these together with many more we cannot but imagine that the blood is a Coelestial Majesty or a Terrestrial Deity and he that is nearest allied thereunto comes nearest to that Eucrasia the best but only conceited Temperament called by Physitions Temperamentum ad Pondus which never man yet perfectly injoyed And is it not ten Thousand pitty's that this excellent Temperament should lye liable to more abuses than any of the rest that though its Spirits have the most exact temper of all wherewith the Soul as being in a Paradise is most delighted and for wit surpassing all yet is the disposition so facile and easy to be wrought on that our Wheedle finds him a dish of meat made ready to his hands at any time to feed upon but more of this hereafter The External signs by which he is known are a live look with a fresh ruddy Complexion in speech affable with a graceful delivery there are some excellent qualification in him which are no ways to the purpose for our Wheedle to take notice of savoring of too much goodness and virtue for him to imitate or profit by but his other qualities which are to him as his panis quotidianus are these First as he knows him to be a great Lover of Wit there is not an applauded Book in that respect newly minted but that he either purchaseth it for him or directs him where he may have it and the more to ingage him he is his Intelligencer-generall for all manner of witty conceits which he gleans here and there either in Taverns Bawdy-houses or Wits Coffee-houses which he bundles up promiscuously together and loads his memory therewith or fearing by its carelesness any may be scatter'd by the way he binds them up safe in his Table-book which he studiously cons two or three hour's before he gives them vent that they may the better pass for his own and in the delivery how throughly and eagerly he consults the countenance of this our well featur'd and good natured Gentleman and if he finds they pleasantly relish the Palate of his Fancy he gives him more borrow'd Sugar-plums of the like nature till he hath sweetned him for his own swallow By daily conversing with him this Rascal finds him not only extraordinary kind and affectionate to his Friend but very liberal also on both of these he works to his advantage as to the first he makes it his business to perswade him by some external demonstrations that he is a real Friend not only by protestations of Friendship but by some petty Services which may intimate as much and having possest him with that Belief by a pretended present necessity he may borrow mony of him or by an Arrest of his own ordering may draw him into such obligations that the releif of the one commonly proves the untimely destruction of the other Now by reason of that lively abounding humour he knows him to be salacious or venereally inclin'd or a great Lover of Musick and Harmony and being very sociable and willing to condescend to any Motion that may make an augmentation to Pleasure he is easily perswaded to drink plentifully these are three such knacks the Devil could not invent better to pick mens Pockets with and what damnable use doth this Wheedling Villain make of them when he hath got them together First the Wench must be procur'd which is soon done according as he finds out his harmless Bubbles inclination he carries perpetually about him a Catalogue of all the Whores he can hear of about the Town ranking them into three Columes apart and thus distinguished the Flamer Frisker and Wast-coateer The two first are new names given the Does or Bona Roba's as the Italian calls a Whore and they are the upper and middle sort the last pitiful and mean who by her incomes or plying never could purchase her self cloaths becoming the Society of Gentlemen This meretricious Catalogue he digests Alphabetically by reason of the vast quantity of those white Cloven Devils with large white spaces between to insert the names of such he hath found out by new discovery and he takes so good a method for finding them out that though they change their Names and Lodgings ever so often yet knowing how great a Friend he is to them they all send him word when occasion serves of such alterations which he puts down de novo in his Book and though one of these Whores in a years time may have twenty names yet she can have but one body which he suits his Bubble with according as he finds his inclination bend either to black brown red flaxen or any complexion whatever but present bounds before I have too far run beyond present bounds before I was aware on 't designing to speak of this more at large in its proper place when I shall come to describe the subtle Wheedling practices of Bawds Whores Pimps Bully's c. The Wench being brought which is in a garb always agreeable to the Amorist and of price according to his ability or desire this delicate bit will not seem half so palatable without a dish of Musick which lest the ravishing Consort should convert his Brutish desires into Seraphick Love for to that the Sanguine too is naturally inclined Madam Van Harlot takes him aside into another Room pretending to speak with him about business and there for a double expence gives him the opportunity to cool his Concupiscence Wine he makes use of to winde up the bottom playing on the freeness of his disposition and being tired with the excess of these various delights Madam and the Musick is dismist as things no longer pertinent to his design which is in courtesie to wait upon him home that he may have the better opportunity to pick his Pocket and if he finds the intoxicated fumes of Wine have not so fully contributed their assistance to his purpose as he would have them yet he knows by their heat they have done enough to soften the Wax of his good Nature that thereby he hath a fair opportunity