarou by the two Feet and lift up his Body like a Pike in the Air wherewith it being harnished with Anvils he laid such heavy load amongst those Giants armed with Free-stone that striking them down as a Mason doth little Knobs of Stones there was not one of them that stood before him whom he threw not flat to the Ground and by the breaking of this stony Armour there was made such a horrible Rumble as put me in mind of the Fall of the Butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourge when it melted before the Sun Panurge with Carpalin and Eusthenes did cut in the mean time the Throats â—f those that were struck down in such sort that there escaped not one Pantagruel to any Man's sight was like a Mower who with his Sithe which was Loupgarou cut down the Meddow Grass to wit the Giants But with this fencing of Pantagruel's Loupgarou lost his Head which happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose Name was Riflandouille who was armed cap-a-pe with Grison-stones one Chip whereof splintring abroad cut off Epistemon's Neck clean and fair For otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy Brittle-stone and the rest with Slaits At last when he saw that they were all dead he threw the Body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against the City where falling like a Frog upon his Belly in the great Piazza he with the fall killed a singed He-cat a wet She-cat a farting Duck and a brideled Goose. CHAP. XXX How Epistemon who had his
Crier of Onions Helene a Broker for Chamber-maids Semiramis the Beggars Lice-killer Dido did sell Mushroms Pentasilea sold Cresses Lucretia was an Ale-house Keeper Hortensia a Spinstress Livia a Grater of Verdigreece After this manner those that had been great Lords and Ladies here got but a poor scurvy wretched Living there below And on the contrary the Philosophers and others who in this World had been altogether indigent and wanting were great Lords there in their turn I saw Diogenes there strout it out most pompously and in great magnificence with a rich purple Gown on him and a golden Scepter in his Right-hand And which is more he would now and then make Alexander the Great mad so enormously would he abuse him when he had not well patched his Breeches for he used to pay his Skin with sound Bastinadoes I saw Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the French Fashion sitting under a pleasant Arbour with store of handsom Gentlewomen frolicking drinking dancing and making good Chear with abundance of Crowns of the Sun Above the Lattice were written these Verses for his Device Sauter dancer faire les tours Et boiue vin blanc vermeil Et ne faire rien tous les iours Que compter les escuts au soleil To dance to skip and to play The best White and Claret to swill And nothing to do all the Day But rouling in Money at will When he saw me he invited me to drink with him very courteously and I being willing to be intreated we ripled and chopined together most Theologically In the mean time came Cyrus to beg one Farthing of him for the honour of Mercury therewith to buy a few Onions for his Supper No no said Epictetus I do not use in my Alms-giving to bestow Farthings hold thou Varlet there 's a Crown for thee be an honest Man Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a Booty But the other poor Rogues the Kings that are there below as Alexander Darius and others stole it away from him by night I saw Pathelin the Treasurer of Rhadamantus who in cheapning the Pudding-pyes that Pope Iulius cried asked him How much a Dozen Three Blanks said the Pope Nay said Pathelin three Blows with a Cudgel lay them down here you Rascal and go fetch more The poor Pope went away weeping who when he came to his Master the Pye-maker told him that they had taken away his Pudding-pyes Whereupon his Master gave him such a sound Lash with an Eele-skin that his own would have been worth nothing to make Bag-pipe-bags of I saw Master Iohn le Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor Kings and Popes of this World kiss his Feet and taking great State upon him gave them his Benediction saying Get the Pardons Rogues get the Pardons they are good cheap I absolve you of Bread and Pottage and dispense with you to be never good for any thing then calling Cailleâ— and Triboulet to them he spoke these words My Lords the Cardinals dispatch their Bulls to wit to each of them a Blow with a Cudgel upon the Reins Which accordingly was forthwith performed I heard Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes How much the Mess of Mustard A Farthing said Xerxes To which the said Villon answered The Pox take thee for a Villain as much of squareâ—ar'd Wheat is not worth half that Price and now thou offerest to inhance the Price of Victuals with this he pist in his Pot as the Mustard-makers of Paris use to do I saw the Francarcher de Baignolet who was one of the Inquisition against Hereticks When he saw Pierce-Forrest making water against a Wall on which was painted the Fire of St. Anthony declared him Heretick and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for Morgant who for his Proficiat and other small Fees gave him nine Tuns of Beer Well said Pantagruel reserve all these fair Stories for another time only tell us how the Usurers are there handled I saw them said Epistemon all very busily employed in seeking of rusty Pins and old