thereof for it did alwayes in almost whatever I thought intermix it self therewith in such sort that I could neither eat my food stoop for a pin chop a stick or cast mine eye to look on this or that but still the temptation would come Sell Christ for this or sell Christ for that 109. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts not so little as a hundred times together Sell him sell him sell him against which I may say for whole hours together I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it lest haply before I were aware some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent thereto and sometimes also the Tempter would make me believe I had consented to it then should I be as tortured on a Rack for whole dayes together 110. This temptation did put me to such scares lest I should at some times I say consent thereto and be overcome therewith that by the very force of my mind in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness my very Body also would be put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting still answering as fast as the destroyer said fell him I will not I will not I will not I will not no not for thousands thousands thousands of worlds this reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults set too low a vallue of him even until I scarce well knew where I was or how to be composed again 111. But to be brief one morning as I did lie in my Bed I was as at other times most fiercely assaulted with this temptation to sell and part with Christ the wicked suggestion still running in my mind sell him sell him sell him sell him as fast as a man could speak against which also in my mind as at other times I answered No no not for thousands thousands thousands at least twenty times together but at last after much striving even until I was almost out of breath I felt the thought pass through my heart Let him go if he will and I thought also that I felt my heart consent thereto 112. Now was the battel won and down felâ— I as a Bird that is shot from the top of a Tree in to great guilt and fearful despair thus gettinâ— out of my Bed I went moping into the field but God knows with as heavy a heart as mortal man I think could bear where for the space of two hours I was like a man berest of life and as now past all recovery and bound over to eternal punishment 113. And withal that Scripture did seize upon my Soul Or profane person as Esau who for one morsel of meat sold his Birth-right for you know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears Heb. 12.16 17. 114. These words were to my Soul like Fetters of Brass to my Legs in the continual sound of which I went for several months together But about ten or eleven a Clock one day as I was walking under a Hedge full of sorrow and guilt God knows and bemoaning my self for this hard hap that such a thought should arise within me suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me The Blood of Christ remits all guilt at this I made a stand in my Spirit with that this word took hold upon me The Blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth â—s from all sin now I began to conceive peace in my Soul and methought I saw as if the Tempter did hear and steaâ— away from me as being ashamed of what he had done At the same time also I had my sin and the Blood of Christ thus represented to me That my sin when compared to the Blood of Christ was no more to it than this little clot or stone before me is to this vast and wide field that here I see This gave me good encouragement for the space of â—wo or three hours in which time also me thought I saw by faith the Son of God as suffering for my sins But because it tarried not I therefore sunk 〈◊〉 my spirit under exceeding guilt again 115. Sometimes also I should have a touch from â—hat in Luk. 22.31 I have prayed for thee that thy Faith fail not but it would not abide upon me neither could I indeed when I consider'd my state find ground to conceive in the least that there should be the root of that Grace within me having sâ—nned as I had done Now was I tore and rent in heavy case for many days together 116. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin and to search in the word of God if I could in any place espy a word of Promise or any encouraging Sentence by which I might take relief Wherefore I began to consider that third of Mark Aâ—l manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the sons of men wherewith soever they shall blaspheme Which place me thought at a blush did contain a large and glorious Promise for the pardon of high offences but considering the place more fully I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had while in a natural estate committed such things as there mentioned but not to me who had not onely received light and mercie but that had both after and also contrary to that so slighted Christ as I had done 117. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that sin unpardonable of which he there thus speaketh But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness but is in danger of eternal damnation And I did the rather give credit to this because of that sentence in the Hebrews For yâ—u know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears 118. And now began I to labour to call again time that was past wishing a thousand times twice told that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin concluding with great indignation both against my heart and all assaults how I would rather have been torn in pieces than found a consenter thereto but alas these thoughts and wishings and resolvings were now too late to help me the thought had passed my heart God hath let me go and I am fallen O thought I that it was with me as in months past as in the days when God preserved me Job 29.2 119. Then again being loth and unwilling to perish I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that are saved had done as I had done So I considered David's Adultery and Murder and found them most hainous crimes and those too committed after light and grace received but yet by considering I perceived that
