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ID	Title	Author	Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication)	STC	Words	Pages
A35190	England's jests refin'd and improv'd being a choice collection of the merriest jests, smartest repartees, wittiest sayings, and most notable bulls yet extant, with many new ones never before printed to which are added XIII ingenious characters drawn to the life / the whole work compil'd with great care and exactness, and may serve as the witty-man's companion, the busie-man's diversion and the melancholy man's physick and recreation, calculated for the innocent spending of the winter evenings by H.C.	Crouch, Humphrey, fl. 1635-1671.	1693 (1693)	Wing C7277B; ESTC R37703	63,227	205

ENGLAND's JESTS Refin'd and Improv'd Being a Choice COLLECTION OF THE Merriest Jests Smartest Repartees Wittiest Sayings and most Notable Bulls yet Extant With many New Ones never before Printed TO WHICH ARE ADDED XIII Ingenious CHARACTERS Drawn to the Life The whole WORK compil'd with great Care and Exactness And may serve as the Witty-Man's COMPANION the Busie-Man's DIVERSION and the Melancholy Man's PHYSICK and RECREATION The Third Edition with the Addition of several Jests not permitted to be Printed in the former Impressions Calculated for the Innocent spending of the Winter Evenings By H. C. Semel in Anno Ridet Apollo Horat. London Printed for Iohn Harris at the Harrow in the Poultrey 1693. ENGLAND'S JESTS REFIN'D AND IMPROV'D Spectatum admissi Risum teneatis Amici Horat. London Printted for John Harris at y e Harrow in y e Poultry LICENS'D And Entred According to Order The Preface to the READER READER AS I know and own Plain-Dealing to be a Iewel so I were much too blame if I did not use it with You Therefore as a taste thereof there were two Reasons that chiefly induced me to compile this small Piece and which I proposed to my self as the end thereof viz. Your Pleasure and my own Profit For let Men pretend what they will for their Scribling as the Informa●ion Instruction or Obligation of their Friends and Countrey-men with Twenty other Reasons given for it I must beg their Pardons if I can't screw up my Faith to believe 'em For 't is too plain that Interest sways the World and that all sorts and degrees of Men even from the Courtier to the Cobler are its Votaries You will not then admire if I proposed it to my self nor do I think that I stood in need of a Preface to convince you of it But Custom calling for one a Book being without it as our Modern Wits say Like a House without a Porch or a Play without a Prologue c. Tho I must confess I am no great admirer of Prefaces looking upon 'em I mean the Generality of 'em for there are some that are Concise Pithy and Instructive to be for the most part Impertinent Superfluous and little to the purpose stuft with Flattery and Ostentation and many times excessive long and tedious like too much Ceremony before a good Feast which by its long detaining a Man palls his Appetite Notwithstanding which I was willing to give you some short account of tjis Book which you will find to be a choice Collection of the merriest Iests c. as you may see in the Title Page to which I refer you extracted from the several Authors that have written on those Subjects Wherein their Gold is separated from their Dross their Vnpolite ones are Refin'd their long and tedious ones Retrench'd their old ones render'd Modern and those unworthy an ingenious Mans Reading wholy left out The Composure thereof having cost me no small Care and Pains as you may judge that not only the reading over but Critical Examination of the several Books written as aforesaid on those Subjects must needs amount to But perhaps some carping Zoilus or severe Cato will either blame the Composure of those Iests or utterly deny the usefulness of any As to the first I leave it to your Candor to judge of it knowing that if you come to delight your Self with Ingenious Fancies and not to Carp you may find some in this Collection that may answer your Expectation But if there still remain any that ought to be Expung'd pass 'em by and let the Merits of the Majority a●tone for their Defects To the latter Objection against all manner of Iests I think Example and Authority will be a suffi●ient Apollogy especially since they do not interfere with Religion or good Manners But I leave the whole to your Perusal Hoping that as I have done what lay in my Power to contribute to your Pleasure and Delight so you will do your part and show your kind acceptance thereof in buying it especially when you may have it at so Reasonable a Rate as One Shilling Farewel H. C. ENGLAND's JESTS Refin'd and Improv'd 1. APelles the Famous Painter having drawn the Picture of Al●x●nder the Great on Horseback and presented it to him he gave it not that Praise that so exquisite a Piece deserved whereupon Apelles desired a Living Horse might be brought who seeing the Picture fell ●o ●awing and Neighing taking it to be a real Rival Upon wh●ch Apelles ingeniously told that Great Emper●u● That his Horse