Nails in the Kennels of the Streets as you see poor wretched Rogues do in this World but the quintal or hundred Weight of this old Iron Ware is there valued but at the price of a Cantle of Bread and yet they have but a very bad Dispatch and Riddance in the Sale of it Thus the poor Misers are sometimes three whole Weeks without eating one Morsel or Crumb of Bread and yet work both Day and Night looking for the fair to come nevertheless of all this Labour Toil and Misery they reckon nothing so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base Calling in hopes at the end of the Year to earn some scurvy Penny by it Come said Pantagruel let us now make our selves merry one bout and drink my Lads I beseech you for it is very good drinking all this Month. Then did they uncase their Flagons by Heaps and Dozens and with their Leaguer-provision made excellent good Chear But the poor King Anarchus could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of Mirth whereupon Panurge said Of what Trade shall we make my Lord the King here that he may be skilful in the Art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the Devils of Hell Indeed said Pantagruel that was well advised of thee do with him what thou wilt I give him to thee Grammercy said Panurge the Present is not to be refused and I love it from you CHAP. XXXI How Pantagruel entred into the City of the Amaurots and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag and made him a Crier of Green-sauce AFter this wonderful Victory Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the City of the Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken Prisoner and all the Enemies of the City overthrown which News when they heard all the Inhabitants of the City came forth to meet him in good order and with a great triumphant Pomp conducting him with a heavenly Joy into the City where innumerable Bonfires were kindled every-where and fair round Tables furnished with store of good Victuals set out in the middle of the Streets This was a Renewing of the Golden-Age so good was the Cheer which then they made But Pantagruel having assembled the whole Senate and Common-Council-Men of the Town said My Masters we must now strike the Iron whilst it is hot it is therefore my Will that before we frolick it any longer we advise how to assault and take the whole Kingdom of the Dipsodes To which effect let those that will go with me provide themselves against to Morrow after drinking for then will I begin to march Not that I need any more Men than I have to help me to conquer it for I could make it as sure that way as if I had it already but I see this City is so full of Inhabitants
is there here a new World Sure said he it is never a jot new but it is commonly reported that without this there is an Earth whereof the Inhabitants enjoy the Light of a Sun and a Moon and that it is full of and replenished with very good Commodies but yet this is more ancient than that Yea but said I my Friend what is the Name of that City whither thou carriest thy Colworts to sell It is called Alpharage said he and all the Indwellers are Christians very honest Men and will make you good chear To be brief I resolved to go thither Now in my way I met with a Fellow that was lying in wait to catch Pigeons of whom I asked My Friend from whence come these Pigeons Sir said he they come from the other World Then I thought that when Pantagruel yawned the Pigeons went into his Mouth in whole Flocks thinking that it had been a Pigeon-House Then I went into the City which I found fair very strong and seated in a good Air but at my Entry the Guard demanded of me my Pass or Ticket whereat I was much astonished and asked them My Masters is there any Danger of the Plague here O Lord said they they die hard by here so fast that the Cart runs about the Streets Good God! said I and where whereunto they answered That it was in Larinx and Phaerinx which are two great Cities such as Rowen and Nantz rich and of great Trading and the Cause of the Plague was by a stinking and infectious Exhalation which lately vapoured out of the Abismes whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen Persons within this Seven night Then I considered calculated and found that it was a rank and unsavoury Breathing which came out of Pantagruel's Stomach when he did eat so much Garlick as we have aforesaid Parting from thence I pass'd amongst the Rocks which were his Teeth and never left walking till I got upon one of them and there I found the pleasantest Places in the World great large Tennis-courts fair Galleries sweet Meddows store of Vines and an infinite Number of Banqueting Summer Out-houses in the Fields after the Italian Fashion full of Pleasure and Delight where I stayed full four Months and never made better cheer in my Life as then After that I went down by the hinder Teeth to come to the Chaps but in the way I was robbed by Thieves in a great Forest that is in the Territory towards the Ears Then after a little further travelling I fell upon a pretty petty Village truly I have forgot the Name of it where I was yet merrier than ever and got some certain Money to live by can you tell how by Sleeping for there they hire Men by the Day to sleep and they get by it six Pence a Day but they that can snort hard get at least Nine-pence How I had been robbed in the Valley I informed the Senators