to make what advantagious impression he pleaseth upon him Of Choler WEre it pertinent to my Subject I might here give you a description of Choler and how many sorts there are of it which the Latins call Bilis but I shall only name them because they have been so much discourst already there is bilis vitellina of a pale yellow Porracea greenish caerulea azure or blewish and aeruginosa of a rusty colour The Signs whereby a man may discern a man of this Cholerick Complexion are a yellowish countenance or swarthy red-hair'd or of a brownish colour very meagre and thin are soon angry and soon pleas'd like the Sanguine but differs from him in this that he is all fire in a moment inflamed and violent in the prosecution of his Revenge and no man obligeth him more than he that will any way assist him in it He then that will insinuate into his affections must flatter him in his
but keeps open house with them for all Comers and Goers if any one is taken with them and so mistakes the Broacher of them for a Friend instead of Juno he grasps an empty Cloud for these are the baits he catches Gudgeons with and the gaudy Artificial Flies the unwary rash Trout is betray'd by to its destruction If he get any one by the Ear his breath is so infectious that it is ten to one he Fly-blows it and Maggots his understanding and from the corrupting of his manners he works him into what form he pleases and frames him as he list and when he hath effected his designs to the utmost all the Fop-Gallant can say is that he was cheated in a very fair obliging manner and abused with the greatest respect Take a view of him as he walks in the streets and you shall observe his company if it be not good yet it shall be gaudy and who can distinguish men by their out-sides external appearances frequently deceive our imaginations and hood-wink our understandings goodness of Apparel frequently belyes the greatness of an Estate in telling the VVorld that the Globes of the Door-posts being guilt without the house contains nothing but Gold within Sometimes this Wheedling Rascal will insinuate himself into Society that is really Virtuous and Noble and then his greatest ambition is to be seen and useth an hundred stratagems to be publickly taken notice of in that company for this he knows must pass for a Rule infallible that men shall go under the same account and character of the company they consort with Pares cum paribus facilimè congregantur like to like quoth the Devil to the Colliar and therefore our Wheedling Polititian will never appear abroad if he can help it accompanied with persons whose habits do or actions have rendred them scandalous or villanous fearing lest the censure of the people should justly fall on him for such Association Mistake me not he never desired to be good but he would not seem bad and for no other reason than that he finds it a prejudice to business and therefore he is a constant Hearer and goes to Church not for any love he bears to it but for fear of censuring-Neighbours Oaths he hates because they are unprofitable and when he hears them belcht through a profane sulphurous mouth he flies from them faster than Satan at the Name of Jesus Lyes he looks not on as half so sinful and sometimes questions whether they are a sin or not when a round sum hath been the Product of their falsity yet he hates to tell a Lye so that every one may take notice of it He lays his Lyes close and hath always some pretence in readiness to justifie them if he fears he shall be detected he plays the Hocus and like a Jugler with his Ball crys Praesto be gone then by a quick conveyance tells you he hath none of it but such a one hath it and so shifts off the infamy to another By these means and a thousand other Wheedling tricks too many to insert in this Chapter doth this crafty Dissembler endeavour to palliate his own faults and by a seeming Sanctity obtain the good Opinion of the people that he may cheat them more infallibly and with less suspition 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Seipsum nullus fatetur esse malum There is another sort of Wheedle of whom I shall treat of in his due place but he is a Fellow than is debaucht in the highest degree and yet he too would fain have some excuse for his sins and trespasses though profanely for if any one tax him with Venery and condemn him for making his body a Burnt-offering to his inflamed Lust he will seek to justifie and acquit himself with this Plea and to seem wittily wicked asks you What did David ail when he complained of his bones and his sore ran down in the nigh If that won't stop the mouths of his Accusers but they still reproach him for a common Placket-hunter whom Plague nor Pox no nor the dreadful sight of his late Fluxing Chirurgeon can stop in the carier of his Lust and VVhoring he then pleads that though Solomon was the wisest of men yet was he over-rul'd by VVomen and so addicted to their Society and delighted in variety that the House wherein he kept them for his own use exceeded in greatness the Grand Seraglio as much as London doth St. Albans if he build Sconces and run every where on score then he pleads that S. Paul pawn'd his Cloak This is he that is like a Tumbler and dares show tricks of activity upon the very brink and Precipice of Hell and play at hide and seek with the Devil till at last he catches him in his Clutches as the Cat does her wanton prey and so spoils his sport on a sudden when possest with the greatest security The fourth Qualification of a Wheedle Flattery THe next thing we shall inspect is the Flattery of this Philautist or Wheedle whereby he captivates Fools neither can the wisest at all times escape him for he is the Picture of a Friend and by that means is mistaken for what he is not and as it is commonly