understood Painting better than He. 2. An Ignorant Countrey-man coming to Town went to Covent-Garden to a Gentleman to whom he was directed who out of civility to the Countrey man shew'd him what was remarkable thereabouts as the Piazza's and several Persons of Quaities stately Houses At length he came to the Church and the Countrey-man pointing to it asked the Gentleman whose House that was He told him it was the Lord of Hosts The Countrey-man having never heard of such a Lord before reply'd It was some Scotch Lord he 'd warrant him 3. A Gentleman of Grays-Inn last Winter desir'd another of the same Inn to lend him Bakers Chronicle for an hour or two He sent him word That he could not spare it out of his Chamber but if he pleased to come thither he might use it all day there Not long after the other Gentleman desir'd him to lend him his Bellows he sent him word He could not spare them out of his Chamber but if he pleased to come thither he might use them all day long there 4. A Mayor of a certain Corporation dining with the Aldermen his Brethren after Dinner to shew his Loyalty began his Majesties health on one Knee and presented it to one of the Aldermen whom he imagin'd to be no great Admirer of Health-Drinking The Alderman took the Glass and pledg'd him on both Knees which the rest of his Brethren observing the Loyal Mayor was not a little concern'd to be out-done as he thought by the Alderman and asked him why he did it not as he had begun it on one Knee Why truly says the Alderman one Knee was in Honour of the King and the other to ask God Forgiveness for so doing What says the Mayor for doing the King Honour No says he not for that but because I pledg'd a Health on that which I ought to pray on 5. A Spaniard and a Frenchman meeting in Covent-Garden after the usual Complements passed between them fell to disputing about Religion Why quoth the Spaniard will you contend with us about Religion There are more Saints in Spain then I have Hairs on my Beard And there are more in France said the Frenchman then I have Hairs on my Head and Beard too Then said the Spaniard let the contest be thus decided I will pull a Hair off your Beard for every Saint I name an●●ou shall pluck one off mine for every Saint you name So the Frenchman began and pull'd

for ought I know we might have had a deformed Child 72. The King of Spain coming into one of his chief Cities the Mayor came to make a Speech and began thus When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem but being dashed out of Countenance he said again When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem and so the third time but could not proceed Then the King turning to his Cou●tiers said We may easily ima●gine this Man to be an Ass by the Consequent 73. Mr. Philemo● Holland having Translated several Books as Plutarch Pliny Livy Cambden c. at length he Translated S●etonius Tranquillus into English upon which an ingenious Blade writ this Distich on him Phliemon with Translations doth so fill us He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus 74. A Gentleman going into a Church in London when they were chaunting Sternhold's and Hopkin's Psalms which are not the most Mellodious in the World the Words were these Have mercy upon us Miserable Sinners Ay says he they might as well h●ve s●id H●ve mercy upon us Miserable Singers 75. Two Sparks standing together in the Cloys●ers seeing a pretty Lady pals by says one of them There goes the handsomest Lady that ever I saw in my Life She hearing him turned back and seeing him very ugly said Sir I would I could in way of Requital say as much of you Faith says he so you may and Lye as I did 76. A Poor man in Smithfield having a mind to bind his Son to a Butcher but being ●olicitous to get a Master of whom he might learn his Trade well he asked his Friend who was an Ingenious Gentleman and had great Acquaintance to whom he should Bind him O says he there is a Physitian hard by you Bind him to him for he kills more than all beside in the Town 77. A Gallant Dining at a Friends House had promised a Lady to meet her in the Afternoon but being engaged after Dinner at Cards could not fairly get away wherefore he called his Boy and sent him to the Lady to excuse him whispering him in the Ear that whatever Answer the Lady returned he should tell it him as if it were from a Man that the Company might not know So the Boy went on his Errand and a little after returned to his Master who asked him aloud before the Company What was the Gentleman at home Yes Sir answered the Boy Well what said he to you He said Sir you might appoint any other time What was he doi●g says the Gentleman He was putting on his Hood and Scarf to go to Mass says the Boy which discovered the Intreague and set them all a L●ughing 78. A Woman asking her Husband for some Money to buy a broad Silver and Gold Lace to put on her Petticoat he replied thus to her If I once make you a Gold-finch you will prove a Wag-tail all your Life after 79. One that was a great Eater sitting down to Supper complained that he had lost his