who told me that in very truth the People of that side were bad Livers and naturally thievish whereby I perceived well that as we have with us the Countreys Cisalpine and Transalpine so have they there the Countreys Cidentine and Tradentine that is behither and beyond the Teeth but it is far better living on this side and the Air is purer There I began to think that it is very true which is commonly said that the one half of the World knoweth not how the other half liveth Seeing none before my self had ever written of that Country wherein are above five and twenty Kingdoms inhabited besides Deserts and a great Arm of the Sea I have composed a great Book intituled The History of the Gorgians because they dwell in the Gorge of my Master Pantagruel At last I was willing to return and passing by his Beard I cast my self upon his Shoulders and from thence slid down to the Ground and fell before him As soon as I was perceived by him he asked me Whence comest thou Alcosribas I answered him Out of your Mouth my Lord And how long hast thou been there said he Since the time said I that you went against the Almirods that is about six Months ago said he And wherewith didst thou live what didst thou drink I answered My Lord of the same that you did and of the daintiest Morsels that pass'd through your Throat I took Toll Yea but said he where didst thou shite In your Throat my Lord said I. Ha ha thou art a merry Fellow said he We have with the Help of God conquered all the Land of the Dipsodes I will give thee the Chastellein of Salmigoâ—din Grammercy my Lord said I you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you CHAP. XXXIII How Pantagruel became sick and the manner how he was recovered A While after this the good Pantagruel fell sick and had such an Illness in his Stomach that he could neither eat nor drink and because Mischief seldom comes alone he had got also the hot Piss which tormented him more than you would believe His Physicians nevertheless helped him very well and with store of Lenitives and diuretick Drugs made him piss away his Pain His Urine was so hot that since that time it is not yet cold and you have of it in divers Places of France according to the Course that it took and they are called the hot Baths as at Coderets at Limous at Dast at Ballervie at Nerie at Bourbonansie and elsewhere In Italy at Mongros at Appone at Sancto Petro de Padua at St. Helen at Casa Nuova At St. Bartolomee in the County of Boulogne at the Lorrette and a thousand other Places And I wonder much at a Rabble of foolish Philosophers and Physicians who spend their time in disputing whence the Heat of the said Waters cometh whether it be by reason of Borax or Sulphur or Allum or Saltpeter that is within the Mine for they do nothing but dote and better were it for them to rub their Arse against a Thistle than to waste away their time thus in disputing of that whereof they know not the Original for the Resolution is easy neither need we to enquire any further than that the said Baths came by a 〈◊〉 Piss of the good Pantagruel Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal Disease I let pass how for a Minorative he took four hundred pound Weight of Colophoniack Scammonee six score and eighteen Cart-loads of Caffia eleven thousand and nine hundred pound Weight of Rubarb besides other confused Jumblings of sundry Drugs You must understand that by the Advice of the Physicians it was ordered that what did offend his Stomach should be taken away and therefore they made seventeen great Balls of Copper each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St. Peter's Needle at Rome and in such sort that they did open in the midst and shut with a Spring Into one of them
and Ordinances have been decreed made and instituted for the sole Benefit Profit and Advantage of the Flaminal Mists and mysterious Flamens and nothing at all for the good Utility or Emolument of the silly hood-winked married People which administreth unto others a sufficient Cause for rendring these Church-men suspicious of Iniquity and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing no more to be connived at nor countenanced after that it be well weighed in the Scales of Reason than if with a reciprocal Temerity the Laicks by way of Compensation would impose Laws to be followed and observed by those Mysts and Flamens how they should behave themselves in the making and Performance of their Rites and Ceremonies and after what manner they ought to proceed in the offering up and immolating of their various Oblations Victims and Sacrifices seeing that besides the Edecimation and Tith-haling of their Goods they cut off and take Parings Shreddings and Clippings of the Gain proceeding from the Labour of their Hands and Sweat of their Brows therewith to entertain themselves the better Upon which Consideration in my Opinion their Injunctions and Commands would not prove so pernicious and impertinent as those of the Ecclesiastick Power unto which they had tendred their blind Obedience For as you have very well said there is no place in the World where legally a Licence is granted to the Children to marry without the Advice and Consent of their Parents and Kindred Nevertheless by those wicked Laws and Mole-catching Customs whereat there is a little hinted in what I have already spoken to you there is no scurvy mezely leprous or pocky Ruffian