then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
with such conceits as these I should think that God did mock at these my prayers saying and that in the audience of the holy Angels This poor simple Wretch doth hanker after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he alas poor fool how art thou deceived it is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest 90. Then hath the Tempter come upon me also with such discouragements as these You are very hot for mercy but I will cool you this frame shall not last alwayes many have been as hot as you for a spirt but I have quench'd their Zeal and with this such and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes then I should be afraid that I should do so too but thought I I am glad this comes into my minde well I will watch and take what heed I can Though you do said Satan I shall be too hard for you I will cool you insensibly by degrees by little and little what care I saith he though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last continual rocking will lull a crying Child asleep I will ply it close but I will have my end accomplished though you be burning hot at present yet if I can pull you from this fire I shall have you cold before it be long These things brought me into great straights for as I at present could not find my self fit for present death so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit for time would make me forget all and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin the worth of Heaven and the need I had of the Blood of Châ—ist to wash me both out of mind and thought But I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make me slack my crying but rather did put me more upon it like her who met with the Adulterer Deut. 22.25 in which dayes that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while I am perswaded that neither death nor life c. shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus Rom. 8.38 And now I hoped long life should not destroy me nor make me miss of Heaven 91. Yet I had some supports in this temptation though they were then all questioned by me That in the third of Jeremiah at the fiâ—st was something to me and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that Chapter that though we have spoken and done evil things as we could yet we should cry unto God My Father thou art the Guide of my youth and should return unto him 92. I had also once a sweet glance from that in â— Cor. 5.21 For he hath made him to be sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him I remember also that one day as I was sitting in a Neighbours House and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies and as I was saying in my mind What ground have I to think that I who have been so vile and abominable should ever inherit eternal life that word came suddenly upon me What shall we say to these things If God be for us who can be against us Rom. 8.31 that also was an help unto me Because I live you shall live also Joh. 14.19 But these were but hints touches and short visits though very sweet when present onely they lasted not but like to Peters Sheet of a sudden were caught up from me to Heaven again Act. 10.16 93. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me and indeed did quite not onely deliver me from the guilt that by these things was laid upon my Conscience but also from the very filth thereof for the temptation was removed and I was put into my right mind again as other Christians were 94. I remember that one day as I was traveling into the Countrey and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart and considering of the enmity that was in me to God that Scripture came in my mind He hath made peace by the blood of his Cross Col. 1.20 by which I was made to see both again and again and again that day that God and my Soul were friends by this blood yea I saw that the justice of God and my sinful Soul could imbrace and kiss each other through this blood thiâ— was a good day to me I hope I shall not forget it 95. At another time as I was set by the fiâ—e in my house and musing on my wretchedness the Lord made that also a precious word unto me For as much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood he also himself likewise took part of thâ— same that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death that is the Devil and deliver those who through the fear of death were all their life time subject to bondage Heb. 2.14 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sat yet not with grief and trouble but with sollid joy and peace 96. At this time also I sat under the Ministry of holy Mr. Gifford whose Doctrine by Gods grace was much for my stability This man made it much his business to deliver the People of God from all those false and unsound rests that by Nature we are prone to take and make to our Souls he pressed us to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust as from this or that or another man or men but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof and set us down therein by his own Spirit in the holy Word for said he if you do otherwise when temptations come if strongly you not having received them with evidence from Heaven will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had 97. This was as seasonable to my Soul as the former and latter rain in their season for I had found and that by sad experience the truth of these his words For I had felt no man can say especially when tempted of the Devil that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the holy Ghost Wherefore I found my Soul thorow Grace very apt to drink in this Doctrine and to incline to pray to God that in nothing that pertained to Gods glory and my own eternal happiness he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from Heaven for now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference betwix the notions of flesh and blood and the Revelations of God in Heaven also a great difference between that faith that is fained and according to mans wisdom and of that which comes by a man being born thereto of God Mat. 16.15 16. 1 John 5.1 98.