observed that Pictures usually flatter so he ever shews fairer than the substance and although there be a vast disproportion between him and a true Friend yet in all outward appearances of Friendship he is more pleasing because he seems to love for no other end than advantage whereas a true Friend unbyassed by interest will take the liberty to tell his Friend what faults are observeable in him whereas he dare not do it for fear of offence and so will not loose his hold for fear of losing his design And that he may not have his labour for his pains by undertaking any fruitless work he will never yoke himself with one whom Fortune hath rendred incapable of losing any thing worth the taking notice of his aim is at such who stand aloft or such whose plentiful condition tempt his pains to deceive them Such men are his Books which he continually studies he plumbs their understanding then gets a perfect knowledge of their humours inclinations passions c. having learn'd them so well that he knows them better than themselves by this door by this breach he hath made in their affections he enters upon their Souls of which he is able at last to take the very mark or impression and fashion his own by it like a false Key to open all your choicest secrets Having thus riggled himself into a familiar acquaintance with your inward Faculties he then makes his affections jump even with yours nay he will be so perfectly skill'd in all those he intends to bubble that he will be before-hand with them with their thoughts and be able in a manner to suggest them to themselves He never commends any thing to you but what he knows you like and what you like if not considerable he will strain his
hath serv'd then so three or four times converting their Conventicles into dwelling Houses Ah This Horse Covetousness is an unruly Beast he draws our Saint to all manner of Vices to Lying Hypocrisy knavery in dealing nay even to the sins of the flesh many yea many a time hath he drawn our Saint to his Neighbours wife and there so kicked and frisked that he hath thrown him upon her ah threw him even upon her This Horse is so ungovern'd that no man can live in quiet near this Saint he breaks down his Neighbours fences eats up his grass and his corn and is so often taken dammage fesant that was he not a serviceable Horse and very profitable to this Saint he would not keep him One faculty this Horse has which makes his Master highly prize him he is an excellent Stretcher of Conscience take him in a morning when he is fresh and put him to the Self-edifying Saints Conscience he will draw it so wide that 't will swallow any thing In the next place we come to the Whip which is no common whip but a whip of many Cords most suitable to his designs and that 's a Conventicle and in which are many rich men and they serve as so many Cords for the Horse Covetousness in it are many Admirers of this Pseudo-hagist and they serve as so many Lashes for the other Horse Pride These motives are the Spurs that prick on the Palfreys which hurry away the Chariot He is never so rampant as at a Conventicle here his Pride snorts and prances spurns against Government condemning and contemning all that are not of his way and scornsully pitting all those poor lost Creatures that gainsay a Meeting-House Ah poor Souls they live in sin they are stupified and have no sense of the joy and Refreshments that we have at our Meetings c. In the mean time Covetuousness claps his Tail betwixt his Legs lays his ears close to his head and leers at the rich and wealthy Brethren He pulls the Chariot hard towards the Sisters Silver and Gold Bodkins and with such Concupiscence that sometimes he gets Bodkin Sister and all It is fit I should now inform you how he handles his Whip and the place where Policy hath taught him to put the Whip That Ale-house that Inn that Tavern is best scituated and most dexterously contrived that hath a thorough-fair as 't is called in it for by that convenience custom is gain'd so our Saint that hath all the Tricks of a Tavern or Tipling-house hath likewise this and places his Conventicle where there may be a Common way or passage through it in hopes thereby to catch some silly Gudgeon or other that comes near his Net so Mountebanks gain Company and he well knows that many persons fall into the loose sport of Pidgeon-holes meerly upon the occasion of passing by them In a word his whole life is nothing but an holy Wheedle he prays with men at home one day to beg or borrow the next he preaches himself into a sweat till he stink again in the Conventicle that concluding his Sermon with a prayer for the people he may then use that opportunity to pray them to consider his necessities and having reminded them of their former liberal contributions he then reproves them for slackning their hands Ah! says be are not these sad times Is not this a sad Age When the Saints and Children of God are so slow to good works Mistake me not the sadness doth not arise from my want of that abundance of money your liberal contributions used to suply me with but from this that your defect herein is a sign you are fallen from Grace 't is a sign your Zeal is not so warm as it has been 't is a sign the Doctrine we preach has not such an influence upon you as it ought 't is a sign of a dissolution and that the World will be at an end The Wheedle of the Shop-keeper MEthinks I see him standing at his Shop-door this cold Weather either blowing his fingers eagerly waiting if he be a young Man for one kick at the Ball or basting his sides with his own hand and so makes every cold day a Good-Friday to chastise him for the sins he hath committed If any person pass by him and but looks into his shop he fondly imagins him a Customer and intreats for his own necessities by asking