Pander Knave Rogue Skelm Robber or Thief pilloried whipped and burn-marked in his own Country for his Crimes and Felonies who may not violently snatch away and ravish what Maid soever he had a mind to pitch upon how noble how fair how rich honest and chaste soever she be and that out of the House of her own Father in his own Presence from the Bosom of her Mother and in the sight and despight of her Friends and Kindred looking on a so woful Spectacle provided that the Rascal Villain be so cunning as to associate unto himself some Mystical Flamen who according to the Covenant made betwixt them two shall be in hope some day to participate of the Prey Could the Goths the Scyths or Messagets do a worse or more cruel Act to any of the Inhabitants of a Hostile City when after the loss of many of their most considerable Commanders the expence of a great deal of Money and a long Siege they shall have stormed and taken it by a vioolent and impetuous Assault May not these Fathers and Mothers think you be sorrowful and heavy-hearted when they see an unknown Fellow a Vagabond Stranger a barbarous Lowt a rude Curr rotten fleshless putrified scraggy boily botchy poor a forlorn Caitif and miserable Snake by an open Rapt snatcht away before their own Eyes their so fair delicate neat well-behavioured richly provided for and healthful Daughters on whose Breeding and Education they had spared no Cost nor Charges by bringing them up in an honest Discipline to all the honourable and vertuous Employments becoming one of their Sex descended of a noble Parentage hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and convenient time to bestow them on the worthy Sons of their well-deserving Neighbours and ancient Friends who had nourished entertained taught instructed and schooled their Children with the same Care and Sollicitude to make them Matches fit to attain to the Felicity of a so happy Marriage that from them might issue an Off-spring and Progeny no less Heirs to the laudable Endowments and exquisite Qualifications of their Parents whom they every way resemble than to their Personal and Real Estates Moveables and Inheritances How doleful trist and plangorous would such a Sight and Pageantry prove unto them You shall not need to think that the Collachrymation of the Romans and their Confederates at the Decease of Germanicus Drusus was comparable to this Lamentation of theirs Neither would I have you to believe that the Discomfort and Anxiety of the Lacedemonians when the Greek Helen by the Perfidiousness of the Adulterous Trojan Paris was privily stollen away out of their Country was greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable Collugency of theirs You may very well imagine that Ceres at the Ravishment of her Daughter Proserpina was not more attristed sad noâ— mournful than they Trust me and your own Reason that the loss of Osyris was not so regreatable to Isis nor did Venus so deplore the Death of Adonis nor yet did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas nor was the Rapt of Polyxena more throbbingly resented and condoled by Pryamus and Hecuba than this aforesaid Accident would be sympathetically bemoaned grievous ruthful and anxious to the wofully desolate and disconsolate Parents Notwithstanding all this the greater part of so vilely abused Parents are so timerous and afraid of Devils and Hobgoblins and so deeply plunged in Superstition that they dare not gainsay nor contradict much less oppose and resist those unnatural and impious Actions when the Mole-catcher hath been present at the perpetrating of the Fact and a Party Contracter and Covenanter in that detestable Bargain What do they do then They wretchedly stay at their own miserable Homes destitute of their well-beloved Daughters the Fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein they were married and the Mothers howling and crying that it was not their fortune to have brought forth Abortive Issues when they hapned to be delivered of such unfortunate Girls and in this pitiful plight spend at best the remainder of their Time with Tears and Weeping for those their Children of and from whom they expected and with good reason should have obtained and reaped in these latter days of theirs Joy and Comfort Other Parents there have been so impatient of that Affront and Indignity put upon them and their Families that transported with the Extremity of Passion in a mad and frantick mood through the Vehemency of a grievous Fury and raging Sorrow have drowned hanged killed and otherways put violent hands on themselves Others again of that Parental Relation have upon the reception of the like Injury been of a more magnanimous and heroick Spirit who in imitation and at the Example of the Children of Iacob revenging upon the Sichemits the Rapt of their Sister Dina having found the Rascally Ruffian in the Association of his mystical Mole-catcher closely and in hugger-mugger conferring parlying and coming with their Daughters for the suborning corrupting depraving perverting and enticing these innocent unexperienced Maids unto filthy Lewdnesses have without any further Advisement on the matter cut them instantly into pieces and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the Fields their so dismembred Bodies to serve for Food unto the Wolves and Ravens Upon the chivalrous bold and couragious Atchievement of a so valiant