O Clemens Caesar consulis historico 7. Tom writ but the Reader still slept o're his Book For he carefully writ the same Opium he took An Impromptu to Shadwell's Memory by Dr. B ANd must our glorious Laureat then depart Heav'n if it please may take his loyal heart As for the rest sweet Devil fetch a Cart. In Decretum Parliamenti 1689. De non adulterandis Vinis CRimen adulterii vetuerunt Biblia frustra Jam quid ages Caupo Parliamenta vetant Inscriptions design'd for the Dyal oveâ— the Fountain in the new Square at Liâ—colns-Inn 1. UT referat gratam mercedem quaelibet hoc Munificum laudet quaelibet hora Deuâ— 2. Unde fluit lapsu quid stas ignave perenni Carpe Viator iter sic tibi vita fluit 3. Haec Legum domus est colit hanc Themis aut sede Hospite nec Domus est dignior ulla Dea. An Epigram under the Picture of a Beaâ—â— THis vain gay thing sets up for man But see what Fate attends him The powd'ring Barber first began The Barber Surgeon ends him The Song of Go Perjur'd Man set admirably to Music by Dr. Blow Translated into Latin ITo execrandis perside passibus Vagumque retro si taleris pedem Visurus extremat pudendae Reliquias inimicus urnae Si quando risu turbidus improbo Recte monentem temnere pulverem Proclivis ornamenta quaeres Faemineae fugitiva formae Forte piarum munera virginum Flores profanâ dissicis manu Huic Sexui Eheu quam fugacis Imperii monumentum Omen Utar protervi vindiciis Noti Vocabo Euros tu cineris brevi Ultoris insurgente nube Perpetuam patiere noctem To a Lady that would not grant the 〈◊〉 favours under cheaper terms thaâ— Matrimony Out of French LIke our great Father Adam fain wou'd The Paradice you drive me from enjoâ— But Caelia you too hard conditions make The flaming Sword of Marriage drives me bacâ— Avis sur a Mariage THe Husband 's the Pilot the Wife is the Oceaâ— He always in danger she always in motioâ— And he that in Wedlock twice hazards his carcaâ— Twice ventures a drowning and faith that 's hard 〈◊〉 Even at our own weapons the Females defeat And death only death can sign our Quietus Not to tell ye sad stories of liberty lost How our mirth is all pall'd our pleasure all 〈◊〉 This Pagan confinement this damnable station Shits no order nor age nor degree in the nation The Levite it keeps from Parochial duty For who can at once mind Religion Beauty The rich it alarms with expences and trouble And a poor Beast you know can scarce carry double 'T was invented they 'll tell you to keep us from falling Oh the virtue and grace of a shrill catterwauling But in pales in your Game Ah but how do you know Sir How often your Neighbour breaks up your inclosure For this is the principal comfort of Marriage You must eat tho a hundred have spit in your Porrage If at night you 're unactive and fail of performing Enter Thunder and Lightning and Bloodshed next morning Crys the Bone of your side thanks dear Mr. Horner This comes of your sinning with Crape in a corner Then to make up the breach all your strength you must rally And labour and sweat like a Slave at the Galley Yet still you must charge oh blessed condition Tho you know to your cost you 've no morâ— Ammunition Till at last my dear mortify'd Tool of a man You 're not able to make a poor flash in the 〈◊〉 Fire Female and Flood begin with a Letter And the world 's for them all not a farthing thâ— betteâ— Your Flood soon is gone and your Fire you maâ— humblâ— If into the Flood store of Water you tumble But to cool the damn'd heat of your Wife's 〈◊〉 tillatioâ— You may use half the Engines and Pumps in thâ— Natioâ— But may piss out as well the last Confiagration Thus Sir I have sent you my thoughts of 〈◊〉 matteâ— Judge you as you please but I scorn to flatter The Fable of the Bat and the Birds In Imitation of that of the Buzzard in the Hind and Panther In the year 1689. IN ancient times as learned Aesop shows 'Twixt Birds and Beasts a fatal War arose But whether this from State Intrigues did flow Or to some Church pretence its birth did owe Or depredations made concerns us not to know Weighty you may be sure the cause was thought Which such an universal tumult wrought Picqueering parties first began the fray A sad presage of the ensuing day At last the War was solemnly proclaim'd The hour of fighting set and both the Leaders nam'd The foolish Bat a Bird obscene and base The scorn and jest of all the feather'd race â—r by fantastic fears and scruples led Or by ambition mov'd his party fled Joyn'd with the Beasts and eager to engage With popular Harangues urg'd on a feeble rage As fortune wou'd on an ill-fated day The Beasts drew out their forces in array The different kinds their grudges laid aside And for the common safety now provide Ev'n their old piques and warm disputes forgot The Hind and Panther joyn'd upon the spot And by one mutual league of friendship held Prepare for the rough business of the field When lo the Birds in