others what they lack if any chance to step in he hath Hocus tricks enough to delude them and rarely shall they stir out like sheep engaged in Bryers but they shall leave some Fleece behind them Some have dark shops with false lights which wonderfully set off a commodity others for want of that make use of their tongues arogantly commending their own things and protesting whatever they exhibit to view is best in the Town though the worst in his shop his words are like his wares twenty of one sort and he goes over them alike to all Comers and when he hath done with his yard he invites you to the Tavern to oblige you for the future you may there soon measure his understanding which extends no further than the Longitude of his shop but for the latitude of his Conscience it is as little known as the North-west-passage Others say that he has no such thing now as Conscience for finding it a thing that was likely to lye upon his hands he was forced to put it off and in its stead took upon him the pretence of Religion that by the profession thereof he might take the greater liberty of Lying which he does by rote having spent most of his time in learning that Art and the language and crafty phrase of selling dear and that to his friends and acquaintance rather than other persons knowing he can make more bold to cheat them than Strangers from hence you may gather that he never speaks more truly than when he says he will use you as his own Brother you may believe him for he will not stick to abuse the nearest Relation he hath in this kind and in his Shop thinks it lawful He is commonly of that Religion which brings him in most Customers and is never more angry at others tenets than when they bring him in no profit and so by a mis-interpreted sense of Scripture to him Godliness is great gain How obsequious and full of cringes he is to him that pays ready money but where he does befriend a man he is a Tyrant and by his frequent duns makes a man weary of his native Country One thing I like in him very well he takes special care of not letting Conyes burrough in his shop-Shop-book knowing 't will be hard ferretting them out again In he be rich he not only commands a credit but hath the benefit and previledge of paying his money when he pleases and the poor Creditor many times when necessitated for it dares not make a demand for fear of losing his Customer the intrigues of
buying and selling are infinite nor is it possible for any to enumerate them but A Jack-of-all-Trades Wherefore I shall leave him with all his tricks and delusive devices and come to the poor cracking Shop-keeper whose credit being out at Elbows what hard shifts doth he make to keep himself from sinking and lays hold on every petty thing that is next him like a Lover he is so continually tired with breaking of Oaths Faith Vows and promises that he hath neither time nor strength to perform any other exploit A Saturday is the Mclancholiest part of the whole Weck not so much by reason of the frappish and humoursom Planet that governs it but by reason of too many insufferable Dunns who tread the streets in terrour and that 's the reason some Citizens can as well be hang'd as keep out of Nine-pin-houses in Moor-Fields on this day to be out of the sight of those ghastly apparitions that haunt their Ghosts at the heel of the Week Poverty and Necessity the God of the Andreans that could stop the mouth of Themistocles cannot appease the wrath of a City creditor whose empty mony bag twisted about his hand is as killing as a Gorgons head and therefore 't is well the poor man is out of the way and is only practising those sports which are like to be his only lively-hood in short time and what a kindness it is for a man to be removed from the cares and labours of this world to the sweet pleasures of drinking smoaking and other sportive recreations 'T is well these Desperado's in Estate are not so strong as Sampson for they would then not put their Landlords key underneath the door but take away key house and all VVhat abundance of Travellers should we meet upon the Road with Houses and Shops furnished And what Landlord seeing a man standing on the Sea-shore with his house upon his back swearing he would send it to the bottom of the Ocean but would come to any composition Besides they were out of the reach of the Law for there is no Statute in Bolton against removing Houses so a man carry them whole without breaking but the lineaments of Fate are certain the Cobler cannot go beyond his Last therefore now adays it is better for Debtors to fall to their prayers beseech as Daniel out of the Lyons Den or Jonas out of the Whales belly I shall conclude with a word of advice he that has a Creditor over-cholerick let him not be too hasty for 't is time and Straw that mellow Medlors but should thy Adversary make use of a Lawyer do thou make use of a Lawyer and an half and having brought thy Noble to Nine-pence never spare at the bottom and having whitten thy Mil-post to a Pudding-prick in the full of the Moon go hang thy self lest Poverty and cold Weather overtake thee napping together CHAP. VIII The Practicing APOTHECARY IN Galens time and many Ages after him Medicines for their greater secrecy were prepared and composed by Physicians only but people growing numerous and diseases encreasing by intemperance their multiplicity imposed a necessity upon Physicians being unable to attend all their Patients as formerly to dismember their Art into three Parts the servile into Chyrurgery and Pharmacy The Physician as I said before having variety of Patients and having not leisure to make up his own Medicines caused his servant to setch them already prepared from the Apothecary and from thence to convey them to the Patient by which means the Apothecary