Stomach Well says a merry Fellow that was there If a Poor Man has found it he will be utterly undone 80. A Bishop being informed by hi● Steward of the greatness of his Expence that it was over proportionable to his Estate and that particularly the number of his Servants was too great The Bishop ordered him to draw up a Note of such as were necessary and such as were not which being done he Summoned all his Servants together and reading the Note separated them and then said These I have need of and therefore they must continue those have need of me and therefore they must continue also 81. Just after the late Kings Restauration when going to Church came to be in fashion an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go to Church for fear of being Presented she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon So Dressing her self very fine she came into the Church just at the Expiration of the Letany and the Parson having said Lord have Mercy upon us and then the People Responding thereunto she Cryed out aloud I never was here before in my Life an● since you make such a Wonderment at it I will never come again 82. Two Gentlemen walking in Cheapside in Oliver's time saw the Sign of the Golden-Cross One of them proffered to lay two Bottles of Wine with the other that he would make the master of the Shop pull down the Sign The Wager being laid he pulls off his Hat and makes half a dozen Leggs to the Sign first on one side and then on the other which the Master of the Shop seeking thinking to prevent his future Superstition suddenly pulled down his Sign whereby the Gentleman won his two Bottles of Wine 83. A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant was resolved to Examine and Instruct them at home so going to an Ancient Womans House amongst other Questions he asked her how many Commandments there were She told him she could not tell He told her there were Ten Whereat she replied A Iolly Company God Bless you and them both together Well but Neighbour says he Do you think you can keep these Commandments Ah! God Bless you Sir said she I am a poor Woman and can ha●dly keep my self I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you 84. Going to another of them ●e asked her who made her She Replyed She did not know A Child standing by he asked him the same Question who Answered God whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old Woman told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant who had lived to those Years and that little Child could tell Marry quoth she I am old Woman and have been made a great while and he was made but t'other day he may well tell who made him 85. A Quaker went to sell a Horse in Smithfield a Chapman who looked on the Horse complained of his Head Quoth the Quaker He that made that Head won't learn of thee to make Heads Why Friend says the other may I not speak of thy Horses faults if I see them Nay said he for he sees none in thee why shouldst thou see any in him The Man was so taken with the bluntness of the Quaker that he bought his Horse which as he had told him before was stark blind 86. Two Gentleman Riding on the Road espi●d at a distance an old Woman a doing her necessary occasion by a Hedge side one of them offered a Bottle of Wine that she would turn and see what she had done they agreed on the Wager and she accordingly did Well says the Loser I 'll ask her why she did so when I come to her then Riding up to her Well good Woman said he I see you have been Evacuating your self Did you so quoth she you see no more with your Eyes then you may carry away in your Mouth But pray Mrs. said the Gentle●an what made you look back on it when

a● the Sun and Moon should endure an● the Prince his Son after him 11. One finding his Friend abed at Ten a Clock in the Morning asked him why he lay so long Why Faith says he I came home late last night Why how late was it says his Friend Late says he 't was three a Clock in the morning 12. An Ignorant Fellow complaining of the Folly of the Age said That men were far wiser in future times then now 13. One boasting of his Credit said He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time on his own Bond without either Scrip or Scrowl 14. One going over in the Ferry-Boat from Richmond to Twitnam the Ferry-mans Wife Officiating admiring said He never saw a Woman Ferry-man before 15. Two Persons going along Cheapside a Dumb-man accidentally meeting 'em jostled against one of them whereupon he held up his Stick to strike him but the Dumb-man making some sign which the Person that was with him perceiving stop●d his Friends blow asking him why he would strike a Dumb-man Is he Dumb says the other Why did he not tell me so 16. One seapking to a Gentleman of the unkindness of his supposed Friend said in a Passion That he had no sooner t●rn'd his Back but the Rascoal abused him before his Face 17. A Countrey Fellow passing by the Exchange saw the Picture of a Unicorn hang up says he to one that stood by I have seen several Pictures of these Beasts with one Horn only pray are not