very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to and after long musing I lifted up my head but me thought I saw as if the Sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give me light and as if the very stones the street and tiles upon the house did bend themselves against me O how happâ— now was every creature over I was for they stooâ— fast and kept their station but I was gone anâ— lost 143. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my Soul I said with a grievous sigh How can God comfort such a wretch as I I had no sooner said it but this returned upon me as an eccho doth answer a voice This sin is not unto death At which I was as if I had been raised out of a grave and cryed out again Lord how couldst thou find out such a word as this For I was filled with admiration at the firness and also at the unexpectedness of the sentence 144. Now I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness But O how Satan now diâ— lay about him for to bring me down again But he could by no means do it neither this day nor the most part of the next for this good sentence stood like a Mill-post at my back Yet towards the evening of the next day I felt this word begin to leave me and to withdraw its supportation from me and so I returned to my old fears again but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness for I feared the sorrow of it 145. But the next day at evening being under many fears I went to seek the Lord and as I prayed I cryed to him in these words O Lord I beseech thee shew me that thou hast lâ—ved me with an everlasting love Jer. 31.3 I had no sooner said it but with sweetness it returned upon me I have loved thee with an everlasting lâ—ve Now I went to bed at quiet also when I awaked the next morning it was fresh upon my Soul 146. But yet the Tempter left me not for it could not be so little as an hundâ—ed times that he that day did labour to break my peace O the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with as I strove to hold by this word that of Esau would flie in my face like to Lightning I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour Yet God did bear me up and keep my heart upon this word from which I had also for several days together very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of pardon For thus it was made out to me I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin I loved thee before I love thee still and I will love thee for ever 147. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous and a filthy crime and could not but conclude and that with great shame and astonishment that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity him and my bowels to yearn towards him for I saw he was still my friend and did reward me good for evil yea the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ did work at this time such strong and hot desire of revengement upon my self for the abuse I had done unto him that to speak as then I thought had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins I could freely have spilt it all at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour 148. And as I was thus in musing and in my studies how to love the Lord and to express my love to him that saying came in upon me If thou Lord shouldst mark iniquity O Lord who should stand but there is forgiveness with thee that thou mayst be feared Psal. 130.4 These were good words to me especially the latter part thereof to wit that there is forgiveness with the Lord that he might be feared that is as then I understood it that he might be loved and had in reverence for it was thus made out to me That the great God did setâ— foâ— high an esteem upon the love of his poor Creatures thâ—â— rather then he would go without their love he would pardon their transgressions 149. And now was that word fulfilled on me and I was also refreshed by it Then shall they be ashamed and confounded and never open their mouth any more because of their shame when I am pacified towards thee for all that thou hast done saith the Lord God Ezek. 16.36 Thus was my Soul at this time and as I then did think for ever set at liberty from being again afflicted with my former guilt and amazement 150. But before many weeks were over I began to dispond again fearing lest notwithstanding all that I had injoyed that yet I might be deceived and destroyed at the last for this consideration came strong into my mind That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the Promise of Life yet unless there could be found in my refreshment a concurrance and agreement in the Scriptures let me think what I will thereof and hold it never so fast I should finde no such thing at the end For the Scriptures cannot be broken John 10.35 151. Now began my heart again to take and fear I might meet with disappointment at the last Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort and to consider whether one that had sinned as I have done might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and on which I had leaned my self but now was brought those sayings to my minde For it is impossible for those who were once enlightned and have tasted the heavenly gift and were made partakers of the holy Ghost and have tasted the good word of God and the Powers of the World to come if they shall fall away to renew thâ—m again unto repentance Heb. 6. For if we sin wilfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth there remains no more sacrifice for sin but a certain fearful looking for of Judgement and fiery Indignation which shall devour the advtrsaries Heb. 10. Even as Esau who for one morsel of meat sold his Birthright for you know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the Blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears Heb. 12. 152. Now was the word of the Gospel forced from my Soul so that no Promise or Encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me Rejoyce not O Israel for joy as other People Hos. 9.1 for I saw indeed there was cause of rejoycing for those that held to Jesus but as for me I had cut my self off by my transgressions and left