was kept in ignorance as to the Application and Use of the said Medicines not being suffered to be acquainted with the Patient nor the Diseases lest they should presume to venture on Practice In time the Physicians honour and vast riches in the eye of the Chyrurgion and Apothecary proved seeds sown in their minds that budded into Ambition of becoming Master and inro covetousness of equalling them in wealth both which they thought themselves capable enough of aspiring to by an Empyrical skill the neglect of their Masters had given them occasion to attain unto for they sent them to their Patients with Medicines and did entrust them with the preparation of their greatest secrets This trust they soon betrayed for having insinuated into a familiar acquaintance with their Patients perswaded them that those that had made and dispensed the Medicines were able to apply them to the like distempers as well as they that had prescribed them by this means they arrived to a Copartnership with their Masters in reputation title and estate and having got enough they scorn to take pains by manual operation as formerly but leap boldly out of a shop into a Doctorship The Booksellers original in some measure runs parallel with the Apothecaries Before Printing was there was Book-binding for what Manuscripts were then in being were made publick by transcribing them by certain Clerks writing a good Hand and made a livelihood thereof the written Books were convey'd to the Binder who bound them after what manner the Owner directed him as Authors and Books encreased so did his profit by his Trade insomuch that some of these Binders g w rich and purchased so many Manuscripts as to furnish a Shop indifferently according to those times and dying left their sons well stockt but Printing comeing in broke the neck of the writing Clerks but yet gave a considerable lift to the rising Book-binder who not only bound for others but himself and Printing his own Copies had work enough to do to bind his own books his stock encreasing by the benefit of Printing it was business enough for him to minde his Shop and see that his servants pleas'd his Customers and now resolves to work no more His sewing-Press lies mouldy in the Garret his Plow neglected lies and his Knives rust the skrews of his standing and his cutting-Presses have forgot their wonted duty and stubbornly won't stir an inch for any his Marble-moody-beatingstone weeps incessantly to see the weighty Hammer lie rusting in a corner unregarded In short if he work it is for his pleasure and what pains he takes now and then in binding of a book is his Pastime The Sonne after his Fathers Decease scornes the mean Title of a Book-binder and therefore employs others and is henceforward stil'd a Bookseller and the rest of his Brethren who are able follow his example Thus as Binding formerly was the Rise of a lazy Bookseller so many a Doctor now adays had formerly a hand in scouring the skillets and having with slavery and difficulty served his time set up but having very little interest in the Doctors of the Colledge and other Grandees whose single Practice is enough to make an Apothecary he takes pet and leaving his shop out of spight takes at first a Chamber and hangs it with Pots Glasses Boxes c. and the ruines or remains of his broken Profession and by them and his Bills gets the reputation of an able Doctor And now give me
in the world and when they walk to carry their eyes and noses directly before them not daring to turn their weighty noddles on either side for fear of forfeiting their Gravity There are another brood of men who start from the Desk and snatch up a Gown and having first in their infancy been swadled and nursed up in rags of paper are at riper years somtimes out of Poverty put Clerks to Attorneys from whence without the least taste of University-Learning they advance swell'd with Presumption and full of ignorance and impudence to the Barr profit and lucre then becomes the only subject of their conversation Gain gives motion to all their actions ' and that also is the end of all their Arguments whilst Reason and Honesty are oft made Factors to their avarice if ever you have occasions that force you to make use of these Persons or to seek any favour from them they expect from you the greatest attendance and submissions but where money is to be gotten they on the contrary will be as base and servile in their flatteries how repugnant soe're this is you must dispose your self if you intend as well as they to act the Wheedle advantageously and when your thoughts are at strife about it call it a submission to necessity and occasion Vide L' Art du Complair elegantly translated and called The Art of Complaisance Lord one would wonder some of these Upstarts should so strut it in Gown and other Finery since their ancient beginning was but a blew Coat and as I have been told the Wearers thereof stood at the Hall-Gate as Plying Water-men at the Stairs And as the one cries to London-hay the other cry'd seeing any approach D' ye want a Pleader d' ye want a Pleader My young Attorney newly hatcht under a Lawyer and whilst but pen-feather'd nests for himself and either practices in anothers name for half-fees which he makes whole by acting too as a Sollicitor or else by the hoorded pence of an indulgent Mother purchases an Office two Desks and a quire of paper with a pint of Ink and an hundred of Quills and a Pen-Knife true set set him up his Office shall be lined with green and the wood adorned with Taffarels and carved work his shelves fill'd with paper and parchment and a Practice of Piety lies not more certainly in a Brothel as The Statutes at large or some Folio law-Law-book in his window These in time purchase him an Appâ—entice or two with a considerable sum and