sences Drown those that come to their Defences When if they would leave off their plunging They might be freed from watry Dungeon So I perhaps befriending thee May bring my self to jeopardy Dost thou not see thou lump of Nature Thou ill contriv'd unfinish'd Creature What Ruines this late turn has made By Taxes and by loss of Trade When still the weight of Court Ambition Falls most on those of thy condition T is their tough hands must help the Cause Their Labours back the Church and Laws Else all the Trooping Men of Blood 'T is thought would do but little good Had it not for us better been If th' Pope or Devil himself came in Than thus to involve our selves in War And plunge our Souls in endless Care By heedless emptying of our Purses Make all our Wives and Children curse us And all these rowling mischiefs gather For conscience yet have none on 't neither Did not a Doctor t'other day That since has been forbid to Pray Declare the War to us would bring More ills than any Romish King And tho he now is Silenc'd for 't The Phrase was pithy tho 't was short And many more of the same Mould That Orthodox Opinion hold Which tho they Mouth it not in Halls Is frequent in their close Cabals Where they whole Kingdoms with delight Turn topsy turvy every Night But thou because thy poring Head Has learnt to set a mark and read Canst tell when Sheep are to be shorn And brush the Mildew from green Corn Because thy Father as I hear Was thought to be a Conjurer Dar'st to our Party give offence With dull Inervate fumbling sense And on wrong side thy self discover When I have pray'd thee to come over Quoth Collin That I am a fumbler In Wit 's as true as you are a grumbler Yet dare affirm tho with submission You are as bad a Politician Dreams Whimsies and unquiet Brains In all your buzzing Party reigns Which makes ye argue rail and fight And think y' are always in the right When I can prove substantially There 's none of ye so Just as I For my Religion is not known That yet I e're did plainly own Yet am so far your Churches friend I can her principles defend Gainst all would break or make a flaw In Creeds Establish'd by the Law In all revolves and turns of State Decreed by what d ee call him Fate What 's War but an Extream to try To do the Nation Justice by When the Necessity o' th' Cause Exacts Defence of Church and Laws For who dares boldly own a Church That dares to leave her in the lurch Pretend he 's willing to ensure her Yet grudge at Taxes to secure her As if he thought she could not want Aid to her Title Militant But was her self so mighty grown To fight her Battels out alone Whilst all the while the fewds occurred Because perhaps y' are not preferred The Nation 's in a lost condition Because y' have lost your late Commission Or that the Senate takes occasion To question some late Court Relation You 'd seem to abhor Popery Yet hate that any Change should be Neglect the Souls Divine Profession By scrupling Temporal Succession Destroy your Peace and Countries both By kecking at th' Allegiance Oath And tho the English Church you own Still do your best to run her down Whilst I the Lump th'unfinish'd Cripple Prove more the Champion of the People Discovering of a firm neglect Of all your stubborn grumbling sect I Popery thrash as with a flayle And tell a plain and open Tale Whose bare-fac'd Reason soon shall be The bane of all Priest Sophistry Confute their q Baptism Confirmations Their Matrimonial Consecrations Their Eucharist Orders Extream Unction Their Pennance too that worst Injunction With all the other Foppish Geer As easily as drink this Beer When you that should perform all this Since that Religion you profess In grumbling clubs your rancour shew And now would have me do so too The Major at this devilish shock Look'd red as any Turky-cock And spite of all his subtle Arts Quite dash'd and stun'd at Collins parts But on a sudden recollecting And slyly knowing the neglecting Of what was said would look most wise After a fleer or two replys Quoth he when ere thou get'st half mellow Thou art the plaguiest little fellow The soundest Arguments in vain Attempt to storm thy Pericrane No proof tho ne're so much in season Can ever bring thee to hear Reason For as 't is vain to grease their Chops With dainties that are fill'd with Scraps So bitts of Logick here and there Quirks and old Saws which thou dost hear Cram thy conceited brain so full T is sense lost to trepan thy scull Thy prick-ear'd Sire taught fallacy Andth ou by nat'ral Industry Framing a Lye canst make it prov'd Art's Cousin Germain once remov'd For tho thou twit'st me with my pause Of Action in the Churches cause My grumbling at th' unquiet times Taxes and disobedient Crimes And slyly wouldst thy self imply A better friend to th' State than I I le prove that know the Cheat too well Thou' rt of a sect us'd to rebel A Canter an assembly Man A true blew