numerous bands 〈◊〉 And with repeated crys attack the Rear Give a fierce charge and back like Parthians 〈◊〉 To repossess their patrimonial Sky Then strait descending with redoubled 〈◊〉 They spend their fury and renew the fight Pale Victory all trembling and dismay'd With doubtful Wings the purple Scene survey At last propitious to her feather'd kind Declar'd her favour and the Scale inclin'd Whole Hecatombs the cover'd field possest And gave their foes at once a Triumph 〈…〉 east· Their slaughter'd 〈…〉 Dams deplor'd And many a 〈…〉 Cow mourn'd o're her Horned Lord. The generous Eagle so his Stars ordain Chases thâ— affrighted Lyon from the Plain Their General gone the rest like Lightning fly A cheap unfighting herd not worth the Victory And now the Birds with eager haste pursue Thro lanes and devious tracks the scatter'd crew Among the rest beset with dangers round The trembling Bat was in a Cellar found 'T is pity fame ne're Chronicled his taker But all Records agree they sound him near Long-acre Percht on a Pole they brought him to the Bar Where the full house sat talking of the War Strait at the sight a various noise began Which thro the spacious Hall and neighb'rinâ— Lobby ratâ— Each Member in the publick mirth concurr'd And droll'd upon the poor Apostatizing Bird. First Parrot Settle open'd wide his throat Next Cuckow Rimer always in a note And Peacock Chetwood of the Clergy kind But his Poetic Feet disgrac'd the train behind And Creech and Norris Blackbirds of renown And Corm'rant Higden for devouring known Nay to augment the hardship of his woes Owl Durfy clapt his wings and hooted in the closeâ—
the worse for your Wife at the â—e on but upon second thoughts I don't know but she may have a great deal to say for herself You are a handsome fellow Iack I own it but perhaps have convinc'd her by sorrowful experience that as the proverb has it all is not gold that glisters Who can tell but your Wife has read natural Philosophy enough to know that where the ground haâ— the roughest the most unpromising surface therâ— the richest Mines lye below After all whether it is so or not variety is â— mighty matter and much may be said on so fertile a head People love to alter their hands thâ— it is not always for the better a clear instance oâ— this we find in Plautus Amphitryo Iupiter whâ— by the high post he stood possessed of one wou'â— think should have no gross palate lies with Alâ—mena the very night before she was deliver'd oâ— two chopping Infants The Lady for her parâ— was complaisant that 's certain but Women geâ—nerally speaking are not so refractory as Cameâ—â— are that when they have got their burden risâ— up and will carry no more So this is no greaâ— wonder But what the Duâ—e shou'd bewitch 〈◊〉 Lover that had the whole Universe before him to make his Son Mercury pimp for him for thâ— space of twenty four hours by the clock to puâ— himself to the expence of a Miracle to make thâ— Moon and the rest of the Stars do double duty to keep back the Sun and make an universal diâ—â—order in nature and all to carry on a foolish inâ—trigue with a big-belly'd woman 'T is agreed bâ— â—ll the Dutch Commentators that he wou'd never have done so much for Iuno his lawful Spouse â—n one of her most engaging moments with all â—he advantages of dress and art to recommend her much less under such embarrassing circumâ—tances What then may we imagine to be the â—eason of it Why that partly variety and partâ—y the itch of making a Cuckold engag'd him in â—his expedition But all this while I forget that I am â—leading for your Wife like the Bishop that was employ'd to write against Luther and turn'd one of â—is party Thus I have briefly run over all your scruples â—nd endeavour'd to make you rectus in curia but â—efore I conclude give me leave to tell you a short â—tory A Gentleman of my acquaintance had a â—enant that rented about some forty Shillings a â—ear of him The Hutt he liv'd in was a sad wretched hole made up of a few feeble poles â—over'd with mud dung and straw 'T was not â—o be mention'd on the same year with a Crowsâ—est either for the materials the convenience or â—rchitecture of it The least puff of wind ruffled 〈◊〉 more severely than a Hurricane does a Ship in â—he Indies The discharge of a Gun at a quarter 〈◊〉 a miles distance wou'd give it a Tertian Ague â—or a fortnight Then as for the furniture it was 〈◊〉 of a piece with the building half a score woodâ—â—n Spoons with a Platter of the same metal a â—roken backt Chair and what they call'd a Bed â—y a bolder Catachresis than is to be found in all Mr Cleveland It was not so much as furnish'd with a Suit of Grubstreet Tapistry I mean a 〈◊〉 of Protestant Ballads or the Devil tempting 〈◊〉 London Prentice or the Tanners advice to hiâ— Children or the Royal Family on Horseback tâ— keep the poor Walls in countenance The felâ—low's whole substance was a Bee-hive half a scoâ—â— Cabbages and an Apple-tree in the yard on thâ— success of which he depended more than the Conâ— tes on that of a Campaign in Flanders â— T it that sharpt for his livelihood on the Comâ—mon but as lean as a Projector 's Footman â— Cow whose Milk was meat and drink and heâ— tail an Almanack to the family with a Cocâ— strutting at the head of a progeny and a braâ—â— of Pigs educated within doors and serv'd with aâ— much care as the Heir apparent to the Cottage His Music when he came home was to hear a litâ—ter of young dirty Children squawling on onâ— side of him and the above-mention'd Messieurs 〈◊〉 Porceaugnac grunting on the other and his ranâ— two-handed Spouse that never had a drop of waâ—ter touch her face since the Parson sprinkled heâ— at the Font by the same token even then it madâ— her cry out endeavouring to keep the Kings Maâ—jestys peace between them Yet amidst all thâ— poverty and filthiness the fellow lookt merry anâ— in good humour snor'd as contentedly at Churcâ— as the best of his neighbours in an old Sundâ—â— Coat that had outliv'd six Generations 〈◊〉 whistled at his work and what is more without â—ny of the Parish to assist him once a year got his Wife with Child as if he breakfasted every mornâ—ng on the Duke of Buckingham's famous Broath So his Landlord ask'd him what shift he made to â—eep himself so chearful and merry Why Master â—ays he when I think of such â—ine folks as your Worship that ride in your Coaches and eat and drink of the best without doing any thing for it why then an 't please you I can't forbear cursing my old Father for begetting me under such a â—â—arving Planet But when I consider how few are in your case and how many millions in the â—ame condition with my self if not in a worse why then I set my hand to my Plough and jog on as merrily as I can Iack this story needs no â—pplication do but think of the millions you have on your side enough to confound the Turk â—nd Pope nay to carry the whole world before â—ou if you knew your own strength do but â—hink how many Noblemen and Courtiers you have to lead the Van how many Cits to bring up â—he main Body how many Souldiers to fight â—awyers to plead Physicians to prescribe and Divines to pray for you and I dare engage you 'll â—leep heartily upon 't and persecute me with no more of your whining Letters who am Your Humble Servant P. S. A Physician of my acquaintance that haâ— heard of your misfortune call'd upon me thiâ— morning just as I had ended my Letter and lesâ— my advice shou'd fail of making a good impression upon you was so kind to send you the following prescription If these precepts won't cure you we must proceed to Topics and one of thâ— best remedies I know is what follows When youâ— discontented soul labours with a little Brow-anguish take a Childs Coral with Whistle and Bellâ— to it moisten it with fasting Spittle and rub youâ— forehead with it ter in die horis medicis It wilâ— make your Brow-antlers cut easy for some Cuckolds are as froward under the breeding of Hornâ— as some Children are under the breeding of Teeâ—â— Once more Adieu LETTER VII To the Reverend Mr. in Sussex I Have had a mind to write to thee this long while but the misfortune on 't is that a man â—oes not know
Monks in Rabelais do after they have rocked themselves asleep with singing the penitential Psalms But if in spite of impotence and age he pretends to disturb you with his vigour his shot scarce reaches the Walls of the Fortress Thus your fate is just the reverse of Semeles she generously expir'd in the arms of the Thunderer whereas your Fumbler chills you with his warmest embraces his very flames gives you an Ague fit and like the weather we have had of late his Summer has a spice of Winter in it The mischief on 't is that every day will leave him a worse practitioner than other and time which uses to soften other hardships will daily make yours more insupportable What is it then that cou'd induce your Lady-ship to pitch upon so rigorous a pennance which your very Enemies were it possible for you to have any wou'd never have impos'd upon you Since your Body can be no gainer by this wicked match one would imagin you did it for the benefit of your Soul but Religion produces no such miracles in this age whatever it has done formerly 'T is enough now if people stick to it while they get by the bargain for few very few even of those that wear her Cloath and eat her Bread will be losers for her 'T is in short the desire of unrighteous Mammon that has drawn this servitude upon you You took this nauseous Pill only for the sake of the gilding That pale-fac'd mettal to purchase which our Merchants ransack every corner of the world make you take up with this leaky batter'd Vessel but with this difference that whereas they are at liberty to shift their Climate as they see fit you have confin'd your self to the Latitude of 70 and have settled in a Country which is eternally cover'd with Snow and affords no prospect of a Spring All that your humble Servants can do is to wish that your Tyrants Reign may be but of short continuance which is the daily prayer of Lysander LETTER XIV Iune 2.92 To Mr P Iucundissime Willielme Ni te plus oculis meis amarem IF I did not love you better than our Statesmen do a new Plot a Fop a new Fashion and the Wou'd be-wits at Wills do a new Criticism I wou'd never leave a parcel of honest fellows that are now dusting it about to retire to a corner by my self and send you the transactions of Hartfordshire So much by way of Preface without which even a Letter to a Friend now adays not to mention those unwieldy things call'd Epistles Dedicatory is thought as naked as an Archdeacon's Hat would be thought by the Country people without a Rose in 't I have now pass'd just two tedious months â—n the Country and cannot forbear now and â—hen to cry out with a little alteration from â—he words of our beloved Horace O urbs quando ego te aspiciam quandoque licebit Phyllide nunc pulchra nunc Bacchi divite succo Ducere sollicitae jucunda oblivia vitae The effects of this cursed War appear no where â—o lamentably as they do in these parts of the world In London you only find it in your Gazettes and News papers You have the Play-house to divert you and the Taverns are as much crowded as ever Here we have comâ—any indeed and drink but when we consider â—ow much the latter is degenerated from what â—t was in the time of Peace it palls our mirth â—nd we are as heavy-hearted as the Iews of old were at the sight of their Second Temple The Wine in those few places where we â—ind it is so intolerably bad that tho 't is good â—or nothing else 't is a better argument for Soâ—riety than what all the Volumes of Morality â—an afford My Companion Iack Freeman who you know is a Libertine in his nature says 〈◊〉 ought to be employ'd only in sacred uses for whatever preparation it deserves before-hand 〈◊〉 never fails of giving a man a weeks repentance â—fterwards The Duce take me if in some of my sullen moments I don't envy a London Fly I don't mean an inhabitant of Smithfield or Wapâ—ping but one that tipples in a creditable Taâ—vern somewhere about the Exchange or Temple bar Where this sorry stuff is not to be had we are forc'd in our own defence to take uâ— with Punch but the ingredients are as long 〈◊〉 summoning as a Captain wou'd be recruitinâ— his Regiment In my conscience the King mighâ— sooner get a Convocation of honest dis-interestâ—ed Church-men together We must send to 〈◊〉 Market-Town five mile off for Sugar and Nutâ—meg and five mile beyond that for rotten Lemons Water itself is not to be had withouâ— travelling a league for 't and an unsanctify'â— Kettle supplies the place of a Bowl Then when we have mix'd all these noble ingredients which generally speaking are as bad as thosâ— the Witches in Mackbeth jumble in the Caldroâ— together to make a Charm we fall too contentedly and sport off an afternoon 'T is true our heads suffer for 't next morning but what iâ— that to an oâ—d Soldier We air our selves nexâ— morning on the Common and the sin and the pain are forgotten together At other times we do pennance in stale March-beer which fills and clogs but never inâ—spires If it gives any mirth 't is sickly and faint like the light one receives from burnt Brandy and our smiles like those of the moody Almanzor in the Play are hardly to be distinguish'd â—rom a frown This course of life we led till â—ur stock was all exhausted at home and then â—twas with us in the case of drink what it was â—ormerly between Mahomet and the Mountain â—pon another occasion If the drink won't â—ome to us we must e'en go to the drink and that we do with a witness for we make longer pilgrimages to a Tub of Ale than a Jesuit would â—ndergo to make a Royal Convert Our diâ—ector in these matters is an honest Parson of the neighbourhood one that has made a shift to get â— red Nose and a double Chin in the service of the Church tho he has but thirty pound a year â—nd to keep his Palate orthodox and still in â—une he carries the tip of a dry'd Neat's tongue â—lways in his pocket He has some acquaintance with Books and Critical Learning and pretends to have discover'd a false reading in Minutius Felix which has hitherto escapt all the German Commentators 'T is that famous passage non magna loquimur sed vivimus He says and proves it by the context that it ought to be bibimus and has brought us all to be of his opinion â—n short you may talk of your Secretaries of State and Ministers as long as you please but he 's a person of the most universal intelligence I had ever the honour to be acquainted with No sooner does one Tub decline but he has his Emissaries to tell him when another is fit to bleed and thus ten mile â—ound him Then