his success in two or three common Causes proclaim him an able Attorney this procures him Clients more then he can mind and they produce him money more then he knows well what to do with and having gotten a wife with a good estate minds the Tavern more than the Court. Some of them have the smatch of a Scholar and yet use Latin very hardly and lest it should accuse them cut it off in the midst and will not let it speak out and fearing that his Hand-Writing should prove Traitor to his actions it is as difficult to be understood as his countenance which always looks sollicitous unless disordered by some liberal Treat it matters not at whose cost whether Plaintiff or Defendant so that it brings in Grist to the Mill and benefit from both sides I say to amuse the ignorant his looks seem careful importing much hast and dispatch whilst he only waits for an Habeas Corpus to delay the Suit for three Tearms and that he may not be suspected as idle or little employed he is never to be seen without his Hands full of business that is of paper to illustrate what I have said I must not omit the insertion of this Example B was Arrested at the suit of A B advised with an Attorney what to do not having Bail he replied Give me my Fee and I 'le appear for you and save you the trouble of Bail The Tearm following a Declaration is Filed against the Defendant who thereupon consults his Attorney and he cries nothing but Give me my Fee and I 'le defend it He delays the Suit till next Tearm at which time he must plead and then calls on his Client for money to that end and purpose besides his own Fee afresh the Assize coming on the Cause proceeds to Aniall then cries the Attorney again Give me my Fees for Counsel and charge of the Court and I 'le defend it At the Trial a Verdict passeth for the Plaintiff Oh! What must be done now cries the Defendant Then says the Attorney The Declaration is nought I 'le move the Court this next Tearm in Arrest of Judgment The Motion being made the Court confirms Judgment And Execution thereupon is coming out What shall we do now cries the Defendant We are lost undone quite undone Not so yet cries the Attorney Give me my Fee and I 'le bring a Writ of Errour and keep off Execution two or three Tearms But now observe the Error is at length argued and Judgement affirmed thereupon for the Plaintiffe with increase of Costs for the Delay no Errour being found in the Proceedings the poor Defendant at his Wits-ends not knowing what to do with a face more miserable then the first lines of an Humble Petition asks his Attorney What he shall do now Hast any moneys cries the Attorney If so we will get an Injunction and bring it into Chancery Here it may be the Cause hangs three or four Tearms at length no Equity being found the Complainants Bill is dismiss'd with Cost allowed to the Defendant hereupon the Client willing to purchase more Advice asks What must be done now the Attorney having no more delays to make advantage of with a shrug in much haste cries There 's no more to be said Go pay the Knave his money he 's a Rascal and I 'm satisfied Thus Hudibras in Rhime Burlesque So Lawyers lest the Bear Defendant And Plaintiff Dog should make an end on 't Do stave and tail with Writs of Errour Reverse of Judgements and Demurrer To let 'em breath a while and then Hoop-and so set 'em on again But to proceed I say his face seems as intricate as the most winding Cause and talks of nothing but Statutes Presidents Reports ' and the Lord knows what as if the first time he had mooted was when he was in Hanging Sleeves and that from that time he had fed on nothing but what a Judge had Cook'd for his learned Stomach whereas he had no other Porridge-pot but his Ink-horne which could not boyle him sustenance but for the fewel of his deluded Clients All his actions words and gestures are very stiff and affectedly constrained his conversation is obstinate and full of Contradiction and contrary to the pliable Complaisant wheedle grows rich by strise and wrangling What a man of worship is he when living in a Country Village all fear him but few love him the dread of him so aws some spirits that they are at a treble
Almanack wherein is registred some of his best debts which were cancel'd in his Debt books that they might not be known to Wife or Creditor and then tells him That he was with such and such that such a Person a very honest Gentleman promised him such a day to pay him so much That he had received a little from him to day that there was so much for his Pains and desires that with his thanks and humble service he will present so much to his Master where note if this charge be not constantly paid he is inexorable to all Prayers and entreaties We read that the Faylor in the Acts fell down at the feet of his two Prisoners when he saw such a terrible Habeas Corpus come from Heaven to remove them But it is to be feared had those Prisoners been here now the Earth might have shook as well as the Prison ere it could have shaken some Prison-Petty-Tyrants in the Kingdom In the next place let us consider the evils that proceed from the Master Keepers letting his Cellar at a rack Rent which indeed must inevitably follow from his paying so dear for the Custody of his Den. The Cellar-man or Tapster which you will is whilst money is stirring Plentifully Extraordinary kind at home and that you may pay for it abroad If you have a desire to take the Air he will proffer sometimes the kindness to be your Keeper and you need not fear he will tire you with walking For he shall only carry you to the next Crony-Tavern of his acquaintance And then if you are not drunk for joy that you are abroad and spew to gratify his courtefie you understand not what it is to have a Prison-Tapster to your friend As your money shortens he slackens his favours at length he cannot hear you when you call for Beer and Tobaccho yet in hope to be paid one time or other and partly out of the lechery they have in couzening and cheating with short measures and confounded Mundungus is at length perswaded to let his dear Euridices his Beer and his Brandy take a little Air out of his infernal Regions but the hot Strumpet leaves such violent Claps behind her in the Pockets of the poor Prisoners that no Aqua Fortis eats so violently into a Fob as she doth Only the Cellar-man has one Recipe to stop the violence of the Gonorrhea by crying in a tone like a Bear I 'le trust no more and so he might say as often and as currishly as he pleased might the doors stand open and men might have the liberty of coming in or out as they pleased For in such places there is the worst least and dearest of all things whereas the poor Prisoners ought to have the most best and cheapest However this brings in a great annuity to the Master-Keeper Though this is none of the least of his benefits yet he hath a great many more than I can tell you proceeding from his Iron-Barr'd Limbeck and in his Chymistry acts contrary to Nature while he makes it his business all his life to extract something out of nothing and by reducing men to nothing out of the Caput Mortuum of their perished Estates makes himself something However there lyes a Curse upon him for as it is observed from the highest to the lowest that never any one of them dyed worth a groat their reign feldom exceeds the length of a Popes being Poisoned quickly in five or six years by excessive drinking Lim'd Sack stum'd Glaret and high Feeding Now should there prove a Conspiracy between the Sheep and Goose who out of pure revenge on them who devoured their dead Carcasses are resolved to devour them whilst living by aiding and assisting their enemies with implements to draw up a formidable thing called commonly an Habeas Corpus by which their Persons are seized and carried over the Gulph Thamesis and then incarcerated in the Kings Bench it is a thing worth the noting that the filliest of Creatures should be too hard for most cunning Foxes nay by a Sheep-skin conveyed violently into the Hesperian Gardens of Southwark where though there are no Golden Apple-Trees growing yet they shall find many Lions waking for their security Some say the Prisoners themselves are changed into Golden Apple-trees to whom as long as they bear fruit the Lion is as gentle as a Red Herring but if they wither and grow dry they are presently cut down and made sewel for the Common Gaol Nay your brace of Guardian Angels will forsake you for want of a little chamber-rent otherwise Polyphemus himself is civil enough and will be content to have his own eye put out for a while while Ulysses escapes under the belly of the Golden-Fleece Now under what Planets the Tip-staves and Waiters were borne the best Figure-Flingers cannot tell some believe Mercury though not as he was a god but an English Gusman They are a sort of Vermin that believe not only the Moon but all Mankind to be made of green Cheese so like Rats and Mice do they altogether live and feed upon it And now to the unspeakable comfort of the Creditor let us a little look into the Counsels and Deportment of their Debtors under Confinement In a full meeting or assembly this Question is Started Whether a man ought to be compelled against his will to pay his debts A Sage person much indebted and a long time a Prisoner and therefore more capable of being a Law-giver was positively in the negative And thus he proved it If volenti non fit injuria no injury can be done to him that is willing then it follows that all injury must be done to him that is unwilling now what greater injury can be done to a man then to compel him to pay money against his will whether he has it or no Again no man was ever compelled to lend money what reason then is there that a man should be compelled to repay it Otherwise lending of money seems a kind of invention of Man to trepan his fellow-creature to lend him money that he may afterwards make him his miserable slave and vassal and triumph over his calamity It was concluded on all sides that there can be no greater mischief done to man than to captivate his body and deprive him of his divine priviledge of freedom he then yet intends the ruine of another ought to have the same ruine intended to himself Hereupon the Counsel broke up and every one applyed himself to the usuall holy exercises there performed as Dicig Drinking Drabbling c. Venus is very powerful here but Bacchus much more being indeed the very Baal-Peor of this place As for the Stars of the first Magnitude they resorted to the Leg or Golden Lyon The lesser bestowed their influences on Ale-Houses Brandy-Shops c. And now dear friends you who are Creditors to these Persons how do you think you shall be satisfied your debts when nothing will serve your turns but to make