my self neither foot-hold nor hand-hold amongst all the stayes and props in the precious Word of Life 153. And truly I did now feel my self to sink into a gulf as an house whose foundation is destroyed I did liken my self in this condition unto the case of some Child that was fallen into a Millpit who though it could make some shift to scrable and spraul in the water yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot therefore at last it must die in that condition So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my Soul that Scripture came into my heart This is for many days Dan. 10.14 and indeed I found it was so for I could not be delivered nor brought to peace again until well-nigh two years and an half were compleatly finished Wherefore these words though in themselves they tended to discouragement yet to me who feared this condition would be eternal they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me 154. For thought I many days are not not foâ— ever many days will have an end therefore 〈◊〉 I was to be afflicted not a few but many days 〈◊〉 I was glad it was but for many days Thus I say I could recal my self sometimes and give my self a help for as soon as ever the words came in at first I knew my trouble would be long yet this would be but sometimes for I could not always think on this nor ever be helped though I did 155. Now while these Scriptures lay before me and laid sin at my door that saying in the 18 of Luke with others did encourage me to prayer then the Tempter again laid at me very sore suggesting That neither the mercy of God nor yet the blood of Christ did at all concern me nor could they help me for my sin yet thought I I will pray but said the Tempter Your sin is unpardonoble Yet said I I pray So I went to prayer to God and while I was at prayer I uttered words to this effect Lord Satan tells me That neither thy mercy nor Christs blood is sufficient to save my soul Lord shall I honour â—hee most by believing thou wilt and canst or by believing â—hou neither wilt nor canst Lord I would fain honour â—hee by believing thou wilt and canst 156. And as I was thus before the Lord that Scripture fastned on my heart O man great is thy Faith even as if one had clapt me on the back as I â—ay on my knees before God yet I was not able to â—elieve this till almost six months after for I could not think that I had Faith or that there should be â— word for me to act Faith on therefore I should â—till be as sticking in the jaws of desparation and went mourning up and down crying Is his mercy â—lean gone is his mercy clean gone for ever And I â—hought sometimes even while I was groaning in â—hese expressions they did seem to make a question â—hether it was or no yet I greatly feared it was 157. At another time I remember I was again â—uch under the Question Whether the blood of â—hrist was sufficient to save my Soul In which doubt I continued from morning till about seven or eight at night and at last when I was as it were quite worn out with fear lest it should not lay hold on me those words did sound suddenly within me He is able but me thought this word able was spoke so loud unto me it shewed such a great word and gave such a justle to my fear and doubt I mean for the time it tarried with me which was about a day as I never had from that all my life either before or after that Heb. 7.25 158. But one morning when I was again at pray and trembling under the fear of this that no word of God could help me that piece of a sentence darted in upon me My Grace is sufficient At this me thought I felt some stay as if there might be hopes But O how good a thing is it for God to send his Word for about a fortnight before I was looking on this very place and then I thought it could not come near my Soul with comfort and threw down my Book in a pet but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide that it could not onely inclose me but many more besides 159. By these words I was sustained yet not without exceeding conflicts for the space of seven or eight weeks for my peace would be in and out sometimes twenty times a day Comfort now and Trouble presently Peace now and before I could go a furlong as full of Fear and Guilt as ever heart could hold and this was not onely now and then but my whole seven weeks experience for this about the sufficiency of grace and that of Esau's parting with his Birth-right would be like a pair oâ— scales within my mind sometimes one end woulâ— be uppermost and sometimes again the other accoâ—ding to which would be my peace or trouble 160. Therefore I still did pray to God that 〈◊〉 would come in with this Scripture more fully 〈◊〉 my heart to wit that he would help me to apply the whole sentence for as yet it only helped me thus far My grace is sufficient and tho it came no farther it answered my former question to wit that there was hope yet because for thee was left out I was not contented but prayed to God for that also wherefore one day as I was in a Meeting of Gods People full of sadness and terrour for my fears again were strong upon me and as I was now thinking my Soul was never the better but my case most sad and fearful these words did with great power suddainly break in upon me My grace is sufficient for thee my grace is sufficient for thee my grace is sufficient for thee three times together and O me-thought that every word was a mighty word unto me as my and grace and sufficient and for thee they were then and sometimes are still far bigger than others be 162. At which time my Understanding was so enlightned that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from Heaven through the Tiles upon me and direct these words unto me this sent me mourning home it broke my heart and filled me full of joy and laid me as low as the dust only it staid not long with me I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort yet it continued with me for several weeks and did encourage me to hope But so soon as that powerfull operation of it was taken off my heart that other about Esau â—eturned upon me as before so my soul did hang â—s in a pair of Scales again sometimes up and sometimes down now in peace and anon again in terrour 163. Thus I went on for many weeks someâ—â—mes comforted and sometimes tormented and specially at sometimes my torment would be very sore for all those