Presbyterian And sometimes as the Saints agree A Quaker for variety I know thou canst our cause dispute Thou can'st but didst thou ever do 't Vast odds there is to either faction Betwixt capacity and action Strong Decrement and difference too Between I can do 't and I do Have I not known this many years Thy Love to th' Tribe with the long Ears Where primming Sister Aunt or Coz Tune their warm Zeal with Hum and Buz And bobtail'd Rogues are zealous at it On purpose to affront the Statute Did I not hear thee splutter once Because one call'd Hugh Peters dunce And swear that Chaplain of Old Noll Out-preach'd the Bishops at White-Hall That Baxter's call to th' Unconverted Had force even on the marble hearted Nay in unhappy I s's days Thou didst or I 'me mistaken praise His acts of Grace who stil'd ye Friends Because ye suited to his Ends And knew to ruin th' Churches hope Rather than them you 'd bring the Pope How comes I fain would know th' Abuses The jarring late between the Houses But by your party Synogoguish Not half so Politique as Roguish That for their Interest or for Hire Make Brands to set us all on fire Yet thou a little shrub or worse A block for one to mount a Horse A Hodge-podge of the Sciences Design'd by fate in wits disgrace Darest with bold confidence direct me And tho my Vassals contradict me Quoth Collin Tho I am your Tenant Take heed how you affront the Senate And so by Testy Will misled Bring an old House upon your head As for my self what 's said of me My Person or Rusticity It only gives me leave to guess The force of your uneasiness Shrub or what else to me 's the same If men can know me by
Admiration For Beauty and Deformity Are equal still in this degree Tho not alike the same desirers They always have the same admirers Nor was he much concern'd at this Believing they admir'd his phiz As if from thence they subtly guess'd The hidden vertues in his breast Consult the World and you shall see Most People share this vanity Who when upon 'em others gaze Believe 't is for peculiar grace When it may often chance to be Directly for the contrary But to go on whilst Collin there Drew all the opticks far and near Upon the outworks of his person Some through distast but most diversion The Major gave him a soft Jogg And thus began the Dialogue Within these Walls thou may'st quoth he Note the great Worlds Epitome Where all degrees of humanes bustle And one another strive to puzzle The most prophane and most religious Here being equally Litigious There where that noise the People draws Has been the wrack of many a Cause Where many a Client Verdict miss'd For want of greazing in the Fist Those that fit there in State are Judges And those below 'em scribbling drudges Those there in Quoifs are titled Serjeants With Clerks that hang upon their Margents Defending right of meum tuum And when men offer wrong to sue 'em Here Justice does or should prevail And hold to all her equal Scale The oppress'd from Lawyers gripe to free And weigh by Drams their honesty For Law is still to th' Wise reveal'd Just like the Wax with which 't is Seal'd Not as the Causes right upholds it But as the Lawyers Conscience moulds it Harder or softer as he pleases According as his Clients greases And tho 't is sometimes fit no doubt on 't Yet they 're most happy that are out on 't For Law and Physick ne're should be Us'd but upon Extremity Yet amongst all whom this Confusion This sudden wondrous Revolution Has rais'd and better'd in their State 'T has been the Lawyers chiefest Fate By Fortunes turn as quick as strange To reap most profit by the change They thrive upon the Peoples Sins Their luck exceeding other Mens And what in th' last Reign was uncertain Is now a fix'd and solid fortune Those that at pleasure were ut ita Are settled now durante vita High Magistrates which by a Word Or Mandate from the Soveraign Lord Were silenc'd straight as mute as Posts Fear nothing now but th' Lord of Hosts Releas'd from Arbritray Awe And guarded by the Bulwark Law This station therefore where such trust is Ought to be sway'd the more by Justice For as no one should be less doer Of hurt than he that has most power So Law to which such power belongs Should be least ready to do wrongs Quoth Collin that Law should do right I think there 's no one will deny 't That 's in his Sences and to shew That I believe it doth do so I 've just thought on a Neighbours case That 's very proper for this place Who has by lawless will his Spouse Misled and taken from his house And by a snivelling Whore-master Detain'd without all Sence or fear If therefore Justice here doth sway As I am apt to think it may Why should not such a cause as this Be su'd in Forma pauperis And so by damages procuring Make Fop pay soundly for his whoring Quoth Major of all suits desended Paupers are still the worst attended Tho Justice always equal be She 's best in humour with a Fee