there some Vnicorns with two Horns 18. One asking a certain Person how his Friend came off at the Sessions-House he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand Pish says the other that 's a small matter for for a little Fee the 'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron 19. A Sea-Captain was invited to a Hunting-Match who when he came home related what sport he had after this manner Our Horses says he being well Rigg'd we man'd them and the Wind being at West-South-West Fifteen of us in Company away we stood over the Downs in the time of half a Watch we spied a Hare udner full Gale we Tackt and stood after her coming up close she Tackt and we Tackt upon which Tack I had like to run aground but getting clear off I stood after her again but as the Devil would have it just as I was going to lay her aboard bearing too much Wind I and my Horse over-set and came Heel upward 20. A silly old Fellow meeting his God-son ask'd whether he was going To School said the Boy That 's well said he there 's a Penny for you Be a good Boy and mind your Book and I hope I shall live to hear the Preach my Funeral-Sermon 21. A foolish young Esquire being newly come to his Estate taking after the old Miser his Father grew covetous He hearing his Steward say he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas What said he do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expences I will have but half a one kil●ed at a time 22. A Parson who had not much Wit to spare seeing his Son play roguish Tricks Why Sarrah said he did you ever see me do so when I was a Boy as you are 23. A Precise Fellow hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-Green said For shame Gentlemen forbear it is Gods great mercy the Bowling-Green doth not fall on your Heads 24. One sitting at Supper his Cat pa●t to and fro through his Arms brushing her Tail against his Mouth which made him so angry that he cut off the tip of her Tail saying I think now Mistress Puss I have given you an Ear-mark For a little time the Cat staid away but the next day came again according to her usal manner whereupon in a rage said he Why how now you troublesome Bitch Are you come again I thought I had given you your Break-fast last night 25. A Gentleman hiring some Labourers to pull down his old Wall that he might build a new one as they were doing it cry'd out to them to have a care least the Foundation should tumble on their Heads 26. When Guiennys were first Coyn'd they were a great rarity in the Countrey A young Fop coming from London more Gallant than Wise seeing the People so earnest to see them Alas said he throwing down two or three of them on the Table These are so common in London that you cannot receive Forty Shillings but you must take five or six of them whether you will or no. 27. One going by Water said to another in the Boat that had affronted him Speak another word and I 'll knock your Head and the Wall together 28. One that was Born in the Parish of St. Gile's Cripplegate said When I dye I 'll be Buried in Cripple Church-Yard an 't please GOD I live 29. The same Person affirming there was two sorts of Fishes allow'd to be cry'd on a Sunday being ask'd what Fishes they were answer'd Milk and Mackarel 30. One saying That the Fenny-Countreys were very unhealthy I am of your mind said another for I liv'd there once and I believe if I have liv'd there till this thime I had dy'd seven Years ago Thirteen Ingenious Characters Drawn to the Life I. Of a CHARACTER IT gives you the hint of Discourse but Discourses not and is that in Mass and Ingo● which you may Coyn and Wyer-draw into infinite ' is more Seneca than Cicero and speaks rather the Language of Oracles than Orators Every Lin●'s a Sentence and every two a Period It says not all but all it says is good and like an Air in Musick is either full of Closes or still driving towards a Close 'T is no long winded Exercise of Spirit but a forcible one and therefore soonest out of Breath 't is all matter and to the matter and has nothing of Superfluity nothing of Circumlocution So little comporting with Mediocrity as it extols to Heaven or depresses unto Hell having no mid place for Purgatorv left 'T is that in every sort of Writing delighteth most and though the Treatise be Gold it is the Jewel still which the Author of Characters like your Lapidary produces single whilst others Goldsmith like inchase them in their Works 'T is a Portraiture not only of the Body but the Soul and Mind Whence it not only delights but teaches and moves withal and is a Sermon as well as Picture to every one In fine 't is a short Voyage the Writer holds out with equal force still coming fresh unto his Journeys end whilst in long ones they commonly tire and faulter on their way And to the Reader 't is a Garden not a Journey or a Feast where by reason of the Subjects variety he is never cloy'd but at each Character as at a new Service falls too with fresh Appetite II. Of an Importunate Dun. AN Importunate Dun is the Quintessence of Vexation a Single Plague worse then all Egypts Ten a