by Christ I was as if my Ioyns were broken or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains At this time also I felt some weakness to seiz my outward man which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable 215. Afrer I had been in this condition some three or four days as I was sitting by the fire I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart I must go to Jesus at this my former darkness and atheism fled away and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view while I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprize Wife said I is there ever a such Scripture I must go to Jesus she said she could not tell therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me And to an innumerable company of Angels and withall Hebrews the twelfth about the mount Zion was set before mine eyes 216. Then with joy I told my Wife O now I know I know but that night was a good night to me I never had but few better I longed for the company of some of Gods people that I might have imparted unto them what God had shewed me Christ vvas a precious Christ to my Soul that night I could scarce lie in my Bed for joy and peace and triumph thorow Christ this great glory did not continue upon me until morning yet that twelfth of the Author to the Hâ—brews Heb. 12.21 22 23. was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this 217. The words are these You are come to mount Zion to the City of the living God to the heavenly Jerusalem and to an innumerable company of Angels to the general assembly and Church of the first-born which are written in heaven to God the Judge of all and to the spirits of just men made perfect and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Testament and to the blood of sprinkling that speaketh better things than that of Abel Thorow this blessed Sentence the Lord led me over and over first to this word and then to that and shewed me wonderful glory in every one of them These words also have oft â—â—nce this time been great refreshment to my Spirit Blessed be God for having mercy on me A brief Account of the Authors Call to the Work of the Ministery 218. ANd now I am speaking my Experience I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word and of Gods dealing with me in that particular also For after I had been about five oâ— six years awakened and helped to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord and inabled to venture my Soul upon him some of the most able among the Saints with us I say the most able for Judgement and holiness of Life as they conceived did peâ—ceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his Will in his holy and blessed Word and had given me utteâ—ance in some measure to express what I saw to others for edification they desired me and tâ—at with much earnestness that I would be willing at sometime to take in hand in one of the Meetings to speak a word of Exhortation unto them 219. The which though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit yet being still by them desired and intreated I consented to their requesâ— and did twice at two several Assemblies but in private though with much weakness and infirmity discover my Gift amongst them at which they not onely seemed to be but did solemnly protest as in the sight of the great God they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me 220. After this sometimes when some of them did go into the Countâ—ey to teach tâ—ey would also that I should go with them where though as yet I did not nor durst not make use of my Gift in an open way yet moâ—e privately still as I came amongst the good People in those places I did sometimes speak a word of Admonition unto them also the which they as the other received with rejoycing at the mercy of God to me-ward professing their Souls were edified thereby 221. Wherefore to be brief at last being still desired by the Church after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting I was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and publick preaching the Word not onely to and amongst them that believed but also to offer the Gospel â—o those that had not yet â—eceived the faith thereof about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwaâ—d thereto tho I bless God not for desire of vain glory for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with â—he firy darts of the devil concerning my eternal state 222. But yet could not be content unless I was found in the exercise of my Gift unto which also I was gâ—eatly animated not onely by the continual desires of the Godly but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians I beseech you Brethren ye know the houshold of Stephanas that it is the firsâ— fruits of Achaia and that they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints that you submit your selves unto such and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth 1 Cor. 16.15 16. 223. By this Text I was made to see that the holy Ghost never intended that men who have Gifts and Abilities should bury them in the earth but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints this Scripture in these days did continually run in my mind to incourage me and strengthen me in this my work foâ— God I have been also incouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the Godly both specified in the Word and other ancient Histories Act. 8.4 18·24 25 c. 1 Pet. 4.10 Rom. 12.6 Fox Acts and Mon. 224. Wherefore though of my self of all the Saints the most unworthy yet I but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness did set upon the work and did according to my Gift and the proportion of my Faith preach that blessed Gospel that God had shewed me in the holy Word of truth which when the Countrey undeâ—stood they came in to hear the Word by hundreds and that from all parts though upon sundry and divers accounts 225. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowâ—ls and pity for their Souls which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a Word as might if God vvould bless lay hold of and awaken the Conscience in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his