And cannot be if that 's neglected So diligent as is expected As money makes the Mare to go Even so it makes the Lawyer too Directs his Judgment right or wrong Raises his wit and tips his Tongue And makes him fit to plead the cause And better understand the Laws This makes a Rabbi of Fourscore Ride dagling all the country ore Who plagu'd with Palsie Stone and Gout Without the use of hand or foot Yet cannot leave the bawling rout But must as being us'd to trudge Still go the Circuit with the Judge Which he 'd ne're do thou mayst rely on 't To get a Pauper for his Client Or leave alluring golden Fees On Conscience score or Charities He that would Adversary teize And goes to Law without good Fees Is like old Fumble that would wed At ninety years a buxom Maid He may well tire each Limb and Joynt But he shall never gain the point A Maidenhead being to get as nice As without Money good advice And tho I can't deny the case Is very proper for this place Because that lately by report There was one try'd of the same sort And many a Lawyer was pains taker Twixt Cuckold and the Cuckold-maker Till the Jury weighing the disgraces And that it might be their own cases Their favour gave with Sence adorn'd Not to the a Horner but the horn'd Attoning by a swinging Sum The unpardon'd sin of Cuckoldom Tho this be true as plain it appears Yet neither of them both e're was Paupers The Devil might have had the Wise If money had not made the strife And brought the Lawyer in good Fees And th'Husband hopes of damages By which we plainly may unfold No Law is currant without Gold Here Major stopp'd and Collin wou'd Most fain have answer'd if he cou'd But now being got to th'Stairs that went Up to the Court of Parliament Was fain to stifle each Conceit And end the politique debate To mount the steps and hear relation Of all the grand affairs o' th' Nation Here as below the People walk And only differ in their talk Being here of Kings and Armies boasters As of Writs Suits and Fines below stairs And of as many humours as At Babel there were Languages The Men of Politique Intreague The Grumbler and the sullen Whigg Grave Bishops Barons Baronets The Guillians and the Iacobites Tho they could one another Eat With Conge one another greet Amongst the Captains the discourse is Of b Schomberg and the Irish forces Each striving plain to make 't appear What he would do if he were there And that the General is too slow In giving Battle to the Foe On t other side were Cits complaining Of Taxes and the House Arraigning Wishing the Members hang'd or drown'd That gave three Shillings in the Pound In brief th' crowd from side to side To th' Major seem'd disatisfi'd Which being not able long to hold He instantly to Collin told Believing it a proof most plain To shew the Nations grumbling vein And therefore thus renew'd I here Have hopes my friend to make appear What I have argued of the Tumour Now swelling in the Nations humour Who tho the Members now are sitting And those too of their own begetting They cannot yet perswade their patience To bear the weight of these taxations Hadst thou just now you fellow heard That Crop-ear'd c Citt with the Red Beard How he his spleen did loudly vent Against the King and Government Thou wouldst by that one speech have found
and Belly She thus do's frugal Collin rally Quoth she this were a wretched Nation But for this kind of Consolation Where oft afflicted Nature uses To take amends for Lifes abuses And ease the Soul from toilsome thinking By a good Fellowship and Drinking And tho our Sex have always bin Barr'd of that Custom Masculine When we in publick treat a Guest Or simpring sit at any Feast Yet when a Knot of us appoint A Match amongst our selves a Pint Or more in a Beer Glass is then No more with us than with you Men Tho amongst Strangers 't is our way To Riot with a Dish of Tea Like Lady at a Treat That cares not two pence for the Meat Tho she to th' ruine of the Feast Eats three times more than all the rest Unless aside you do her draw To take a Rouse in Usquebagh Or with some brimming Glass of Sherry Nutmeg'd and Sugard make her merry And many more whose quality Forbids their toping openly Will privately on good occasion Take six go-downs on Reputation With satisfaction then and ease Correcting Breath with Lozanges Take leave and never stagring for 't Call for the Coach and drive to Court And I my self that thus have said it Altho I would not lose my Credit By letting the Town know I quaff'd A Quart of Claret at a Draught Yet here with such a Friend as you A Brother and in private too My self a Foe must needs profess To all such Knipperkins as this With that her Hand on Pot she laid And threw it over Collins Head With such a rage and vigor that It flew so near it brush'd his Hat Who finding by this Action The Mettle of 's Companion When he had star'd on her a while Thus answers in his former stile I must confess quoth he that yet I nere in all my Travails met With any of the Sister-hood That like you Toping understood Which may perhaps not be a Crime But the meer nature of this Clime Your Constitution being here Inur'd to Wine as we to Beer Else I should hold a Sister naught Prophanely swallow'd such a draught At Heidleberg the strictest Zealots Amongst the Independant Prelats 'T is said with large two Gallon Bowls Nightly refresh'd their thirstly Souls The Grandees e too of the Cabal Which once were call'd Synodical When they a knotty point of State Or th' Churches Interest would debate Made strong Potations Drench the Cause And legal Brimmers vouch the Laws And in some Grotto of their own With Cushions knock each other down But of your Sex I never knew Till now such offers as by you Yet that it never shall be said That I for Trifles Fraction made Or stop'd the Cause from going on Through my self-will'd opinion I am contented to sit by Whilst you your Humor satisfie And to a Pint more or a Quart Will pay my Club with all my Heart Quoth she that Ladies nere must Club Has been a Custom old as Iob Which your own Sex at first brought in To shew your right of governing Since when by Courtesie o' th' Nation To treat our Sex has been a Fashion Allow'd as fit as to afford The Wall or upper end o' th' Board And 't is this Courtesie whose Rules Supplies the gross defects of Schools Difference twixt Gentry makes and Trades And Widows to take place of Maids Makes Barons of the Sons of Peers And tenders Homage to rich Heirs And what 's most pertinent of all Gives to our tender Sex the Wall And with a generous freedom treat When ere we please to Drink or Eat Whilst those that have refusals made Are counted as clownish and ill bred Quoth he to be accompted clownish Would not methinks so sharply punish As that luxurious treating Folly Do's by ensuing Melancholy The Purse the Elders of our Tribe Their Marrow of their Cause describe Which can't be like the pretious Brain Touch'd must less lavish'd without Pain And I methinks find a small pang At your beginning this Harangue The Brethren arm'd with Truth sincere Can Strokes and Vile Reproaches bear Most patiently support Abuses And let their Credit suffer Bruises Neglect Affronts through Wisdom sage But if you touch their Purse they rage Then Righteous Passion straight controuls And shews the fervour of their Souls By Interest exposing plain Our greatest Zeal is greatest Gain Besides in Drinking or in Eating That senseless custom us'd of Treating Was never that I know thought good By any of the Brotherhood Who when we meet about a Bargain And friendly Cheat each other for Gain Equally use to joyn our Pence To pay the Charge of Knipperkins Which adds to their Community And makes 'em frugally agree Nor can I tell a reason why This should not be twixt You and I That paying of the Reckoning equal Should be or clownish or illegal When doing it a Cause may be Stronger to knit our amity And makes that Love that 's in my Breast For kindnesses late past Increas'd Which would each hour grow more large The less that I am put to charge Thought Strumpt since the Wind sits there I 'le take the right Sow by the Ear With Tricks and Female slights your Curship Will mannage like a Man of Worship Shew th'snare from which Fools nere can get out When e're a Woman sets her Wit too 't Then seizing upon Collins Fist She thus begun Thou certain best Of all the Pious Flock that e're Swet with Presbytery sincere Forgive me that for th' Causes sake This Tryal of thy Worth I make And like a Gem too rich for the Buyer Have prov'd thy merit as by Fire For tho I 've talk'd of Quarts and Pottles And toping Mornings Draughts in Bottles As if I had the filthy Courage To make deboach in Nants and Burrage Or like a Porter could Regale With Pots of Purle or Mugs of Ale 'T was but false Fire for in reality I 'm of as niggardly a quality As thou art or our Tribe Divine That on a Pilchers Head can Dine Luxury has so little force On me that now thy Wise Discourse Appears a Banquet I could Breakfast My longing Arms about thy Neck-fast Wer 't not for shame with looking on The Model of thy Outward Man I always lov'd thy dapper size Generally active made and wise And better Womens Men by half Than Lobs that play at Quarter-staff Nature diminutively allures As Painting do's in Miniatures And in thy Person I can see Her Arts sublimest Rarity Like f Renaulds World engrav'd upon The Surface of a Cherry Stone Thy Wit denotes the airy Part Thy Eyes the Fire that warms each Heart Thy Beard do's th' rugged Earth display And th' Watry Gulph thy Mouth the Sea Whilst thus our Lady of the Lake In Mistick Praise of Collin spake His gaping Mouth so wide was spread T was very like a Gulph indeed Especially with Water flowing To hear expressions so like Wooing The God of Love to shew his Art So suddenly had shot his Heart