rich how will she humour him and under the pretence of pleasing him with any thing either eatably or liquid she franckly calls for it to oblige her own pallat and she shall pay dearly for it to boot and to make him believe how much she loves him will not stirr from him but when business calls upon her And when she returns it shall be with such speed and cheerfulness that if he be not quite drown'd in his liquor with half an eye he may see the greatness of her love and kindness and to make a demonstration thereof the Husband by her perswasions and his compliance to her Wheedling-contrivances shall go to bed and so give them the opportunity of a private Conference Now out-comes all his passions vanities and those shamefuller humours which discretion cloaths all which she converts to her own advantage at length with a thousand Protestations she never admitted any to that freedom before but her Husband though a hundred preceded him she sends him to bed fully assured of his future as well as present happiness Of all men the young man is her Darling whom she can best shape and fashion as she pleases and can perswade him to any thing for he sees but the outside of men and things and conceives them according to their appearing glister and out of this ignorance believes them thus she makes all her flatteries pass for real kindnesses and the more to endear him to her he must call her Mother and will not beangry with her son if he commit Incest with her and lest the rest of her adopted children should take exceptions at it she will give all of them who have a mind to it the same liberty This Obligation ties them to the house as firmly as a Galley-slave to the Oar and this is for a while the only Rendez-vouz of all their Revels The truth on 't is she need not use many Wheedles to this sort of people to effect her designes for since their Reason seems not to curb but only to understand their appetites they prosecute the motions thereof with such eager earnestness that being themselves their own temptation they need not Satan to prompt them if Wine and Women be in their company Of all her Guests there is none makes her such incomparable sport as the Fop What dye lack Sir or the meer Trading-bubble of the City when he comes into the Countrey as ignorant as the Clown both of them being much about the same model and pitch of brain only the ones ignorance is a little more finical She knows him by his garb and bawling deportment when he rides into the yard and indeed his posture in riding onely is enough to discover him and the better to humour his vanity she makes as great a noise as he in calling on her servants to give him attendance and then waits him at the Parlor door to welcom him with her smiles courtesies whilst she is screwing her mouth into a round plumpness that the warmth of her lips may signify the glowing of her other parts and the fervency of that zeal she hath to serve him The wine being brought which must be a Pint of Mul'd Sack if in winter time Ninny drinks to Mystress Craftsby which she kindly receives and will not let the liquor cool in her hand by any means but nimbly possess the cup till the pint be out A cessation of sipping for a while being concluded on they still proceed in the exercise of their mouths by talking and billing both their chief education lye in their Occupation which indeavours to Apify the humours and manners of their best Guests or Customers the frequent visits of finical Gentlemen fine Ladies and Gallants Antartick to the City fashion who have a mode in Speech as well as habit peculiar to themselves I say from these he draws the infection of Eloquence and Fopperies and catching any one word which he imagines extraordinary although he understand not the Etymologie thereof wears it for ever and regards not how Thread-bare it is by his often using it so his habit be not in that condition As he takes up Wares on Credit so he does words and in time it may he makes himself a Bankrupt as to both for as he is affected with Complements and gingling Expressions so no man pays dearer for them since severall debts in his Shop Books are often payd by them And this our subtle Hostess knows full well and therefore fits him to a Hair having had the same or larger advantages of various society than himself Having first tickled his ear with what pretty pleasant collections of wit she hath collected from the ingenious frequenters of her house she then indeavours to inform her self what his profession is knowing that not only praises the function but promises to buy of him what she or her friends hath occasion to make use of and that she may make it appear that she hath not only rich Relations but acquaintance of good quality she recounts the names of such and such men of known Estates and Reputation in hopes of such good Customers he calls freely and drinks as plentifully and having plyed him with warm cloaths she gives him some small Encouragements of attaining her the temptation takes and every kiss proves a conspiracy at length her petulant deportment gains over him a totall conquest yet staves him off Fruition by holding him in expectation and Encouraging his hopes she makes his shop-commodities dance after hers and her Inn or house must be his home If in the City he willingly drinks no where else obliges his friends to go with him and institutes Clubs of several Trades not to propagate their interest in the least but his own and raise his reputation with the Hostess If in the Countrey he takes the benefit of the Air very often as he calls it for his healths sake and so deludes his indulgent Wife that she may not grumble at his absence nor suspect his intentions which are fully bent in the prosecution of his designed pleasures and that he may be the more made welcome when he comes alone he often seduceth his Neighbors to accompany him abroad who good natur'd men will not deny him that civility and though it be often repeated with great expence yet they grutch it not finding from their Country delights so full a compensation The instigator to these rural Rambles is better satisfied in his thoughts having cunningly perswaded them to club towards that satisfaction he hath propounded to himself which he believes they never shall have the happiness to injoy and probably he neither for if she be wife and prudent she hath her Booms to keep off those who design to clap her aboard and haling in her Guns she may seem to be a fenceless Merchant-man to invite the Enemy to atraque her but presently run them out again and so make prize of him that would have done the like to her Her interest may in some