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A14103 The schoolemaster, or teacher of table philosophie A most pleasant and merie companion, wel worthy to be welcomed (for a dayly gheast) not onely to all mens boorde, to guyde them with moderate [and] holsome dyet: but also into euery mans companie at all tymes, to recreate their mindes, with honest mirth and delectable deuises: to sundrie pleasant purposes of pleasure and pastyme. Gathered out of diuers, the best approued auctours: and deuided into foure pithy and pleasant treatises, as it may appeare by the contentes. Twyne, Thomas, 1543-1613.; Anguilbertus, Theobaldus. Mensa philosophica.; Turswell, Thomas, 1548-1585, attributed name. 1576 (1576) STC 24411; ESTC S111450 115,907 158

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he saw a Bayliff leadyng a poore théefe to hanging that had stollen a trifle saying that it was a strange matter to sée a great theefe leadyng a litle theife to the gallowes Thirdly bicause hee saw a Priest following a childe that was going to burying singing and a husbandman cumming after weeping when as in deede quoth hée it ought to haue bin otherwise as namelye the Priest to haue wept whose sunne hée was and the husbandman to haue sunge as beeing discharged of a great burthen The Diuell spake in one that was possessed sayinge In hell there is no redemption and therefore man is very vnwise that will hazard so noble a pleadg which if it bee forfeited can neuer more bée redéemed One vpon occasion of talke said to his fellow I maruell sayd hée that the Diuell suffreth vs to liue since wée bee all sutch grieuous sinners to whom the other answered but I maruel rather why hée hurteth not his seruants Chap. 24. Of Popes and their mery Iestes IT is read in the Cronicles that when the Pope is consecrated as they terme it ther is a great handful of Towe set on fire in presence of them al therwith al these woords spoken Thus passeth the glory of the world remember that thou art ashes and a mortal man A good lesson if they would follow it Sergius the Pope was called before hée was Pope Os porci that is to say Hogs mouth and since his time all Popes haue changed their owne proper names Euaristus the Pope appointed seauen deacons to gward the Popes person whyle hée preacheth which I thinke is but seldome or to asist him that hée erre not wherby hée might come into obloquie and bée diffamed by his aduersaries Adrian the Pope with the whole assembly of Cardinals Byshops and prelates and all the Synode gaue vp all the aucthority vnto Charles king of Rome to chuse and appoincte who shoulde bee Pope And moreouer that all Archbyshops shoulde receiue their inuesture of him and that all that were disobedient vnto this decree should bee accursed mutch repugnant vnto that wherin the Popes will take vpon them to make and depose Emperours at their pleasure Chap. 25. Of Cardinals and their mery Iestes OCtauianus a Cardinal caused the Pope to send for one frier Tortus to Lions that had very good knowledg in Phisick And when he was come vnto him the frier demaunded the cause why hee sent for him The Pope answered I haue a Néece that hath bin this long married and can haue neuer a childe and I haue sent for you bicause you are a Phisitiō to do your indeuour to make her conceiue Then answered the Frier your hollines is hoate younge and lustye you should sooner make her to conceiue then I can wherat the Pope laughing tooke him to be his chaplein Two Priestes striuinge before the Cardinals for the Maistership of a certain hospitall it is a strange matter to se quod one of the Cardinals how you two poore fellowes and vnlearded can not agree for one simple Maistership of an hospitall Nay sayd one of the Priests it is more maruell to beeholde how you ritche prelates and learned men are at sutch contention for one great Popedome A certein Cardinall hearing of a frier that alwaies preached against prelates would needes haue him to preach in his audience and hée did so Then taking occasion to speake of Cardinals hee said that the Lords Cardinals were so termed of this Latin woord cardo which signifieth the hinge of a doore For like as the hinges of a doore lacking oyle do alwayes murmour and make a noyse but beeinge oyled do open an shut very pleasantly so fareth it with these Cardinals for vntill they haue promotion they neuer leaue prechinge and cryinge out at couetousnesse and ambition and when they haue to mutch then they preach no more but grease their bellies with dilicates and giue themselues wholy to all voluptuousnesse A certein Cardinall had a chaplein called Michael whom hee promised that if euer God called him to greater dignitye hee would prefer him to his contentacion Afterward beeing made Pope and troubled with many affayres hee quite forgat his old Chaplein Michael Who seeing that he could haue no accesse vnto the Pope wrote vpon a doore by the whiche hee should passe these verses following Here standeth without before the doore Michael the Chaplein pore Saying that honours do manners change But seld to better for that were strange Which the Pope reading and seeing him standing before the doore remembred his promise gaue him a good benefice Chap. 26. Of Archbisshops and their mery Iests A Certein Archbysshop preachinge vpon Palme Sundaye discoursed very much of Christes humility and of the shee Asse whereupon hee rode And when the sermon was done he mounted vp vpon his lofty palfry and was ridinge home Then came an olde woman running and tooke the horse by the bridle saying I pray you my Lord is this the shee asse whervpon Christ roade An Archbysshop in a sermon sorely inveied against the whole order of Preaching friers compared them to the Pharasies When the sermon was finished and the Archbysshop come down out of the Pulpit the reader of the same couent arose and came to him saying My Lord your grace had forgotten one text which is this Thy Nacion and thy Bysshops haue deliuered thee vnto me Againe the same Archbysshop preached another time against Masters Readers in the vniuersities how they clothed themselues in softe apparell and sought to bee magnified and placed in the chiefe seates in the scooles and Churches and sutch like Shortly after the same Archbysshop chanced to meete with a Reader in a very foule and dirty place Then said the Archbysshop to the Reader what do you here Master Ammirandu● for that was his name Mary my Lord quoth he I come to make cleane neate mine apperell wherof your Grace spake of late and therewith all he shewed him his tayle all dirty behinde An Archbishop beeyng in visitation sharply punished a certayn Lady Prioresse of a Nunrie for trespaces which she had committed whom shée earnestly intreated that in consideration of a piece of money hee would in part remit the punishment But he deneying so to do saying that he loued her not and therfore he would not pleasure her so mutch I thinke so quoth she and wel beléeue it for there was neuer yet Capon that loued an Hen. Chap. 27. Of Byshops and their mery iestes ONe thinkyng to get the goodwill of a Byshop by flatterie said vnto him my Lord if your Lordship would take lesse paines you might liue yet fiue yéeres but if you continued so still you will scarce liue two yéeres to an end Who answered I had rather be a good Bishop two yeres then an ill Byshop fiue yéeres One obiected vnto a Bishop that he was to couetous for that by keping a nigardly house he