But oh now how was my Soul led from truth to truth by God! even from the birth and Cradle of the Son of God to his ascention and second coming from Heaven to judge the World 99. Truly I then found upon this account the great God was very Good unto me for to my remembrance there was not any thing that then I câ—ied to God to make known and reveal unto me but he was pleased to do it for me I mean not one part of the Gospel of the Lord Jesus but I was orderly led into it me thought I saw with great evidence from the relation of the four Evangelists the wonderful work of God in giving Jesus Christ to save us from his conception and birth even to his second coming to judgement me thought I was as if I had seen him born as if I had seen him grow up as if I had seen him walk thorow this world from the Cradle to his Cross to which also when he came I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings also as I was musing on this his progress that droped on my Spirit He was ordained for the slaughter 1 Pet. 1.19 20. 100. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection and have remembred that word touch me not Mary c. I have seen as if he leaped at the Graves mouth for joy that he was risen again and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes John 20.17 I have also in the Spirit seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me and have seen the manner of his comming from Heaven to judge the world with glory and have been confirmed in these things by these Scriptures following Acts 1.9 10. Acts. 7. 56. Actâ— 10.42 Heb. 7.24 Heb. 8.38 Rev. 1.18 1 Thes. 4.17 18. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both Man as well as God and God as well as Man and truly in those dayes let men say what they would unless I had it with evidence from Heaven all was as nothing to me I counted not my self set down in any truth of God well I was much troubled about this point and could not tell how to be resolved at last that in the fift of the Revelations came into my mind And I beheld and lo in the midst of the Throne and of the four Beasts and in the midst of the Elders stood a Lamb in the midst of the Throne there is his God-head in the midst of the Elders there is his man hood but O me thought this did glister it was a goodly touch and gave me sweet satisfaction that other Scripture also did help me much in this To us a Child is born to us a Son is given and the government shall be upon his shoulder and his Name shall be called Wonderful Counsellor the Mighty God the Everlasting Father the Prince of Peace c. Isa. 9.6 101. Also besides these teachings of God in his Word the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in these things the one was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin for as the Quakers did oppose his Truth so God did the more confirm me in it by leading me into the Scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it and as I said the guilt of sin did help me much for still as that would come upon me the blood of Christ did take it off again and again and again and that too sweetly according to the Scriptures O Friends cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you there is none teacheth like him 102. It would be too long for me here to stay to tell you in particular how God did set me down in all the things of Christ and how he did that he might so do lead me into his words yea and also how he did open them unto me make them shine before me and cause them to dwell with me talk with me and comfort me over and over both of his own being and the being of his Son and Spirit and Word and Gospel 103. Onely this as I said before I will say unto you again that in general he was pleased to take this course with me first to suffer me to be afflicted with temptation concerning them and then reveal them to me as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin even crushed to the ground therewith and then the Lord would shew me the death of Christ yea and so sprinkle my Conscience with his Blood that I should find and that before I was aware that in that Conscience where but just now did reign and â—age the Law even there would rest and abide the Peace and Love of God thorow Christ. 104. Now had I an evidence for Heaven with many golden Seals thereon all hanging in my sight now could I remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace with comfort and should often long and desire that the last day were come that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight and joy and communion of him whose Head was crowned with Thorns whose Face was spit on and Body broken and Soul made an offering for my sins for whereas before â— lay continually trembling at the mouth of Hell now me thought I was got so far therefrom thaâ— I could not when I looked back scarce discern it 〈◊〉 and O thought I that I were fourscore years old now that I might die quickly that my soul mighâ— be gone to rest 105. But after the Lord had in this manner 〈◊〉 graciously delivered me from this great and sorâ— temptation and had set me down so sweetly in the Faith of his holy gospel and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in his love through Christ the Tempter came upon me again and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation then before 106. And that was to sell and part with this most blessed Christ to exchange him for the things of this life for any thing the temptation lay upon me for the space of a year and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day iâ— a month no not sometimes one hour in many dayes together unless I was asleep 107. And though in my judgement I was perswaded that those who were once effectually in Christ as I hoped through his grace I had seen my self could never lose him for ever For the land shall not be sold for ever for the Land is mine saith God Levit. 25.23 yet it was a conâ—inual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ a Jesus that had done for me as he had done 108. But it was neither my dislike of the thought nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength